I've Been a Wee Busy Bee Me!

There is a new Scottish guy in my room! However, he doesn't have blue eyes or blonde hair which is my usual prerequisites before jumping on a person, but he IS Scottish. YAY! Love Scottishness :D

I've been very busy today. And I have also discovered coffee and a love for prunes on my weetabix. I have also discovered that these three things put together make for quite considerable belly ache if you are not within immediate walking distance of the toilet. Will need to work on the balance of eating and drinking these items together before I errupt or my room mates are rocket propelled into the walls by any slight coffee/prune escapage...

But yes.. anyway. Moving quite swiftly on...busy. I went to bed late so waking up at 10am was acceptable. I washed my whole duvet because it occured to me whilst watching the bed changing teams that all they do is change the duvet cover (or dunna cover as the Aussies would say). This means that people who have slept in the beds for weeks.. or months.. will leave with them all their sweat and probably vomit. I don't know about you but I am not particually down with other folks sweat and vomit mixing with my own. So a nice thorough, high temperature wash and tumble dry was in order. It now smells pretty :-) times of good.

I then met Mr Scottish and had a talk with him. He seems nice enough and supports both Man U and Rangers so we had a good football talk to, slagging off the poor financial decisions Rangers have made this season and debating whether Ally will get a bit better as time goes on. He then confirmed he loves the F1 too - I have met a legend!

I was off then to Victoria market armed with a list of things to buy. I filled my 30 litre RAF bag to the limit with veg, fruit and meat and bought a pair of joggers to kick start the fitness regime I am yet to plan. I was however slightly very MIFFED at the stupid Chinese woman who served me at the butchers part of the market. I asked for 1kg of minced beef which she provided at a very hefty sum of $8.60. I handed my money over slightly confused about how much that was, walked round the corner and saw the exact same meat sold by another butcher for $2.95 per kg. Robbing Chinesers!!

THEN I did a dickheaded thing and panic bought a kitchen item. The market was shutting up shop and I desperately needed a tin opener. I looked around and the cheapest was $5. I then spotted a massive tool thing for $3 that boasted being a knife grinder, a pizza cutter, a garlic press, a tin opener and a bottle opener. I was so impressed I just launched the money at the man and ran away in case he realised what he had just sold me for so little without properly reading the back of the packet. When I got back I realised it wasn't at all any of those things but was infact just a knife grinder and the other things were additional products you could buy in that range. I didn't realise this though till I had tried really hard to peel a carrot with it and bash the garlic to smitherines. In front of people. Embarrasing. It got worse when I had to apologise and ask people not to judge me when I went back into the bin to fetch the packaging to find out just why on earth I couldn't get the pizza cutter out of it.

In the end, with the correct tools provided by the hostel, I made a really really lot of bologanise which is now resting merrily in the freezer. I have ten tons of veg left over so tomorrow I will make fajitas to freeze. Tomorrow too I intend to spend on the beach reading. Might as well get the quiet time in before I start working. I've applied for an evening job for after normal working hours in the office, and provided I get it it should be cash in hand and pay for my rent every week doing 3 shifts so.. fingers crossed!!

Tonight Matthew I shall mainly be watching the F1 . That finishes at 12.45am my time and then at 1am it is Man U vs Arseholes so I think I'm going to have to be wide awake for that. Therefore I better go make some more coffee.. and stay away from the prunes.

In a while crocdile.

Melbboouurrnneeee

Ah man I have been shite at updating you lot!! To be honest though there hasn't been much to tell you.

I was stopped by customs actually! And they conviscated my bag which was a tad embarrasing as the whole scene was witnessed by 200 ish other people. I found out that Australian border control is REALLY UNFORGIVABLY STRICT!!! I had forgotten I had my trekkin shoes in the bottom of my RAF bag which were full on covered in soil. It's illegal to bring soil from t'other countries into Aus apparently.. or something like that.. so yeah, had to give them the bag to go and clean. Which you know is sort of a bonus because they did give it back to me and it and my shoes were nice and clean so, can't complain really! it was just a ball ache having to wait around 20 minutes for the cleaning to be done when I was shattered and I was starting to get a hangover from too many free gin and tonics. Thank you Emirates - sincerly. That was a class flight.

