Well. I can't cope. Be prepared for a very depressing and potentially harrowing blog entry because I simply can't cope anymore. I lie there in bed, or on the sofa in the day, or in the loos at work and break down. I'm so tired. SO fucking tired I can't get up. I hate waking up, I hate breathing in.. I am forcing myself to do things that I really don't want to do to make myself look like I have a purpose and it isn't to kid myself; it's to kid everyone else.
People look at me and say "that's Bear, she's a laugh, she has a plan, she's got guys chasing her".. but I look at myself and I see ugly waste of space that actually the people she wants to have care about her, actually don't. I am so sorry at how selfish that is because I know so many of you do and I've practically just brushed you to one side and said "yeah ta but I don't want your attention or love, I want theirs... them that treat me like shit for no reason".
In absolute true honesty, the only reason I am alive is because I can't bare the thought of what it would do to my mum, which would then in turn do to my brothers.
I just don't want to feel this tired anymore. I don't want to wake up and put on the facade because that is just more tiring. I'm thinking the most horrible things, selfish things so that I can get what I want... I hate it. And I'm sorry.
