Things That Are New

Night View From New House

Include the following, in headings because I have been the worldest most wankest regular blogger... soz. Alright, like our favourite ITV XFactor and I'm A Celeb presenters... "In NO particular order.. except some of it so it flows nicely..."

New Job!
FINALLY. After 6 weeks of applications, of applying WAY to much foundation because the light in the upstairs attic bedroom was insufficient and turning up to agencies interviews with patches of extremely orange skin, and of lying down dreaming of my dream house watching back to back episodes of Location Location Location.. I have found a job! I am now a telephone negotiator for for a company in Sheffield and I think it is going to be pretty easy to get on with. I am really looking forward to being quite dominate in the stats and they have recently introduced service quality auditing and don't have a service quality department yet. HELLO RUNNING OWN DEPARTMENT!! That could be useful to set me up if I got that opportunity. I'd love that!

New House!

Morning View From New House

As the job is in Sheffield and my mum lives in Chesterfield, it was going to cost £360 in petrol just to get to work!! So to save a wee bit of money I have decided instead to just live near work and what an absolute IDEAL situation presented itself. On spareroom.com I saw an advert for what looked like a nice house with all bills included 10 minutes away from work, pop up. It was only £320 a month so I popped down to view it and ooooooooh.... NICE doesn't come close. The garden is stunning, it has a pond with actual fish in it, all the rooms are tiled nicely with underfloor heating.. oooooohhhh, and the view from my room.. ooooohhhhhh! The new housemate John is a dream to live with too - he lkes James Herbert!!Just like me! Score.

New Stitches!

Stitches Day One

I have had a biopsy and I have stitches for the very first time! I discovered a very very dark mole on my side and thought responsibly to go and have that checked out. I also discovered ages ago a lump on my head which I had checked out too. Immediately referred to the hospital, the lovely Dr Lady excavated my mole on my back without giving me a second to think about it, and made an emergency appointment the following week to have the lump removed.

Wound care for the back stitches has been pretty crap. The dressing was making me uber mega itchy so I didn't dress it. And where it said "clean with cotton bud and salty warm water", I tookt this to mean "rub soap into it during daily shower vigourously". The end result is a missing stitch, a rash and ample bruising. Whoopsy?

The lump removal though, different story. Iwasbrickingit.Com.Au/didntwantitdone. Mum came with me, this was only yesterday by the way, and rather than do the whole "you'll be ok, don't worry", she did what only mine and possible Russell Howard's mum would do and constantly under her breath sang the Jaws theme tune.. and mentioned that she could hear drills and solicitors talking about medical negligence.. and said I wouldn't be able to wash my hair for weeks and would be a greasy and grotesquely swollen outcast. So when I went into the room, my imagination was on overdrive. I know full well rationally speaking that there was a lovely Dr who wore a visor to keep everywhere sterile, and I know the two nurses were absolutely lovely and were very nice.

But in my head, the Dr was wearning a death mask to keep her eyes clear from the artery she was going to sever. And the nurses were holding massive meat clevers and a chainsaw. And they were circling me, coming closer and wearing thick black hooded robes. And the room wasn't lovely and white and clean, it was black with orange lava free flowing down the walls and onto the floor they were levitating above which meant I had no means of escape unless I wanted to melt my legs off.

Stitches Day Seven

The death Dr opened her robe to swallow me hole and start the process when a beaming, shining, rescuing angel (the treatment spot light they use for closer looks) decended and the Dr gasped. She said "oh, that looks normal today. Hmm, that probably doesn't need to come off. Oh well you're hear now" - and in that instant, I threw off the heavy chains they had shackled me with, used my wrist ice power spray to cool the lava floor, ninja kicked the chainsaw out of nurse Hatchett's hand and said "NO BITCH, IF IT DON'T NEED DOING I AIN'T BEING DONE!! GO BACK TO HELL, EVIL BEAST!!!!" (please note this is an elaboration, I do not have ice power despite being bitten by a white tail spider during a cold night, and I actually said "oh well if you don't think it needs to be done then I don't mind just leaving it if you are happy to do so?")

