Gym. Fat. Alcohol.

Eurgh. So I've been going to the gym loads except for the last 2 weeks since Xmas. And I thought I had lost at least some weight due to better fitting clothes.

The answer today from my free personal trainer though was a great big rather self confidence deflating no. No Rowlands you are still 100% a fat fudge. And I blame the calories in cider whole heartedly. I need them out of my house and out of my life. But when there are parties to host this simply isn't an option.

My free training session went ok though. I was terribly afraid it wasn't going to. You know when you have those irrational fears that this trainer guy is going to unutterably gorgeous and he's going to make you do a sit up on a full stomach of last nights pizza gas and will explode in his face on the way up from a crunch, rocketing him into the treadmill behind him? Or he will make you do squats and your pants will split with an ear deafening rip, amplifying just how fat your arse is and really bedding in the hugely unlikeliness that Mr Fit will NOT be sleeping with you any time soon.

Well that didn't happen at all!! And if anything I think he was gay and well too old to have a pony tail. He did show me how to roll on a foam roller and he said if it hurts your muscles then it means you have some serious nots in them. Well I almost cried with every roll. My back popped at least 8 times, my hips nearly came out of their sockets and my calf muscles almost ripped themselves out of my skin to escape the torture. I should also apparently get a physio for my curved back and learn to relax my shoulders and use my hips more for lifting. He made me stand in a mirror and look at my appalling back all hunched over. I now have some serious self conscious paranoid issues about it and have walked to the laundrette with my tits out and my arse still at home to make my spine curve more appropriately. I was loading the machine but couldn't see where the clothes were going because my chest was in the way, and I was blocking the door with my sticky out arse so other laundrette patrons couldn't get in. I am now sat typing this with back ache. Joy.

But. I am going to spin class tomorrow for the first time. I have never been to a class before so I'm slightly daunted by it. After that it's a mad swim session now I have goggles. I kept forgetting them and because it's a sea bath, the salt was getting into my eyes so much I looked like I'd been smoking weed for the last 12 years. When it's only been 10.

Yesterday was a good laugh like. I had a lovely late breakfast with Courtney and have discovered the most lovely bakery that serves lovely latte. Lovely lovely lovely. I then went shopping for my Mexican party on Friday and, as my Wycombe pals know, I as usual went over board on the decos. I spent $115 purely on this to decorate the flat with. I haven't even done a food shop. I'm going to suggest people maybe bring something Mexican food like so I can feed them all. Core blimey going back a day, the Origin crew have discovered nacho pizza!!!!

It's literally as it sounds. It's Doritos on a pizza with jalapeños, guacamole, salsa and sour cream. Andrew had little faith in its appeal but I knew it would be a winner and my word was I correct. I NEED to make that for the party for sure. Pure genius.

But yes after the shopping I come home to find 5 dubliners on my front room drinking goon. I joined them from 3pm until 9.30pm drinking those dirty calorie filled ciders whilst we played pictionary on the chalk board, before retreating to my room to call people, thus avoiding the carnage that was apparently getting home at 5am and being sick. The kitchen full on REEKs of sick it's not funny.

Good crack though the dubliners. Peter in particular was hilarious and Lucy is just ace! I HAVE to get a pic of the pictionary attempt of taxidermist Andrew did because it's frigging brilliant!!!

Ooh I also went to my first T20 game in Australia. It's so different to ours at home. This one had a mascot, smoke machines, was played under a roof, had flashing lights like a disco... It was so American I felt that I should have been at an American football game. Great atmosphere though. And this week I am off to watch Andy Murray at the Australian open. God I love it here so much. I will miss it with all my heart. 4 years to be away is starting to sound much harder than I thought.

I'm off now to finish the final few pages of my Dan Brown book and put my clothery in the old tumble dryer there. So I will. PUDDIN'!!!!

Catch you next sunday.

I Am A Terrible Drunk

So. It happened again. I got completely and utterly full on off my face on Friday. And I have narrowed it down to exactly when and why that happened. I ordered champagne. Literally as soon as I was on my second glass (after the gin and vodka tonics) my memory disappears. I have sketchy memories of emptying my purse for Anjali, then the next thing I remember is snorting vodka at my house.

I have no recollection of getting home from the pub at all. I remember being forced to down my drink during a card game and remember through the help of photos and videos Emma passing out but other than that.. Nothing. And I have been informed of conversations I really shouldn't have had.

To those I may have fucked off.. So sorry. To those who loved watching me being paralytic, shame on you for letting me drink lol

In other news, I have a huge decision to make. Do I try and come back for a second year in Australia? You see, here are my options and I need you to tell me which you think is best...

Option One: I go farming for 3 months and earn hardly anything, live in the scary outback, and then be granted a second year.

