There was snow and the like!

Bon-jer!! How be? I'm shaggingly fantastic thanks for asking. Since the last update I have been slaughtered twice, there was carnage chaos caused by unexpected snow, a relatively dull and uneventful train journey for which we will just skim past for fear of people slipping into comas, a Christmas day and so much food eating I am awfully afraid that when I get home and get the scales they will at first laugh and then begin to choke and gasp for relief of my 18 stone dead weight feet.

So we had the Christmas Capstone Party.. for which I would like to SINCERELY apologise to those who I lap danced, held the face of whilst I told them how amazing they were and attempted to high five which only ended with either me sitting on them or slapping in said face.. much sorry. It was brilliant fun though! I very much enjoyed being watched by Ken Burke as myself, Carpy and Vicky made repeated.. and very loud.. toasts to the "lack of foreskin" and "toasting for the sake of toasting". I dirty danced (otherwise known as getting on my knees in the middle of the floor shouting WOOO), made the dance floor go from 50 people to 10 when U2 came on and I flung my arms around like I was signalling "ice berg" from the top of the Titanic.. was propositioned by a very hansome young man, and was then dragged almost kicking and screaming to a taxi because I was talking to the Stepstone girl who was working on a visit to Dublin for me!!

My party outfit I was so pleased about because I genuinely thought it wasn't going to fit. The spray tan incident though.. my Allah you probably had to be there but I walked in, all giddy and confident and said to the bloke of foreign persuasion on the desk "mate, I have a cold and I know we aren't supposed to rub any part that has been tanned, so what do I do about blowing my nose?" ... he looked at me, smiled and rather curiously said "I'm ok I don't need my nose blowing but perhaps later I will let you know.".... Well I pretty much just stared at him... turn around and not very tactfully burst out laughing and pushed Vicky towards the desk so she could pay for her turn. I tell you those machines are quite scary!! You go into a room and the bloke tells you because the stuff drips you need to put moistureiser on your feet... so I proper lubed my toesys up and took a step towards the machine on a tiled floor and pretty much just floated on moistueriser to the other side of the room!! Not the comical cartoon slipping at speed type... but the very gradual, picking up pace slide to the other side of the room, arms outstretched and head turning in bemusement and concern whilst the eyes looked confused and hopeful that I will a) stop and b) find something to riqochette off to head back to the machine.

I was disappointed when I left the machine and got home. All I was was sticky, wet and a funny smell.. not really what I had paid for. However, the following morning the first sight that greeted me was my very very brown face... followed closely by a very very white forhead... that's right.. a forehead halo. I have never wanted to crawl up my own as much as I did that morning. I praised GOD that I had a fringe to cover it because moran is an understatement.

Then there was Sunday; the pretend Christmas. My that was a joyeous, busy and eventful day and night. There was secret santa, brussel sprouts that not one person wanted, waff-fur fin miints, a snow ball fight at the bottom of the garden field that ended promptly when I saw animal tracks headed to a whole in the snow... Vicky threw up which was delightful and the Wii was set up YAY!!!!

Then there was the deadly snow!! People were stranded, Bambi fell over carrying my suitcase which was so fantastically wonderfully funny because it wasn't a "thud - I have falled", but it was a very ungraceful slippage of feet in every direction whilst he tried to control himself and not let the suitcase fall. He ripped his trousers crotch bit with the effort he put into not falling down. I will mention a bit of the train here because, if he reads it, I want him to know I'm very sorry... I got on the Virgin train and a little blokey.. who may have been on day release from the special farm.. came up and asked if I fancied a cup of tea. Because I wasn't sure who he was I kind of just looked at him and said "err.. no?", he smiled and then wandered back up the train. Me thinking he was just a weirdo trying to get me to take his drug laced tea, I asked the train conductor which carriage the buffet cart was in.. and to my HORROR I was told he was packing up and had to go RIGHT NOW to see if he was still there.. so with my eyes dead ahead and practically running... for the need for a brew was strong.. I almost ran through the little cart of snacks and quite loudly demanded "CUP OF TEA AND A KITKAT".. with "NOW PLEASE" almost as an after thought... and then there he was.. the little dude, grinning I think with fear. I felt so bad that this polite little man.. a few sandwiches short of a picnic.. had so kindly offered me a cup of tea before he shut up shop and I had pretty much mocked him and shooed him away like a dirty pigeon. So if you are reading this... man who I have now openly mocked and abused.. ever so sorry!!