And I skipped out of the hospital through a sunny field filled with lavendar to a rainbow where my unicorn was waiting!! (please note this is also an elaboration, I do not have a unicorn and actually I ran to my step dads corsa knocking over people with crutches because it was pelting it down with rain).

New Competition and Bingo Addiction!
Just what every child dreams of having for Christmas! A habit that makes them penniless and sweaty. Seriously I cannot stop. I have just today broken even from being in a profit by £20.00. It's OK though. I shall win back my money in prizes from winning competitions... or as I like to call them.. PRESENTS! I LOVE presents!!! But if any of you would like to be equally as addicted, I have links, a voucher code and I can get you AT LEAST an extra £25 to play with on top of a £10 top up.. you know you want to... come on. Come join me....

New Blog!
I have made a new blog! And I haven't updated it for awhile because I have been so busy doing the above, but it is http://yayteatime.blogspot.com You will find it very informative, sometimes amusing, definitely easy to follow. It is mainly recipes I have stolen from the Internet I won't lie but unless you are a mega chef or a new food item is invented like a crossbred lamb with a mango, how are you supposed to make a new recipe!! But keep your eyes out for it and share it across the world for all to see because I will be putting up some Christmas specific ones next weekend.... also what would that be called? Manglamb? Lamango? Lambang?... 

Latest Picture Of Me, and What I Think A Lamb Crossed With A Mango Would Look Like

Annnnd I think that's about it. I will update you next Sunday I absolutely promise. Be good! And come play binnngoooooo.............

Honey I'm....

.... riddled with parasites! And you thought I was going to say home didn't you :) WELL THAT TOO!!! I'M IN EENNNGGGLLLAAANNNDDD!!!!!! Engerlund nar narrr. Ah Enlgland. God Save the Queen England. Fucked up by Conservative BASTARDS England. Cold and raining England. England home. Home in England. Ahhhh. England.

But yeah parasites. And like a lot of them. Parasites that are currently making 10-20 MILLION cysts A DAY In my small intestines as we speak. Parasites that my friends looks like this...

TELL ME they don't look like very happy balloons with jellyfish legs?? I could not believe it when I googled them. I was full on on my tiptoes on the edge of the sofa, holding my face like it might fall off, eyes the widest they have ever been, mouth open in a not surprised but low moaning horror "baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauurrrghhhhh" noise, willing myself to pass out so I didn't have to digest the fact that those happy jellyfish balloons were in me. Touching my insides. Brushing past me with their tenticles. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuurrghhhhhh.

(interjection: giggle at the bloke who took that picture being called Dick. Hehe. Dick)

And where did they come from I hear you ask? India.

Everyone warned me. They ALL said "don't go Bear you will end up sick." "Don't go there it's horrible and dirty". "You'll come back with parasites" they said. They were correct. All of them. It was insanely dirty, it was incredibly horrible being constantly stared at and touched by creepy men - why is this just accepted as "normal" in that country?? We even got briefed on how normal it was for men to touch and stare. Grrrr.

But most of all, I got sick. On the first night of being sick I spent 13 whole hours throwing up without a break for sleep and sometimes oxygen, drank 15 litres of water and honestly thought I might die. I was in so much pain. I collapsed on the bathroom floor for awhile so I could assess whether it was worth being upright to be sick or whether it would be a sweet release to just choke on it and be done with it all. I have never, ever been so ill in my life as I was that night.

Since then though I haven't been sick too much, just mainly shedding the cysts out my arse! Nice and graphic for you there! I aim to make you laugh whilst gagging. Makes my day go quicker. But due to the shere volume of cycst wastage, I have decided to come home and get medical help - and thank goodness I did because in 2 weeks, I lost a stone in weight and was incredibly dehydrated.

And now I am home some decisions have had to be made. Plan of action is this.. stay and live with my mumbo jumbo for 6 months, hopefully do some volunteering at the hospital after work, learn to drive I guess (boooo) and then make another decision. 6 month decisions seem to work for the best for now.

Oh dear.. need to go. Medicine kicking in. Update again soon!

