There Was An Incident With A Sneeze

Oh troops - I have been SO busy with work but my goodness I love it so much. But that's a blog for another day.. today's brief update after a period of absence is focused on one particular event that I have been meaning to tell you about for over two months. Let me set the scene and give you some background.....

At the gym I go to, there is a lovely long pool that does classes etc. So one particular Monday I decided I would go to Aquacise and have a wee swim before hand and after as my version of a warm up and cool down. My swimming costume is one that has shorts and is an all in one thing - very professional swimmer looking I must say. I had my swim and my class and felt fantastic! So I went to get changed to go to work.

Upstairs from the pool is a members only spa that has the likes of a sauna, steam room, aromatherapy room and complimentary blinky blonky music. As a member and as a treat for working hard in the pool, I decided before I got changed to have a sit down in the aromatherapy room.

Now... reverting back ever so quickly to the swimming costume, as some of you might have experienced, when you do a lot of movement in water whilst wearing a swimming costume, water tends to... gather... in what I am going to refer to as... the "gusset" area.... I am aware of this. Starkly so. So before I get to the spa, I will look coyly over my left shoulder.. and then coooyly over the right shoulder.. and I walk up the stairs like a crab.

The crab like lunge movements help to shift the build up of water before I get to the spa, so that when I sit down, a load of water doesn't pour down my legs which can be embarrassing when you have to explain to the person next to you that you haven't in fact just pissed yourself. But on this one particular day, I looked coyly over the left.. and I looked cooooyly over the right... and there was a man. With angel wings, glowing in a silky smooth muscled way, floating harps hovering above his head playing the sweetest tune I have ever heard. I knew for a fact that me, the slightly plump drowned rat had pretty much NO chance of having my wicked way with him in the mop cupboard next to the lockers but when there is a 0.001% of a chance, that my friends is still a chance so I smiled sweetly, complimented him on his lovely harps and wings, and proceeded to walk up the stairs without bending my knees. Which on reflection probably made my chances 0.000001%.. but oh well it was better that splashing him in the face.

But I think you can see where I might be going with this tale. I get to the spa and the "gusset" area is still very much full. And my knees and calves are trembling with the strain of walking up stairs with no bending. Harp boy had gone back into the gym. There were a few people milling about in the spa so I glide in a shuffling feet way into the aromatherapy room and let out a sigh.. safe to empty the gusset. And then a woman appeared in the hazy cloud of aroma that was escaping out of the open door.

Me: Oh hi
Her: Hello. Have you been swimming
Me: Yes it was lovely, you?
Her: Yes. Time to relax I think.

Taking my cue to shut up and close the door, I did so and sat directly opposite her because that's how the room is laid out. Knowing what will happen when I do sit down, I sat down INCREDIBLY GENTLY. Almost no water came out. Phew I thought..... but then.... a tickling feeling in the back of throat.. Alarmed I tried to gulp in air but it was so thick it made it worse. The tickling spread to the back of my nose and the tip of it began to spasm. Oh.. Dear.. Christ.. I'm going to sneeze. Nothing will stop this sneeze now. This sneeze is happening.

I must have alarmed the woman because her eyes mirrored mine. Mine had started to open very wide, my pupils dilated so much so my whole eyes must have looked black.. my mouth was open and my right leg had begun to leave the floor in an attempt to cross them.. my right hand in slow mo moving towards my face to catch the sneeze...

And then it came. A stomach crunching, body folding, knees to the face, rib cage imbedded into the spine sneeze flew from my nose. The pressure on the gusset area was finally too much and just for a moment.. time stopped. The blinky blonky music had slowed down to a groaning "errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" which was only just audible above my "chooooooooooooooo" whilst the woman sat wide eyed, mouth open staring directly at the largest free flowing stream of gusset water anyone has ever had the misfortune to see.. coming straight at her.

If the situation had been different, the water in slow mo sparkled beautifully under the multicoloured LED lights. It's shimmering whilst it twisted with beautiful perfect droplets leaving the mother ship spray fell quietly to the floor, in no way represented the true horror and tension around it. Time then sped up as the arcing stream curved in the air and made a B-Line for the woman's thigh, only for it to slow back down as it splashed onto her, sending tiny water particles back up into the air, dispersed across this womans own swimming costume.

The slow mo time freeze ended when the last droplet bounced off her thigh and onto the tip of her nose. I was still doubled over, right leg at a perfect right angle having not quite made it across the left leg, my right hand covering my whole lower face so only my black disc shaped eyes were visible. The woman didn't move. Her mouth was still open, the droplet still hung from her nose, her eyes flickered though thoughts of ending it all because nothing could bring her back from the horror of this moment.. Eyes still down and mouth still open, with her tongue and twitching cheek muscles she managed to say "... blessth eww......"

I silently uncurled my body, stood up and said "... thanks.." before quite literally running away to work.

Bad times.

Iceland for New Year anyone?