CHRISTMAS!!!! then happened. I got loads of epic things!! Seasons 4-11 of South Park.. rock that shit on.. and 2 games for the Wii. I also got a joke but real telescope woop! for spying, a 5 year diary because I LOOOOOOOVE to plan and my first family airloom :-) Which I first I appeared to be very ungreatful for which I swear I wasn't and am not I was just very very sleepy!! I didn't go to sleep till 3am and then Kevin and David... like the 5 year olds they are.. woke me at the break of dawn to open presents. It is a glass bauble with a robin inside that's inscribed with "merry christmas always, mum x" ... I will cry at Christmas when she's gone... ooo sobering words there... back to frivolity!!!!

I have eaten so much crap it's really not good.. and I've had so much pop and no water that I'm begining to fizz I'm sure of it. I'm certain the next time I go to the toilet the sound won't be water falling but more the theme tune to the coca cola adverts.. how disturbing would that be?!?! "ahhhhhh much better *distant but very real* -"alwaysss cocccaa coolllaaaa...." .... horror.

I also won £230 on bingo!!! But today I have lost £80 of that trying to win more so.. erm.. woopsie!!! Least it's £150 going off the credit card which is much better than a poke in the eye. I am now away to my bed. I left mum downstairs watching Cranford or something equally as Victoriannly gay.. I swear that programme is only about bonetts, girls who talk in riddles running in a field, falling and men arriving on horses!!

Choo choo tomorrow so I better get an early night... or lie down with the 'lecy blanky on watching porn inbetween more bouts of bingo :-D potato potarto hehe. Night kids xx

On the orders of a Gem Lloyd!

Well it has been a while to be fair so I did need an update!! We have been on many adventures since my last update and things like presents and Christmas trees have appeared!!

Just a quick interjection here.. how fuckin boring is Bette Midler??! She's on the Royal Variety thing right now and I am seriously loosing the will to live.. Anywhooo... I have another reason to update this actually.. to distract me from the searing, harpooning, shocking and sight blurring paid that is epilation.. I mean seriously WHY is wrenching18 tiny hair at the same time from a small patch of skin with a handheld machine so painfull??? And HOW does Carpy manage to do it on her underarms?? I mean really.. She has balls of steel!

Back to adventures, there was an epic adventure with Bambi and Vicky the other day for Kentucky!! That was awesome and the kiddnapping was just brilliant.. I won't elaborate.. that's between us and the wind..... But the best set of adventures so far without doubt is the car rides to the caves! It all started maybe last week when Gem decided we should go for a McFlurry run and end up at the caves.. little did I know the caves consisted of a GIANT morselleum (I really don't think that's spelt right, so we will blame the dyslexia!) and a grave yard with a church...

SO there we were.. just us two.. alone.. in a car whose security measures I seriously question.. debating whether to get out the car. After a much needed fag and a bit of shitting of ourselves.. we got out!!! And Gem and me.. the two most afraid of the dark and ghosts people ever.. ventured into the graveyard to walk between the graves.. why???? Well I don't know to be honest!!!! AND THEN!!! When we got alll the way around and went through the most darkest piece of woodland there has ever been in the history of dark folliege.. a beam of light, so bright my corneas shreaked with pain.. bathed us both.. we looked like deers in headlights about to be kidnapped by aliens.. I have absolutely no shame in confirming we grabbed a hold of each other and clinged to the other persons clothing until we reached the gate and realised it wasn't a space shit or a vortex for the dead.. but instead a car of lesbians!!

The cave adventures got a little spacey the next time around.. there may have been some other things involved that perhaps made my mind wander a little bit... or at least by approximately 67 seconds behind the rest of everyone elses!! But I tell you that made walking through the pitch black woods that extra bit weird.. I could NOT tell for the life of me if I was dreaming or awake.. And for one very particular spot I truely belived I was part of the film The Blair Witch because from absolutely no where Vicky (who joined on this most amazing car drive), SCREAMED (I think...) "wheres the path???!!!!!" ... well freaked me the fuck out. Where was thepath??! Am I awake?? Who is with us?? What do we do if we can't get back???!!!

