Ho ho ho

Green giant!! Love that advert. And the sweetcorn. So how are you guys?!? So much has happened since the last blog. There has been an end of year party (which is the politically correct way of saying a Christmas party that even ethnics can attend), there's been Christmas, and a boxing day. Oh and pancakes!!

So the multicultural party was a hoot! I got BLIND drunk within 2 hours with the help of lethal slash revolting Carlton draft stubbies and at least 10 glasses of free champagne. From around 3pm onwards because the formalities were a mid day function (insane? I know. Australia is weird sometimes), my memory is virtually blank.

Apparently we walked from the function to a pub in the city which would have been a good 20 minute walk... I do not remember this and I am SO sure we took a tram. Apparently we walked into the wrong pub and lost someone in there.. I do not recall this either. I know I was literally clinging on to Jatin and talking to him for a very long time but what about? Who knows. Seriously I was full on blitzed.

I do remember leaving the pub in an emotional very drunk mood. I don't remember getting on the tram home but I do remember a very plump woman running from man to man with her mobile showing them a pictue of her child asking them if they wanted to be his baby daddy. And when I say woman I mean 15 years maybe??? Very young. Very big arse. Very little future.

On the tram I also bought a guitar. Ops. Need to pick that up tomorrow. Or get Kev to. It's currently at st kilda DC much to my displeasure. It's far away and the guitar is heavy and they refused to redeliver. I am thoroughly displeased with Australia post. Grrr. I shall be getting out my pen of rage for sure. Let the letter writing anger begin....

Then there was Christmas eve!! I went over to Rodney's who is a friend from work to meet his wife and his son. And ooooh myyyy days. His son is the most beautiful little boy in the world ever. And it's not just me who thinks so!! The boy has trophies to celebrate his gorgeousness. He also, much to my own jealousy, has a wooden rowing boat in his room. I would LOVE a rowing boat in my room!!!

His wife is also so lovely. An amazing little family they have there for sure. And the pizza we had was well good, the garlic bread practically orgasmic!! And yes Rodney.. Now I have seen him in the flesh I do kind of fancy Michael but shhhhh ;-P

At the end of the evening we went on a little tour of williamstown to see the Christmas lights and where they were married. Very cute and epic lights!!!

Then all of a sudden it was Christmas day. Kev was mainly a twat lol. He refused to wake up until 12.30 then was sat rolling a massive cone until 1.15. He refused to help me clean the flat (I took a bin bag of rubbish out of the front room it was that messy), wouldn't wash up after I made breakfast, and wouldn't do anything but smoke weed all day.

I on the other hand cleaned the whole flat, spent $60 on getting and cooking a huge English breakfast, then went out for 2 hours into what I found out the next day was a massive massive storm that included a tornado!!! I didn't see the tornado but I was sat on my thinking place wall in the worst down pour I had been in since Thailand when I saw hundreds of bolts of lightening hitting the city and crashing all over the ocean. It was an amazing sight. And then it started to hail HUGE hailstones the size of golf balls. It was a very crazy weather day that day, especially as it started out gorgeous and ended with damaged property and a soaking wet me.

Boxing day was the best. I maintained a traditional Aussie boxing day by going to the first test match at the MCG. It was friggin brilliant!!! I got to see Warner and Ponting, two of my favourite cricketers do some excellent batting before being caught out, but the best bit was making a new friend called Ray. He is HILLARIOUS!!

We pretty much spent the entire match just talking and doing Mexican waves. If it wasn't for him I reckon I would have had a well boring day because I went on my own and the cricket commentary was 4 minutes behind the actual game. Life saver he was! And so funny. We were talking about getting my tattoo in Thailand and he mentioned I might get HIV from dirty needles, then as loud as you like in front of kids and a group of Eton college boys, he shoots his hand up an shouts HIGH FIVE TO AIDS!!!! What a legend.

Today is washing day. So I am typing to you from the laundrette with my fingers crossed praying I haven't bleached my clothes.. You see I didn't read the label on the conditioner and I poured quite a lot of concentrated, undiluted fabric softener straight onto my clothes. Apparently you aren't to do that. With big black capital letters. Oopsy.

After that though it's getting my drink on time! I have a Miss Ballard coming over so drink on and bitching on calls.

WASHING UPDATE: appears to be fine. Now in tumble dryer.

So. Pancakes. Discovered I really bloody like them after all. Ooh how my pallet has changed. However. I am SHIT at making them. I have made 5 so far with the first two turning out more liquidy then I had anticipated, the 3rs very small, the 4th mainly jut sticky dough and the 5th simply burnt.

I would very much like to achieve massive fluffy ones like I get from 2 doors down. But I'm not sure that's possible. Ho hum.

Back to the gym tomorrow!! I haven't been since last Wednesday and I am feeling ugly and fat. I have also been told by the gym man that the roll of fat I want rid of oh so badly won't shift with exercise. So surgery it is. So much to save up for. Laaaame.

Well I tell you what, I will do some more writing to you on new years day from Bondi beach :-D I might drown a little bit so I can get rescued by former home and away star who played Sam who is now a bondi beach life guard :-P naughty Rowlands.

See you for kids and I hope you had a wonderful Christmas.

WASHING UPDATE: two lads from the Eton college just walked in!! What are the odds!! And all clothes are dry apart from one green top that never ever dries... Why?!?

Stresssssss

Hello! Sorry it's been awhile. I have been mainly fucking busy. I've been going into work early everyday to get ahead (and a bloody good job I am doing at it too). Tomorrow is invoices day so if it is anything like last month, I am to expect 32 phone calls of complaints within 10 minutes... Yay!!

Everyone at work is fantastic. I have made some brilliant friends there and it's so sad I have just three and a half months with them left. Courtney is my midnight phone stalker and banana bread man, Shaun my amazingly accented kiwi, Melissa my girly innocent friend and Mat my lunch/drinking buddy (only person who has matched my efforts here do far.. Good man!) Who knows.. I might marry one of them and then I can stay :-)

The flat is a mess :-( I'm not sure there is enough bleach in the world to get rid if the grim that is boy.

Had a brill night out on Friday. Ended up just being me and Mat after we were abandoned by Melissa and as hard as I have tried, I honestly cannot remember most of what we say talking about and we were talking for like 4 hours!!! Trying to find a taxi home took another 57 hours.. Bloody ridiculous that was. Grrr.

Oooooo I saw a possum!!! It was just sitting in a tree stump looking ready to pounce!! It was proper scary lol I thought they were cute??

Yesterday I mainly died. I was wreckedly hungover. Wish I had gone out Saturday night though.. Hair of the dog and what have you.

There is a 30 day trial at the gym down the road so I'm signing up to that on Monday. Woo. I think I really have to after my weight was incorrectly guessed. Feelingmassive.co.uk

God Boring blog. This was really just a reminder for me that I need to get out a wee bit more. I might try this golfing thing I've been advised is fun.. Just twatting balls as I understand it. I'm good at ball play hehehe.

I want to go in a three day road trip to aryes rock!!! Need to organise that. Sleeping under the stars, dingos, camp fires, some fine absinthe and acid maybe?! Too far? We'll see..

Ok I will be more my hilarious self on the next blog I promise.. As soon as Kev gets a friggin job and stops using me as an overdraft facility I can do more fun stuff to tell you about!!

Peace out.

Thunder - Love Walked In

Remeber that song from the 80's? If not, Google so you can get the tune in your head. Then replace "love" with the word "obesity" and you have my current life theme tune.

Like most folk I imagine, everyone has their own theme tunes when they are pottering around, or perhaps running in the event of danger/excitment. I get those "dum dum dumdumdumdum darrrrrrr moments when I'm running and trying to get some momentum going. "Pretend you are scared and run quicker!!!" dum dum dummmduummdduuuudarrr!!! Then other times you have love songs, depressed songs, summer songs... you all know what I mean.

Some also have commentators. I have a constant commentary as my close folk will know and at the moment, the comments are "seriously your stomach is massive" and "put down the cheese woman, your arse is bigger than ever!" My commentators are cruel. But realistic.

I have GOT to start eating more heathily. It's because I don't have my own kitchen and I refuse to use the hostels one again. Slimey. Grotty. Unwashed pots. Stray crumbs and goon soaked everything.

But really that isn't an excuse, even if it's the one I tell my commentors. There are bagged salads everywhere and parks to go and do exercise in... but instead I come in from my sitting down job, eat pizza and then lie down. Must. Change. Lloydie has been my inspiration!! It has taken her 8 weeks to get from none RAF fit to RAF fit. SO pround and jealous!! She has had the balls to do what I have wanted to do since I left university, and go on her! She will be fantastic in the RAF.

I am dying of a chesty cold again. I keep waking up hacking up bits of lung, which grosses Kev out but he farts and burps.. smelly boy :-(. The pollen count over here is extreme so also battling itchy eyes and snot. I saw some amazing sun sets over the ocean this week... let me see if I can post a pic on here... let me know if it worked.

I am hellishly tired but that is because I have been working my balls off.. if I had them. I was shitting myself that I wouldn't make target and keep my job becaue they are RUTHLESS with getting rid of people who can't make target..but I did make it! And not just make it, I fucking smashed that bitch to hell!!! Been there less than 5 weeks and I am top of the team :D yaaaay for collecting debt and being wished dead woooo!!!

Slightly very addicted to True Blood now the Dexter marathon has ended. Up to season 3 now. Next shall be band of brothers I think. There are new flavours of TimTams out... investing in some from IGA tomorrow I think. $2 a packet... *commentators bash my skull and say NO the calories dickface!!"* ... they are of course correct.