Option Two: I stay at Aus Post until July then do a months quick tour of Aus before leaving for good. I then go back home, learn to be a midwife and then come back on a skilled migrant visa.

Option Three: fuck it all, come home and have babies. Lots of babies and do up houses for a living.

I need to make this decision within the next 4 weeks. So tricky. Help!!!

A Blog For Starkey...

Well then!! Hia :) my blog does not come to you from Bondi beach as was promised in the previous entry.. Because on new years day I was in hospital!! For a change.. It wasn't me that was sick lol. It was Kev.. Which isn't surprising because the bugger is always sick. Like always.

So Sydney. That was an experience. And I can honestly say from the heart now that being homeless is very tough going. It still doesn't make me want to give my change to homeless people though because I know for a fact the ones on Fitzroy street have somewhere to stay. They are just drug addicts who have pissed and shooted up their lives.

But yeah being homeless is hard when you technically don't have anywhere to sleep. Me and Kev literally slept wherever we could which included on the steps of the Sydney opera house before kindly being literally kicked by the police off it. And I mean literally kicked; they kicked Kev in the side to wake him up. We were in and out of different 24 hour restaurants and visited subway everyday so we could steal their plug sockets to charge our phones lol.

The fireworks.. Whilst pretty good were nothing in comparison to London's. I have a video which I will upload at some point but for now please enjoy the pics! We went to see the blue mountains which were gorgeous looking. I asked this woman from Plymouth to take a pic of me with the three sisters and the stupid dumb tart put her finger directly over them!! Christ alive that girl was dumb. She had a proper Plymo accent and sounded full on retarded. I wish I had an example of the truely thick things she said but i was so tired on the trip that I barely remembered where I actually was never mind what a country bumpkin knuckle dragger was saying!!

Oo I also went to a wildlife park and fed a load of kangaroos. There was this one kangaroo that was particular greedy so I shouted at him and said "no what about your mates?!".. At which point he stood up on his back legs and actually blocked out the sun. The kanga was MASSIVE!! Like a good 6'4!! I promptly provided him with the rest of the kangaroo food. I then kissed his nose because he was super squishy. I wishes to take him home and play with him all day.

I stroked a koala bear again too. I am full on desperate to hold one so I am going to HAVE to go to Queensland before they ban it there too. It's the only state left in Aus that hasn't banned it.

The hospital was amazing. There was a Russian sounding girl came in looking a little bit ill. She sits down behind us and switches on her laptop. Skype pops up and she's on the phone to someone within minutes. Now.. I missed some of the conversation because I was asleep (for the first time in 56 hours!!) but Kev told me what happened for the bits I missed.. So say all of this in a Russian accent!!...

"hello. I am at the hospital now. I have very bad diarrhoea. I took pills to stop it but they didn't work! So.. I crush the pills and snort them so they go to the brain quicker. That didn't work either so now I have a sore nose and very bad gas"

The whole room erupted in laughter. People actually had to leave because they couldn't stop laughing!! She then in an upset voice went "and now they are laughing at me. They don't understand my pain". Funniest thing ever. There were tears and urine. Even the guy who was throwing up black bile every other minute was laughing!

Going back to work was slightly wank but it was really nice to see Shaun and Mathew, Rodney and Mel again. I had missed them over that week!

In other news, Kev has moved out to go farming!! And I have spent two evenings cleaning the flat up to Sarah Bear clean standards in preparation for Mr Potato!!! That's right y'all.. Mr Greene is coming to live it up in Chez Rowlandez!! It's going to be simply rocking. And I have already packed the fridge with cider in readiness. Yay!!! I do kind of miss Kev but when the house looks this pretty and he's sending me home money, I actually don't miss him at all haha. Sorry Kev.

So.. Slight reflection on my year I think. What a fucking year. I survived hideous swine flu that nearly killed me, I almost jumped in front of a train but Timmy saved me, I was given an interview to start midwifery and gave it all up at the toss of a coin to go travelling, I visited and made friends in 9 different countries, I finally shagged an Irish man so can tick that off the bucket list! I have almost learnt to make pancakes and.. And this is a biggie.. Whilst I might not be the slimmest or the prettiest.. I Miss Rowlands have managed to get myself into a UK size 12 for the first time since 2003. Fuck. Aye.

I am so proud of myself for last years achievements. I worked so very very hard to get over to Australia and if u look at my last years resos, I have achieved one of my biggest dreams and that was to live in Melbourne. And I'm so happy :)

This years resos...
1. Must learn to knit
2. Sky dive. It's been on here too many times so its being done!
3. Go to the F1
4. Try an oyster... Sickening
5. Relearn French
6. Learn and get a motorbike. This one is important
7. Stab Mathew Daniel Kiervan.. Equally as important
8. Be home for Christmas
9. Learn to fish.

Thank you for reading my blog guys. And thank you for being amazing people in 2011. Xxx