I started to sober up a little bit on the country car ride.. which I don't remember to be honest.. but was awake and very blurry eyed in time for the kebab van man who had THE most hilarious accent.. serkously you had to be there but the way he BARKED "ONNIIOOOOONS???" to this poor unsuspecting kebab wanting individual was the most funny thing I've ever heard.. me and Gem were literally having a wee behind the van and we just left poor Vicky to giggle and continue waiting for the chips.... for which there were MANY. That was the largest box of chips cheese and mayonnaise I have ever seen in my life.. and quite frankly.. because I was starving by that point.. the best meal I have ever experienced.. until the following day when the cheese seemed to want to make a rather rapid exit.......

Ahhhh good times though!! The tree is up wooohooooo and it is beautiful.. so so pretty. Doug is doing well! Vicky said to be the other week that he was proper fat.. I was like no he isn't!! He is just big boned, he's a big lad!!!! I was going to take proper offence until I read his food bag that said "300 days of food" and realised I'd used half of it in two months.. so I was wrong, he's not big boned at all, he is a rate fat bugger!!!! Morbidly obese?? I THINK SO!! I told him today he was going to stay with Aunty Gemma for 8 days.. I took his opened mouth, kaola bear ears and sneezing as confirmation he was excited!

Well my avid fans I must be away to my bed.. I have epilated one half of one leg and have decided it simply isn't worth it!! So I will be spray tanned hairy.. I don't mind!! Anywho folks, the next update will probably be on Monday when I am on my way to my mummys for Christmas WOOOOHHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Have an amazing rest of the week.. see you later aligator x x x

The day after the move..

Bonjour! It's early morning Tuesday and Tallyman is down WOOHOO!! Means I can update this thing with how the move went last night :-D Well.. it went. As reported on Sunday I had NOT fully packed which was a major error. I have so much stuff left over it is unreal so I am going to have to revisit the place, hopefully with Bambi! To get the rest of the stuff and get out of there because I cannot stand the hoe who I lived with anymore. She is a he/she without a shadow of a doubt!!!! And a grumpy opinionated selfish witch/wizard.

What happend.. as I thnk I reported on Sunday.. was there was an olive oil spill in the kitchen. I cleaned it as best I could with the materials I had available.. which was none of my own because the he/her had stolen or moved them all.. but I will admit it was still really slippy. So anywho, came to move yesterday and she is in the house stomping around, annoyed there are other people in the house making a noise and she goes "do you know where my mop is?".. "which one?" .. she sighs.. "my one the one from in there".. "oh probably outside drying".. then the cow roles her eyes, lets out a bigger sigh and stomps off shouting back "I can assume it's full of grease then".. so I shouted back "well I did wash it in warm water" .. and what I got in response was "yeah like the floor and a slam of the door". I was so ready to punch that bitch out but I figured sack it.. I am busy, I can't be bothered with a police record and in less than 48 hours I will never have to see her again.

I was proper suprised by how smooth the actual move went to be fair! The lads bless them were so tall and strong that they managed some how to get the sofa and the TV cabinet up there with pretty much minimal errorage! I say that.. there was a nose bleeding incident and a very cut hand but.. meh! Waasnae me that was bleeding! hehe.

All moved in we decided to go to the sausage tree which may have been a minor drunken error.. i had 3 bottles of Frulli.. beautiful beautiful strawberry beer! But it did make unpacking quite entertaining. OMEGA I nearly broke my new TV!! Didn't read the stand instructions so just sort of lobbed it on, went to turn my back on it and caught it mid air as it was falling.. I would have absolutely cried my eyes out if that had broken. So excited to get it proper up and running now I've seen it out the box though, it looks so goooood.

So onto the first night/morning in the new house.... COLD. Overwhelming feelings are cold. The radiator in the new place doesn't work so my room is about minus a million. How poor Doug survived I will never know! Probably actually because he was up ALL night chewing the bars and pushing things around to make clinky clunky noises. Arse!!!