Hallo hvernig ert pu - that's Icelandic for hello how are you? I have Glasto coming up, then starting a new job on 3rd July, the Three Peaks on 12th July and in the mean time, I have CAB volunteering to do! It's all go.. and I am secretly considering giving up CAB already because I'm not sure how I will fit it in to be honest. And that's because I plan on doing some serious overtime at the new place.. Because I want to go to Iceland for 6 days for New Year.. and it is EXPENSIVE.

I have some serious things to tick off my list - if you have a look at the tab above "Bucket List" you will see I have many things to get done. Iceland is one of them. However, I had not anticipated just HOW expensive it is going to be. BUT I WANT YOU TO COME WITH ME!! So to justify the MASSIVE price tag... which is £1700.. I have itemised what I would do there... Click on the bold word to go to the website for more information...

Train to Manchester Airport - £40 return
Flights with EasyJet - £188 return
Transfers to hostel - £25 return
Hostel - £102 Food for trip - £300
Souvenirs - £100
Whale and Lagoon trip - £70
New Year - £100 (drinks)
Northern Lights trip x 2 - £50
Volcano hike - £200
Glacier hike - £122
Musher with huskies for the day - £238
Brewery tour - £25

So what do you think??? Want to come with me and do some stuff that you might not ever get to do again??!!The volcano hike sounds AMAZING. You get to climb INSIDE a volcano!!!!! And as for the musher experience, you spend a day learning how to control the dogs and then take them out for a ride into the Icelandic countryside :D

I am almost SURE I am going to do it, especially if I get compensation from Commonwealth bank so please come with me.. trip of a life time!!!

Driving License, Job, Volunteering, and... 100 POSTS!

Oh SO much has happened and I have been SO busy I haven't had time to update. So here it is!!

Driving Test
I FRIGGING WELL PASSED!!!! I can't believe it!! Particularly because twice I noticed I had accidentally gone nearly 8 miles over the speed limit!! But I did it.. 2 minors and I am FREE to go driving :D And she told me the most mental story whilst we were driving. I told her about pervo last driving instructor and she told me about a case that went to court. According to her apparently this instructor took the hand of his 18 year old female pupil and put it square on his crotch. The girl complained and the matter was taken to court. His defense was "he put a carrot in his pocket as a practical joke" but apparently it wasn't - he had a mega hard on!! I was absolutely shocked and laughed so hard I nearly put the car in the bushes. Well subsequently I googled it and the test lady got the story completely wrong. Click here to read it as its still a bit seedy!

Car
I gots me a car!!! It's a wee red corsa 1.2 and I have been all over in it. I went on one random drive that wasn't very random as it turned out.. I felt the urge to just not go home and ended up in Staveley. Woooo lol.. all 5 minutes down the road :D still.. Also major embarrassment. I went up a multistory car park for the first time the other day which was all good and all fine. But when it came time to leave I realised on the last exit point to go down, I had left my bloody ticket in the boot!! So I had to stop the car mid ramp, get out barefoot (because I can't drive in shoes), run to the boot and grabbed a ticket. A queue was forming behind me so I moved quick and nearly went through the barriers!! It then gets worse.. I  lean out the window and put my ticket in. "Not Valid" the machine said. "Fuck off machine" I said. Tried again.. same message. So I pressed the "help" button. Man comes on and I explain its not accepting my ticket. He says "make sure the arrow is facing upwards".. so I said "Arrow?!?! There are two arrows?!"... he says... "excuse me??"..... it then dawns. I have picked up the wrong fucking ticket out of the boot. I stuttered and said "eerrrr.. erm... hang on". At this point there are around 5 cars behind me. It gets SO much worse......

I had driven up so close to the ticket machine I couldn't open my door. I tried but my arse is larger than 4cm so it just wasn't happening. So in full view of the CCTV and of the 5 cars behind with all their passengers, I had to CRAWL onto the passengers side, get out of the car that way, RUN to the boot, rummage through a million shopping bags to find the ticket, CRAWL back into my car, then forget to close the twatting passengers side because I was so flustered, CRAWL BACK over to close it, sit back down, pull my seat forward so I could reach the pedals, put the ticket in aaaaaannndd.... stall. Just as the barrier is coming down I restart the engine and speed off... clipping a curb. Fuuuccckking nightmare. But oh well, bad experiences make you appreciate the good ones more! Apparently...

Job
Well in my last update I told you about the fastest promotion in history.. well the job doesn't seem to be coming to fruition. They sent my "offer letter" AFTER it had expired and they haven't even acknowledged receipt of it or told me when the centre opens or sorted me out any training. So instead I kept looking for work and the day after I passed my test I got a job interview for a carer with the only requirement being a driving license. They were so keen I got the job on the spot, on the highest rate of pay they offer and tomorrow I am doing my moving and handling course. Awoop!! I will let you know how that goes.

Volunteering
I am going to be a volunteer at a very well known and respected company that give advice to those that need it. I'm not sure I can say the companies name or anything because it would be giving away my identity and what not.. but think how good that will look on the CV and on my personal statement for university!! It's all coming together.