Ok so.... I genuinly have forgotten why I started to blog... I'm so tired. Going to go brush my teeth now. Byee... *immediately passes out on laptop*

I Can't Stop Thinking About It...

Seriously now my birthday meal with Audrey was sensational. I don't know if it was SO good because I was a little bit tipsy or whether it really was good but lately, I have been enjoying my food so much. Everything just tastes better here you know? Like every morning I will have a honey yoghurt on top of some nuts and fruit and it's amazing. Everyday I have salad sandwich with either tuna or chicken and everytime it's fabulous. And because it is SO cheap to eat out at restaurants here in comparison to both making your own meals and eating out in the UK, I am experiencing so many more things.

I had a mexican chicken parma with Clare the other day and it actually turned me on. SO nice!! And then it was topped off by a chocolate pizza... outrageous you say?! I know I retort!! But fucking me sideways with the longest tent pole you can fine - it was bloody amazing.

I keep finding these new places to eat because there are thousands.. and new drinks to try and I am DESPERATE to share my finds with people. Kev is going to hate me I am sure for forcing him to come and eat out with me every night.. which is why I need other people such as you, Tracy and you, Stephanie! to hurry up and get out here before I have to leave Melbourne!!!

The other night was fantastic actually, let me tell you about that.

It was a charity trivia night with the Aus Post guys. $2 entry, free pizza and $1 beers. I mean if they had just said free pizza I would of been there but when they threw in $1 beers I actually lost my vision for a short period whilst my over dilated pupils readjusted. It wasn't just a boring quiz either there were rounds when you had to stand and either hold your arse (tails) or your head (heads.. given) and stand like that till the quiz master flipped a coin. Only when it wasn't the side you were tolding were you allowed to sit down. Omg also, one team had the BEST team name ever.. Quizzed In My Pants!

There was forehead to mouth cookie eating contest which was hilarious!! Alex did it for our team and his eyebrows are so extraordinarily large that the cookie couldn't get past them. He went crosseyed and was moving his face like those freaky kids from the Cadbury advert to try get the cookie over the bushy ridges - there was some wee on my seat by the time he had finished.

There was a paper aeroplane throwing contest!! I came second with my green F-23 replica. Melissa nearly lost an eye when another team launched their flat ridicul0us version of a plane and another girl on another team was holding back tears when the pointy nose cone of one stabbed in her the back of her head. Jesus that was so funny. Tears were mingling with the urine at that point.

We came 5th out of 9 I think which was good going seen as 2nd 3rd 4th all had the same points.. so techinically we were 3rd but whatever, it was fun regardless of position :D .. something I don't normally say hehehhe.. ahh. Rudeness.

I have had my ears lowered today - woopity. Kev arrives on Thursday - woop woopity. It is Melbourne Cup day on Tuesday but seen as I work a Queensland ledger I have to work, therefore missing out on a public holiday. Not that it matters because I am getting $74 AN HOUR!!! -WOOP WOOPITY WOOP FUDGING WOOP!! AND!!!! My little sister had a baby last night :D Congratulations Mrs :) I can't wait to see her xx

Right - Eastenders catch up time and most definitely I need 2 caramel tim tams to dip in a brew.

Catch you next week avid viewers :D

It's My Birthday You See...

And the first one abroad I think! Living in a different country for your 26th birthday earning £40k a year I think is an achievement. Wonder where I will be and how much I will be on in 10 years time?! (looks up at the sky with hands together and whispers "please have just won the lottery by then.. please").

Today I spent it in work.. joy.. but it was so sweet. The guys didn't know it was my birthday but as soon as I announced it, I turned around for a split second, looked back at my desk and a cake with a candle appeared!!! Folk gathered and sang HB. Embarrasment but I blew out the candle and made a wish :-) Then later, a whole bar of chocolate :D It was very, very sweet. As was the chocolate.. I got a chocolate headache :/ so worth it though.

As work was full on stressful again, I am absolutely shattered. That may also have something to do with the two glasses of champagne I downed as part of my birthday celebrations at 11pm last night and everyones alarms going off at 5am.. damn builders and their alarms!!!

Last nights meal though was spe--len--ded. Scotch fillet wrapped around parma ham, swiss cheese and aspargas, on top of some garlic mash, honey roasted carrots, wilted spinach and a red ju (what ever that was.. I was expecting a suburnt man holding the torah with a top hat and curly sideburns..). Seriously though.. best.. meal.. eeevverrrrrrrrrr. And the champagne was mixed with blueberry vodka. Fucking FINE night out!!!

I have ordered the new iPhone as a birthday present to myself. Happy birthday me. It shall arrive with the Kevin - have I told you guys I have paid for Kev's ticket out here??? PRAYING he gets work asap.. would like that money back hehe.

Going to book us on some tours too when he gets some money going. He needs to see the GOR. Beautiful. And I proper really can't wait for Sydney now. Sky dive over the beach I THINK SO!

Tomorrow I am off for dinner with Miss Conway and can't WAIT to have a good bitch!!! Been wayyyy too long.

I'm going to go to sleep now.. 8.37pm on my birthday and I am in PJs.. and yes.. I have had a jam sandwich to cement the celebrations. Rock and effin Roll.

Peace out.

The Answer!

They say kids are happier when they have a routine. That is 100% correct for me too! I won't generalise and say for adults too because maybe it really is just me, but I have truely found the key to making me feel content... mix the following ingredients:

• Soaps - the discovery of Eastenders on YouTube hasn't stopped there. I am now subscribed to Corrie and Emmerdale too! Hoo-fucking-rah;
• Cleaning - my UK Sunday ritual was do the washing, change the bedsheets and do the hoovering. Here it is a little more long winded because I have to fight with ignorant French people of the dryers and we don't have a hoover.. we do though have a broom;
• F1 - completely and 100% full on essential. Without this in my life my Sundays are spent in a spiral of depression and a face covered in melted chocolate;
• Tea - black, half a teaspoon of sugar;
• Jam - I need jam. On white bread only for a sandwich or multigrain for toast. I love jam. Every single flavour of jam. Jam makes life worth living. Jam and tea. Combined. I need jam on a Sunday.

So today I feel ok. Today is a good day. I have Sundays sorted :) and I have weekdays sorted with work till 4.30pm, then running. I have set a goal to match Peter's time of running around the F1 track in 20 minutes.. So far I have done it twice and my best time is 43 minutes. I have some catching up to do but I will make it!!

Happy bear today. Oh, also - look up "c-word appear on wheel of fortune" on YouTube. Weeing material.

Have a glorious day :)

Hello YouTube.... Hello Homesickness

The most amazing thing has happened. Someone.. most likely Jesus Himself has a YouTube page dedictated to Eastenders. And every night He uploads the latest episode. I can only imagine He does that with His Jesus powers whilst ironing His long white robes, whilst a harpest plays in the bachground.. fairys brushing His long hair....

So for the first time since 18th June, I have watched an episode of Eastenders. It wasn't a particualry upsetting episode but man.. have I had a good skriek over it. The theme tune, the dum dums at the end, and then the BBC lady introducing the next show. It reminded me very much that I was watching it very far away from home.

I miss 7pm after work on my sofa times watching the soaps. Homesickness is proper kicking me in the shins tonight.

The money might be good...

But the stress is beyond not worth it. I arrive at 8.30am, don't take breaks, and only 30 min lunches. In two days I have amassed 92 voicemails. I cleared 68 emails today and have another 43 to check tomorrow

I'm told by management not to reverse late payment fees but when it's escalated he doesn't even look at the acc just tells me to reverse it.

I have had nothing but screaming people about a $ 15 late payment fee and jam officially fed up.

Yes it's great money but collections is not for me.... So what is????

To You...

Dear you.

To the person who thought not training staff was ok, I can confirm it isn't but I am coping just about. To the guy helping me and letting me bug him to death, thank you so much.. but it also won't EVER happen because your sideburns are extraordinarily massive.. so you may stop starring at the ladies. Although I appreciate that is hard to do. They are epic.

Speaking of which, to the men who stared and to the people who sold me veg much cheaper than the woman stood next to me with the beard, thanks for not telling me my top THREE shirt buttons were undone. And on that note, thank you bra for being a push up. Love cheap strawberries.

To the couples having picnics and the people doing exercise in the park during office hours, screw you!! Or tell me how you manage to live such a laid back wonderful life.

To the bloke I caught videoing the girls playing netball today on your mobile phone, I reported you to the school. Sick freak.

To the person I have the unfortunate luck to share a room with, for GODS sake fucking change your bedsheets because they are brown and your pillow is covered in yellow grease and old blood, stop sleeping in your clothes because they stink of shit, stop expecting me to clean up the mud you bring in with you every day, stop stealing my food because you think I won't notice, don't ever dare borrow my towels again purely because yours is rancid with 5 weeks of dirt on it, and do me a favour.. shut the FUCK up when you come in pissed and coked out of your head every night. Arse hole. Oh and to the other person sharing my room, blow you fother mucking nose you sniffley sick bastard. I am sick of hearing it and imagining the snot going down your throat.

To my friends and family back home, I miss you. And sorry I missed the boat to send Christmas presents home on.. I shall store them and they will be February presents!! Glad tidings mid year or whatever that saying is..

To the bakery where I bought a chicken wrap from today, what the holy smeg were you thinking putting egg in there??! I nearly choked on my own vomit of unexpectedness!