The rush for the shower though really suprised me because there wasn't one! NINE people living in the same place and not one person was in either of the bathrooms.. good times!!! The shower though.. that is another story. It is one of those really old skanky ones with a broken head so water was shooting everywhere!!! I was literally running around in the bath going "am I wet I am wet!??!?!" .. and THEN because the temperature was a bit high, I tried to move it to cold and I am DAMN sure that the fecker went "hmm messing with the controls eh?? BURN HER!!!!" ... I probably have massive welts on my back from the scolding.

SO after my scorching shower (just to note here my skin is amazingly soft!! Maybe it melted it down to the next layer??) .. I realised I had not brough my iron.. error.. I have NO crinkle free clothes for work.. So at 8.15 I had to peg it to tesco, buy some horrid tesco own work trousers which make me look like some sort of clown and a top I have realised it horrifically similar to Vickys... twin error again!! OMEGA however I saw an amazing wonderment of nature... on the way to work I saw a mouse.. a proper mouse.. FROZEN in mid run!!! No scratch on it, no blood nothing.. a brand new mouse just there.. frozen.. amaazing.

Well I better do some work now I guess.. I need to get the internet at home because it sucks major arse that I can't get facebook here.. Catch you on the flip side xx

The week before the move

Hello you! Thanks for coming back :-) How was your week? Well mine was.. pretty much a week to be fair!! I had Monday off and I GENUINELY cannot remember what the hell I did on that day. I'd like to think I had a lie in.. OH I think I packed.. I THINK. OH and I also went to get a pizza and a McFlurry with Gem which was aces.

Tuesday was back to work and I will admit.. that was one of the longest and hardest days in SQD so far. I had basically done some audits for customer services and quite rightly had marked down because none of them had asked these people "where are you getting £75k from to redeem your mortgage yourself?"... SURELY that is anti money laundering training kicking in right?? So I agrued and argued the point and it was eventually accepted.. but not that week. The deal was they change the way they question as long as the marks on this audit were changed to not include my CORRECT marking.. grrrr so that took about 3 hours of my time at least to change over all the audits and sit with the team leaders to argue my case.. that is taught in BASIC BLOODY TRAINING!! Grrrr can you tell?!??!

I've done my target for the month though so virtual high 5 woop woop. Let us move onto the weekend as that is muchos more fun! Friday (weekend starts Friday as I had the day off) .. was NOT as it turned out my day off.. I had instead to come in and do my appraisal for work. I hate having to justify on paper why I deserve a pay rise and a bonus when I worked by fecking socks off this year and the evidence is all around.. for example in the certified trainer certificate on the wall.. or the training manual I made in every single folder in Collections and SQD.. or the £65 vouchers I got for going well well well over my target for audits and quality checks. But meh.. had to be done so I gave myself all top marks.. cocky much ;-) well no actually for all the above! YEEEEAH!!

To be fair even though I spent the whole day in work, it was actually a right laugh. I completely distracted Vicky and Scott from their work, came up with a genius solution to Bambi's poor skin and had KFC!! I also came in in my green spider man hoody and when my boss Andrew came over to speak to me, I put the hood up and made him laugh.. but o man his laugh is something else! It's like a childs with a hint of man, seasoned in a woman! Loud, girly and sweet doesn't come close :-D Haha and the whole of our team were giggling like fools when I was trying to explain that my new house is on quite a leafy road. Andrew (commenting on the lack of leafs on trees now) said "well it isn't anymore".. and from NOWHERE like the absolute FOOL I am, shouted back (almost hysterically) "WHY WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THEM??" - Like he went out on his lunch hour to steal all the leafs??!? We had amazing mental images of his car vibrating, fit to burst with leafs hehe. Silly.

Of course Friday was McFlurry day and we went on what can only be described as a road trip to the unknown.. we were driving around in the country (can't say where in case we accused of stalking.. which was exactly what was happening) and she took us down this single track country road.. that got smaller... then smaller.. till eventually we were pretty much just driving between hedges down a foot path it was rate scary! And on this little grass island was a long bin bag that I swear to God had a body in it.. bleerhrhhrhrhffggh. Scary.