The Gym
Well in prep for the Three Peaks and because I have decided I am morbidly obese - the car door incident evidence enough - I have finally joined the gym. The first day was full on shite. They have set me this programme which apparently I can't change - very frustrating - but it made my heart pound SO much that I nearly threw up. Recently though I have noticed myself getting very dizzy even when sitting down, feeling quite nauseous and when I have gone to check my pulse a couple of times, it's been so faint I can't feel it! So today we have dug out the blood pressure machine and on three separate readings, my pulse registered between 63-68, and my blood pressure was 95/65, 98/53 and 94/54 and just now as I am writing I did it again, and its 96/52... that is bloody low is it not??? I read it might have something to do with dehydration so I am going to try and make a point of drinking 2 litres of water of the next couple of days and see what happens.

Glastonbury
Two weeks today!!

100 posts!!!!!!!!
It is indeed my 100th post!!! A lot of thought, effort, emotion and dreams have gone into my blog posts and really the only reason I keep doing them is because guys ask for them so you are up to date with my ongoings and because most of the time they make you laugh.

Thank you so much for reading them and for always being so nice with your comments. You have helped me make decisions and comforted me when the posts have been on my "down" days. Having mild bipolar can be really hard some times and pretty epic others lol. Today and this week.. maybe even this month has all been a "up day" and updating positive things is really good sign. But anyway.. .thank you for reading 100 articles on ME! hehe.

That's all folks.. I have to finish this last assignment now :) cheerio.

Choosing To Be Selfish Over a Family

Good afternoon Sunday readers. How was your day? What did Sunday do for you?

I've been thinking, as is Sunday tradition. Do you realise just HOW MUCH there is to see and do in this world??? There is Africa, Canada, America, South America, Asia, Middle East, the Northern Lights, the pyramids, Europe, the Maldives.....

How will I find time to see all these things, have a career and have a family?? The only solution I can see is not have a family... And whilst I get my broody moments I think a selfish life as a backpacker is the one I want.

I don't want to be a mum at 45. But I don't want to be a mum now or the next 5 years with so much she wants to do but can't anymore. I don't want to resent my child.

It might be a very short blog.. but it was a very difficult one to write. And the same time almost a relief that I think I have made my choice. See you soon Africa...........

The Car Dilemma

Good evening - I'm having a dilemma. The car test is scarily soon and I am looking at buying my very first car the day I pass... if I pass!!! But what sort of car should I get? Here are the options...

The One Year Car

• Cheap (£500) run around that will last a year. 
• Tax £120ish
• Insurance £1200ish
• Not that big a deal if I prang it because I will just scrap it therefore keeping NCB

The Four Year Car

• Costs £2000 and will last 4 years
• Tax £35
• Insurance £1000ish
• Could be a bit of an arse if I prang it because I will have to get it fixed, so will lose NCB

Overall, if I have no accidents what so ever then the 4 year car is much cheaper in the long run. And it would be so much nicer to drive a newer car. But equally it could be very expensive insurance wise if I do prang it. 

What should I do based on your experiences???

Fastest Promotion Ever??

Hello you! Thanks for coming to have a nosey. Since the last update not toooo much has happened really. I did the Below The Line challenge for a week and it was really hard actually. If I hadn't spent £11 in order to then do per servings, I am absolutely sure I would have starved (read about it here).

I have also submitted my first assignment in human biology :D awaiting results.. fingers crossed for a merit.

I am 22 days away from taking my driving test and yes, I am absolutely fucking bricking it. Fingers crossed because I have seen a car I want up the road.

I have also had an allergic reaction to the pink in my tattoo! My whole cherry blossom area of my tattoo is on fire and so itchy. Luckily the swelling has gone down today but it's still really itchy where the rash is.

But anyway you didn't come to read that did you :D You came to find out how I was promoted in the quickest time ever didn't you!? Well it went like this....

I was invited to an open interview today for a big company to be a support worker. I figured that I probably wouldn't get it but it would be good experience to interview again and do it right this time!! I waited TWO AND A HALF HOURS!!!! to be seen.. I was getting very impatient and thinking about the bar in the other room (again it was held in a hotel) when this bloke from Nigera walked in. We spoke for a good hour on the politics, religion and economic crisis of his country. He was an absolute gent and it was such a pleasure to have met him. Our conversation was interrupted when FINALLY it was my turn to be interviewed.

Taking a seat without attempting to shake anyones hand so as to avoid potential awkwardness of last time, I was asked some general questions. All answered wellish then it came to specific care questions.. and I had to answer all of them with "errr... no.. sorry no I have no idea who CQC are and no I have never done a care plan".

Sitting back at the last question pretty content that I wouldn't get the job but that I had some good stuff to go home and research, the girls interviewing me looked each other, nodded and said "OK great thanks for that. You've got the job so if you could just fill in this form please". GOB SMACKED!!!!!!! I was mega flustered and just sort of said "oh ok, alright.. ok... what?!". I began filling in the form when the two girls left the room.

I was alone for about 40 seconds when this other woman comes in. She was Scottish and looked very professional. I paid no attention to her. Didn't even say hello because I thought she was hotel staff!! I heard her sift through some papers when she said "it's Sarah isn't it?"

