And when I say "we" I mean just girls. Boys never want to plan anything or make commitments further then "I'll come over yours Friday maybe" on a Thursday night. The plans I want to make are ALWAYS life changing ones. I'm never, ever satisfied to know I am going to work tomorrow and that this will be the same for the rest of my life.
I think maybe it's because I haven't really experienced the big mile stones as such. I haven't got married, bought a house, had a baby. I've been engaged, I've rented a house and I've miscarried... the first 3 are all really positive and the last 3 all ended up pointless and useless.. so I guess I'm not satisfied by those events when they happen, which is why I feel no sense of security in the place I rent now, no feelings of joy that I have a couple of boys all chasing after me.. I'm trying my best to get to some place that I am not even sure I want to be.
I have chosen midwifery as my career because in some warped delusional thinking I have decided that is an easy option for me. I can't be a Doctor because I don't think I am clever enough. I can't be a nurse because I don't want to have to wipe up shit every day and whilst I appreciate that is a part of a midwifes job, at least being a midwife I know I am going to be part of something amazing at the end of it but with a nurses job.. I guess I don't know enough to know different but I see no way a nurse can be truly satisfied with being yelled at by mentally disturbed patients, ungrateful arses and taking orders from incompetent doctors.
I was going to be a teacher but then realised I really don't have the patience for an abusive teenager. But is it TRULY want I want??? What the hell DO I want??? It appears most of my friends are all settled and happy knowing they are going to be in office roles for the rest of their lives and that TRULY scares me. How, at the age of 20-25 are these people HAPPY and decided that being in the same office day in, day out is the career choice for them??? Honestly it baffles me.
Anyway.. I have been looking at houses again and trying to think about what I want. Do I want an investment property or do I want somewhere I can finally, truly and really call my own? To do up and decorate as I wish??? I think it is the latter. That house in Derbyshire is gorgeous butI don't want to live in Derbyshire. I have two more universities that haven't rejected me yet and that is City and Glasgow Cal. I have an interview with City on the 25th and still have no clue what I am going to say in it!! And Glasgow Cal haven't got back to me but have you SEEN how cheap the houses are there????
http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-32305985.html Look at this. LOOK AT IT!! A 2 bed flat for £22k???? I can buy that with a friggin loan!! I wouldn't even need a mortgage!! And I could get a room mate in to pay £350 inclusive of all bills and I am pretty sure that would cover the loan payment. So.. purely for prices of housing I have all my hopes pinned on Glasgow. Well not purely the reason. I do have other reasons but that is another story eh :)
I just want another fresh start. Wipe the slate clean. Be someone new! Change my hair style, change the way I dress.. maybe even change my name!! I want to be so many things and I am petrified there isn't enough time. I'm 25 and have 80 years of experiences to have.. I want to be a beach bum! I want to travel every beach in the world. I want to see every animal on the Earth. I want to go into space! I want to be a mum. I want to write a novel. I want to own a streets worth of houses. I want to raise livestock and sell its produce in a shop next to a tea room I run. I want to run a B&B! I want to be a wife. I want to be enough for someone.. not second best/usable when needed.
I am fit to burst. I want to go and stand on the Rye in the pouring rain in the middle of the night and shout at the trees! I want to thank them for giving me oxygen and for not shouting back!! Then I want to close my eyes, lie down in the grass and feel the rain on my face and listen to the rustle of the leaves.. and just not have to think for a minute. That would be lovely.
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