Awesome song, awesome film! But that is not what this quick Blog is about..
I just really wanted to say thank you to my friends and family. I love you all so much.
Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. I could never do enough to pay you back for making me feel it is worth it. Thank you.. and I love you xxxx
Sunday 30 January 2011
Saturday 29 January 2011
Why must we all have a master plan...?
And when I say "we" I mean just girls. Boys never want to plan anything or make commitments further then "I'll come over yours Friday maybe" on a Thursday night. The plans I want to make are ALWAYS life changing ones. I'm never, ever satisfied to know I am going to work tomorrow and that this will be the same for the rest of my life.
I think maybe it's because I haven't really experienced the big mile stones as such. I haven't got married, bought a house, had a baby. I've been engaged, I've rented a house and I've miscarried... the first 3 are all really positive and the last 3 all ended up pointless and useless.. so I guess I'm not satisfied by those events when they happen, which is why I feel no sense of security in the place I rent now, no feelings of joy that I have a couple of boys all chasing after me.. I'm trying my best to get to some place that I am not even sure I want to be.
I have chosen midwifery as my career because in some warped delusional thinking I have decided that is an easy option for me. I can't be a Doctor because I don't think I am clever enough. I can't be a nurse because I don't want to have to wipe up shit every day and whilst I appreciate that is a part of a midwifes job, at least being a midwife I know I am going to be part of something amazing at the end of it but with a nurses job.. I guess I don't know enough to know different but I see no way a nurse can be truly satisfied with being yelled at by mentally disturbed patients, ungrateful arses and taking orders from incompetent doctors.
I was going to be a teacher but then realised I really don't have the patience for an abusive teenager. But is it TRULY want I want??? What the hell DO I want??? It appears most of my friends are all settled and happy knowing they are going to be in office roles for the rest of their lives and that TRULY scares me. How, at the age of 20-25 are these people HAPPY and decided that being in the same office day in, day out is the career choice for them??? Honestly it baffles me.
Anyway.. I have been looking at houses again and trying to think about what I want. Do I want an investment property or do I want somewhere I can finally, truly and really call my own? To do up and decorate as I wish??? I think it is the latter. That house in Derbyshire is gorgeous butI don't want to live in Derbyshire. I have two more universities that haven't rejected me yet and that is City and Glasgow Cal. I have an interview with City on the 25th and still have no clue what I am going to say in it!! And Glasgow Cal haven't got back to me but have you SEEN how cheap the houses are there????
http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-32305985.html Look at this. LOOK AT IT!! A 2 bed flat for £22k???? I can buy that with a friggin loan!! I wouldn't even need a mortgage!! And I could get a room mate in to pay £350 inclusive of all bills and I am pretty sure that would cover the loan payment. So.. purely for prices of housing I have all my hopes pinned on Glasgow. Well not purely the reason. I do have other reasons but that is another story eh :)
I just want another fresh start. Wipe the slate clean. Be someone new! Change my hair style, change the way I dress.. maybe even change my name!! I want to be so many things and I am petrified there isn't enough time. I'm 25 and have 80 years of experiences to have.. I want to be a beach bum! I want to travel every beach in the world. I want to see every animal on the Earth. I want to go into space! I want to be a mum. I want to write a novel. I want to own a streets worth of houses. I want to raise livestock and sell its produce in a shop next to a tea room I run. I want to run a B&B! I want to be a wife. I want to be enough for someone.. not second best/usable when needed.
I am fit to burst. I want to go and stand on the Rye in the pouring rain in the middle of the night and shout at the trees! I want to thank them for giving me oxygen and for not shouting back!! Then I want to close my eyes, lie down in the grass and feel the rain on my face and listen to the rustle of the leaves.. and just not have to think for a minute. That would be lovely.
I think maybe it's because I haven't really experienced the big mile stones as such. I haven't got married, bought a house, had a baby. I've been engaged, I've rented a house and I've miscarried... the first 3 are all really positive and the last 3 all ended up pointless and useless.. so I guess I'm not satisfied by those events when they happen, which is why I feel no sense of security in the place I rent now, no feelings of joy that I have a couple of boys all chasing after me.. I'm trying my best to get to some place that I am not even sure I want to be.
I have chosen midwifery as my career because in some warped delusional thinking I have decided that is an easy option for me. I can't be a Doctor because I don't think I am clever enough. I can't be a nurse because I don't want to have to wipe up shit every day and whilst I appreciate that is a part of a midwifes job, at least being a midwife I know I am going to be part of something amazing at the end of it but with a nurses job.. I guess I don't know enough to know different but I see no way a nurse can be truly satisfied with being yelled at by mentally disturbed patients, ungrateful arses and taking orders from incompetent doctors.
I was going to be a teacher but then realised I really don't have the patience for an abusive teenager. But is it TRULY want I want??? What the hell DO I want??? It appears most of my friends are all settled and happy knowing they are going to be in office roles for the rest of their lives and that TRULY scares me. How, at the age of 20-25 are these people HAPPY and decided that being in the same office day in, day out is the career choice for them??? Honestly it baffles me.