Goodbye NZ, Hello India

A pavement marking

YO! I learnt yesterday from a fellow traveller that YOLO means "you only live once".. whilst we were on the subject of yo. Anyway - I have left NZ! My Australasia experience has come to a temporary end so I can experience the mentalness of India. And it is mental. But first:

Thank you so much to my Uncle Pete, Aunt Carol and my two gorgeous cousins Carmen and Dean. They were so good to see, were excellent at getting out of bathrooms at speed when there was no stopping the morning after 12 beers vomit, wonderfully regailed me in tails of Africa (which has watered the already planted seed of want to go-ness), and were excellent chefs! I was very well looked after and can't thank them enough for all the effort they went to to make me feel welcome. Cheers guys :) Also, thank you so much for putting the dogs rope toy on the antlers of the goat. That was the most funny thing I have ever seen.

Carmen and me on a road trip!

From my time in NZ I have learnt I like the calm and serenity of no people, but that I miss the beach. If I could pick anywhere in NZ to live it would be the south island, and probably Wanaka. If I was to pick in the world though Australia still tops the list. Melbourne prodominently. Beautiful beaches, amazing city, sport all the time. I miss it dearly. I'll be back.

This is a very normal photo

But right now it's all about India. Without meaning to cause offence, I now completely understand why all of my Indian friends have abandoned their country. It is a shit hole. I have SO many questions:

• why are there no litter bins?
• why is the country so poor? 
• what does India have to trade?
• if it has nothing to trade, why can't we create an industry for them?
• why don't they enforce traffic rules to make it less chaotic? Paint a fucking lane!  

Day One and Two
Day one was pretty much shopping in a local mall and being stared at by locals. And of course meeting the first half of my new crew who I will be rocking around with for the next 5 weeks! All good.

Spade of rice anyone?!

The second day in New Delhi to be honest, apart from meeting the second half of the crew, was a bit shit. First we went to a Sikh temple which was an interesting experience. Shoe less, bandana on, and camera ready we walked around a HEAVING temple learning nothing. Mr Tour Guide was full on shite and pretty much explanied nothing. He whisked us around the temple before he left us slightly stranded with no idea where he had gone in the kitchen, which was to be fair quite an interesting specticle. The temple feeds 20,000 people A DAY from donations given. Can you imagine how much curry this is??!! Check out the pictures and notice there is a pot with a SPADE in it... to shovel rice!! An actual shovelling rice spade!

Ok we got korma, masala, rogan josh and chicken orange!

Next was the gates of India which was swarming with "hawkers" which are people who refuse to move out of your way in an attemp to sell you tat, then for a drive around the presidents house before going to Ghandi's house. For 3 minutes. This seriously fucked me off. I wanted to spend at least 30 minutes in this place learning about him, looking and thinking at his shooting site and generally just taking some time to understand what happened. But no. Mr Tour Guide who we HAD to tip had other ideas. Carpets. Clearly much more important.

Shuffled into a carpet shop we were taught how carpets and rugs were made before being told how "cheap" they were to buy in India as opposed to home. A 3 foot by 2 foot carpet would only cost £250. And if you thought that was too expensive, they would follow you around the shop begging you until you are rescued by the others. The whole day I think was 3 hours, and an hour of that was spent escaping a bloke running after me with various sizes of carpet. Unhappy.

Day Two

The spot where Ghandi was shot

Today we drove from Delhi to Agra and the scale of poverty was displayed - and apparently we didn't even drive through the bad bits! There were people just lying (dead or alive not assessed) on the streets, there was rubbish everywhere in massive massive piles, there were people and children going to the toilet outside their houses, there were herds of cows just lying down on the motorway, and people begging. It was horrible and it was then I started noting down my questions to ask.

The main part of the day though was the visit to the Taj Mahal - a travelling dream of mine for quite some time. I had always imagined my visit to be really spiritual, insightful and peaceful. I imagined padding quietly through the marble floored rooms, in awe of the vast white marbled space, down to the bottom of the room where I assumed would be a shrine where the Dalai Lama sat to offer me, the wisdomus tourist who had travelled so far, some virteous saying.

A beautiful picture taken by Tyler, one of the funniest people I have met!

