Oh troops - I have been SO busy with work but my goodness I love it so much. But that's a blog for another day.. today's brief update after a period of absence is focused on one particular event that I have been meaning to tell you about for over two months. Let me set the scene and give you some background.....
At the gym I go to, there is a lovely long pool that does classes etc. So one particular Monday I decided I would go to Aquacise and have a wee swim before hand and after as my version of a warm up and cool down. My swimming costume is one that has shorts and is an all in one thing - very professional swimmer looking I must say. I had my swim and my class and felt fantastic! So I went to get changed to go to work.
Upstairs from the pool is a members only spa that has the likes of a sauna, steam room, aromatherapy room and complimentary blinky blonky music. As a member and as a treat for working hard in the pool, I decided before I got changed to have a sit down in the aromatherapy room.
Now... reverting back ever so quickly to the swimming costume, as some of you might have experienced, when you do a lot of movement in water whilst wearing a swimming costume, water tends to... gather... in what I am going to refer to as... the "gusset" area.... I am aware of this. Starkly so. So before I get to the spa, I will look coyly over my left shoulder.. and then coooyly over the right shoulder.. and I walk up the stairs like a crab.
The crab like lunge movements help to shift the build up of water before I get to the spa, so that when I sit down, a load of water doesn't pour down my legs which can be embarrassing when you have to explain to the person next to you that you haven't in fact just pissed yourself. But on this one particular day, I looked coyly over the left.. and I looked cooooyly over the right... and there was a man. With angel wings, glowing in a silky smooth muscled way, floating harps hovering above his head playing the sweetest tune I have ever heard. I knew for a fact that me, the slightly plump drowned rat had pretty much NO chance of having my wicked way with him in the mop cupboard next to the lockers but when there is a 0.001% of a chance, that my friends is still a chance so I smiled sweetly, complimented him on his lovely harps and wings, and proceeded to walk up the stairs without bending my knees. Which on reflection probably made my chances 0.000001%.. but oh well it was better that splashing him in the face.
But I think you can see where I might be going with this tale. I get to the spa and the "gusset" area is still very much full. And my knees and calves are trembling with the strain of walking up stairs with no bending. Harp boy had gone back into the gym. There were a few people milling about in the spa so I glide in a shuffling feet way into the aromatherapy room and let out a sigh.. safe to empty the gusset. And then a woman appeared in the hazy cloud of aroma that was escaping out of the open door.
Me: Oh hi
Her: Hello. Have you been swimming
Me: Yes it was lovely, you?
Her: Yes. Time to relax I think.
Taking my cue to shut up and close the door, I did so and sat directly opposite her because that's how the room is laid out. Knowing what will happen when I do sit down, I sat down INCREDIBLY GENTLY. Almost no water came out. Phew I thought..... but then.... a tickling feeling in the back of throat.. Alarmed I tried to gulp in air but it was so thick it made it worse. The tickling spread to the back of my nose and the tip of it began to spasm. Oh.. Dear.. Christ.. I'm going to sneeze. Nothing will stop this sneeze now. This sneeze is happening.
I must have alarmed the woman because her eyes mirrored mine. Mine had started to open very wide, my pupils dilated so much so my whole eyes must have looked black.. my mouth was open and my right leg had begun to leave the floor in an attempt to cross them.. my right hand in slow mo moving towards my face to catch the sneeze...
And then it came. A stomach crunching, body folding, knees to the face, rib cage imbedded into the spine sneeze flew from my nose. The pressure on the gusset area was finally too much and just for a moment.. time stopped. The blinky blonky music had slowed down to a groaning "errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" which was only just audible above my "chooooooooooooooo" whilst the woman sat wide eyed, mouth open staring directly at the largest free flowing stream of gusset water anyone has ever had the misfortune to see.. coming straight at her.
If the situation had been different, the water in slow mo sparkled beautifully under the multicoloured LED lights. It's shimmering whilst it twisted with beautiful perfect droplets leaving the mother ship spray fell quietly to the floor, in no way represented the true horror and tension around it. Time then sped up as the arcing stream curved in the air and made a B-Line for the woman's thigh, only for it to slow back down as it splashed onto her, sending tiny water particles back up into the air, dispersed across this womans own swimming costume.
The slow mo time freeze ended when the last droplet bounced off her thigh and onto the tip of her nose. I was still doubled over, right leg at a perfect right angle having not quite made it across the left leg, my right hand covering my whole lower face so only my black disc shaped eyes were visible. The woman didn't move. Her mouth was still open, the droplet still hung from her nose, her eyes flickered though thoughts of ending it all because nothing could bring her back from the horror of this moment.. Eyes still down and mouth still open, with her tongue and twitching cheek muscles she managed to say "... blessth eww......"