To the vending machine man, please do hurry up and put more water or whatever in the black tea selection because walking all the way upstairs to the one way system kitchen is a ball ache.

To my feet, thank you for getting me to places and sorry you are so scarred.

To anyone reading this in time, what should I have for tea??

And finally. To those I am in love with, I love you. Long time :-)

3 Months Since I Left..

.. and almost 2 months since I have lived in Australia. Time is flying past and I like it. As much as I enjot meeting new people and what have you, I still have that longing to come home. Howvever.. as mentioned in previous posts I think it's more a yearning for my own space. I get to see a couple of apartments this week but none are available till mid October. Just got to hang on in there a little bit longer.

I was looking to switch hostels but it would appear I am in the cheapest that doesn't have rats. Buggery.

Anyway!! Let me give you fans a wee update! I started working for Origin but was so completely DICKED by my agent who got me in there I decided to leave for a job with Aus Post. And so far.. so good!! I get to set my own times to work, I get my own ledger that is just for me to control. I get to run reports and work off a timetable that I create... honestly.. it's like that episode from Friends when Monica gets her lable maker out... I AM IN ORGANISED HEAVEN!!

I am though terribly missing my new found mates at Origin. I seem to have just waltzed into the place and made.. hopefully... some friends for life. Or at least some aquaintences that I can drop in on should I ever come back travelling. "Well..!" ;-P

We went out on Friday actually and I got obscenly shit faced... and righty so because I spent $200 doing it!! I got barred from having any more shots in one bar which well fucked me off because I proper wanted to try this new one. I have found a new love thanks to Michael... vodka with brown sugar and lime.. FIT!

I met Adam, one of Greene's friends who was lovely but so has the weirdest poshest Irish accent ever! We three were watching inbetweeners back at Andrew's and I think I may have passed out because I remember watching it then waking up under a sleeping bag.. woops. Thanks though boys for not drawing on my face or anything.. can't say I would have been so good to you had the tables been turned.

In other good news, it appears to be getting warmer! I have lost my wooly hat to the mess that is the top shelf on the wardrobe but it's ok now there is sunshine. There was one hell of a storm the other day mind!! The ligthtening and thunder was extreme. LOVE a good storm.

I have found a new place to eat too and fuck ME is it nice. It is called Vegout, recommended to me by Stephen before he left. And I am full on hooked. It is basically a vegie curry house and for $8.80 you can get half a tub of rice and 2 curry types. I adore the pumpkin curry. It does me for two meals as well so its rate cheap! Iove dipping in a spinach and ricotta roll too. A thousand billion calories but who cares when it's orgasmic.

Well... I had written more but it appears the blog didn't like it so it deleted. TWAT!!! But as a last minute thought.. if those who have skype but have not added me... Tim Deering, and those who should get skype so I can call them more often.. Alistair and Vicky.. my skype name is lizrow. I am currently 10 hours ahead of you but when your clocks go back, I will be 11 hours ahead. Bare it in mind when you want to call or text me :-) that goes for you too CK. Texting at 3am my time will result in a severed penis.

To end it like TJ... have a wonderful day xx

Nowt a bit of fish won't sort...

What an interesting day! Slash boring for those who don't like staring at architechture..

It started off with a brief visit to a recruitment agency who greeted me with "hello, thanks for signing up. We have no jobs that meet your skills set at the moment. Thanks for coming though we will bear you in mind"... Super. Great. Thanks. So slightly disheartened and already in the city I figured I would actually go and see these bloody cathedrals I had promised myself over the last 2 weeks I would go see.

And I tell you what.. SMALL frigging world AGAIN happened. The first one I went to was St Pauls. I was met in the doorway by a lovely volunteer pensioner who asked where I was from -turns out her son in law is from Chester and they now live just up the road from my mum in Sheffield!! She then turns around and says to this other pensioner man, "Victor dear this lovely lady is from Chester in England". "Ooh!" he says, "I bought this jacket in Chester! Isn't that cathedral lovely" - weirdamundo!

St Paul's was very nice and it was weirdly placed in the middle of the CBD so it was surrounded by skyscrapers and state of the art museums. I then went off to St Patricks which was equally as stunning. I did however accidentally stumble into a "saced ceremony".. woopsie.. I left pretty sharpish and kept my eye out for the mid day prayer team to evacuate the building. But whilst the place was gorgeous inside with its orange stained glass windows, it was pretty boring. Also I was shouted at by an ugly grumpy old man when I accidentally walked up onto the priest vicary persons only bit.

Because I was shouted at I left in a huff lol but was stopped for a bit of a talk by this other old pensioner dude who was simply a weird legend! He had very thin white hair that had been shaved, liver spots all over his face, hands and arms, a snotty hanky as is standard with anyone over 67, a crooked back and a walking stick. In a very Australian accent he says "don't pay any attention to that miserable ol' bastard!" - he immediately had my respect and attention from that moment on!!

He showed me a statue of a priesty vicary person (whatever you are when you are catholic) who he advised had baptised and married him, and buried his parents. He told me which schools he went to and where his kids husbands and wives were from. He told a couple semi racist jokes which were hilarious!! as politically incorrect as that is.. but who gives a crap if it is genuinely funny. He asked where I was from and where I was going. I confirmed St James' cathedral was next and he gave me some directions. He was a proper lovely old gent!.... And then he asked if I wanted to get in his car.

Cue awkward moment!! I was like "erm.. no that's ok thanks though!" he explained he was going to Victoria market for some fish so it was quite alright to just get in his car and have him drop me off. I again said no that's fine thanks I will get the city circle tram it's fine.... then FROM NO WHERE he said "oh right no problem. My sister in law died this morning". Shock and horror arrives on face!! I didn't know what to say other than "Oh my gosh I'm so sorry!!" And like it was completely reasonable he declares "ah well, nothing a bit of fish won't sort. See ya now, enjoy ya stay!" - and off he went!!!

Old people proper rock. They have the best stories!! I hope I get to be old enough to tell stories and not be phased by the death of family members because there is a tikka masala near by.

I am coming up with a plan guys... I am thinking when my visa runs out here in Australia (12th August 2012), I am going to fly over to Vietnam, then take a flight over to Dehli to meet Tracy and Steph (who WILL be there.... you will) in September. I want to do a 4 week tour of India offered by Real Gap and then after that, take a train over to Nepal and climb the Himalayas! Figure that will take 2-3 weeks, then head back to England for a month before shipping back out just in time to spend a week in Sydney for the New Year (gotta see them fireworks), then hop over to NZ to do some more working.

Of course the plans will change by that time but you never know!! Years go by so quickly these days. I am feeling very very old at the moment. I need to get working very badly.

We will see :-) ciao bella x

I've Been a Wee Busy Bee Me!

There is a new Scottish guy in my room! However, he doesn't have blue eyes or blonde hair which is my usual prerequisites before jumping on a person, but he IS Scottish. YAY! Love Scottishness :D

I've been very busy today. And I have also discovered coffee and a love for prunes on my weetabix. I have also discovered that these three things put together make for quite considerable belly ache if you are not within immediate walking distance of the toilet. Will need to work on the balance of eating and drinking these items together before I errupt or my room mates are rocket propelled into the walls by any slight coffee/prune escapage...

But yes.. anyway. Moving quite swiftly on...busy. I went to bed late so waking up at 10am was acceptable. I washed my whole duvet because it occured to me whilst watching the bed changing teams that all they do is change the duvet cover (or dunna cover as the Aussies would say). This means that people who have slept in the beds for weeks.. or months.. will leave with them all their sweat and probably vomit. I don't know about you but I am not particually down with other folks sweat and vomit mixing with my own. So a nice thorough, high temperature wash and tumble dry was in order. It now smells pretty :-) times of good.

I then met Mr Scottish and had a talk with him. He seems nice enough and supports both Man U and Rangers so we had a good football talk to, slagging off the poor financial decisions Rangers have made this season and debating whether Ally will get a bit better as time goes on. He then confirmed he loves the F1 too - I have met a legend!

I was off then to Victoria market armed with a list of things to buy. I filled my 30 litre RAF bag to the limit with veg, fruit and meat and bought a pair of joggers to kick start the fitness regime I am yet to plan. I was however slightly very MIFFED at the stupid Chinese woman who served me at the butchers part of the market. I asked for 1kg of minced beef which she provided at a very hefty sum of $8.60. I handed my money over slightly confused about how much that was, walked round the corner and saw the exact same meat sold by another butcher for $2.95 per kg. Robbing Chinesers!!

THEN I did a dickheaded thing and panic bought a kitchen item. The market was shutting up shop and I desperately needed a tin opener. I looked around and the cheapest was $5. I then spotted a massive tool thing for $3 that boasted being a knife grinder, a pizza cutter, a garlic press, a tin opener and a bottle opener. I was so impressed I just launched the money at the man and ran away in case he realised what he had just sold me for so little without properly reading the back of the packet. When I got back I realised it wasn't at all any of those things but was infact just a knife grinder and the other things were additional products you could buy in that range. I didn't realise this though till I had tried really hard to peel a carrot with it and bash the garlic to smitherines. In front of people. Embarrasing. It got worse when I had to apologise and ask people not to judge me when I went back into the bin to fetch the packaging to find out just why on earth I couldn't get the pizza cutter out of it.

In the end, with the correct tools provided by the hostel, I made a really really lot of bologanise which is now resting merrily in the freezer. I have ten tons of veg left over so tomorrow I will make fajitas to freeze. Tomorrow too I intend to spend on the beach reading. Might as well get the quiet time in before I start working. I've applied for an evening job for after normal working hours in the office, and provided I get it it should be cash in hand and pay for my rent every week doing 3 shifts so.. fingers crossed!!