I arrived at the Coffee Palace (CP) hostel in Melbourne, escorted by an amazing guy from Cyprus who took us on a sort of unofficial midnight tour. He attempted to point out the NAB office by saying it was a giant rubix cube but I just couldn't see it. Later on in the week when I did a tour of the city I immediately saw what he meant and he is correct, the NAB head office in Melbourne is indeed a giant rubix cube!

The folk at the CP were really nice and I met Marielle, Kev, Paul, Lisa and D'Lara - all German and all in the same room. The word Palace in the title though is ever so slightly misleading... there were mice and bed bugs everywhere. Marielle found one in her bag eating her crackers!! So I moved out after 4 nights into a place called the Ritz for Backpackers. Apparently I have secured the best bed in the best room of the hostel which is groovy - our room is sort of unique in that we have a kitchen area, a fridge and a toilet - the others don't and I've seen the others too.. pretty cramped with limited storage where as ours is huuuuuge with tons of storage!!

I today decided I would like some stability so have booked in here till at least the start of January and depending on how things go, will keep with it till end of March when I look to move on to Adelaide. I've met some really good people here like Angie, Ronan, Becca, Claire and Louis but R, B and L have gone to Brisbane and A is leaving in 3 weeks. C moves out this weekend :( Ronan used to wake me up at 2-3am pissed for a hug and to tell me about his day, and then randomly tuck me in at 5am so I will miss him loads lol. And Becca and Louis are sooooo funny!! One day I will have to meet back up with them because they proper rule!!

I sort of have a job. It was confirmed yesterday I had a job doing inbound collections and this morning had a phone call to say everything was sorted and pay rates were confirmed and was just waiting for paperwork and start date. 5 hours later I get another phone call saying that offer to me has actually been withdrawn because they think I can do so much better in their company so they are apparently trying to get HR to sign off on an outbound role for me with more money.. but its not a formal offer and is going to take longer to come through so I am faced with the prospect of waiting for this job to happen and at the end of next week, have nothing.

And it is STUPID expensive to live here. There is no Primark or equivilant for clothes so today I spent $100 on 2 pairs of trousers, 2 vest tops, a bra and a pair of shoes. All were in the sale as well!! However I have found out that Topshop deliver to Australia for free so LOOK OUT TOPSHOP ONLINE!! Rowlands is coming...

Capstone/Acenden crew.. I have sent you a postcard :D And thankfully I bought two of the same card because I wrote the address completely wrong. Talk about repression haha already forgotten where you are!!

Ooooh I went on a Great Ocean Road tour for the day on Tuesday and it was fantastic. The weather was beyond perfect, I met a lovely couple called Roy and Joanna, the tour guide Anthony was HILARIOUS!! and of course married.. aren't they all. The views were amazing and I went in a helicopter!!! it probably wasn't worth the $75 I paid for it because it was only 6 minutes but at least I can say I have been in a helicopter now :D

I've had a realllllly bad hair cut. It was already fudgingly short because the stupid Thai woman cut it so short but it was straggly at the back so I asked this hairdresser here in Melbourne to just tidy it up for me and she has basically made it so short it looks like I've shaved it on grade 2. I look like an ugly Russian shotputter on a bad 70's throw back day because she left my fringe as it was. Such bad times.

They are doing school disco night tomorrow night so I guess I will go to that. I need to get my sleeping pattern back in order ready to start working 9-5 shifts so I'm going to try proper hard to get up at 9am tomorrow and go explore the city a bit more tomorrow. I want to go see the cathedrals.. or I may wake up, look at the weather and go read on the beach. I am reading The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown at the moment and my heart actually races with fear for the characters!!! Going to go read some now actually... have a super fun day you lot - its 10pm here :D

Seriously...

EVERYTHING I see, go past, look up.. reminds me of Craig.

