There was snow and the like!

Bon-jer!! How be? I'm shaggingly fantastic thanks for asking. Since the last update I have been slaughtered twice, there was carnage chaos caused by unexpected snow, a relatively dull and uneventful train journey for which we will just skim past for fear of people slipping into comas, a Christmas day and so much food eating I am awfully afraid that when I get home and get the scales they will at first laugh and then begin to choke and gasp for relief of my 18 stone dead weight feet.

So we had the Christmas Capstone Party.. for which I would like to SINCERELY apologise to those who I lap danced, held the face of whilst I told them how amazing they were and attempted to high five which only ended with either me sitting on them or slapping in said face.. much sorry. It was brilliant fun though! I very much enjoyed being watched by Ken Burke as myself, Carpy and Vicky made repeated.. and very loud.. toasts to the "lack of foreskin" and "toasting for the sake of toasting". I dirty danced (otherwise known as getting on my knees in the middle of the floor shouting WOOO), made the dance floor go from 50 people to 10 when U2 came on and I flung my arms around like I was signalling "ice berg" from the top of the Titanic.. was propositioned by a very hansome young man, and was then dragged almost kicking and screaming to a taxi because I was talking to the Stepstone girl who was working on a visit to Dublin for me!!

My party outfit I was so pleased about because I genuinely thought it wasn't going to fit. The spray tan incident though.. my Allah you probably had to be there but I walked in, all giddy and confident and said to the bloke of foreign persuasion on the desk "mate, I have a cold and I know we aren't supposed to rub any part that has been tanned, so what do I do about blowing my nose?" ... he looked at me, smiled and rather curiously said "I'm ok I don't need my nose blowing but perhaps later I will let you know.".... Well I pretty much just stared at him... turn around and not very tactfully burst out laughing and pushed Vicky towards the desk so she could pay for her turn. I tell you those machines are quite scary!! You go into a room and the bloke tells you because the stuff drips you need to put moistureiser on your feet... so I proper lubed my toesys up and took a step towards the machine on a tiled floor and pretty much just floated on moistueriser to the other side of the room!! Not the comical cartoon slipping at speed type... but the very gradual, picking up pace slide to the other side of the room, arms outstretched and head turning in bemusement and concern whilst the eyes looked confused and hopeful that I will a) stop and b) find something to riqochette off to head back to the machine.

I was disappointed when I left the machine and got home. All I was was sticky, wet and a funny smell.. not really what I had paid for. However, the following morning the first sight that greeted me was my very very brown face... followed closely by a very very white forhead... that's right.. a forehead halo. I have never wanted to crawl up my own as much as I did that morning. I praised GOD that I had a fringe to cover it because moran is an understatement.

Then there was Sunday; the pretend Christmas. My that was a joyeous, busy and eventful day and night. There was secret santa, brussel sprouts that not one person wanted, waff-fur fin miints, a snow ball fight at the bottom of the garden field that ended promptly when I saw animal tracks headed to a whole in the snow... Vicky threw up which was delightful and the Wii was set up YAY!!!!

Then there was the deadly snow!! People were stranded, Bambi fell over carrying my suitcase which was so fantastically wonderfully funny because it wasn't a "thud - I have falled", but it was a very ungraceful slippage of feet in every direction whilst he tried to control himself and not let the suitcase fall. He ripped his trousers crotch bit with the effort he put into not falling down. I will mention a bit of the train here because, if he reads it, I want him to know I'm very sorry... I got on the Virgin train and a little blokey.. who may have been on day release from the special farm.. came up and asked if I fancied a cup of tea. Because I wasn't sure who he was I kind of just looked at him and said "err.. no?", he smiled and then wandered back up the train. Me thinking he was just a weirdo trying to get me to take his drug laced tea, I asked the train conductor which carriage the buffet cart was in.. and to my HORROR I was told he was packing up and had to go RIGHT NOW to see if he was still there.. so with my eyes dead ahead and practically running... for the need for a brew was strong.. I almost ran through the little cart of snacks and quite loudly demanded "CUP OF TEA AND A KITKAT".. with "NOW PLEASE" almost as an after thought... and then there he was.. the little dude, grinning I think with fear. I felt so bad that this polite little man.. a few sandwiches short of a picnic.. had so kindly offered me a cup of tea before he shut up shop and I had pretty much mocked him and shooed him away like a dirty pigeon. So if you are reading this... man who I have now openly mocked and abused.. ever so sorry!!