Tonight Matthew I shall mainly be watching the F1 . That finishes at 12.45am my time and then at 1am it is Man U vs Arseholes so I think I'm going to have to be wide awake for that. Therefore I better go make some more coffee.. and stay away from the prunes.

In a while crocdile.

Melbboouurrnneeee

Ah man I have been shite at updating you lot!! To be honest though there hasn't been much to tell you.

I was stopped by customs actually! And they conviscated my bag which was a tad embarrasing as the whole scene was witnessed by 200 ish other people. I found out that Australian border control is REALLY UNFORGIVABLY STRICT!!! I had forgotten I had my trekkin shoes in the bottom of my RAF bag which were full on covered in soil. It's illegal to bring soil from t'other countries into Aus apparently.. or something like that.. so yeah, had to give them the bag to go and clean. Which you know is sort of a bonus because they did give it back to me and it and my shoes were nice and clean so, can't complain really! it was just a ball ache having to wait around 20 minutes for the cleaning to be done when I was shattered and I was starting to get a hangover from too many free gin and tonics. Thank you Emirates - sincerly. That was a class flight.

I arrived at the Coffee Palace (CP) hostel in Melbourne, escorted by an amazing guy from Cyprus who took us on a sort of unofficial midnight tour. He attempted to point out the NAB office by saying it was a giant rubix cube but I just couldn't see it. Later on in the week when I did a tour of the city I immediately saw what he meant and he is correct, the NAB head office in Melbourne is indeed a giant rubix cube!

The folk at the CP were really nice and I met Marielle, Kev, Paul, Lisa and D'Lara - all German and all in the same room. The word Palace in the title though is ever so slightly misleading... there were mice and bed bugs everywhere. Marielle found one in her bag eating her crackers!! So I moved out after 4 nights into a place called the Ritz for Backpackers. Apparently I have secured the best bed in the best room of the hostel which is groovy - our room is sort of unique in that we have a kitchen area, a fridge and a toilet - the others don't and I've seen the others too.. pretty cramped with limited storage where as ours is huuuuuge with tons of storage!!

I today decided I would like some stability so have booked in here till at least the start of January and depending on how things go, will keep with it till end of March when I look to move on to Adelaide. I've met some really good people here like Angie, Ronan, Becca, Claire and Louis but R, B and L have gone to Brisbane and A is leaving in 3 weeks. C moves out this weekend :( Ronan used to wake me up at 2-3am pissed for a hug and to tell me about his day, and then randomly tuck me in at 5am so I will miss him loads lol. And Becca and Louis are sooooo funny!! One day I will have to meet back up with them because they proper rule!!

I sort of have a job. It was confirmed yesterday I had a job doing inbound collections and this morning had a phone call to say everything was sorted and pay rates were confirmed and was just waiting for paperwork and start date. 5 hours later I get another phone call saying that offer to me has actually been withdrawn because they think I can do so much better in their company so they are apparently trying to get HR to sign off on an outbound role for me with more money.. but its not a formal offer and is going to take longer to come through so I am faced with the prospect of waiting for this job to happen and at the end of next week, have nothing.

And it is STUPID expensive to live here. There is no Primark or equivilant for clothes so today I spent $100 on 2 pairs of trousers, 2 vest tops, a bra and a pair of shoes. All were in the sale as well!! However I have found out that Topshop deliver to Australia for free so LOOK OUT TOPSHOP ONLINE!! Rowlands is coming...

Capstone/Acenden crew.. I have sent you a postcard :D And thankfully I bought two of the same card because I wrote the address completely wrong. Talk about repression haha already forgotten where you are!!

Ooooh I went on a Great Ocean Road tour for the day on Tuesday and it was fantastic. The weather was beyond perfect, I met a lovely couple called Roy and Joanna, the tour guide Anthony was HILARIOUS!! and of course married.. aren't they all. The views were amazing and I went in a helicopter!!! it probably wasn't worth the $75 I paid for it because it was only 6 minutes but at least I can say I have been in a helicopter now :D

I've had a realllllly bad hair cut. It was already fudgingly short because the stupid Thai woman cut it so short but it was straggly at the back so I asked this hairdresser here in Melbourne to just tidy it up for me and she has basically made it so short it looks like I've shaved it on grade 2. I look like an ugly Russian shotputter on a bad 70's throw back day because she left my fringe as it was. Such bad times.

They are doing school disco night tomorrow night so I guess I will go to that. I need to get my sleeping pattern back in order ready to start working 9-5 shifts so I'm going to try proper hard to get up at 9am tomorrow and go explore the city a bit more tomorrow. I want to go see the cathedrals.. or I may wake up, look at the weather and go read on the beach. I am reading The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown at the moment and my heart actually races with fear for the characters!!! Going to go read some now actually... have a super fun day you lot - its 10pm here :D

Seriously...

EVERYTHING I see, go past, look up.. reminds me of Craig.

1. I go to Cambodia and the ONLY knickers in Siem Reap are CK ones so I am walking around with his name on my arse all day long
2. I go to Singapore and what are they advertising on MASSIVE building wide advert screens?? CK
   
3. I go to look up where Nichlson street is in Melbourne and the street next to the WRONG Nicholson street on Google maps is Calder street (Craig's dogs name)
4. I look up the CORRECT Nicholson street and the street next to it is called Elgin street!! (Elgin is where his daughter was born)
5. I meet 3 Scottish lads today.. loose connection I know but still.. Scottish
6. I go to a museums and see war stuff and planes and think "Craig would love this"

I will eventually just get over it and the references I see everywhere will just disappear but GRRRRR it's everyyywwhere!!!! Just a quick message to say hi and sorry would be nice.

Blog From The Plane..

Holy fup I'm on tha plane so! It was no touch and go whether I would make it this time. I was right fucking there waiting at 4am to begin check in at 12.30pm, and I was the first at the gate, holding onto the railings whilst staring at the stationary plane, praying the fudgher wouldn't disappear should I blink for too long.. which was a major possiblity given I haven't slept in what seems at least 17 years now.

I am a bit pissed to be honest. I've hardly eaten and I certainly haven't slept but I've had a few gins and tonics to celebrate the fact I manage to catch the flight without taking out my credit card again. The nice Emirates people are due to provide a snack actually.. where is my snack?! I'm peckish.

I'm also slightly delirious I think from the lack of sleep. I've been watching Michael MacIntyre's comedy road show on my own seat telly box, with massive headphones covering my mini ears, with the volume turned to the max because once again, I'm sat next to the twatting engine, giggling to myself like a complete nob. SQD you will know.. you know when we are all sat there nice and quiet listening to our calls, when suddenly, usually listening to one of Alistair's calls, I burst out laughing so loudly people jump?? That is the current scenario on the plane. Australian people are staring at the pissed, huge under eye bagged English girl who smells of yesterday's old clothes.. with come caution. The older ones look a lil afraid..

OMG there is a girl sat next to me though with the smallest feet on earth. She is like foot elf or something. It creeps me out where she fits them into the little storage flap on the chair infront. Shouldn't be allowed. I'm scared.

Oh fuck they just turned off the lights. It can't be bed time though, it's ten to eight and I haven't had my baguette snack dammit!! I'm going to have to go and punch a nicely dressed member of staff that speaks Korean in the face and demand a nicely dressed chicken sandwich and another gin.. brb.

KLIA: Welcome to My Fuck Awful Day

So. I'm not in Australia. I am in KL international airport sulking on a freezing cold floor, blogging through a snotty stuffed up nose from crying because I am a complete and utter absolute useless, fucking dickhead nobscratching twat head.

I missed my flight.. because I am all of the above. I read that the flight takes 7.5 hours.. so somewhere in my head that meant I was leaving at 7.30. Why?? I have no bastard clue. My flight left at 3.30pm and I arrived at the airport a pleasant hour and 15 minutes later. I casually looked at the board, figured my flight wasn't on there yet because I was nice and early. Had a lovely sit down, a bit of a people watch. Then it dawned on me.. how if my flight is at 7.30pm will I arrive at 1.05am in Australia if they are an hour ahead? I tried to do the maths which was really difficult given my retardation, and slowly but surely every muscle tensed and my pupils enlarged. Brain kicks the legs into gear and begins to panic slap my face for me.. “run bear.. run right now to Customer Services. Oh and lie. Tell them there was a traffic jam”.

So I did as my brain told me to. Lied through my teeth. Cried genuine but slightly more dramatic than necessary tears to get them to waive the flight fee. They did not. I paid £400 for a new flight which STA won't cover, which Emirates won't waive and which the shitey pointless insurance company refuse to pay. I was given the option of going home as well for an extra £200. I was in such a state that I actually gasped for air inbetween each word: “can.. you.. tell.. me.. how.. much.. Manchester.. is pleeeeease??” *huge massive gulping sob.*

Now I have 17 hours to kill in the airport. And I'm cold and tired. I am sat at what appears to be the only plug socket in the airport on the cold marble floor which of course means that I will no doubt get a terrible cold from sitting here too long which will lower my immune system and then I will get malaria. I will be taken to hospital via a helicopter which will of course crash in the bush and will then wake up being eaten alive by tarantulas. As is my luck I will survive but with hideous facial scaring and no hands, and live in a nursing home that stinks of wee for the rest of my pointless, handless and, due to face hideousness, sexless life. Ahhhh..... sigh.