1. I go to Cambodia and the ONLY knickers in Siem Reap are CK ones so I am walking around with his name on my arse all day long
2. I go to Singapore and what are they advertising on MASSIVE building wide advert screens?? CK
   
3. I go to look up where Nichlson street is in Melbourne and the street next to the WRONG Nicholson street on Google maps is Calder street (Craig's dogs name)
4. I look up the CORRECT Nicholson street and the street next to it is called Elgin street!! (Elgin is where his daughter was born)
5. I meet 3 Scottish lads today.. loose connection I know but still.. Scottish
6. I go to a museums and see war stuff and planes and think "Craig would love this"

I will eventually just get over it and the references I see everywhere will just disappear but GRRRRR it's everyyywwhere!!!! Just a quick message to say hi and sorry would be nice.

Blog From The Plane..

Holy fup I'm on tha plane so! It was no touch and go whether I would make it this time. I was right fucking there waiting at 4am to begin check in at 12.30pm, and I was the first at the gate, holding onto the railings whilst staring at the stationary plane, praying the fudgher wouldn't disappear should I blink for too long.. which was a major possiblity given I haven't slept in what seems at least 17 years now.

I am a bit pissed to be honest. I've hardly eaten and I certainly haven't slept but I've had a few gins and tonics to celebrate the fact I manage to catch the flight without taking out my credit card again. The nice Emirates people are due to provide a snack actually.. where is my snack?! I'm peckish.

I'm also slightly delirious I think from the lack of sleep. I've been watching Michael MacIntyre's comedy road show on my own seat telly box, with massive headphones covering my mini ears, with the volume turned to the max because once again, I'm sat next to the twatting engine, giggling to myself like a complete nob. SQD you will know.. you know when we are all sat there nice and quiet listening to our calls, when suddenly, usually listening to one of Alistair's calls, I burst out laughing so loudly people jump?? That is the current scenario on the plane. Australian people are staring at the pissed, huge under eye bagged English girl who smells of yesterday's old clothes.. with come caution. The older ones look a lil afraid..

OMG there is a girl sat next to me though with the smallest feet on earth. She is like foot elf or something. It creeps me out where she fits them into the little storage flap on the chair infront. Shouldn't be allowed. I'm scared.

Oh fuck they just turned off the lights. It can't be bed time though, it's ten to eight and I haven't had my baguette snack dammit!! I'm going to have to go and punch a nicely dressed member of staff that speaks Korean in the face and demand a nicely dressed chicken sandwich and another gin.. brb.

KLIA: Welcome to My Fuck Awful Day

So. I'm not in Australia. I am in KL international airport sulking on a freezing cold floor, blogging through a snotty stuffed up nose from crying because I am a complete and utter absolute useless, fucking dickhead nobscratching twat head.

I missed my flight.. because I am all of the above. I read that the flight takes 7.5 hours.. so somewhere in my head that meant I was leaving at 7.30. Why?? I have no bastard clue. My flight left at 3.30pm and I arrived at the airport a pleasant hour and 15 minutes later. I casually looked at the board, figured my flight wasn't on there yet because I was nice and early. Had a lovely sit down, a bit of a people watch. Then it dawned on me.. how if my flight is at 7.30pm will I arrive at 1.05am in Australia if they are an hour ahead? I tried to do the maths which was really difficult given my retardation, and slowly but surely every muscle tensed and my pupils enlarged. Brain kicks the legs into gear and begins to panic slap my face for me.. “run bear.. run right now to Customer Services. Oh and lie. Tell them there was a traffic jam”.

So I did as my brain told me to. Lied through my teeth. Cried genuine but slightly more dramatic than necessary tears to get them to waive the flight fee. They did not. I paid £400 for a new flight which STA won't cover, which Emirates won't waive and which the shitey pointless insurance company refuse to pay. I was given the option of going home as well for an extra £200. I was in such a state that I actually gasped for air inbetween each word: “can.. you.. tell.. me.. how.. much.. Manchester.. is pleeeeease??” *huge massive gulping sob.*

Now I have 17 hours to kill in the airport. And I'm cold and tired. I am sat at what appears to be the only plug socket in the airport on the cold marble floor which of course means that I will no doubt get a terrible cold from sitting here too long which will lower my immune system and then I will get malaria. I will be taken to hospital via a helicopter which will of course crash in the bush and will then wake up being eaten alive by tarantulas. As is my luck I will survive but with hideous facial scaring and no hands, and live in a nursing home that stinks of wee for the rest of my pointless, handless and, due to face hideousness, sexless life. Ahhhh..... sigh.