Reality.. WRONG! Imagine a BILLION people pushing and shoving each other in white net socks in the tiniest room you could imagine on the hottest day the world has ever experienced and you have the Taj Mahal. Whilst it is undeniably absolutely breath taking to see, the experience of being inside it is not how I expected at all. I was completely taken aback by how busy it was.

Perfectly in the middle!

I got to handstand in front of it though - score! Equally matching Del almost :D just got to get to the GWC and have the balls to do it in the middle of the crossing in Tokoyo! Crazy fit as fudge boy.

The evening was really nice. We all went for a nice dinner before heading back to the hotel to drink sensationally out of date beer and play "never have I ever", which of course I shouldn't play seen as I have my mums genetics. Like she said one day "your my daughter for sure. Kinky to the point of whoredom". Too true. Too true.

Alright so I have wrote loads on this blog and I'm pretty knackered so I will update you on days 3-6 in a couple of days - it includes a photo crazy trip to Amber Fort and Palace, henna application, filming Bollywood dancing and chasing a little boy that turned out to be a girl called Dapussy. Awkward.

See you in a couple of days!

The Gang from L to R: Tasha, Allie, Me, Fran, Tyler, Sarah, Sheena, Andy, Louise, Random Indian Boy

A Line on the Horizon...

With only 7 days to go until India and then only 5 weeks until I come home, here is a list of things I have missed whilst I have been away on my year and half adventure around the world...

• Makeup – I haven't had any for ages and I look like a troll. One of the first things I am doing when I get back is going into town and getting a proper decent load of makeup in a new makeup bag with a new facial cleansing toning moisturising regime. OH I can't wait to look pretty again;
• Cornish Pasty – a proper one with vegetables in it and not just a pasty described as “meat”.. what kind of meat people?! WHAT KIND?!!
• Custard – proper custard on rhubarb crumble;
• My mums roast chicken dinner – please :)
• My own bed in my own room – not sharing, where I can watch stuff without headphones, and have my bathroom without someone elses shit stains down the walls. I can have my own!
• Nice clothes – not travel clothes that are worn out and tired;
• Lavender washing powder – OH you have NO idea how much I am looking forward to doing a load of washing and it coming out smelling of something!! Hostel washing powder has no smell so you can't tell if it has actually cleaned your clothes. A fine specimen of a bloke once commented, I have a “womanly clean smell” normally and I want it back! I want to smell like a summers meadow!!
• Asda – ahhhh. Asda. To walk into the shop and know what it is I want and where I will find it. To only spend a pound on cleaning products that are brand named and not $12. Ooooh. Asda.
• Eastenders – I was once up to date. And then I came to New Zealand where it costs $10 a day for 250mb. I am now behind. This displeases me.
• F1 with no adverts – and no stupid Channel 10 retards with their ridiculous excuses for expert commentators. I HATE YOU CHANNEL 10!!! ARGGHHHH!
• Friends – both the constant repeats on Channel 4 and also the real life ones who I loves;
• Family – but not for too long you all drive me mad :D
• Cheap access to Europe – being so far away has made me see how lucky we are in the UK to be able to just hop over to Europe. Whilst I am still able to I think it is essential I do a trip around Europe. See Italy, Portugal, Germany etc etc..

I think that's it for now.. I think.... Should I tell you now I am already considering coming back to NZ in January?! :-P

Bungy Failure, Thrown Out of a Plane, Balls Full of Water, Crashes, Geysers and Timmehhh (South Park for Timmy)

Phew. Some stuff has happened.. more tick off the list stuff! Here it is..

• Attempted to bungy jump
• Skydived
• Watched a geyser explode
• Sat and swam in a geothermically heated pool
• Collected real pumice stone from a real volcano
• Zorbed
• Luged
• Ate a lasagne full of cheese and didn't throw up!

This is Tim!

 And all with an epic travel friend, Tim I met in Lake Tekapo. I shall attempt to describe Timaroo for you - in short he is a hero! Long story.. He makes me laugh, he eats like no other human being I know, loves a pie and an apple struddle (crumble will also suffice), looks like and is a rugby player, can surgically remove a tree and can pot plants. He also forces me to do things I otherwise would have backed out of... such as the following..