At least there was one semi funny incident. My taxi driver seemed a bit obsessed with me. He kept asking me questions about my family and family life in England. He was completely bemused by the idea that my biological father is a cock and won't talk to me/bother attempting to get in contact, and can't understand why the lads have difficulty getting jobs in rich Eng-er-landski. After a proper barrage of questions came an awkward silence so I bombarded him with some. “Are you married and have kids?” And like it was oh so very normal, he proudly announces “yes TWO!” “two kids?” I asked. “No, no. 5 kids 2 wife.” I was totally shocked! SO I asked if they knew about each other and lived in the same house, and again, like I was asking a really dumb arse questions he replies “my, no. The wives know of each other but they do not like each other. They quarrel”. Apparently the kids don't even like each other and he can marry another 2 women if he fancies!! Crazy Muslim laws.

Right I'm going to go. I have purchased puzzle books to make the hours go faster and I need something fizzy. I'm not sure I can move my arse though.. being underwearless on a cold floor really creeps under the arse cheeks :-/ So.. HOPEFULLY.. maybe... blog from Aus. Or the bush once the helicopter has crashed. It will take me awhile to type with my nose though once my hands have been mauled off so expect an update in around 7 weeks.

Ta-ra.

Kuala Lumpur: Towers, Sewer Man, Blisters, Knickers Incident

Ok I have missed out Koh Phangan, Siem Reap and Singapore. I will blog about them later on!!

It's my last night in KL before Melbourne. I'm so nervous!! Also, after the mass bloggage update I'm finding it weird writing in the present tense. Actual to the minute expression of emotion! I am loving being able to find half a second to blog though. I have either been too busy talking to people back home or exploring, or just too damn exhausted to write.. and I only like to write when I have something funny to say.

So KL has been interesting. I arrived proper late in the evening and I didn't think they were going to let me check in. As I stepped out of the cab (which stank of bad breath.. Tsion will understand..) I almost stepped on a cockroach.. a fantastic introduction to the city! It didn't get better when the next morning I went for an exploration of my block and walked the wrong way right into the filthiest part of the city away from the city centre. It was horrid. There were thousands of men wearing dirty clothes and no shoes trying to push the white girl into their shops, it stank of excrement everywhere and you could choke on the fumes from the old cars. I went back to the hostel in a complete huff lol and announced via facebook that I would NEVER be coming back. I sat with a lad I was sharing a room with, Michael from Switzerland and had a proper good bitch! He was so interesting bless him and has been everywhere!! I learnt about his family and what he does on festive occasions.. such as did you know for Halloween they don't dress up and have parties, instead they go to the graveyards to pay respect then go and eat shit loads in restaurants?! And in Switzerland they open their presents on the 24^th, not the 25^th December!?? I correctly and sternly warned him this was not correct and he needs to inform his governemnt.

But despite the horrendous morning I figured I am here, I should see the sites so I asked for actual directions in the evening and went to take some photos. And to be fair.. I took some amazing photos!! the Towers are beautiful at night and there are lights dangling from every tree on the lead up to the city which makes the place look so much nicer. I had a great night exploring until it got to be about 10.30pm and I still couldn't find my way home. I wasn't going to use a taxi because I had been warned they can be dangerous and if they don't mug/sell you into the sex slave trade, they will at the very least over charge extortionately so I powered on and trudged through the city. I was about to walk up to a guy and ask for help because he was the only one around when I saw him pick up the drain grating on the pavement, look inside and then climb in. It was then I noticed he wasn't a black man as thought, but actually an Asian covered in dirt. And he lived in the sewer. Horror and fied. I was shizzing myself big time. It was a few moments after that that I finally located the hostel.

I was meant to get up at 6am to go and queue for the skybridge between the Petronas Towers but that didn't go well. I woke up at 11.30am and got out of bed at 12pm. I deserved a lie in after yesterdays horrificness! I decided instead to go and have a wander around the KLCC which is a lovely large park surrounding the Towers, and then go and visit the Aquarium. Oh last night also I bought a pair of flip flops which looked way comfy. I can confirm from my walk in the park and my walk back to the hostel afterwards.. they are NOT comfy. I have huge giant blisters on the soles of my feet which have made walking slightly awkward. I look a bit like a penguin that's shit itself.

Anywho.. it was in the park I had my knickers incident mentioned in the title. So.. in a nut shell.. I have run out of clean undercrackers. I have been forced to resort to my last clean bikini bottoms which you tie at the sides into a bow. They are a little like a nappy design I guess rather than good old pull on ones which makes them cute but, as I learnt today... unpractical for a lot of walking around. In summary... the knots at the side came undone. And I was wearing a dress. And I was in the park. There were people... there was knickers on the floor. There was shame. SO much shame. I very hurriedly ran to the Aquarium to put them back on. Double knotted the bastards so they couldn't do it again and I have now successfully cut off the blood flow to my legs. Tomorrow on my flight to Melbourne I am just gonna have to go boh! There is no other option.. I'm all out!

The aquarium was pretty darn cool. They had big sharks and cool turtles. I wanted to go diving in the cage with them but you had to book in advance :( ho hum I can just do it in Australia.

I have met two more people today on my travels. They are both sharing my room and are both amaizng. Mark is from Manchester and a fellow United supporter which is groovy :D I have successfully persuaded him that the Half Moon party is better than the Full Moon and Daniel.. wow. He is from Germany and so fucking generous and he has the most amazing stories!! For example, he was travelling through somewhere I have already forgotten when he came across this girl at his hotel bar. She is 17 and about to finish school and even though she is ranked number 3 brightest in her school, her parents can't afford to send her to university. So Daniel has offered to pay to send her to university for 5 years to become a doctor. Wow. Who else would do that for a stranger?! And when he was in Siem Reap, he was only supposed to stay there for 3 days to do the temples but on the last day he took a bike out and stumbled across an orphanage. He ended up staying 3 weeks playing and teaching the kids, then went over to Vietnam to see his friends and bought 87 pairs of shoes for the kids and went back! He has been back a 4-5 times to see them and his heading back over there tomorrow to say goodbye because his year off in Asia has come to an end. He really is an amazing guy and tells his stories in no order and they just roll off his tongue. He really has had some fantastic experiences. I'm very jealous!

Mark is a right laugh though. He was meeting these guys to go and see the Towers tonight and he went out all casual in a T shirt and shorts, and bounced back into the room 10 minutes later, being as Manchester as you could be and goes “I don't like this, this is awful I have to change! The lads are wearing shirts what's this all about?!” … Imagine Pete Kaye funny and you have Mark. I've only known him a matter of hours and already think he is lege!

Tomorrow my flight is 7.30pm so I need to leave around 5pm. That gives me a bit of time to do something but I'm not sure if there is anything else to do in this place. I stumbled across a Rahmadam festival last night which looked pretty cool – lots of noise coming from the mosque and the smells of food were wonderful. I didn't have any because I was stuffed from tea earlier on but I bet it was gorgeous.

Reet.. I best be off! My fingers have been worn down by so much writing I'm not so sure they have identifiable finger prints on them!! which will be an issue when leaving the country because they finger print you on the way in... hmm... tricky. I'll let you know hopefully not from a police cell.

I'll blog you again from Australia folks!!

Sangklaburi – Water Pipe, Tarantulas, Jimmies, Jungle, Hospital

In that order! I'm so so so far behind with my blogging. Since my last update I have been in 3 different countries!! I'm useless but let me try and remember what has happened.

The water pipe trek was aces! We slept in the village elders gaff in tents, drank a hell of a lot of his whiskey which he didn't charge us for, and danced like twats with their village band I guess it was.. there was one guy there who we called Snake Hips because he was really fucking bendy! You know those little giraffe toys that collapse at the knees when you push the bottom?? That was Snake Hips! He was semi toothless, smelt a lil bit but man could that boy dance.

The digging of the water pipe was proper hard work. We were given hoes which we can to carry with us and we had to walk into the jungle through rivers and stuff. At one point we finished digging this stretch so we went to dig somewhere further down. In order to do that though, the contractors had to clear a section of the jungle next to the river so down come all these trees.. and along with them came their inhabitants. Enter screaming. Spiders bigger than I had EVER seen were scrambling along the bank, diving and bobbing in the water and climbing up peoples legs. One of the lads, Michael, had the hugest spider ever wrapped around his left leg and was making its way up. Steph bless her had a poisonous one (I think.. correct me if I'm wrong) on her leg which she squashed! And there were crickets that made the loudest noises – at one point we actually stopped and asked where the drilling was coming from because it sounded like one of those huge drills that go deep into the earth... it was a cricket!!! SO loud I wish I could describe it or had taped it.

The elephant trek was amazing. I got to sit on the elephants shoulders so his ears were flapping my feet. It was really nice that actually because it kept my toes warm and bug free :D the spiders though were mahoosive! They were black and yellow ones which according to Mark are bird eating spiders. He has sent me a link to prove it but I am still unsure hehe. They were in the trees above us and because our elephant was so tall, we were having to duck underneath them and skim their cobwebs. Uber scary but the trek was so much fun. At one point Lucy was falling off the elephant but because of her shock that she was actually falling off, she couldn't speak to warn us!!! I turned around just in time to see her balancing on the balls of her arse cheeks, legs and arms all in the air to pull her back into the basket. Uber funny!!! Her face was amazing!!