Startled that she knew my name.. and to be honest slightly panicked that perhaps this was Craig's ex who had somehow found out and had tracked me down, I looked up and nervously said "yes...?" she sat down in front of me and said "we're not going to offer you the support worker role". I was disheartened and a little bit peeved seen as I was just given the job!!!! But before I could say anything she said "the girls think you are too good for the role so I am now offering you the senior support workers role. You will be responsible for care plans, risk assessment and the other support workers. Is that ok?"

50 seconds had gone past I was promoted!!! FOR NO REASON!??!!??!! I am in absolute shock!!!! I got a pay rise too haha!! I start in July after I get all my training done and my NVQs. I can't believe it!! And it a new centre too! So not walking into an established place.. new team with a new leader lol. Absolutely MENTAL!

But there you go, that's my news :D

A Job Interview

Well hey. Today has been... awkward! It started with a driving lesson at 11am. I was stood out there waiting for her to turn up. And I waited. And waited some more. I called her at 11.30am and she didn't pick up. I was in the middle of writing her a reply that basically said "Thanks for not showing up, I am going with another instructor you completely waste of air" when she sped down the road and said "sorry, I spilt some water on the seat"

So off we went finally with a wet arse. I needed to be back by 1pm because I was having my printer delivered between 1.15-2.15.. but of course we got back at 1.30 and of course the delivery was at 1.15 and I missed him. If I had been in odds are he would have delivered the shagger at 2.14.59.

I then had to get to an interview for 2.45. I had missed the buses because senile driving woman was late so had to get a taxi. That turned up late. And then forgot to take me to a cash machine. It was 2.43 when I got there and was completely flustered. I ran into the hotel where the interview was being held and completely missed the reception. Being a Rowlands I instinctively ran to the bar where out of the corner of my eye I could see two women having tea, and a man at the bar. I asked the man at the bar if interviews were being held here and he said "yes, I believe those two over there are interviewing" - so I bounded, literally, over there, my arm outstretched to handshake and said "hello! I'm Sarah!". The older of the two stood up and didn't even take my hand. She just pointed towards reception and said "we're not quite ready for you yet so if you could please take a seat over there?"... I cringe makingly removed my hand and put it by my side, pretending it never happened.

I was then beckoned over. And the first thing that came out of my mouth was "I didn't even know this place was here, how unobservant am I?!".... frigging idiot. Especially when I then had to backtrack and tell them just how observant I was. I then was asked "can you describe a stressful situation and how you handled it?" Rather than talk about a job related moment like the FSA coming in and demanding audits or something.. I scared them SHITLESS with the headless man in Cambodia story. Looking back, talking about how I came very close to death in a foreign country was probably not very appropriate to the question.

I THEN went on to tell them I would find it odd if a manager was always telling me what to do. I also called one of the interviewers "mental", and once the interview was over... I realised I had missed shaving my entire knee cap. And I hadn't shaved my legs for 2 weeks.

Pretty damn sure I won't get the job. Ho hum.

Important Update

Hola amigo! Que tal? Estoy bien, gracias. I have a rather important update for you..

I have quit my job! And I have moved house! And I have passed my theory test! And I had a chicken kiev for tea!! All very exciting news I think you will agree. I tell you what I am so happy about it all too. As per the apparent normal, I am splitting this blog into sections for you.. because I am terrible and seem to leave blogging until I have a mountain of information.

Quitting My Fuck Awful Job
I can't say too much in the public forum in case Big Brother is watching, but safe to say I feel wonderful about leaving my old job. I was lied to, to start off with, I was constantly speaking to people who were so in debt they said they would kill themselves, and I was collecting debt that I felt ethically was wrong to do so. Working for that company was hard and the decision to leave was made so much clearer when the idiot boss told me on the last day that we were "leaving on bad terms"... because I HAD to leave a day early to avoid the blizzards we have all experienced up here in the Midlands.

The relief wasn't nearly as massive as when I left Acenden but the relief was still there! Mainly though for its symbolism... I have left collections altogether. This is my time now to focus. I NEED to get back to Australia and to do that I need to get qualified and I can think of nothing else that I want to do long term than midwifery. So the foundations are being laid right now :) No more distractions.. I am off to find work in care.

The Theory Test
And to get there, and to get a job in care, and have curly hair that is soft and fair.. sorry got carried away.. I have got to pass my test and get a car. There is so much work out there for people who want to do care work but you either have to have experience in care or a car. Well I have neither but not for long!! I passed my theory test with 48/50 on the theory and 67/73 on the hazard perception. A very very respectable score I think. All that revision paid off so pat on the back for me. Although don't pat too hard, my bones are delicate.

I start proper lessons on 8th April and will be doing 2 hours a day every day. After 5 days we will asses how well I am doing and if we're happy, then I book the test. Apparently there is a quick turn around with Chesterfield so I reckon, all going well, I should have a driving license by the end of April... ARRGGHHHH!!! << this is the noise YOU should be making at the thought of me loose on the road.