But speaking of McFlurrys.. I've decided I will no longer have them. Shocking I know!!! But I am SO tired of waking up feeling so sick and wanting to die simply for some processed ice cream that, lets face it, is only making me fat! So from this day forward I will no longer be having any dairy apart from the small amount of milk I will have in cereal every now and then. And if I have toast, I will allow myself one cup of tea. Good times.

Now.. like Monday I have ZERO memory of Saturday day. I believe there was rugby and football which leads me to believe I was lying down... I cannot confirm this at this point. Saturday evening though was rockin'! I went to a pub I've never been before and not only did they do raspberry sambucas, my fav.. but they did them for £2.45.. for a double!! AND THEN not only did they have double blackcurrant sourz.. they had them for £2!!!!!! Without a shadow of a doubt this will now be my new haunt. O'neils?? NO THANK YOU! I have almost free alcohol a sneeze away!

Oh I don't know why sneeze reminded me of this but my Wii came Monday a WOO HOO! Wanted one for ever so long. YAY.

Sunday.. which is today.. has been an ever such a long day. I first went shopping with Vicky and got new curtains and some candles. I then was joined by Tim and Gem to build my wardrobe at the new place. It was brill but took so long!! And there was burnage also hehe, basically what happened was I was pulling the screw out of the curtain pole to put up the new curtains whilst a candle was burning on the window sill. I completely forgot it was there and immediately felt a burning sensation. Practically knocking Tim out, I threw my arm away and shouted "FIRE!!!" in a rather over dramatic way.. given that I wasn't burnt and there was no actual fire. Close though!!!

And now I am home. I just ate the worlds largest indian and if anyone had seen me they truely would have thought I was raised on a farm and learnt to eat in a trough. I was going for the popodoms like they were going extinct and people were fighting me for them! I had literally grabbed the yoghurt, held the brown bag with the popodoms in it and huddled myself into the corner of the kitchen making small grunting noises of popodom appreciation. OH and the sauce!! I've ordered there on pretty much every day of the week in the year I have lived in Wycombe and can confidently confirm that Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursday are the best days to order a tikka masala from that place, I absolutely adore how processed orange and creamy the sauce is. Mmmmmm - again!

So I'm winding down now, about to stick on Friends series 9 and fall asleep for the last time in Tadros court house. It's been a good house and a wonderful host to several parties. But it is time to move on before I end up doing a stretch is prison for the murder of the man-woman who has moved in... for I hate her quite considerably :-)

Good night people, have an amazing week and catch me on Sunday.. night night x

Ahh a long weekend.. Glorious!

Ey up!! This is my first blog since July 2008 and I am quite inexplicably really excited about it! I seem to relish every opportunity I get to tell the world what's going on in.. to quote my boss "Rowlands Land". So seen as over a years worth of information is quite a big chunk to write about.. and I want people to read this and not get bored.. I think I will stick to just writing about how my long weekend has been so far.. :-)

Well Thursday is actually where I will start.. sorry for the lie there but meh! Thursday was epic because that was the day I got my vouchers from work, all £65 worth WOOP WOOP! Now I know that doesn't sound like much of a bonus but we don't normally get incentives and this one was to recognise all the hard work I put in going well over my target and getting 100% on my quality checks! That's right.. I'm ace. So all of you lot out there who think I'm too harsh well with my marking.. get over it! I'm ace!!

So Thursday was the last I was in work. Friday I had taken off because I had some spare holiday which had to be used by the end of the year and I figured seen as I'm moving soon and all I do when I get home fom work is sit in front of the TV pissing my life away in a pool of my own drool.. I better crack on packing some boxes... which didn't exactly go to plan.. more EPICNESS happened instead!!!!! First off was the lie in.. glorious.. simply wonderful. Then it was email from Vicky asking if I wanted to go to Asda.. now .. I don't know about anyone else but I love a supermarket! Get me in there, get me weighing up the costs and the benefits of the multi buy deals and I'm happy... I love to mock their deals as well such as at the moment, Asda have chocolate milkshake on offer 2 for £2 .. bargin you say?! Correct!!! But then again.. not really seen as it's £2 for 2 of £1 for 1.... I mean seriously why waste a tree to print off a "MEGA DEAL ON MILKSHAKES!!!".. when actually all that has happened is people will go "ooo well I might as well get two...".. oh actually Ihave just written why they do it.. to reel in slow people who are attracted to shiny glossed cardboard.. me :-)