At least there was one semi funny incident. My taxi driver seemed a bit obsessed with me. He kept asking me questions about my family and family life in England. He was completely bemused by the idea that my biological father is a cock and won't talk to me/bother attempting to get in contact, and can't understand why the lads have difficulty getting jobs in rich Eng-er-landski. After a proper barrage of questions came an awkward silence so I bombarded him with some. “Are you married and have kids?” And like it was oh so very normal, he proudly announces “yes TWO!” “two kids?” I asked. “No, no. 5 kids 2 wife.” I was totally shocked! SO I asked if they knew about each other and lived in the same house, and again, like I was asking a really dumb arse questions he replies “my, no. The wives know of each other but they do not like each other. They quarrel”. Apparently the kids don't even like each other and he can marry another 2 women if he fancies!! Crazy Muslim laws.

Right I'm going to go. I have purchased puzzle books to make the hours go faster and I need something fizzy. I'm not sure I can move my arse though.. being underwearless on a cold floor really creeps under the arse cheeks :-/ So.. HOPEFULLY.. maybe... blog from Aus. Or the bush once the helicopter has crashed. It will take me awhile to type with my nose though once my hands have been mauled off so expect an update in around 7 weeks.

Ta-ra.

Kuala Lumpur: Towers, Sewer Man, Blisters, Knickers Incident

Ok I have missed out Koh Phangan, Siem Reap and Singapore. I will blog about them later on!!

It's my last night in KL before Melbourne. I'm so nervous!! Also, after the mass bloggage update I'm finding it weird writing in the present tense. Actual to the minute expression of emotion! I am loving being able to find half a second to blog though. I have either been too busy talking to people back home or exploring, or just too damn exhausted to write.. and I only like to write when I have something funny to say.

So KL has been interesting. I arrived proper late in the evening and I didn't think they were going to let me check in. As I stepped out of the cab (which stank of bad breath.. Tsion will understand..) I almost stepped on a cockroach.. a fantastic introduction to the city! It didn't get better when the next morning I went for an exploration of my block and walked the wrong way right into the filthiest part of the city away from the city centre. It was horrid. There were thousands of men wearing dirty clothes and no shoes trying to push the white girl into their shops, it stank of excrement everywhere and you could choke on the fumes from the old cars. I went back to the hostel in a complete huff lol and announced via facebook that I would NEVER be coming back. I sat with a lad I was sharing a room with, Michael from Switzerland and had a proper good bitch! He was so interesting bless him and has been everywhere!! I learnt about his family and what he does on festive occasions.. such as did you know for Halloween they don't dress up and have parties, instead they go to the graveyards to pay respect then go and eat shit loads in restaurants?! And in Switzerland they open their presents on the 24^th, not the 25^th December!?? I correctly and sternly warned him this was not correct and he needs to inform his governemnt.

But despite the horrendous morning I figured I am here, I should see the sites so I asked for actual directions in the evening and went to take some photos. And to be fair.. I took some amazing photos!! the Towers are beautiful at night and there are lights dangling from every tree on the lead up to the city which makes the place look so much nicer. I had a great night exploring until it got to be about 10.30pm and I still couldn't find my way home. I wasn't going to use a taxi because I had been warned they can be dangerous and if they don't mug/sell you into the sex slave trade, they will at the very least over charge extortionately so I powered on and trudged through the city. I was about to walk up to a guy and ask for help because he was the only one around when I saw him pick up the drain grating on the pavement, look inside and then climb in. It was then I noticed he wasn't a black man as thought, but actually an Asian covered in dirt. And he lived in the sewer. Horror and fied. I was shizzing myself big time. It was a few moments after that that I finally located the hostel.

I was meant to get up at 6am to go and queue for the skybridge between the Petronas Towers but that didn't go well. I woke up at 11.30am and got out of bed at 12pm. I deserved a lie in after yesterdays horrificness! I decided instead to go and have a wander around the KLCC which is a lovely large park surrounding the Towers, and then go and visit the Aquarium. Oh last night also I bought a pair of flip flops which looked way comfy. I can confirm from my walk in the park and my walk back to the hostel afterwards.. they are NOT comfy. I have huge giant blisters on the soles of my feet which have made walking slightly awkward. I look a bit like a penguin that's shit itself.