Anyway.. I have been looking at houses again and trying to think about what I want. Do I want an investment property or do I want somewhere I can finally, truly and really call my own? To do up and decorate as I wish??? I think it is the latter. That house in Derbyshire is gorgeous butI don't want to live in Derbyshire. I have two more universities that haven't rejected me yet and that is City and Glasgow Cal. I have an interview with City on the 25th and still have no clue what I am going to say in it!! And Glasgow Cal haven't got back to me but have you SEEN how cheap the houses are there????
http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-32305985.html Look at this. LOOK AT IT!! A 2 bed flat for £22k???? I can buy that with a friggin loan!! I wouldn't even need a mortgage!! And I could get a room mate in to pay £350 inclusive of all bills and I am pretty sure that would cover the loan payment. So.. purely for prices of housing I have all my hopes pinned on Glasgow. Well not purely the reason. I do have other reasons but that is another story eh :)
I just want another fresh start. Wipe the slate clean. Be someone new! Change my hair style, change the way I dress.. maybe even change my name!! I want to be so many things and I am petrified there isn't enough time. I'm 25 and have 80 years of experiences to have.. I want to be a beach bum! I want to travel every beach in the world. I want to see every animal on the Earth. I want to go into space! I want to be a mum. I want to write a novel. I want to own a streets worth of houses. I want to raise livestock and sell its produce in a shop next to a tea room I run. I want to run a B&B! I want to be a wife. I want to be enough for someone.. not second best/usable when needed.
I am fit to burst. I want to go and stand on the Rye in the pouring rain in the middle of the night and shout at the trees! I want to thank them for giving me oxygen and for not shouting back!! Then I want to close my eyes, lie down in the grass and feel the rain on my face and listen to the rustle of the leaves.. and just not have to think for a minute. That would be lovely.
Saturday 22 January 2011
I was microwaved today!!
Eh up duck!! How do?? I'm alright thank you. Still tired but feeling healthy for a change lol. Did I tell you I had swine flu? That was hideous bad times. I hate having flu but at least I am better now.
I got my bonus and pay rise from work which, whilst it wasn't as good as last years, it is better than nothing and is going into the savings fund. Currently there is £340 in there but I am owed over £200 and with the overtime I am ploughing through, I am hoping to save about a grand a month. Not too shabby and I still get my Sunday's off!!
One thing I have started doing though is tanning in prep for my holiday in Spain on 3rd Feb! Today though.. blow me!! I was standing in the tanning booth for 9 minutes and nearly died. It was SO hot!!!! The friggin' fan didn't start going until like 8 minutes in so I was sweating like an actual beast. I seriously was expecting at 9 minutes to hear a *ding* and someone who with a fork would come in and poke me, looking behind them yelling "the spuds done!". I am however, looking very brown which I am enjoying.
As of Feb with the bonus pay I am joining the gym-a-roo! It is the Bucks uni one so it isn't up mount Everest (which mascarades as "Marlow Hill".) All the classes are included and everything so it should be pretty gooood. With the overtime though I'm worried I won't be able to attend any.. maybe on a Saturday when I finish at 5pm. I also want to join the cricket team for Wycombe if they will let me. That would be so cool! I need a hobby.
Another thing I need is some bloody voluntary work on a maternity ward... I dunno I just need something other than SQD. I don't want to there forever. I have been rejected from 3 unis so far but have an interview with City uni on 25th Feb.. wonder how that will go. I have a feeling badly lol.
Oh what to do! I best be off.. not a very exciting blog today because I am distracted watching Twister on ITV2! Cheerio xx
I got my bonus and pay rise from work which, whilst it wasn't as good as last years, it is better than nothing and is going into the savings fund. Currently there is £340 in there but I am owed over £200 and with the overtime I am ploughing through, I am hoping to save about a grand a month. Not too shabby and I still get my Sunday's off!!
One thing I have started doing though is tanning in prep for my holiday in Spain on 3rd Feb! Today though.. blow me!! I was standing in the tanning booth for 9 minutes and nearly died. It was SO hot!!!! The friggin' fan didn't start going until like 8 minutes in so I was sweating like an actual beast. I seriously was expecting at 9 minutes to hear a *ding* and someone who with a fork would come in and poke me, looking behind them yelling "the spuds done!". I am however, looking very brown which I am enjoying.
As of Feb with the bonus pay I am joining the gym-a-roo! It is the Bucks uni one so it isn't up mount Everest (which mascarades as "Marlow Hill".) All the classes are included and everything so it should be pretty gooood. With the overtime though I'm worried I won't be able to attend any.. maybe on a Saturday when I finish at 5pm. I also want to join the cricket team for Wycombe if they will let me. That would be so cool! I need a hobby.
Another thing I need is some bloody voluntary work on a maternity ward... I dunno I just need something other than SQD. I don't want to there forever. I have been rejected from 3 unis so far but have an interview with City uni on 25th Feb.. wonder how that will go. I have a feeling badly lol.