So we get to Taupo and it is time to do my 4play thing. This was a bungy jump, a jet boat ride, a helicopter and then a skydive. Things didnt QUITE go to plan... we arrived all bright and bubbly for the bungy jump and I was nervous for sure but also excited to get it off my bucket list because it had been on there since I was 14.

Timmy gets ready with the camera in a scouted out before hand location (bless him), and I shuffled my way with the heavy weight of the bungy cord to the edge of the jump.. and stood very perfectly still. Your man began to give me some words of encouragement. I remained on the ledge. He told me this was the scariest bit and that it's all over in 3 seconds, he told me the fear I was feeling is why people do it.. for the rush... I continued to remain perfectly still.

Nails in mouth.. Thinking

I raised my head VERY GENTLY so as not to catch a sudden gust of wind that could knock me off and looked panickingly for Tim. Still poised with the camera he yells across politely to "hurry the fuck up and jump". I GENTLY shake my head. Your man says "lean forward just a bit and then all you have to do is fall. Go on.. just lean forward"... I leant forward. And Mr Gobshite who apparently couldn't help but say things genuinely said "there you go! You're almost there!"

This time I made a not so gentle move. Backwards. Full fury in my eyes I stared at Gobshite and rather rudely looking back at it now said "well clearly I'm fucking not am I?!! CLEARLY there is a 150 foot drop between me and almost there!! TAKE THE ROPE OFF!"

Your man obediently obeyed. I took a step back and watched a 15 year old and then a 60 year old with a fear of heights jump off. It was then my turn again. I had calmed down but I had to ask Gobshite not to say anything. He agreed. I got to the ledge. Tim was ready... I leant forward. Slightly bent my knees. And with absolutely NO more hesistation... I straightened up and yelled "TAKE THE ROPE OFF THERES NO FUCKING WAY IM DOING FUCKING THAT!!"

I think Tim was exepecting me to be a bit disheartened with the fact I couldn't do it but believe me, I had the BIGGEST smile on my face coming off that ledge. Sure it had cost me $150 but it was a very valuable lesson. I have learnt I do not want to bungy jump. Excellent.

Getting suited up!

Next though was the skydive. Figuring if I wasn't up for a bungy then I probably wasn't up for a skydive but with actual threatening violence in his eyes, Tim pretty much forced me to do it. He wasn't my most favourite person for a minute there but I am glad he made me do it. I have made a big fuss on Facebook about how it was terrible and I wouldn't ever do it again.. but I reckon if I could go up there shit faced, I reckon I would have a really good time! Skydiving is definitely a drunk activity. I liken it to shagging an uggo... gotta be drunk to enjoy it.

The feeling going up was numb. I had no feelings at all. In the door way even.. nothing. But as soon as we started to vertically plummet.. THEN I felt something. I wasn't ever scared it was just that feeling when you go over a bump quickly in the car. Imagine that and then multiply it by almost a billion and make it last for 60 seconds. I couldn't breathe for the feeling. I was gagging on my stomach lining being hoisted into my mouth which forced the rest of my internal organs into my eyes.. hence why in the video you can only see me with my eyes closed.. I was trying to blink my organs back in!!

Just popping out to the shops...

Back on terra firma I had the biggest smile on my face. I was immensly proud of myself. I hadn't cried with adrenaline as I was so sure was going to happen. I landed on my feet and not my arse - bonus. I hadn't passed out from hyperventillating and that menacing "if you don't do it I will be really fucked off" look had gone from Tim's eyes. All was well!

Huka falls in the background with an impressively bearded companion

The helicopter was cancelled which wasn't the end of the world because I got $135 refunded and I've been in a few helicopters already. Meant money towards shipping presents home in my eyes.

The jetboating was EPIC!!!!! Safe and sound doing 360 degree turns, narrowly avoiding trees and river debris, an impressive view of huka falls and a complete soaking. My kinda fun! To finish the day we saw the V8's and then had lamb for tea. Good ending to the day I would say. Seen as I am a poet.