Anywho.. it was in the park I had my knickers incident mentioned in the title. So.. in a nut shell.. I have run out of clean undercrackers. I have been forced to resort to my last clean bikini bottoms which you tie at the sides into a bow. They are a little like a nappy design I guess rather than good old pull on ones which makes them cute but, as I learnt today... unpractical for a lot of walking around. In summary... the knots at the side came undone. And I was wearing a dress. And I was in the park. There were people... there was knickers on the floor. There was shame. SO much shame. I very hurriedly ran to the Aquarium to put them back on. Double knotted the bastards so they couldn't do it again and I have now successfully cut off the blood flow to my legs. Tomorrow on my flight to Melbourne I am just gonna have to go boh! There is no other option.. I'm all out!

The aquarium was pretty darn cool. They had big sharks and cool turtles. I wanted to go diving in the cage with them but you had to book in advance :( ho hum I can just do it in Australia.

I have met two more people today on my travels. They are both sharing my room and are both amaizng. Mark is from Manchester and a fellow United supporter which is groovy :D I have successfully persuaded him that the Half Moon party is better than the Full Moon and Daniel.. wow. He is from Germany and so fucking generous and he has the most amazing stories!! For example, he was travelling through somewhere I have already forgotten when he came across this girl at his hotel bar. She is 17 and about to finish school and even though she is ranked number 3 brightest in her school, her parents can't afford to send her to university. So Daniel has offered to pay to send her to university for 5 years to become a doctor. Wow. Who else would do that for a stranger?! And when he was in Siem Reap, he was only supposed to stay there for 3 days to do the temples but on the last day he took a bike out and stumbled across an orphanage. He ended up staying 3 weeks playing and teaching the kids, then went over to Vietnam to see his friends and bought 87 pairs of shoes for the kids and went back! He has been back a 4-5 times to see them and his heading back over there tomorrow to say goodbye because his year off in Asia has come to an end. He really is an amazing guy and tells his stories in no order and they just roll off his tongue. He really has had some fantastic experiences. I'm very jealous!

Mark is a right laugh though. He was meeting these guys to go and see the Towers tonight and he went out all casual in a T shirt and shorts, and bounced back into the room 10 minutes later, being as Manchester as you could be and goes “I don't like this, this is awful I have to change! The lads are wearing shirts what's this all about?!” … Imagine Pete Kaye funny and you have Mark. I've only known him a matter of hours and already think he is lege!

Tomorrow my flight is 7.30pm so I need to leave around 5pm. That gives me a bit of time to do something but I'm not sure if there is anything else to do in this place. I stumbled across a Rahmadam festival last night which looked pretty cool – lots of noise coming from the mosque and the smells of food were wonderful. I didn't have any because I was stuffed from tea earlier on but I bet it was gorgeous.

Reet.. I best be off! My fingers have been worn down by so much writing I'm not so sure they have identifiable finger prints on them!! which will be an issue when leaving the country because they finger print you on the way in... hmm... tricky. I'll let you know hopefully not from a police cell.

I'll blog you again from Australia folks!!

Sangklaburi – Water Pipe, Tarantulas, Jimmies, Jungle, Hospital

In that order! I'm so so so far behind with my blogging. Since my last update I have been in 3 different countries!! I'm useless but let me try and remember what has happened.

The water pipe trek was aces! We slept in the village elders gaff in tents, drank a hell of a lot of his whiskey which he didn't charge us for, and danced like twats with their village band I guess it was.. there was one guy there who we called Snake Hips because he was really fucking bendy! You know those little giraffe toys that collapse at the knees when you push the bottom?? That was Snake Hips! He was semi toothless, smelt a lil bit but man could that boy dance.

The digging of the water pipe was proper hard work. We were given hoes which we can to carry with us and we had to walk into the jungle through rivers and stuff. At one point we finished digging this stretch so we went to dig somewhere further down. In order to do that though, the contractors had to clear a section of the jungle next to the river so down come all these trees.. and along with them came their inhabitants. Enter screaming. Spiders bigger than I had EVER seen were scrambling along the bank, diving and bobbing in the water and climbing up peoples legs. One of the lads, Michael, had the hugest spider ever wrapped around his left leg and was making its way up. Steph bless her had a poisonous one (I think.. correct me if I'm wrong) on her leg which she squashed! And there were crickets that made the loudest noises – at one point we actually stopped and asked where the drilling was coming from because it sounded like one of those huge drills that go deep into the earth... it was a cricket!!! SO loud I wish I could describe it or had taped it.

