Oooooh Green tea is my life. I love it. I love it's simplicity and then I adore it subtle yet bold twists.. I love the way the tea bag dances around my Splenda, difusing it's leaf amoung the silky warmth that is the kettles recently boiled water.. oooooooooh Green tea.
So hello and welcome to the latest addition of bloggage! MAAANNY things have occurred and I meant to update this a week ago but I was in a rather shitty spiral of depression which thanks to Gem and Vicky, I have escaped from. You see the bloke I adore and would do anything for shat on me from a large distance.. well what I THOUGHT was a large distance if he had in fact been in Scotland but he wasn't.. he was 10minutes up the road praying I would never find out about ANOTHER of his lies... o well! On wards and upwards as they say.. that's right I'm moving up North again!! When, why, who with and what for?.. soon my pretties you shall now all. Soon..
Anywho the furthest back thing I can remember was the dongle. The bloody fucking twatting dongle. And Doug. Bloody fucking twatting Doug. I mention them together because I both loathe and love them. Basically.. there was an incident. Doug has his cage next to the bed because there is no where else for him to live but his cage was SO loud I heard every step on the sawdust, every crunch of a dried banana slice and every FUCKING nibble of the bars.. and he would bite the bars for... lets see.. if he starts at 9pm and finishes at 7am that would be FOREVER HOURS AND A DAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I had NO sleep for the past millions decades and was seriously at the point where it was kill Doug or kill myself. So what happened to the dongle was I put my laptop next to the cage after I finished using it to go to sleep.. Doug was chewing the bars and I figured it's now or never.. I have to give this arse a fright to stop him chewing.. So I reached over and slammed my hand against the bars, sending him hurting across his cage. Feeling retched with guilt I attempted to drag myself up out of bed to see if he was ok, accidentally leaning on the laptop instead and the fucker went to the floor. As the dongle was still attached, when it landed side first, the dongle snapped in half.
Since then I have bought Doug a beautiful now barred cage (he's fine btw, neither dead nor scarred for life) and managed to blag myself a new dongle by lying through my teeth and screaming down the phone at the poor call centre rep "you send my shoddy materials to use and expect ME to replace it?! Put me onto your manager immediately!!!" .. that put the willies up so I am now the owner of a new dongle.. however it is still broken.. disconnecting every 5 minutes so whilst this is only taking you maybe a maximum 10 mins to read.. it's taken me 47 hours to write so.. ENJOY GEMMA LLOYD ENJOY!!!
Ooooh haha not last Friday but the Friday before I went out with the complaints team for a quick meal at the noodle bar and also to have drinks for Andrew's leaving doo.. twas a sad time :-( but also mentally hilarious! I was dared by Andrew to drink of the jalapino sauce bottle.. which I did. It was lumpy. So I dared Andrew to down a shot of vodka with me.. with the jalapino sauce in it.. I can confirm that was also lumpy. veeeery lumpy. Then onto the meal and I was quite frankly fucked out of my face. Me and Caroline were stood at the bar/reception waiting to be seated and we were just filling each others bags with fortune cookies!! I had 27 altogether in my bag and I reckon Caroline had at least 40.. the wrappers were so shiny and it was such fun! Nicky was also fucked out of her face and switched the entire restaurants lighting off which provided ample opportunity to scoop around 20 cookies into the bag before it was turned back on. Gem was blamed and her face was one of petrified terror as 100ish diners span round and stared in anger.. most with food in the hair and shit from the shock of being suddenly plunged into darkness.
The week to be honest has been pretty norm. Done some audits, done some training. This weekend though has been quite brilliant!! Friday I got out of work early which was fan-dabby-bloody-dozy! It gave me time to run home before going out to shave off what was truely begining to be werewolf legs.. seriously platting could have been done. I like sharing :-) And I got to wear my boots out YAY!!! I didn't get drunk which is a first but then again I did only spend £12 and only bought myself out of that two drinks.. South is expensive :-/ What I did get though was MASSIVE GOSSIP from someone.. and no I can't tell you what the gossip is but O MY EGA I nearly fell to the floor when I heard!!! GOLLY GAS MASKS doesn't come close!
Gem was poorly on the night out :-( there was spew. The weirdest bit though was I went to the bar to get her some water and for some completely unknown reason, I put on THE poshest English accent in the whole world to ask for it! Seriously, in your mind think about me saying this like the Queen:
"hello! I don't suppose it would be much bother if I could please have a pint of tap water? My friend is feeling a little sick in the bathroom just upstairs, would you mind?"
So odd! THEN IT WAS SATURDAY!!!!! Saturday came with it an early start, sweat - like lots of it, a BBQ and a FOOK off bonfire. And a rat. Basically what occurred was I had a ten ton of SHIT (and I mean actual rubbish and human excrement) out the back door and it was pissing me off. The housemates had just pilled and pilled it up and broke the waste pipe so I thought that's it, I'm sick of living like this and I don't want rats. So off I went and cleaned the whole bloody thing. I got the last piece of wood which was a stack of laminate flooring and there it was... sandy coloured, huge and moving... no not Susan Boyle a rat. A biiiig dirty flea ridden beast of hell. Paralysed with fear I just stared at the wood I threw in its face. I let out a customary "ahh".. but not a scream just a normal voiced ahh.. then backed away veeeery slowly till I hit the end of the patio.. then ran to the bottom of the garden, phone to ear trying to get through to Vicky. "Get me Jason I need Jason!!!!" I screamed.. they did not come so the landlord did instead.
Shit and he fell over as well on the wet grass!! Horrifyingly hillarious! There is nothing like seeing a middle aged bulky bloke go sliding on his face down a sloped garden honestly.
The bonfire was awesome though!! It was huuuuge!! There was an aerosal in there though which caused a bit of a fuck off explosion.. funny though!! I heard like a mental clink, span around and said "I heard metal we should back off" because we were stoof next to the fire trying to get the mattress to go up, when all of a sudden there was this HUGE bang and sparks went everywhere!!!! It was AWESOME!!!!!!!! However....
We lit the bonfire around 5.30 and by 6.30 we heard me-mars.. some twat had called the firebrigade!! I paniced bad style because Scott had told me I needed permission from the council to have one.. so me and Vicky walked up the drive to great the fire chief and I rather sheepishly put my hands in my pocket, hung my head, kicked a loose stone and said "Hello.. we're having a bonfire".. the bloke was so sweet though! He went "good for you! mind if I have a look?!".. he had to put it out because.. quite correctly, we had built it next to a fence and the grass around it was on fire... but he let us try on his hat for photos and said we can have a smaller one next week YAY!
And then so here we are now.. Sunday. I have done nothing but lie down so I can't really feel my arse. I have got my perscriptions from Boots for my eyes and haggelled with ultralase to give me a years deferred payments and 18 months interest free credit!!! Laser eyes here I come *pachoo pachooo* (sound of me shooting lasers from my eyes). And drank green tea! I'm not off to read Nostradamus: The Complete Prophecies for The Future... goooood times!
Have a fabulous week.. I will update sooner this time so I don't miss things and I can embellish more.. didnt want to make this too long. Laters Like!!