We also went to D.R.E.A.M house which is an orphanage set up by a woman called Vic and that is funded by Starfish (Facebook https://www.facebook.com/dreamhouseproject?sk=info and website http://www.starfishdreamproject.org/ if you buy a tshirt for a tenner, you feed a kid for a month. The kids were in school when we got there so a few of us went to do some gardening. We got proper muddy but it was a laugh! I found a snail that was bigger than my head!! Fucking freaky shiz doesn't come close! The story we were told about the kids was pretty heart breaking – all are Burmese apart from Vic's own kid and they have seen some horrid sights like parents being killed. Lucy and Mark both told us all that quite literally a man in a white van goes around and picks kids up in the area to sell them for either sex or for their organs. Quite a sobering thought. So the money is worth it really. I got 2 tshirts and sent one home to mum. I want a blue one too so will have to order when I get to Aus.

The jungle trek was IMMENSE!! it was SO funny!! everyone kept falling down, me, Annie and Mark had a mud fight, Steph made up a song which I contributed to, I accidentally ended up floating down the river a bit too far when we stopped for lunch and had to grab onto a branch. It was after I got out of the river the guys pointed out a tarantula was making its way down to my hand!! Shitting a brick actually happened. A whole brick. We ate a river fish with rice for tea, we drank coffee, Milo, gin, Hong Thong and Coke out of our very own Bamboo cups made from an actual bamboo tree! Mark decorated mine for me which was very sweet, thank you! (I've had to throw it away now though because the bamboo was going moldy :-( sad times). And after all that fun, and playing truth or dare, I was eaten alive. By what? Who knows. The Thai chaperone guys were mystified! I literally had lumps all over my body and was the most itchy I have ever been. I went to the hospital where the English was NOT good. I was injected with God knows what because they couldn't tell me! But after a few days the bumps went down. I was still major fucking itchy though!!

OMG when we got back from the jungle there was a huuuuuuuge gheko in our room!!! Tracy bless her said proper calmly.. “Sarah.. just move away from the window for a second”.. which was really good of her after the jungle because everyone was so damn jumpy. If you made a loud noise or a sudden movement, you immediately assumed it was a spider or something. So as I moved away and looked back at the window, I saw two huge multicoloured legs with a huge tail sticking out above the curtain pole. Further brick shitting. We got Baz who is this teeny little lad, only 19 to come and help. He did nothing but make it fall in the bin and scuttle around the room! Then a Thai bloke came in to twatted it with a curtain pole. It ran away up into the roof where it stayed thankfully.

Oh and there was a spider incident on the jungle trek! When we arrived at the camp there was a masssiiiveeee bird eating spider in a web by the bamboo houses. Baz chucked a dead bug into its web so the spider would eat it, and as it was being wrapped up, the spider fell slightly and was dangling by one leg. Mark had been filming it all on my camera and threw a huge hissy fit! He was petrified!! and ended up lobbing MY camera into the wall!!! I have it all on video, including the bit of him passing it over to a GIRL because he was shaking so much hahaha. Big pansy!!

And then it was Koh Phangan time!!! Which of course will be another blog. Uno momento...

Kanchanaburi: Temples, Temples and More Temples. Oh and a Full Back Tattoo..

.. which HURT. But is pretty impressive. Unfortunately though I don't like it lol. Well I sort of do because everyone else says it's amazing and I like the attention being the egotistical person I am.. but overall.. it isn't what I asked for even one little bit. It is an angry tiger with two butterflies and a cherry blossom tree.. what I asked for was a playful tiger chasing just the one butterfly up my spine with no tree but after he spent so much time free handing it on, I kind of felt obliged to just have it tattooed on anyway :-/

But apparently it is beautiful and whilst the tiger isn't chasing the butterfly and isn't playful, it is still a cool tiger. However.. the second stage of the tattooing was pretty darn horrific. It started at 2pm and ended around 12.30am after I had drank 3 buckets of gin. And the buckets isn't me exaggerating.. you should Google.. they are actual buckets. And due to buckets there was vomit. So much so the tattooing couldn't continue and I had to go back a weekend later :( Poor Ashling, Steph, Vicky and Tracy had to force me to down liters of water purely to throw it back up, and physically carried me to the tuk tuk home. Apparently says Mark, if I hadn't been there to hold the tuk tuk up it would have fallen down hehe.. I vaguely remember holding onto the side of it for dear life whilst still in a stationary position, breathing very deeply with my eyes closed to stem the flow the spew. Quite embarrassing. A lot of apologising the next day...

I am so crap I can hardly remember at all what else happened.. there was a pool incident which I witnessed from the safety of my balcony.. the more bold of the group jumped in after getting slaughtered and de-dressed poor Mark... that was the whitest arse I have seen since my own in Tunisia when it was contrasting starkly against the horrific sunburn.

The temples were pretty impressive but no where near as awesome amazing as the Bridge of the River Kwai and the history! It turns out my great uncle Raph was a Jap POW who was there helping to build it! The stories behind the bridge are so horrific though.. it's like a morbid curiousity I have, like with the Nazis. We took the train over the bridge and the scenary was stunning. I of course took over 200 pictures (no lies) of pretty much just green rice fields but the pictures simply don't do it justice! The place was fantastic.

If anyone else can think of anything that happened, please comment so I can add it to the blog!

Bangkok Baby!

Wassup hommies?! I'm so sorry I haven't been blogging as I go as promised but I genuinely haven't had 5 minutes to stop or 5 minutes on my own. So due to jungle related injuries which I will explain later, and an empty hotel room for 30 minutes, I will blog about days 1-3 of the tour :-)

So getting here was a pain in the bastard arse!! Mum cried as I left which set me off so on the train to Derby my face exploded into a swollen puffer fishes that was red with white blotcy spots.. attractive I know - I was peeling potential suitors off at this point. Then my connecting train was leaving at 10 past the hour on the other platform... I arrived at 6 minutes past the hour and it took me 20 minutes to pull my twattingly large case up the first flight of stairs - so I missed it. I had to pay another £20.00 to get to the airport which isn't so bad but still a fricking ball ache when I planned on spending that last bit of cash money on books and malteasers. Not one person offered to help me with me sack of bricks either the meanies.

Honestly though my bag is really fucking heavy. The airport man sent me to another lane to check my bag in because it was so large.. and now I am here buying soveniers and clothes I will never wear again it has gotten heavier! When I got to BKK, the taxi man meeting me didn't speak much English but he did manage to say "ooh heavy yes?" before snapping his spine in 4 places lifting the case into the boot. Haha also, we were driving along and there were all these boards up with smiling faces and numbers next to them. I asked him what they were for and he said "erections" haha - he meant elections but I sat in silence jerking with silent laughter for approximately the rest of the day.

Bangkok though... mint. I arrived at night when Koh San Road was at its livliest and I can't explain to you the varierty of smells, the colours, the amount of people from all over the world.. it was insane! And I loved it. The second I got on that road I knew Thailand was a fantastic choice for the first stop. The hotel was pretty rank to be honest but it had 4 walls, a bed and a shower which I desperately needed.. I was attracting flies and had I not had a shower I think doctors would have assumed I was the walking dead who was decaying on her feet and attempted to bury me or something.

The first morning I went down to breakfast and to check out of the room. I met this lovely woman from Scotland who told me her entire life story by the time I had finished buttering my first slice of toast. By the time I had finished spreading the jam I had found out about an abusive relationship and by the time I had finished eating both of the pieces of toast I felt like I had lived with her for my whole life and that I might marry one of her sons!

Later on I met Tracy, my fellow northern adventure room mate! She is ace - dead funny! We explored Bangkok a little bit and had our first Pad Thai's - yum fucking scrum about sums it up. We got completely drenched in hot rain then went back to the room where I sat drying under freezing air con.... enter cold and chest infection that lasted a week - I still have my cough, though it is less flemmy.. always a good thing! Less to chew... (lol at the people who just went "ewwww")

Whilst it felt like we were in Bangkok for ages, we actually weren't - we left for Kanchanaburi (further bloggage to come) on day 3. Day 2 was spent walking around he Grand Palace, Wat Po, Reclining Buddha, Wat Arun, a river trip and then finally back Koh San Road on a Tuk Tuk! Those things are MENTAL!! They drive at inconcievable for the size speeds and will literally drive over anything and anyone in their way - the near misses and probably now limping dogs were too many to count. All the places we went to were amazing and covered in gold. The reclining Buddha was MASSIVE!!! There you get to throw coins into 120 wishing pots.. so I wished 60 times for my mums health and 60 times for everyone elses :-) (and then a lil wish at the end that I will marry a blonde haired, blue eyed sex beast with a 10 inch cock who wants 4 babies and has a good heart.. might as well wish whilst I can!)

We are back to Bangkok for one day at the end of the tour before I am off to Cambodia so will get to eat some Pad Thai off the street stalls again before I go. Bangkok was truely amazing and so much fun. You guys should come see... Gemma!! Futher blogging will arrive shortly...

Team Wendy do Tunisia

I figured I would start with an explanation of Team Wendy. Our in-flight guardian angel (trolley dolly in charge) was called Wendy and the name stuck. Any time a small issue arose, we called and blamed Wendy but only in a very posh English accent. For example just before we started to taxi out, I saw a massive plume of what I guess was engine dust?? come from the engine. I turned around and went “errr.. WENDY!” in a full on panicked posh English man way. Then later I noticed Krisitina's and mines drop down tray was rickety. This would not do I said so in a posh voice I raged “WEEENNNDDDYYY!!!” From that point on it was everything from “WENDY! I need a sucky sweet!!” to “WENDY! The lights have gone off and I want a cuddle!”

