Stalking turns to reflection

Today I decided, whilst bored, to have a look over some of my facebook friends friends.. see what my friends are friends with! I have a couple of young friends on my page that I know mainly through my brother and I was having a look at some of the pictures they had taken and realised I really, really missed out on my childhood.

I did nothing but work and worry when I was growing up. I was constantly bullied at school, I had people to look after when I wasn't at school, and from my 16th birthday I was working at the same time as getting my A Levels. I was constantly skint because most of what I earnt I will be honest (and this includes pocket money) I sneaked it into my mum and step dads purses and wallets because I knew how badly they needed the money. I didn't need it for sweets and shit.. it was more important that they had some money to go the shops for tea you know?!

I was talking to Emily my new housemate the other day about childhood and things and I recapped on one of the most devasting moments I can remember. I had saved up £80 of pocket money and other money from doing the ironing evey week (used to get a tenner for doing it), and one day we went to go and live in this one bedroomed flat that was my cousins. The two boys were in the living room and me and mum would sleep in the same bed in the main bedroom. I had left my £80.00 savings on the side of the bed for food shopping because I knew mum was really really tight for money. I came back from school to get it.. and there was only £20.00 left in the jar. Some PRICK (who will remain nameless for peace sake), had stolen £60.00 out of my jar. I had enough to buy the lads chippy chips for tea and other little bits like bread, milk and stuff for school dinners. That day I just stood in the door way staring at the jar before I walked into the room, closed the door behind me and just crumpled to the floor in tears. Think I was 13 then.. and I think it was the sense of hopelessness that really got me. And the betrayal of someone you thought was family. Should of known even at that stage not to trust a fucking junkie.

But anyway.. the reason I am having this mini mental breakdown is because I was looking at these pictures of kids wearing teeny tiny shorts, lovely tops and jewlerry, holding a beer outside their tents with 80 other kids doing the same.. all smiling with perfect white teeth and size zero bodies!! Or in the park with their mates, or doing random things that I wish I could of done.. and just feel really gutted that I never had the chance to do it and now I'm too old.

As I just said to Vicky the things I want to do now.. no one else our age wants to do. Like I want to take a week off work to go and camp in Cornwall and take surfing lessons.. and go to festivals and getting fucked off my face in the park! or jump on a plane on Friday after work to Russia, have a night out in Russia, sleep with a Russian bloke! then go see the sights of Russia and sleep on the plane back... no one else wants to do these things!!

I want to go and drink cocktails in London. I want to see every city and experience everything. I just don't want to be 40 years old with no career, childless and homeless for the sake of doing these things now... So I'm in limbo. And wish I had done it sooner.