But that wasn't really the epic-ness (sorry just to interupt this bit.. don't go to the Asda in High Wycombe if you are petrified of a) father christmas, b) scarily life sized versions of father christmas, or c) scarily life sized versions of father christmas having an epileptic fit in the door way, blocking your entrance to the store.....).. No the epic-ness was going to get a tattoo I have wanted for approximately forever.. rough guess. It is the tetragrammaton on my right wrist. I adore it it is beautiful and I love it when people ask what it means... I tell them a little bit about it.. they scoff and then I proper go into and they are all "oh.. right, this is actually quite cool". I'm aware.. thank you!

I had that done with my bestest fwend Gem who got the most beautiful band around her arm, it truely is lovely. The woman who did it though.. I'm toying between her being lovely and slightly mental.. For example.. from NO WHERE!!! we started talking about double vaginas?????? Then onto ailments we all had because I couldn't stop hiccuping.. only to discover she has botox put in her bladder to stop constant pissing!!.. Nice to know you're in a potential urine drenched tattoo parlour with needles being dragged across your skin.. good times good times.

The fun of Friday then moved on to the almost weekly ritual of Vicky driving us all around the world to get a Macdonalds, talk shit, bitch till one of us starts to bleeds from the ears and or eyes, and generally try and spot wildlife! One amazing journey once took us to Comedy Dave's house where to start off the evening I littered his garden with a snotty tissue.. hehe.. we then drove down a country lane and in quick succession saw a rabbit, a badger, a rat and then A U.F.O!!!!! And not just one my friend.. TWO!! I took pictures and everything.

This Friday though we had company. Gem and Tim came for the ride too and we had so much fun in Macdonalds. First off was the lightsabre duel me and Vicky had with our happy meal suprises.. then there was Gemma's dry ice milkshake haha, then they all asked me a question and instead of replying like a human, I made a growling burp noise! Honestly my face was one of abject HORROR as it rose through my asophagus and then out into the air! What was weird though is in my head, I knew it was coming and my mental inside voice put on a proper proper polite english accent and said "oh dear this won't be pleasant!" .. safe to say we all rolled about laughing. Our Macdonalds time ended with me nearly ending up with a light sabre in my spine, rocketed through my chest with the force of the collision between Gem and Vicky's fight lol.

There was then arguments over U.F.Os with Tim.. we won't go there though!! But the night ended well and we had a proper laugh! Now.. I have completely lost all trach of time. I am lead to believe it is Sunday but to fair it could be Saturday, Sunday, June.. I really haven't got a clue because I have sat on the same sofa, staring at the same screen and not breathing in any fresh air since Friday.. I'm begining to wonder if my legs still work to be honest!! Imagine ... "Sorry I can't come to work.. I've lost the use of my legs through shere laziness!!"

Actually I have again lied to you.. what in fact actually happened on Saturday is I did some packing.. WOOT! And you know when you are just going through your things and all of a sudden a lost treasure appears?? Well TWO appeared for me. One was my ex's man purse! It is this purple little bad with a gold chain where he kept his hayfever medicine and other bits and bobs. I opened it up and found indegestian pills yay! but most randomly.. his car keys??! How the smeg did that happen and how has he a) not noticed in 2 years and b) managed to sell the car without the keys??!??! I then found the best treasure.. my old Song Erricson, which was ace because I have just really recently got a new Song Erricson so I was able to charge it. Out of this proper old phone came a million memories and approx. 12 thousand videos from uni days! It was simply superb and hilarious to watch them back. That really was an awesome find :)

So anyway.. that pretty much sums up my long weekend so far! I have tomorrow off which will be brill because I really do honestly intend to do some serious packing.. Honestly! If not.. well I will still be here.. maybe watching homes under the hammer.. having a snooze in the afters watching a channel 5 drama :-) .. have a wonderful evening and weekend guys... xxx