The next day was a day of "mooching" around the shops and visiting Lake Taupo. Did you know the lake is the same size as Singapore and is an underwater volcano?! We picked up some pummice stone from it's eruptions off the beach which was pretty darn cool. I have some coming back to England in the post.. I didn't declare it on the customs form.. hope I don't get in trouble.

The next day though was Rotorua and what a day we had!! It was SO much fun!! We went on the gondola up to a luge place. If you are unfamiliar with luge, think go karting down a mountain on varying degrees of difficulty tracks. It.. was ... AWESOME!!!

It was so awesome in fact that I decided to film the experience. This Sir's was a mistake. I wrapped the camera around my wrist and took off on the advanced track for the first time. This Sir's was another mistake. I was not advanced enough for this course nor was I competant enough in my ablity to strap on a camera to a wrist. Safe to say, the camera flew off. And it flew off hard. In panic at losing my precious just bought very expensive camera, I attempted to stop the luge car to retrieve it. I successfully stopped the car alright. I stopped it dead. Going at like 30mph. After watching my camera fly away into the bush once it smashed into the ground, I watched myself.. from an out of body perspective.. hurtle through the air. I looked down to see the car staying behind me and the ground coming up VERY quickly but in the very far away distance. I lifted my head within millimieters of the tarmac and successfully scraped my helmet across the ground, borrowing like a mole on the end of a drill into the grass. Once my helmet was sufficiently buried into the ground making a sort of ramp of dirt, a mound if you will, my head and neck stayed in that position whilst the rest of my body careered onwards, in search of further glory. It found some by smashing my entire right side of my body onto the floor and then letting me essentially aquaplane myself along to a gentle stop.

Tim and Me on the ski lift thing - I look Chinese

It had all been over in seconds by it felt like at least 30 seconds of accident. I thought I should stay put for awhile to await the pains so I could assess if anything was broken but that thought was put out of my head immediately when I realised where I had crashed.. directly below the lift carrying hundreds of people.. all who were now going "oooooooooooooooooooooooooohhh".... swiftly followed by "jesus.. HAHAHAHAHA!!" I figured I best get up and look like it was all part of the plan so jumped up, actually waved at my audience and then beeming like the plan had worked fabulously, pointed to my camera and said "just gotta go grab that!" Someone clapped, most laughed, and one nice man helped me locate my belongings before he went over the trees.. "your purse is over there, I think your sunglasses are imbedded in that mound of grass and I saw what I think was your iPhone bounce into the bush. Have fun!"...... thanks man.

Upside down and on the side I think this was

 NEXT UP! Wet zorning!! An action packed day we had was completely topped by this. We had two goes at it - first was the straight track and the second was the side winder. We got SOAKED!! and I saw A LOT of Tim I hadn't expected haha!! those shorts were short alright... ;-P

But it was such a good laugh :D If you haven't done it before, you MUST. I definitely plan to do it again it was proper ace.

Lady Knox Geyser

The next day was much more chilled out. I went to see the Lady Knox Geyser which was OK but a bit disappointing really. I don't know why but I had in my head that I would be going to a place that had naturally exploding geysers all over the place but in actual fact it was just one surrounded by benches for tourists. It looked like an ant hill that had been shat on by a thousand seagulls and it was forced to go off with soap. Slight let down but at least I have seen one now.

One of the pools

I also went to the geothermal wonderland park which was interesting but incredibly rainy. It was SO rainy that I didn't explore all of it and at one point, got lost in the rain and thought I had actually wandered off the track! I could feel it was mentally hot under my feet and I was getting big blasts of hot air in my face but I honestly couldn't see where I was. It was ok, I was safe! And I was on track but just very close to a pool that was 100 degrees C.

The colours of some of the pools were stunning - greens and blues and oranges and reds.. all natural from the heat of the volcanos. Incredible really!

This is called the artists pallet. Look at the colours on the left and in the middle by the steam cloud

And then it was time... Time for me to go to Whitanga (most boring place on the Earth so far) and for Tim to go to Auckland. I had an absolutely amazing 9 days with you sunshine and I do miss you already. I will see you in England buddy... 52 days to go!!! xx

The Ghan, Line Dancers, Massive Old Rocks and A Bit Of A Large Canyon

Hia! Ok so next update of the travels...