And so Team Wendy was born :-) we have even blamed the sunburn and the extra strong cocktails on bloody Wendy.

I was going to do a day by day update but then figured I couldn't be arsed and too much had happened to be bore you so I will attempt a summary.

There was a man who sold smoothies but only knew how to say “Vitamins, YES lovin' it!!” - this man, without a doubt in my mind, was the most annoying man on the planet. Every 5 bastard minutes directly into your ear drum “VITAMIIIINS!” - Google Vitamin man Marhaba beach and you will find him.

I fell in love with a couple of the entertainment guys – Tito and Laska but have been told since we left, Tito was fired for drinking alcohol with the guests. Naughty boy! He was so damn fit though! Tito would come and sit on me and managed to, with the help of Gem, persuade me to learn some Arabic such as Asslema, besslema, ismi and wlad, oh and em shie and shokran. I even got my name in Arabic as a necklace :D I really like the language.

I felt up a boy in the sea called Akram who then stalked me for hours. He wouldn't leave and was staring from the other side of the railings separating the hotels beach and the sea. I didn't see him again though so good times! I tell you what though, if you are even in dire need of a husband or need a confidence boost – go to Tunisia. Every male person was blowing kisses, asking to take you out for coffee, saying “you have beautiful face”, and offering to cook fish and cous cous back at theirs. It was here I wanted to use em shie quite a bit! (means go away)

Gem buried me in the sand which was fun! We also appeared to have pissed Newton off by playing the air trombone during the music man song for the kids. We had a right laugh!! We did lots of swimming in the med, played water piggy in the middle, blew up a lilo, and I personally drank enough gin to kill an adult African elephant. The bar tender poured a normal sized thingy of gin and then put just a drop more in. I went "hoooo hooo hoo!" and at that he smiled and poured in another shot. This then became a very funny running joke between us and within 30 minutes I had downed nearly 12 shots of gin and was sufficiently wanked.. to the point where I was stroking the wall commenting on how lovely and bumbpy it felt against my palm. Gem shouted at me for going in the pool whilst pissed and then made me go and play archery!! Nice float in the pool vs being in control of a deadly pointy weapon..... Gem chose wisely hehehe.

We also went to the zoo, talking of elephants! I paid 1 dinar (50p) for the zoo keeper to go and rag the tail off a cheetah in order to get a decent picture! And we held a baby meetkat :) he was all scrawny and felt a bit like sandpaper wrapped in a hot water bottle but was cute non the less.

I also held a baby kitten! But that was at Port El Kantoi. Me and Newton rode the noddy train which was dead cool. Whilst at the port we saw this lovely big bird perched on a big wooden gate. And literally as I was getting my camera out to take a picture I said to Newton “I best this is a trap” - half of a millisecond later a man literally transformed from being a nice green bush by the side to being a pushy, arrogant Tunsian twat. “Take picture of kestral for 2 dinar 2 dinar 2 dinar!” - take a photo picture of my fist hitting your skull for free free free buddy.

I took many photos but that was of course to be expected! Over 300 were taken but also 60 were deleted because of double chin errors, large stomach failures and accidental pictures of thumbs and TV poles.

We went to see dolphins which was cool but had to pay 20 dinar in order to touch one and have a photo taken. Robbing barstewards. You were only allowed to touch the dolphin for a couple of seconds as well and had we paid to go swimming with them, we would have been left behind because the coach driver wanted to leave the second the dolphin show had finished.

The last day was spent in the sunshine doing some last minute skin cancering. We had to check out by 12pm so all of our stuff was in the baggage room – uncomfortably accessible by anyone at any time..

And because I am writing this almost a week after it all ended, and because right now I am in Bangkok, I can't actually remember anything else that happened!! I just know it was a good holiday, that the orange ice cream was sexually arousing, that given the chance I would have ruined Tito, and that there was sand. A really lot of sand. And it was hot. And there was severe burn.

Good holiday :-) I will re-update hopefully tomorrow when I have a free day all about the magnificence that is Bangkok – honestly the best place ever! Gnight folks.

Last Night in High Wycombe: Facebook Commentary

11pm: Sarah 'Bear' Rowlands: last night in the flat.. last night in High Wycombe. Spent with two of my bestest good friends eating the bestest good indian in the land. Now.. to actually pack.

2am: Sarah 'Bear' Rowlands: Major embarrasing uneven pre-holiday eye brow plucking. I guess I will have to tell people I have had a minor stroke or something.

3am: Sarah 'Bear' Rowlands: ‎3.05am on the buzzer, everything is finally packed and in walks VERY drunk housemate with a guy she doesn't know and a female friend literally screaming "that bloke is a fucking nutter Emily, a fucking NUTTER!".. Fun last night in High Wycombe.

3.30am: Sarah 'Bear' Rowlands: Housemate has got off with the stranger and has now booked a taxi for another male friend.. however she is so shit faced she has just called and asked ANOTHER male friend round "for a good hard fuck" - this could be interesting when both arrive at the same time.

3.31am: she is currently now on the phone to the 2nd guy begging him to not come over now she has realised her mistake...

3.33am: she has now told 2nd guy the truth and pleading with him to not think she is a slapper... apparently he is coming over for a really fast 5 minutes shag...

3.35am: 2nd guy has arrived... 1st guy will be here in like 7 minutes time!!! oooooh the tension!!!

3.42am: ‎1st guy is HERE!!!! MID SHAG OF THE 2ND GUY!!! oooooooooooh horror...

3.44am: she has just buzzed the 1st guy up as she tells the 2nd guy "he's a rubbish shag but you.." - restarts shag!!! the 1st bloke is at the fucking door!!!

3.47am: 1st guy still waiting at the door..... shag still going on. I am very unhappy I can actually hear all this :(

3.50am: 1st guy is ringing the mobile again... she is letting him in now. 2nd guy being rushed out!

3.51am: 1st guy said hello to the 2nd guy. 1st guy then says "oh great so one guy in one guy out?" ... she is now leading him to the bedroom...

3.54am: she is now shouting very loudly "im not a slut, im a cougar!"

3.57am: 3rd shag of the night commences... Thank goodness this is my last night here!

3.59am: mid shag break to bitch about his current girlfriend who appears to be a mutual friend of housemate....

4.02am: housemate for the 5th time now has mentioned "I have a new bed!".. 1st guy is getting the hint and moving out of the kitchen towards the bed... remind me not to eat my cocopops in the kitchen tomorrow

4.26am: have rummaged through packed suitcase and found ear plugs. Thank the fridging Lord. Good night!!!!

Last Day at Work

And I am blogging!! I have managed to do a solitary audit, I've had my exit interview which scared the new HR lady.. probably said a bit too much and have put her off :-/ woops. Someone let me know if she comes back in on Monday!

I have bought, cooked and provided MUCH food. But it is going down really well and most has gone in the lunch hour rush. I am majorly full up from drinking the pop and eating the cool flavoured crisps that have been oh so convieniently put next to me. The food takes over 2 desks. At least everyone is happy with the selection ;-) I bought carrots just for Traff but because he is stuck downstairs and everyone is convinced eating 7000 carrots is healthier than one cake, he might be out of luck by the time he gets up here.

You will be pleased to hear I am no longer Nigerian!!! I am now a pleasant, soft skinned Italian - much preferrable.

O'Neills tonight and then the Loosely I thinks. We are going to pick up Lloydatron in 30-ish minutes. Me and Tim have stopped all work in excitment!!

Next blog will most likely to be with you after my holiday in Tunisia and before the big day of leaving so goodbye for now, thank you everyone at work for the nice things you have said, sorry HR lady for making you rethink a career with Acenden and catch you soon!!

Blacking up

Look up "Chocolate Rain" because it not only goes with the blog but it is also so stuck in my head I've been singing it for hours.

So today I went to get a spray tan. It seemed a bargain at £15 each for myself and Kristina and seemed a good idea at the time to get it done the night before the big leaving work evening. I was wrong.

The summary of events goes as follows: Kristina was taken into a room for around 20 minutes. She came out looking like someone else because she had taken off her makeup and was a nice golden brown! She tells me the lady who did the spray tan asked her what colour she would like to go and on hearing "not orange, anything but orange", the decision was made to go with chocolate brown.

I was not given this option people. I was not asked "would you like to be a bit browner, golden or Nigerian" - I was just sprayed Nigerian.

It was the weirdest situation ever really. I was asked to strip and go and stand on the other side of the room in the spray booth which seemed a thousand miles away from the door and also on a platform so it was like a stage really! I was all fidgety and trying to hide my bareness with my arms but also wanting to appear all relaxed and normal. I pretended to have something in my eye purely so I could lift up my right arm thus covering at least the right boob from show.

And in saunters a woman who does a superb job of not vomiting on the spot when she saw my stomach or doing that "I can't help but look so I will try and do it shiftily" glance down at the ladies. Her will power impressed me.

As I stood on my stage of nakedness waiting for the questions about what colour I would like to go, I watched her fill up the sprayer whilst she talked merrily away about holidays. I was not listening to a single word she said because my attention was transfixed on what she was putting in the spray machine. It was at this point my head was literally screaming "tell her she is filling the machine with tar Bear... Quickly now seriously she is pointing the nozzle at you and it's filled with something black... no.. no Sarah don't turn around so she can start spraying your back, TELL HER THERE IS BLACK INK IN THE --" pssssssssshhhhhhhhtttttt.... "nice one Rowlands. Too late now".