I silently uncurled my body, stood up and said "... thanks.." before quite literally running away to work.
Bad times.
At the gym I go to, there is a lovely long pool that does classes etc. So one particular Monday I decided I would go to Aquacise and have a wee swim before hand and after as my version of a warm up and cool down. My swimming costume is one that has shorts and is an all in one thing - very professional swimmer looking I must say. I had my swim and my class and felt fantastic! So I went to get changed to go to work.
Upstairs from the pool is a members only spa that has the likes of a sauna, steam room, aromatherapy room and complimentary blinky blonky music. As a member and as a treat for working hard in the pool, I decided before I got changed to have a sit down in the aromatherapy room.
Now... reverting back ever so quickly to the swimming costume, as some of you might have experienced, when you do a lot of movement in water whilst wearing a swimming costume, water tends to... gather... in what I am going to refer to as... the "gusset" area.... I am aware of this. Starkly so. So before I get to the spa, I will look coyly over my left shoulder.. and then coooyly over the right shoulder.. and I walk up the stairs like a crab.
The crab like lunge movements help to shift the build up of water before I get to the spa, so that when I sit down, a load of water doesn't pour down my legs which can be embarrassing when you have to explain to the person next to you that you haven't in fact just pissed yourself. But on this one particular day, I looked coyly over the left.. and I looked cooooyly over the right... and there was a man. With angel wings, glowing in a silky smooth muscled way, floating harps hovering above his head playing the sweetest tune I have ever heard. I knew for a fact that me, the slightly plump drowned rat had pretty much NO chance of having my wicked way with him in the mop cupboard next to the lockers but when there is a 0.001% of a chance, that my friends is still a chance so I smiled sweetly, complimented him on his lovely harps and wings, and proceeded to walk up the stairs without bending my knees. Which on reflection probably made my chances 0.000001%.. but oh well it was better that splashing him in the face.
But I think you can see where I might be going with this tale. I get to the spa and the "gusset" area is still very much full. And my knees and calves are trembling with the strain of walking up stairs with no bending. Harp boy had gone back into the gym. There were a few people milling about in the spa so I glide in a shuffling feet way into the aromatherapy room and let out a sigh.. safe to empty the gusset. And then a woman appeared in the hazy cloud of aroma that was escaping out of the open door.
Me: Oh hi
Her: Hello. Have you been swimming
Me: Yes it was lovely, you?
Her: Yes. Time to relax I think.
Taking my cue to shut up and close the door, I did so and sat directly opposite her because that's how the room is laid out. Knowing what will happen when I do sit down, I sat down INCREDIBLY GENTLY. Almost no water came out. Phew I thought..... but then.... a tickling feeling in the back of throat.. Alarmed I tried to gulp in air but it was so thick it made it worse. The tickling spread to the back of my nose and the tip of it began to spasm. Oh.. Dear.. Christ.. I'm going to sneeze. Nothing will stop this sneeze now. This sneeze is happening.
I must have alarmed the woman because her eyes mirrored mine. Mine had started to open very wide, my pupils dilated so much so my whole eyes must have looked black.. my mouth was open and my right leg had begun to leave the floor in an attempt to cross them.. my right hand in slow mo moving towards my face to catch the sneeze...
And then it came. A stomach crunching, body folding, knees to the face, rib cage imbedded into the spine sneeze flew from my nose. The pressure on the gusset area was finally too much and just for a moment.. time stopped. The blinky blonky music had slowed down to a groaning "errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" which was only just audible above my "chooooooooooooooo" whilst the woman sat wide eyed, mouth open staring directly at the largest free flowing stream of gusset water anyone has ever had the misfortune to see.. coming straight at her.
If the situation had been different, the water in slow mo sparkled beautifully under the multicoloured LED lights. It's shimmering whilst it twisted with beautiful perfect droplets leaving the mother ship spray fell quietly to the floor, in no way represented the true horror and tension around it. Time then sped up as the arcing stream curved in the air and made a B-Line for the woman's thigh, only for it to slow back down as it splashed onto her, sending tiny water particles back up into the air, dispersed across this womans own swimming costume.
The slow mo time freeze ended when the last droplet bounced off her thigh and onto the tip of her nose. I was still doubled over, right leg at a perfect right angle having not quite made it across the left leg, my right hand covering my whole lower face so only my black disc shaped eyes were visible. The woman didn't move. Her mouth was still open, the droplet still hung from her nose, her eyes flickered though thoughts of ending it all because nothing could bring her back from the horror of this moment.. Eyes still down and mouth still open, with her tongue and twitching cheek muscles she managed to say "... blessth eww......"
I silently uncurled my body, stood up and said "... thanks.." before quite literally running away to work.
Bad times.
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