Oh what to do! I best be off.. not a very exciting blog today because I am distracted watching Twister on ITV2! Cheerio xx
Sunday 9 January 2011
Stalking turns to reflection
Today I decided, whilst bored, to have a look over some of my facebook friends friends.. see what my friends are friends with! I have a couple of young friends on my page that I know mainly through my brother and I was having a look at some of the pictures they had taken and realised I really, really missed out on my childhood.
I did nothing but work and worry when I was growing up. I was constantly bullied at school, I had people to look after when I wasn't at school, and from my 16th birthday I was working at the same time as getting my A Levels. I was constantly skint because most of what I earnt I will be honest (and this includes pocket money) I sneaked it into my mum and step dads purses and wallets because I knew how badly they needed the money. I didn't need it for sweets and shit.. it was more important that they had some money to go the shops for tea you know?!
I was talking to Emily my new housemate the other day about childhood and things and I recapped on one of the most devasting moments I can remember. I had saved up £80 of pocket money and other money from doing the ironing evey week (used to get a tenner for doing it), and one day we went to go and live in this one bedroomed flat that was my cousins. The two boys were in the living room and me and mum would sleep in the same bed in the main bedroom. I had left my £80.00 savings on the side of the bed for food shopping because I knew mum was really really tight for money. I came back from school to get it.. and there was only £20.00 left in the jar. Some PRICK (who will remain nameless for peace sake), had stolen £60.00 out of my jar. I had enough to buy the lads chippy chips for tea and other little bits like bread, milk and stuff for school dinners. That day I just stood in the door way staring at the jar before I walked into the room, closed the door behind me and just crumpled to the floor in tears. Think I was 13 then.. and I think it was the sense of hopelessness that really got me. And the betrayal of someone you thought was family. Should of known even at that stage not to trust a fucking junkie.
But anyway.. the reason I am having this mini mental breakdown is because I was looking at these pictures of kids wearing teeny tiny shorts, lovely tops and jewlerry, holding a beer outside their tents with 80 other kids doing the same.. all smiling with perfect white teeth and size zero bodies!! Or in the park with their mates, or doing random things that I wish I could of done.. and just feel really gutted that I never had the chance to do it and now I'm too old.
As I just said to Vicky the things I want to do now.. no one else our age wants to do. Like I want to take a week off work to go and camp in Cornwall and take surfing lessons.. and go to festivals and getting fucked off my face in the park! or jump on a plane on Friday after work to Russia, have a night out in Russia, sleep with a Russian bloke! then go see the sights of Russia and sleep on the plane back... no one else wants to do these things!!
I want to go and drink cocktails in London. I want to see every city and experience everything. I just don't want to be 40 years old with no career, childless and homeless for the sake of doing these things now... So I'm in limbo. And wish I had done it sooner.
I did nothing but work and worry when I was growing up. I was constantly bullied at school, I had people to look after when I wasn't at school, and from my 16th birthday I was working at the same time as getting my A Levels. I was constantly skint because most of what I earnt I will be honest (and this includes pocket money) I sneaked it into my mum and step dads purses and wallets because I knew how badly they needed the money. I didn't need it for sweets and shit.. it was more important that they had some money to go the shops for tea you know?!
I was talking to Emily my new housemate the other day about childhood and things and I recapped on one of the most devasting moments I can remember. I had saved up £80 of pocket money and other money from doing the ironing evey week (used to get a tenner for doing it), and one day we went to go and live in this one bedroomed flat that was my cousins. The two boys were in the living room and me and mum would sleep in the same bed in the main bedroom. I had left my £80.00 savings on the side of the bed for food shopping because I knew mum was really really tight for money. I came back from school to get it.. and there was only £20.00 left in the jar. Some PRICK (who will remain nameless for peace sake), had stolen £60.00 out of my jar. I had enough to buy the lads chippy chips for tea and other little bits like bread, milk and stuff for school dinners. That day I just stood in the door way staring at the jar before I walked into the room, closed the door behind me and just crumpled to the floor in tears. Think I was 13 then.. and I think it was the sense of hopelessness that really got me. And the betrayal of someone you thought was family. Should of known even at that stage not to trust a fucking junkie.
But anyway.. the reason I am having this mini mental breakdown is because I was looking at these pictures of kids wearing teeny tiny shorts, lovely tops and jewlerry, holding a beer outside their tents with 80 other kids doing the same.. all smiling with perfect white teeth and size zero bodies!! Or in the park with their mates, or doing random things that I wish I could of done.. and just feel really gutted that I never had the chance to do it and now I'm too old.
As I just said to Vicky the things I want to do now.. no one else our age wants to do. Like I want to take a week off work to go and camp in Cornwall and take surfing lessons.. and go to festivals and getting fucked off my face in the park! or jump on a plane on Friday after work to Russia, have a night out in Russia, sleep with a Russian bloke! then go see the sights of Russia and sleep on the plane back... no one else wants to do these things!!
I want to go and drink cocktails in London. I want to see every city and experience everything. I just don't want to be 40 years old with no career, childless and homeless for the sake of doing these things now... So I'm in limbo. And wish I had done it sooner.
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