CHRISTMAS!!!! then happened. I got loads of epic things!! Seasons 4-11 of South Park.. rock that shit on.. and 2 games for the Wii. I also got a joke but real telescope woop! for spying, a 5 year diary because I LOOOOOOOVE to plan and my first family airloom :-) Which I first I appeared to be very ungreatful for which I swear I wasn't and am not I was just very very sleepy!! I didn't go to sleep till 3am and then Kevin and David... like the 5 year olds they are.. woke me at the break of dawn to open presents. It is a glass bauble with a robin inside that's inscribed with "merry christmas always, mum x" ... I will cry at Christmas when she's gone... ooo sobering words there... back to frivolity!!!!

I have eaten so much crap it's really not good.. and I've had so much pop and no water that I'm begining to fizz I'm sure of it. I'm certain the next time I go to the toilet the sound won't be water falling but more the theme tune to the coca cola adverts.. how disturbing would that be?!?! "ahhhhhh much better *distant but very real* -"alwaysss cocccaa coolllaaaa...." .... horror.

I also won £230 on bingo!!! But today I have lost £80 of that trying to win more so.. erm.. woopsie!!! Least it's £150 going off the credit card which is much better than a poke in the eye. I am now away to my bed. I left mum downstairs watching Cranford or something equally as Victoriannly gay.. I swear that programme is only about bonetts, girls who talk in riddles running in a field, falling and men arriving on horses!!

Choo choo tomorrow so I better get an early night... or lie down with the 'lecy blanky on watching porn inbetween more bouts of bingo :-D potato potarto hehe. Night kids xx

On the orders of a Gem Lloyd!

Well it has been a while to be fair so I did need an update!! We have been on many adventures since my last update and things like presents and Christmas trees have appeared!!

Just a quick interjection here.. how fuckin boring is Bette Midler??! She's on the Royal Variety thing right now and I am seriously loosing the will to live.. Anywhooo... I have another reason to update this actually.. to distract me from the searing, harpooning, shocking and sight blurring paid that is epilation.. I mean seriously WHY is wrenching18 tiny hair at the same time from a small patch of skin with a handheld machine so painfull??? And HOW does Carpy manage to do it on her underarms?? I mean really.. She has balls of steel!

Back to adventures, there was an epic adventure with Bambi and Vicky the other day for Kentucky!! That was awesome and the kiddnapping was just brilliant.. I won't elaborate.. that's between us and the wind..... But the best set of adventures so far without doubt is the car rides to the caves! It all started maybe last week when Gem decided we should go for a McFlurry run and end up at the caves.. little did I know the caves consisted of a GIANT morselleum (I really don't think that's spelt right, so we will blame the dyslexia!) and a grave yard with a church...

SO there we were.. just us two.. alone.. in a car whose security measures I seriously question.. debating whether to get out the car. After a much needed fag and a bit of shitting of ourselves.. we got out!!! And Gem and me.. the two most afraid of the dark and ghosts people ever.. ventured into the graveyard to walk between the graves.. why???? Well I don't know to be honest!!!! AND THEN!!! When we got alll the way around and went through the most darkest piece of woodland there has ever been in the history of dark folliege.. a beam of light, so bright my corneas shreaked with pain.. bathed us both.. we looked like deers in headlights about to be kidnapped by aliens.. I have absolutely no shame in confirming we grabbed a hold of each other and clinged to the other persons clothing until we reached the gate and realised it wasn't a space shit or a vortex for the dead.. but instead a car of lesbians!!

The cave adventures got a little spacey the next time around.. there may have been some other things involved that perhaps made my mind wander a little bit... or at least by approximately 67 seconds behind the rest of everyone elses!! But I tell you that made walking through the pitch black woods that extra bit weird.. I could NOT tell for the life of me if I was dreaming or awake.. And for one very particular spot I truely belived I was part of the film The Blair Witch because from absolutely no where Vicky (who joined on this most amazing car drive), SCREAMED (I think...) "wheres the path???!!!!!" ... well freaked me the fuck out. Where was thepath??! Am I awake?? Who is with us?? What do we do if we can't get back???!!!

I started to sober up a little bit on the country car ride.. which I don't remember to be honest.. but was awake and very blurry eyed in time for the kebab van man who had THE most hilarious accent.. serkously you had to be there but the way he BARKED "ONNIIOOOOONS???" to this poor unsuspecting kebab wanting individual was the most funny thing I've ever heard.. me and Gem were literally having a wee behind the van and we just left poor Vicky to giggle and continue waiting for the chips.... for which there were MANY. That was the largest box of chips cheese and mayonnaise I have ever seen in my life.. and quite frankly.. because I was starving by that point.. the best meal I have ever experienced.. until the following day when the cheese seemed to want to make a rather rapid exit.......