Moving House
And to save some of my savings whilst I embark on my new career, I have moved in with Mumma Bear. Although I haven't really saved much money... in the first 3 days of being here I have spent £50 on decorating materials and £210 on new furniture! But I have high hopes that for the first time in my life.. and I am being serious with this statement.. I will stay put in the one place for more than 6 months because not once in my whole 27 years have I lived in the same house for more than 6 months. I am tired of moving around now. In order to make this record breaking attempt at staying put though, I will need to be in some comfort. Decorating starts tomorrow so I will of course upload on Facebook and Twitter my updates. I have gone for a red paint feature wall, and a wallpapered room with black ash furniture. Exciting!

Chicken Kiev
It was lovely. Except slightly chewy. I will make my own next time.

And until next time.. when I have news on driving lessons, decorating and my own kiev.. Good day to you!

Progression

Well hey there folks - I'm watching a film called "My Dog Skip" purely because Malcolm in the Middle boy is on it when he was all tiny and mega cutesy, and Kevin Bacon who looks so freakin' sexy it's almost unbearable! The film itself it absolutely terrible.And this was a rather long winded explanation of how I wanted you to pronounce in your heads "well hey there folks" - it's southern American based film you see... Anyway...

Things in my life have progressed! Since the last rather sweary update, I have found a setting on the oven that isn't "burn to ash in 4 minutes" and have successful produced cakes and sugar biscuits which I have sold for a rather impressive £18.00 of donations in one week. Go Cake Fighting Cancer!!! (even if it does mean bringing on potential heart failure.. there is an awful amount of butter in my cakes :-/... win some lose some?)

In addition to perfectly cooked cakes, I ladies and gentlemen have only bloody well gone and started learning to drive again! *people reading dive behind sofas and protectively cover the heads of their children* I had my first free assessment lesson today and quite frankly with no exaggeration, I full on crapped myself (I was on the loo thankfully) but it turned out ok! I haven't driven a car for 7 years and I reckon I did alright. MOST DEFINITELY rusty and will need some work but that's what driving lessons are for right! I have figured out that I don't listen when I'm concentrating and I struggle really badly with knowing which is left and right any because of the dyslexia, so couple those things together and you have me slowing down at a roundabout in the wrong lane with the indicator going the right direction but the instructor going "left leeffftttt!" as I'm cruising right and then panicking and driving over the roundabout itself. It happened twice lol.. woops..

But it's something I have to get right and get done if I want to be a midwife. Which brings me onto progression part two... some universities want to see recent study. Well recent study they shall have! I am taking an A Level in Biology online! https://www.stonebridge.uk.com/course/biology-a-level for £385. Yes it's expensive but it gets what I need and makes me really knuckle down. I haven't purchased it yet because I want to explore a couple more options see if I can actually get it cheaper but so far, that's looking like my best bet.

In other news, Qatar Airways should hopefully finally be paying me my £280 back which was the refund for a flight I cancelled in SEPTEMBER!! After getting the CAA involved, they finally replied and have finally accepted that they owe me the money. I have however asked for £500 as compensation for their complete and utter frigging awfulness. So if I get the full refund back then that pays for the course and some driving lessons - yay!

Speaking of money, Kev is paying me back too!!! All £1725 :D :D yaaay!! I have also moved teams in work which means I am more likely to achieve a bonus each month which will be very handy - a couple of extra hundred for the next 3 months will pay for the driving course itself if I do intensive so mega fingers crossed. for that.

What else... nearly reach my target for sponsorship so if you would like to help then please spare a copper or £20 to http://www.justgiving.com/bearclimbshills - every £20 is an hours worth of nursing :) you can also text me if you want; Text BEAR91 £ << and then your donation amount to 70070..and by spare a copper.. if you want to take that literally and send me a uniformed police man, please feel free! Make sure he brings his baton and handcuffs...

And I think that's it! It's all go, I'm feeling quite motivated and I will now embark on making some lemon and chocolate cup cakes :D See you all when I have more news.

Total and Absolute Baking Disaster

** WARNING. FAIR AMOUNT OF SWEARING IN THIS POST**

The Poster... In no way accurately priced

Ey up. Well I have something to tell you kids. I am NOT the cooking/baking genius I think I am. Today has been an absolute complete mega fuck up and I am both shattered and in a raging strop, which combined has made this weird floppsy sulky mess of a woman who has flour in her hair, butter under her fingernails and mysteriously.. which we will get onto in a moment.. a giant patch of syrup on my left hand side.

The story starts with I am baking cakes to sell at work in order to raise funds for charity (hint: http://www.justgiving.com/bearclimbshills). I have put it off all January because I knew people were skint and it also gave me time to make some cool posters and order a banner to advertise my bake sale. Well posters arrived and they look OK - see opposite. Banner also arrived but was too big to post through the door so they took it away where it currently awaits pick up at the post office. Fuckiing JOOOYYYYY.. like I can be arsed to walk all the way to the twatting post office. Rage.

But I figured regardless of banner, I will make some cakes and bring them in. Well I made something. Cake??? Not so much.

In Dave Kitchen's words "have a group of men cum on your cakes??"