THEN I did the most stupid thing after she finished.. I asked her when it would be ok to epilate my legs and she said "oh in that case you need another layer if you want to epilate". Brain dials the mouth but only receives the answer machine.. and leaves quite an abusive message - "don't fucking let her spray you again twat head!!! think of the Ross off FRIENDS episode!! No DON'T!!! - pssssssssssssssshhttttt.

I figure it can't be too bad because people get them done all the time. But when people started to stare, children started to cry, and people who were getting there hair done nudged each other and said "didn't that girl used to be white?" I figured I may have made an error. It might be paranoia but I am pretty sure people were shocked when I spoke with a northern accent as apposed to one you would associate with someone from Trinidad.

Oh well I guess. Better to be confused as someone from Afro-caribean decent than Welsh.

Whilst the Race is Red Flagged..

.. I thought I would take a minute (as I discussed with Mr Lewis) to congratulate myself lol.

What I mean is I'm just SO proud of myself that I have managed to achieve my dream. Since I split up with Daniel my goal has been to go travelling. Other ideas have of course surfaced since we split.. has been 3 years now.. like houses, babies, RAF and university again. But one thing always came with me and always seemed to make my heart pound more. The thought of never seeing the world carefreely was too much to bear.

I have never worked so hard for something than I have for this and when people say to me "God you're so lucky", I want to shake them and say "it wasn't luck mate! I didn't win the lottery or a prize! I worked really fucking hard to clear my debt. I lived in a horrid, horrid house with druggies, mold, mice and slugs in order to save an extra £50 a month. This isn't luck, this is pure fucking achievement."

So here is to me. To Sarah Bear Elizabeth Princess Rowlandez for achieving your own goals and physically living the dream.

P.S... thank you too to everyone who got me here (and for suggesting the coin :-P) xx

The Last Sunday

Sup. It's late Saturday night.. a few minutes to 12am. As soon as 12am hits it will be Sunday.. be last one in the UK for at least 2 years. I feel like I should have a traditional roast or do something Sunday ish! The most Sunday thing I will be doing tomorrow is watching the F1 in Canada but even that isn't traditional because it is on at 5pm..not the usual 12.15pm. So it will mean I can't go to the traditional Shoulder of Mutton either.

But maybe that is a good thing.. It's not like I will never be back or never have a Sunday dinner again is it!!

Today's blog is going to be a boring blog btw.. I can't think of what to write because I am distracted by the TV - I'm watching 16 and Pregnant.. all my friends are having babies :( I am unbearably jealous. I would love to have a baby.. wish at least just one of the three I managed to make had made it. One day ey. One day.

I bought some sexy new jeans today - I traded in all my coins I had saved which came to £32 and seen as every single store except for Next only had skinny jeans, I spent the £30 in some new petite jeans that actually fit.

I text Craig today. He didn't reply. Think I just need a hug to be honest. I really shouldn't have access to my phone or laptop when it's late and I'm tired.

Oh fucks sake I can't stop thinking about Craig and babies. I'm going to go - I'll write a better blog tomorrow when I'm less.. bleh.

Hey... it's 12am. Last Sunday is here. See ya.

No Title...

.. I miss Craig. So much.

15 hours of Saturday

Bonjourno Deano! (Love the Fosters adverts - "you're good at painting!" "thanks mate!") hehe. How do?

I am currently sitting on my mattress on the floor attempting to plan the Australia leg of the travelling. But let me update you on yesterday via a time line:

6am - I woke up in a semi dream state and believed my alarm is actually animal noises coming from a game I was playing at the zoo! It was going off every 5 minutes and in my dream I thought I was pressing a big buzzer to stop the noise and shout out what the noise was from. I eventually woke up properly at 6.35 shouting "RHINO!".

6.45am - I managed to roll into the shower, scratching my head wondering why my alarm would sound even remotely like a rhino.. what does a rhino even sound like?!

7am - Started to dismantle the bed. I figured out half way through that I had packed the alen key. Much rage as I went through every box to find it. Thank crunchie I didn't sellotape the box lids down!

7.35am - Fay the life saver moves the van up to the top for me. I go and wake up a very cold filled Timothy to help move the pieces of bed out.

8.30am - Newton arrives looking very poorly. Me and Tim like a team of super human van packers load the van in less than 5 minutes! GO TEAM!!

9am - and we are off to Reading to pick up a parcel. We of course got lost because the satnav took us through Wycome twice. We finally go to Reading and left around 10.15am. I was beginning to proper panic we might not have the van back in time for 5.30pm :-/ We also discovered at this point that my giant cactus, Flavours, had taken a turn for the worse.. he had fallen down. No arms were snapped off which was a mircale!! But the roots had been pulled up and there was soil everywhere. Upsetting :(

10.15am - Silverstone!! How cool!

11.15am - we went past Silverstone again. HOW?!?!?! How did this happen?!?! We were following the satnav and it took us in ANOTHER major circle. Then satnav died. Hell broke lose. I made an emergency subscription to Orange satnav but my phone was only half charged.

1.30pm - we FINALLY made it to mums! Kev and Stu unloaded the van for us which was pleasant. I like standing around having slaves do things for me. Kev attempted to get into my safe (PLEASE remember mum to just throw it/burn it if I should die) but couldn't mwhahaha. He pleaded with me for the TV and apparently after I left he went through all my boxes. How I love privacy....

2.05pm - we took a slight detour to Aldi where Newton asked if they would accept cards. She had never been in an Aldi before and I'm pretty sure if I hadn't been there to guide her she wouldn't have gone in because she didn't have her passport and some Deutshmarc. We bought pink lemoade, some fruit drops, a packet of licorice allsorts and diet orangeade.. for £2.98!!! FREE!!

2.13pm - my battery goes. Panic sets it. We no longer have access to any road guidance, no way of telling Tim where we are or when to pick us up, no way of telling the van hire company we may be late, and no way of figuring out how to get to the van hire place itself. My advice to Newton was just go south. Keep south and something will show up!!

3.30pm - we see a Only Fools and Horses replica car being towed. Epic!

4.55pm - we hit Thame - yaayy!!! But now ooooh.. where is the van hire place?? Newton asked a man who I immediately fell in love with. He had an odd Irish-Ameican accent, had blue eyes and blonde hair, was wearing a khaki green tshirt and riding a bike. He was all trim and muscley in the right places. I would have been happier if he had directed me to his bedroom as opposed to the garage. I'd of paid the late fees to get on him. Rarrrr.

5.17pm - call to Tim from the petrol station. I filled the van back up whilst Newton showed cleavage in order to make a free phone call to him. Well played, well played.

5.28pm - with SECONDS to spare the van was put back in. We meet another FIT as fuck bloke. Serious consideration is now being put into moving to Thame. Tim picks us up after a prolonged wait and a good bitch about other Thame dwellers - it was about 25 degrees and people were walking around in Ugg boots and black coats and scalfs.. why?!?

8pm - after a shower and sorting out the mattress on the floor, me and Newton went for an indian at Chutneys. We practically snorted lines of popodom such was the need to eat them, mixed with a line of mango chutney. If I had had a syringe I would probably have injected some of mint yoghurt into a vein too.

8.35pm - the meal is served. With a pubic hair on my plate. Unhappy face appears. Pubic hair plate disappears. New non curlys plate arrives. Happy face returns.

9pm - we ordered desert. I asked for chocolate moouse expecting a nice fluffy chocolatey treat. The waiter couldn't say moouse so he confirmed my order to be a chocolate mouse. I said ok.. see what happens.

9.05pm - chocolate ice cream arrives. Whilst I was relived it wasn't a chocolate dipped rodent, it also wasn't what I had ordered so there was a mixture of emotions here.

9.30pm- off home where I collapsed. Long day.

Happy Birthday Amnesty International

I've been a bit lazy recently and forgotten about the things I'm really passionate about. And when I say recently I mean pretty much on and off for the last 10 years.

I remember as a 15-17 year old how passionate I was about Green Peace, Amnesty International, and then in 2009 The One Campaign... but I never really did anything about it.

In uni I went to a few get togethers for Green Peace and I'm signed up to all their email bits but I have never got off my backside to really care or make a difference.

Until last week really. I was told I am going to be teaching human rights to kids in Cambodia and my passion has been reignited! I've non stop looked at documentaries, read the websites, even started writing a letter to Libya!! But the point of this blog today was to say this...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL!! and well done so far :-)

Damn Studio Catalogue

I did something a bit weird and gross today - I stole the housemates Studio catalogue out of the bin. I couldn't believe she just threw it away!! But she hates Christmas which I simply can't understand.

However, as soon as I stole it I realised I won't be here for Christmas. I had plans for this Christmas such as being in my own house, decorating the shit out of it and having my family over for an epic Christmas eve buffet, a MASSIVE Christmas dinner with at least seventy thousand After Eights, turkey butties for supper, and another Boxing day buffet with left over dinner, sausage rolls and salmon baps.

I wanted not just my huge tree that I already own, but I wanted little mini trees in every room and a to buy a special Christmas dinner set. Thinking about all these things made me quite upset.

So I've just read the Studio catalogue (can you say read when all you did was look at the pictures??) and saw the Christmas stuff I'd love to buy like a father christmas and snowman door mat, and a father christmas toilet seat cover.

I'm also going to miss giving my family presents. I actually live for buying presents!!! And the weather is important too. People complain about the snow and the cold but for me.. the colder it gets the closer it is to Christmas so I really quite enjoy it.

Christmas in Oz will be very weird. Have to admit.. I'm not looking forward to it.. :-/