The elephant trek was amazing. I got to sit on the elephants shoulders so his ears were flapping my feet. It was really nice that actually because it kept my toes warm and bug free :D the spiders though were mahoosive! They were black and yellow ones which according to Mark are bird eating spiders. He has sent me a link to prove it but I am still unsure hehe. They were in the trees above us and because our elephant was so tall, we were having to duck underneath them and skim their cobwebs. Uber scary but the trek was so much fun. At one point Lucy was falling off the elephant but because of her shock that she was actually falling off, she couldn't speak to warn us!!! I turned around just in time to see her balancing on the balls of her arse cheeks, legs and arms all in the air to pull her back into the basket. Uber funny!!! Her face was amazing!!

We also went to D.R.E.A.M house which is an orphanage set up by a woman called Vic and that is funded by Starfish (Facebook https://www.facebook.com/dreamhouseproject?sk=info and website http://www.starfishdreamproject.org/ if you buy a tshirt for a tenner, you feed a kid for a month. The kids were in school when we got there so a few of us went to do some gardening. We got proper muddy but it was a laugh! I found a snail that was bigger than my head!! Fucking freaky shiz doesn't come close! The story we were told about the kids was pretty heart breaking – all are Burmese apart from Vic's own kid and they have seen some horrid sights like parents being killed. Lucy and Mark both told us all that quite literally a man in a white van goes around and picks kids up in the area to sell them for either sex or for their organs. Quite a sobering thought. So the money is worth it really. I got 2 tshirts and sent one home to mum. I want a blue one too so will have to order when I get to Aus.

The jungle trek was IMMENSE!! it was SO funny!! everyone kept falling down, me, Annie and Mark had a mud fight, Steph made up a song which I contributed to, I accidentally ended up floating down the river a bit too far when we stopped for lunch and had to grab onto a branch. It was after I got out of the river the guys pointed out a tarantula was making its way down to my hand!! Shitting a brick actually happened. A whole brick. We ate a river fish with rice for tea, we drank coffee, Milo, gin, Hong Thong and Coke out of our very own Bamboo cups made from an actual bamboo tree! Mark decorated mine for me which was very sweet, thank you! (I've had to throw it away now though because the bamboo was going moldy :-( sad times). And after all that fun, and playing truth or dare, I was eaten alive. By what? Who knows. The Thai chaperone guys were mystified! I literally had lumps all over my body and was the most itchy I have ever been. I went to the hospital where the English was NOT good. I was injected with God knows what because they couldn't tell me! But after a few days the bumps went down. I was still major fucking itchy though!!

OMG when we got back from the jungle there was a huuuuuuuge gheko in our room!!! Tracy bless her said proper calmly.. “Sarah.. just move away from the window for a second”.. which was really good of her after the jungle because everyone was so damn jumpy. If you made a loud noise or a sudden movement, you immediately assumed it was a spider or something. So as I moved away and looked back at the window, I saw two huge multicoloured legs with a huge tail sticking out above the curtain pole. Further brick shitting. We got Baz who is this teeny little lad, only 19 to come and help. He did nothing but make it fall in the bin and scuttle around the room! Then a Thai bloke came in to twatted it with a curtain pole. It ran away up into the roof where it stayed thankfully.

Oh and there was a spider incident on the jungle trek! When we arrived at the camp there was a masssiiiveeee bird eating spider in a web by the bamboo houses. Baz chucked a dead bug into its web so the spider would eat it, and as it was being wrapped up, the spider fell slightly and was dangling by one leg. Mark had been filming it all on my camera and threw a huge hissy fit! He was petrified!! and ended up lobbing MY camera into the wall!!! I have it all on video, including the bit of him passing it over to a GIRL because he was shaking so much hahaha. Big pansy!!

And then it was Koh Phangan time!!! Which of course will be another blog. Uno momento...