There was snow and the like!

Bon-jer!! How be? I'm shaggingly fantastic thanks for asking. Since the last update I have been slaughtered twice, there was carnage chaos caused by unexpected snow, a relatively dull and uneventful train journey for which we will just skim past for fear of people slipping into comas, a Christmas day and so much food eating I am awfully afraid that when I get home and get the scales they will at first laugh and then begin to choke and gasp for relief of my 18 stone dead weight feet.

So we had the Christmas Capstone Party.. for which I would like to SINCERELY apologise to those who I lap danced, held the face of whilst I told them how amazing they were and attempted to high five which only ended with either me sitting on them or slapping in said face.. much sorry. It was brilliant fun though! I very much enjoyed being watched by Ken Burke as myself, Carpy and Vicky made repeated.. and very loud.. toasts to the "lack of foreskin" and "toasting for the sake of toasting". I dirty danced (otherwise known as getting on my knees in the middle of the floor shouting WOOO), made the dance floor go from 50 people to 10 when U2 came on and I flung my arms around like I was signalling "ice berg" from the top of the Titanic.. was propositioned by a very hansome young man, and was then dragged almost kicking and screaming to a taxi because I was talking to the Stepstone girl who was working on a visit to Dublin for me!!

My party outfit I was so pleased about because I genuinely thought it wasn't going to fit. The spray tan incident though.. my Allah you probably had to be there but I walked in, all giddy and confident and said to the bloke of foreign persuasion on the desk "mate, I have a cold and I know we aren't supposed to rub any part that has been tanned, so what do I do about blowing my nose?" ... he looked at me, smiled and rather curiously said "I'm ok I don't need my nose blowing but perhaps later I will let you know.".... Well I pretty much just stared at him... turn around and not very tactfully burst out laughing and pushed Vicky towards the desk so she could pay for her turn. I tell you those machines are quite scary!! You go into a room and the bloke tells you because the stuff drips you need to put moistureiser on your feet... so I proper lubed my toesys up and took a step towards the machine on a tiled floor and pretty much just floated on moistueriser to the other side of the room!! Not the comical cartoon slipping at speed type... but the very gradual, picking up pace slide to the other side of the room, arms outstretched and head turning in bemusement and concern whilst the eyes looked confused and hopeful that I will a) stop and b) find something to riqochette off to head back to the machine.

I was disappointed when I left the machine and got home. All I was was sticky, wet and a funny smell.. not really what I had paid for. However, the following morning the first sight that greeted me was my very very brown face... followed closely by a very very white forhead... that's right.. a forehead halo. I have never wanted to crawl up my own as much as I did that morning. I praised GOD that I had a fringe to cover it because moran is an understatement.

Then there was Sunday; the pretend Christmas. My that was a joyeous, busy and eventful day and night. There was secret santa, brussel sprouts that not one person wanted, waff-fur fin miints, a snow ball fight at the bottom of the garden field that ended promptly when I saw animal tracks headed to a whole in the snow... Vicky threw up which was delightful and the Wii was set up YAY!!!!

Then there was the deadly snow!! People were stranded, Bambi fell over carrying my suitcase which was so fantastically wonderfully funny because it wasn't a "thud - I have falled", but it was a very ungraceful slippage of feet in every direction whilst he tried to control himself and not let the suitcase fall. He ripped his trousers crotch bit with the effort he put into not falling down. I will mention a bit of the train here because, if he reads it, I want him to know I'm very sorry... I got on the Virgin train and a little blokey.. who may have been on day release from the special farm.. came up and asked if I fancied a cup of tea. Because I wasn't sure who he was I kind of just looked at him and said "err.. no?", he smiled and then wandered back up the train. Me thinking he was just a weirdo trying to get me to take his drug laced tea, I asked the train conductor which carriage the buffet cart was in.. and to my HORROR I was told he was packing up and had to go RIGHT NOW to see if he was still there.. so with my eyes dead ahead and practically running... for the need for a brew was strong.. I almost ran through the little cart of snacks and quite loudly demanded "CUP OF TEA AND A KITKAT".. with "NOW PLEASE" almost as an after thought... and then there he was.. the little dude, grinning I think with fear. I felt so bad that this polite little man.. a few sandwiches short of a picnic.. had so kindly offered me a cup of tea before he shut up shop and I had pretty much mocked him and shooed him away like a dirty pigeon. So if you are reading this... man who I have now openly mocked and abused.. ever so sorry!!

CHRISTMAS!!!! then happened. I got loads of epic things!! Seasons 4-11 of South Park.. rock that shit on.. and 2 games for the Wii. I also got a joke but real telescope woop! for spying, a 5 year diary because I LOOOOOOOVE to plan and my first family airloom :-) Which I first I appeared to be very ungreatful for which I swear I wasn't and am not I was just very very sleepy!! I didn't go to sleep till 3am and then Kevin and David... like the 5 year olds they are.. woke me at the break of dawn to open presents. It is a glass bauble with a robin inside that's inscribed with "merry christmas always, mum x" ... I will cry at Christmas when she's gone... ooo sobering words there... back to frivolity!!!!

I have eaten so much crap it's really not good.. and I've had so much pop and no water that I'm begining to fizz I'm sure of it. I'm certain the next time I go to the toilet the sound won't be water falling but more the theme tune to the coca cola adverts.. how disturbing would that be?!?! "ahhhhhh much better *distant but very real* -"alwaysss cocccaa coolllaaaa...." .... horror.

I also won £230 on bingo!!! But today I have lost £80 of that trying to win more so.. erm.. woopsie!!! Least it's £150 going off the credit card which is much better than a poke in the eye. I am now away to my bed. I left mum downstairs watching Cranford or something equally as Victoriannly gay.. I swear that programme is only about bonetts, girls who talk in riddles running in a field, falling and men arriving on horses!!

Choo choo tomorrow so I better get an early night... or lie down with the 'lecy blanky on watching porn inbetween more bouts of bingo :-D potato potarto hehe. Night kids xx