I have done the following things so I can tick them off my bucket list:

• Travelled on a train for over 25 hours
• Met real life line dancers
• Been to Uluru and learnt about aboriginal culture
• Sat on the very edge of the cliff at Kings Canyon
• Been to a camel race

What a bloody busy time I have had I tell you. I will keep it brief because I have SO much to catch up on but this week of being in Alice Springs was great and it was all thanks to a group of "oldies" I met on The Ghan and The Rock Tour's group and group leader.

I put oldies in quotation marks because they are far from it in spirit. I believe they were all aged between 60 and 80, there were 11 of them, and they all know each other because they have line danced with each other for years.. how amazing is that! They kept me properly entertained on what would have otherwise been a grueling 25 hour train ride with lude remarks about fellow male travellers, by teaching me how to play yatzee, telling me all about their lives and how many kids, grandkids and great grankids they have, and just overall being awesome. They were such good fun. I nearly shat myself at one point though.. Trish who was sat next to me on this sleeper train was fast asleep - as was 97% of the train - and I was just about to doze off myself when from nowhere, Trish turns in her sleep, leans over me and goes "HAHAHA!" right in my face before settling back down and going straight back to sleep. Immediately wide eyed, mouth open in horror stance, body facing and arms clinging to wall with head almost owl liked swivelled to face my night time goblin I started to breathe again. I didn't go to sleep for the rest of the night though.. seriously.

Me and the crew on The Ghan

Alice Springs is an odd place. It's nice and full of vibe but it's also a bit scary because of the amount of drunk aboriginal people there are. This will sound horribly racist but it's fact - the drunk ones shuffle towards you like zombies. It is really, really creepy and I didn't like it at all. Their hands and arms dangle loosely by their sides, their mouths are drooped open and drooling, and they just shuffle without picking up their feet. And almost most of them have dirty damaged clothing on which really emphasises the zombie look.. I know for a fact not all aboriginals in Alice Springs are drunks but I didn't see any.... such a shame.

Me in the crack of Alice

But I didn't go to Alice Springs to check them out.. I came to do what ever single other backpacker does and that is go to Uluru. The trip started amazingly well - Matt (tour guide from Leeds.. ANOTHER LEEDS SIGN!) ran over a kangaroo. The thud was sickening..They are bloody big animals they are!! Poor kanga..

Sun setting in front of Uluru.. Beer in hand

The rest of the tour was brilliant though. The rock was lovely and the stories that go with it were quite sweet... ridiculous in our culture of course and you have to remember they are childrens stories. We weren't told any adult stories because quite simply, only the very high ranking members of the aboriginal society know them.. we white europeans aren't privvy.. which makes it all the more frustrating!! I want to know what secrets this rock holds and why it is sacred. Did you know that the stories behind it have not been written down by aboriginal people and that the majority of the rock has never been photographed/published because you can't take photos of the sacred parts?? I didn't. But if you think about it, it makes sense. I bet you have only really seen the one side of Uluru in the pictures.

Uluru at sunset

We saw Uluru during the day, at sunset and again at sunrise. Sunrise was my favourite I think.. sunset it's meant to change colours and someone told me glimmer... that so doesn't happen. A shadow descends which is why the colour "changes" and there was no shimmery shinyness. Buggers.

We couldn't go to Kata Tjuta on day two because the "controlled" bush fires were out of control... which was a bit gutting but it didn't matter really because instead we went witchetty grub hunting! FUCK-INGGGGG gross is what they are if any of you were wondering. Aboriginal women.. and therefore us for the day.. would go to a specific tree, dig up its roots and look for a bulge in them. If there was a bulge, they were rip the root out and there inside would be a grub (which is the larvae of a moth). I had fun digging until my digging stick snapped in half and went straight through my thigh. That really hurt. And there was blood.