I used the normal method of making fairy cakes - equal amounts of ingredients and spread the contents equally into my Christmas Present silicone case. All was well so far. As they cooked I attempted to make some icing. Blue icing I thought to go with the Marie Curie theme. It took a good 15 minutes to attempt. And I failed. Dramatically. So as not to get angry I thought of my little cakes cooking away and remembered they only take 10 minutes to cook. I opened the oven door sure they were going to have been burnt only to see half risen cakes. Ball sacks I thought.. the stupid cunting oven with no temperature numbers around the dial must only be at like 80 degrees C. Turn it up my head said. Good plan my brain replied.

Back at the icing I came to the conclusion that no matter how much blue I put into this, and how much icing sugar I then put back into the mix to make it thicker, the result was always going to be the same. Perfect blue colour but extremely runny, or grey and slightly thicker. That took another 7 minutes to ponder by that time I realised the cakes should be perfect. Opening the oven - cloud of black bastard fucksticking smoke. Oh hurray.

You would be forgiven for assuming this was made my a mentally handicapped bind child

Not the end of the world... I cut the blackened bits off and figured I would coat it in my grey icing. Did that. But the shagging icing was to frigging runny. So now I just had a mess. Don't panic I said.. you have sprinkles. THAT DIDN'T STICK BECAUSE THE ARSE BENDING ICING HAD FALLEN OFF THE BURNT CAKES!!! Which were SO small I had absolutely NO hope of selling it for 40p. It isn't even worth 10p. And not only that... I had noticed a strange.. feet smell. I sniffed my cakes and was quite sure - yep. My cakes smelt like feet. I look at my now empty pathetic blue coluring and realised I had opened that colour back in 2010 and had successfully NOT kept it refrigerated.

IN ADDITION.... I ordered some cooking chocolate from Asda but because they had run out, they figured 3 bars of dairy milk would be a good swap. NO Asda you mega fucking tards - normal chocolate does not melt!!!! It's aright my head said. Melt it with some butter and syrup and all be well. NOT IT ISN'T YOU AXWOUND!!! I have ended up with the greasiest, thickest THREE chocolate cornflake cakes you will ever have in your life, and it was supposed to have made 12.

I concluded there was no way in hell I could take these "cakes" to work and sell because someone would definitely die if not vomit so began tidying up. Starting with the blender. Which has a sharp blade if you didn't know. A blade sharp enough that if held between thumb and index finger will literally rip through the webbing of your skin. Which you won't notice whilst it is held under ice cold water. You will however notice it when your hand becomes unnumb and you realise there is a trail of red on the white floor where you just were. Much more scrubbing that anticipated with now disabled hand. Further rage.

But the most rage came from finally cleaning up and taking off the apron. Only for a GIANT BLOB of syrup to fall onto my side... FROM NOWHERE... UNANNOUCED!!!! I am now covered in blood.. tired... a little bit sick from trying a death cake... and REALLY FUCKING STICKY!!!!!

 To sum up everyone. Fuck your cakes. Fuck fundraising. And then refuck your cakes. I'm going to bed.

Saturday Night TV

Supermarket Sweep!!!

I was sat here earlier, in front of the TV where I have to admit I have been for the entire day when my bestest good Gemma called me for a talk. We had the general catch up and moan before the standard round up of “what's on TV tonight anything good?”... and the answer is simply no. No there isn't. Staying true to my upbringing and enforcing my stubbornness for change, I perused the standard 4 analogue stations and became utterly depressed. SPLASH! was on IVT1 (oh the days when it was just called Granada and could be identified without a number).. as if I needed more reason to kill myself? And BBC1 had Flog It! (notice how both of those programs on the main channels have an exclamation mark, presumably to mask their shitness with gestured enthusiasm!).. and that was actually worse than SPLASH!

"Oh Dale. If only you weren't half gay half carrot"

Faced with what seemed like SPLASH! And a sharp knife to my wrist, in a semi desperate bid to stay alive just a wee bit longer, I flicked through and found.... oh sweet lord the goodness.. Challenge TV.. no exclamation mark needed. Good, proper old school real TV with real people playing proper games. And watching them back reeeallly makes me appreciate everything which I know sounds ridiculous but the old school prizes.. MINT. and when I say old school it's only 20 years ago but we seem to have forgotten the simple pleasure of winning a microwave – it's still a prize kids!!!! It doesn't have to be £20k! Anyway...

All hands Mr John

It started with Supermarket Sweep – the hair, the colours of the waistcoats, the fact a hosepipe was an expensive must have item in the trolley, the mega prize of £2000 that had to be won on speed and the ability to match rhyming food items to riddle clues. Just epic. And Dale's skin and matching shoulder padded blazer. Ah man. Just yes.

Then Wheel of Fortune – with the gorgeous, if slightly rapey, John Leslie. Again, physical skill of lugging that wheel around, mental agility of what is essentially hang man, and the prizes! Wow. An exercise bike, a combi fridge freezer... a hamper of makeup!!!! Man those were the days.. and if you lost you actually lost. You might get an “I was on a game show” token prize but essentially you were shit out of luck. No “aww I'm sorry here is £10,000 please don't sue us for emotional damage”.