Ahhhh good times though!! The tree is up wooohooooo and it is beautiful.. so so pretty. Doug is doing well! Vicky said to be the other week that he was proper fat.. I was like no he isn't!! He is just big boned, he's a big lad!!!! I was going to take proper offence until I read his food bag that said "300 days of food" and realised I'd used half of it in two months.. so I was wrong, he's not big boned at all, he is a rate fat bugger!!!! Morbidly obese?? I THINK SO!! I told him today he was going to stay with Aunty Gemma for 8 days.. I took his opened mouth, kaola bear ears and sneezing as confirmation he was excited!

Well my avid fans I must be away to my bed.. I have epilated one half of one leg and have decided it simply isn't worth it!! So I will be spray tanned hairy.. I don't mind!! Anywho folks, the next update will probably be on Monday when I am on my way to my mummys for Christmas WOOOOHHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Have an amazing rest of the week.. see you later aligator x x x

The day after the move..

Bonjour! It's early morning Tuesday and Tallyman is down WOOHOO!! Means I can update this thing with how the move went last night :-D Well.. it went. As reported on Sunday I had NOT fully packed which was a major error. I have so much stuff left over it is unreal so I am going to have to revisit the place, hopefully with Bambi! To get the rest of the stuff and get out of there because I cannot stand the hoe who I lived with anymore. She is a he/she without a shadow of a doubt!!!! And a grumpy opinionated selfish witch/wizard.

What happend.. as I thnk I reported on Sunday.. was there was an olive oil spill in the kitchen. I cleaned it as best I could with the materials I had available.. which was none of my own because the he/her had stolen or moved them all.. but I will admit it was still really slippy. So anywho, came to move yesterday and she is in the house stomping around, annoyed there are other people in the house making a noise and she goes "do you know where my mop is?".. "which one?" .. she sighs.. "my one the one from in there".. "oh probably outside drying".. then the cow roles her eyes, lets out a bigger sigh and stomps off shouting back "I can assume it's full of grease then".. so I shouted back "well I did wash it in warm water" .. and what I got in response was "yeah like the floor and a slam of the door". I was so ready to punch that bitch out but I figured sack it.. I am busy, I can't be bothered with a police record and in less than 48 hours I will never have to see her again.

I was proper suprised by how smooth the actual move went to be fair! The lads bless them were so tall and strong that they managed some how to get the sofa and the TV cabinet up there with pretty much minimal errorage! I say that.. there was a nose bleeding incident and a very cut hand but.. meh! Waasnae me that was bleeding! hehe.

All moved in we decided to go to the sausage tree which may have been a minor drunken error.. i had 3 bottles of Frulli.. beautiful beautiful strawberry beer! But it did make unpacking quite entertaining. OMEGA I nearly broke my new TV!! Didn't read the stand instructions so just sort of lobbed it on, went to turn my back on it and caught it mid air as it was falling.. I would have absolutely cried my eyes out if that had broken. So excited to get it proper up and running now I've seen it out the box though, it looks so goooood.

So onto the first night/morning in the new house.... COLD. Overwhelming feelings are cold. The radiator in the new place doesn't work so my room is about minus a million. How poor Doug survived I will never know! Probably actually because he was up ALL night chewing the bars and pushing things around to make clinky clunky noises. Arse!!!

The rush for the shower though really suprised me because there wasn't one! NINE people living in the same place and not one person was in either of the bathrooms.. good times!!! The shower though.. that is another story. It is one of those really old skanky ones with a broken head so water was shooting everywhere!!! I was literally running around in the bath going "am I wet I am wet!??!?!" .. and THEN because the temperature was a bit high, I tried to move it to cold and I am DAMN sure that the fecker went "hmm messing with the controls eh?? BURN HER!!!!" ... I probably have massive welts on my back from the scolding.

SO after my scorching shower (just to note here my skin is amazingly soft!! Maybe it melted it down to the next layer??) .. I realised I had not brough my iron.. error.. I have NO crinkle free clothes for work.. So at 8.15 I had to peg it to tesco, buy some horrid tesco own work trousers which make me look like some sort of clown and a top I have realised it horrifically similar to Vickys... twin error again!! OMEGA however I saw an amazing wonderment of nature... on the way to work I saw a mouse.. a proper mouse.. FROZEN in mid run!!! No scratch on it, no blood nothing.. a brand new mouse just there.. frozen.. amaazing.

Well I better do some work now I guess.. I need to get the internet at home because it sucks major arse that I can't get facebook here.. Catch you on the flip side xx