Penis

And then.. oooh my Saturday childhood favourite.. Big Break. Jim Davidson, what an absolute Cashew Nut.. but John Virgo.. secret childhood crush. And the theme tune!! “I'm famed for my aim so you better believe I'm right! I'm going to be snookering you, snookering you tonight, BIG BREAK!” - goosebumps!! But now THEIR prizes.. absolutely other level of WOW: a CARPET BAG!!!!!, turntable stereo system, gourmet soup cook book and the mystery star prize – a 15 inch colour TV with video player and the choice of FIVE BBC videos of YOUR choice. Core fudging blimey.

Why don't we have these on any more??? Where is The Crystal Maze?? Gladiators?!! The Krypton Factor??? God I miss the TV of my youth.... Sigh.

What Would I Do Without My Mum?!

In her onesie

Just a couple of wee stories that happened in the last 12 hours that made me laugh so hard I had to dedicate a blog to my mumma.

So last night during an advert break, my mum was eating a Mars bar. There was a break in noise from the TV and all I could hear from the other sofa was a grunting sucking noise. I looked over in disgust but she was completely absorbed in her Mars bar and was doing some sort of weird symmetrical eating plan. I started laughing because she was concentrating on it so much and said "mum.. could you eat that louder?!" and in an Irish accent (bearing in mind she's northern English) just said so matter of factly "well you have to take it apart!!!!".. and then because I distracted her from the melting and went, still Irishly "Ah FECK I've lost some of it under my chins!!" and then foraged for a good 3 minutes!

Being E.T whilst camping

Then this morning, I come down from bed and without even saying good morning, my mum who is dressed in reindeer slippers and a huge dressing gown I bought her for Christmas, which she calls "her suit", threw her laptop to one side and jumped up exclaiming "oh thank God you're here I need to show you something weird!!"

Deathly afraid she was going to open her suit, I stood a little bit closer to the door I had just entered in case I needed to do an immediate u-turn. Then with a face both of concern and childlike glee, she rushed to the window and peeled back the hideous net curtains she insists on having on the large floor to ceiling living room window which, if the hideous nets were taken down, gives you a view of whole garden area.

Laughing hysterically

Beckoning me over with her suit still firmly tied up, thank Christ, I went to see what the weirdness in the garden might be. Shuffling together for a closer inspection out of the tall but relatively narrow for two people standing together by it window, she pointed determinedly and said "LOOK! What does that look like to you?!?".. she had pointed at a spot about 1 inch away from the window where a bit of snow had been meting off. I knew immediately what it was. "that's cat mum".

"No!!" she said excited to tell of her vision of what the snow mystery might be, "that there is a childs footprint!! and that bit there is a giants foot print!".... "a giants footprint, mum seriously! that bit is the cats arse and that childs footprint is where the cat had gone to jump onto the fence and skidded!"

Being scared of Jamie the mini puppy

She hunched over so the window was misting up from her breath coming out her nose which was less than a millimeter away from glass now and declared "ansolutely not. That is a childs foot print and that is giants. I won't hear anymore of it. CLEARLY there are mythical creatures living in our grid end of story."

And with that she sat back down, adjusted her "suit" to be more covering and continued about her day. That was until just this second a bit of snow fell off the roof above and whizzed past the window, making a thump noise just outside it. She shook so violently with shock that her laptop shot off her knee and she yelped "FUCK ME!!!.... SHITTTY DEATH.... GRRRRRR!" she then ran to the window and closed it saying "I better shut this. They might be on the roof!" She then looked down at the mysterious snow and said.. in Irish!! "Oh my God so... it's turned into a Scream Mask now! It's got a laughing face and eyes and everything now!! Just to let you know, if they need a human sacrifice, you're it".

Seriously.. what will I do with out and her mental ways?!

My Mummy with her Mummy

Getting Three Peaks Ready

Twitter me in a signed Jenson Button shirt

G'day darl. Howaya going? I am today, completely splendid and full of energy and beans!

I've come to the conclusion from hashtagging #threepeaks on Twitter (find me @F1_Rowlands) that I seriously, seriously need to up the game to get ready for the challenge. It appears from the many tweets from others about constant gymming and practice mountain hikes that quite simply doing a 45 minute walk up one incline to Tesco once every other week is not going to get me to the physical strength needed to climb three mountains in 24 hours. So my plan has been formulated...

Training at the same gym that Jessica Ennis does, Ponds Forge, I have joined up and will be starting the following classes as of the Monday after pay day...

Look at the size of the slide on the left!!! I am quite excited in case I see olympains

Monday - Boot camp.. I best get me arse in gear and apparently there is no where to hide in Boot Camp
Tuesday - 20/20/20 - this is swimming but being egged on at the same time. A full 2 hours!
Wednesday - break.. think I should let the muscles take a wee break today
Thursday - body pump.. apparently very good for the core which I will need lugging a backpack up hills
Friday - gym - treadmill. Set on flat for running, incline 3 for walking and the highest incline it will go for mock trudging! For a good hour and a half.

I reckon Saturday I will still do my big walk to Tesco but treadmills just aren't life like enough.. you hear many people talking about how they prepared for marathons on the treadmill and nearly died on the pavement. So yes, that is my plan. Unfortunately my plan means a 35 minute walk TO the gym... at 6am... and then a 40 minutes walk TO work!! But it's important. And I must succeed!!!!!

Yeah mine won't look anything like this

In terms of baking, this is going to go quite well I hope. I'm going to make cupcakes with yellow and blue icing, cornflake cakes and fat free blueberry muffings for those on diets. I have discovered Asda's smart price stuff is fantastically smartly priced and have worked out, if I sell each cornflake cake at 40p, for the cost of £4.00 to buy all ingredients which will make around 50, I only have to sell 10 to make my money back and will in profit for the charity make £16.. not much but if I can sell around 50 cakes a week,that's £64 a month which by the time July rocks up, that's £320 made for charity! Nay bad eh.

Go on! Even if it's just to see if it works...

I have a banner and flyers on their way, both free except for £5.40 P&P complimentary of Vista Print. Thanks guy.

And get this!! You can TEXT ME!! Your donation!! Text BEAR91 £10 to 70070 :D Or if you are a bit skint... you can send £1.00, £2.00, £3.00, £4.00 or £5.00.

Or you can visit the website https://www.justgiving.com/bearclimbshills and donate there. Everyone across the world can do it and in the currency you want which is brilliant for all of the amazing friends I have gathered across the globe :-)

But yes,, I will keep you all updated with how training is going and of course, if I pull in the gym. That would be great. And if there is anyone in Sheffield who wants to be my badminton buddy, I can get us a court for £3.00 on Saturday between 1-3pm.


Wish me luck!! or better yet.. sponsor me. Every £10.00 is an hours wage for a Marie Curie Cancer Care nurse to come and look after someone dying. Thanks dudes.

To Successfully Diet...

... is to not bother dieting at all. I wish to buggery that I was thin and could eat what I want but truth of it is, I frickin' LOVE food!!! Pies, stir frys, chicken dinners with all the trimmings, lamb steak with in season asparagus, pizza with double pepperoni, tomato soup...

Also I have a food blog.. how can I diet successfully when I have to make and update the food blog. And I got a new food processor for Christmas.. how AWFUL would it be to watch it gather dust??

I simply need to get a grip, go and exercise more often and eat less pizza. In stead of having a tuna butty with my soup, just have soup!

That's all I have to say for now.

What a Year 2012 was

Heya! This might not be the best blog in the world because I am totally distracted by the baby snoring and Mary Poppins. She looks so cute asleep... so does the baby....

Well what a completely insane year 2012 was eh. I went to the opening of the F1 in Melbourne and met my ultimate hero Jenson Button, I stood on a boat as two baby whales jumped out and played along side it, I snorkelled on the Great Barrier reef where a giant sea turtle came to swim under my legs, I went to Uluru both at sunset and at sunrise and travelled more than 48 hours on a train to get from Adelaide to Darwin. I saw St Kilda win a match at the MCG on my last day in Australia, I saw Andy Murray play Novak Djokovic in a thrilling 4.5 hour match in the Rod Laver arena, I swam in Lake McKenzie, saw crocodiles jump out the water at us to eat something, swan in the ocean with deadly box jelly fish and survived, surfed with dolphins in Byron Bay, went fishing for the first time and raced a pod of dolphins in the speed boat we took out, attempted to bungee jump, skydived and took a helicopter up to Franz Jospeh glaciar and hiked it for 4 hours where I  weaved in and out of ice caves before taking a thermically heated swim in rock pools. 

I saw the fireworks at the stroke of midnight shoot off the Sydney Harbour bridge and Sydney Opera House, I did a handstand opposite the Taj Mahal, I stood just one foot away from where Ghandi was shot and killed, I got parasites that nearly killed me, I climbed the Himalayas, I had a Fergburger! I played and spectacularly crashed on a luge in Rotarura, I zorbed twice, stood in a waterfall in Milford Sound during a storm, hiked to the top of Kings Canyon at 5am to see sunrise, saw my NZ family, stroked a wild dingo (don't do that, it was a very dangerous idea).. I did LOADS!!!

It was completely and utterly the most amazing year of my life. And this is why 2013 scares me to death. How is it possible to top that??? I'm so scared....

Resolutions. I will have to keep myself busy with them I guess...

Last Years Resolutions taken from last years blog....

1. Must learn to knit - oops...
2. Sky dive. It's been on here too many times so its being done! - DID IT!!!!
3. Go to the F1 - DID IT!!!!
4. Try an oyster... Sickening - No I can't do it, it's just too gross
5. Relearn French - I was too busy. But I have learnt to like Spanish
6. Learn and get a motorbike. This one is important - ah yes. I didn't get time to do this.
7. Be home for Christmas - achieved!!
8. Learn to fish.- done!

This years Resolutions

1. Learn to knit - it has to be done this year otherwise the world will implode. And mum bought me a starter kit. YAY!
2. Buy a house
3. Go to watch Man U at Old Trafford
4. Learn conversational Spanish
5. Go to Scotland
6. Go to Glasto
7. Doubtful but ambition is go spend 2 weeks in Egypt
8. Compete in the 3 peak challenge 

I think this is a reasonable set do you agree? What are yours?