Clever photography by Matt, I am being pulled out of Nutella

Kings Canyon was absolutely stunning. Breath taking doesn't really sum up. We climbed it in the dark before sunrise so we could watch it come up over the canyon. Even in the dark it was beautiful. I of course took some posey ones and my favourite was me sitting on the very edge with a massively massive drop below. It looks like I might have been there for hours pondering and being mysterious.. what really happened is I ran over there lobbing my camera at another woman on the tour and shouted back "take a photo of this would you!!", almost fell down before striking a pose. 7 seconds later I was back on my feet running to get my camera, very pleased with the result. Wish I could have stayed longer but ah well. Tours must stick to schedules and had I stayed longer I really would have been blown by the wind off the cliff. I would have been blogging with 78 broken bones I would imagine.

 Sitting on Kings Canyon

I also, very luckily, got to be in town for the annual Camel Cup race, which is horse racing but with camels. BRILLIANT idea! Matt was taking part so figured I would go check it out and had a good time watching him being full on launched off. Panicked for a moment as I thought he was dead but mayyyy have had a wee giggle when I realised he wasn't paralised ;-P sorry Matt xx

Matt's camel.. minus Matt

And then it was off to Darwin.. back on The Ghan with my line dancers... but that's another blog.

Cheerio.

Adelaide: Trains, Kangaroo Island, Asian Head Slamming, Flu

*coughs in your face*/rasp – Hello. How are you? I'm fine. Apart from carrying the plague but you know, stiff upper lip all English style. Wouldn't want to complain would we. Except I will... I have a cough. I have had a cough which affects my ability to speak like a normal person for around 3 weeks now and I blame it entirely on sleeping in freezing cold conditions. Despite what everyone in England thinks, Australia gets COLD and I have been sleeping in what is effectively a shed. And when I say sleeping, I mean closing my eyes every few minutes post cough. I'm tired. Oh so very tired.

But besides that I have news! I have officially started my tour of Australia – woot! I no longer have an employer, I am free to roam as I please (as long as it stays within the timetable I have made for myself) and I am ready to explore!

My first stop was Melbourne to see my bestest good Australian friends :) one was packing up to move so couldn't see him for too long but the others were the most wonderful hosts – I cannot thank them enough for just being wonderful and accommodating, and also for owning the worlds most comfortable settee. Corrrr and blimey that sucker would have had me for weeks if I wasn't forced to move! We saw the Science Works museum where they had a Wallace and Gromit exhibition on and it reminded me of home so much. They had Weeabix and proper English stuff – Rodney had never heard of W&G before... he was nearly shot on sight. He shall be educated.

Before I knew it, I was on The Great Overland choo choo train. Full of expectations, I thought I would be boarding a luxury train carriage full of fancy dressed people and tea and sandwiches!!.... No. It was just a train with slightly more leg room and sandwiches on sale for $2.00. Slight let down.

The next stop though was Adelaide, SA, which stands for Snooze Avenue (not South Australia as you might have thought). You know if you were to go into town and go to the supermarket or into a clothes shop.. in Adelaide that strip of shops is classified as a tourist attraction, the place is THAT dull. And I'm not kidding – you can look it up in the Lonely Planet guide for proof. I also went to the museum which was kind of cool but mainly fucking boring. I like big displays of mummies or space information or bottled up weird conjoined foetuses!! But instead what I got was 3 floors of aboriginal weaving. I am 100% all up for learning about aboriginal culture and philosophy.. but THREE solid floors of baskets made from different types of reed?! No ta!

And that was the sum total of Adelaide. There is nothing else to do there unless you drink wine and want to take an overly expensive tour to some wineries, what with SA being wine capital of Aus. I did meet some interesting people though. One was a Canadian girl who I am SO sure is actually famous in disguise. I just know her. So sure of it. The other was a Welsh girl from Swansea who has rather jealous makingly become a permanent resident. And the other was a Spanish girl who dressed all hippy like, had a big ring in her nose and who you would think maybe worked on a ganja growing farm. Looks can be deceiving though! It turns out she's not only really bloody clever but she's working on a project for the next 3 years measuring frogs!! FROGS! With tape measures and everything!! It's amazing the type of people you get to meet as you travel.

The best bit of SA though was Kangaroo Island. Whilst it would definitely have been a billion times better in the summer so I could have gone snorkelling and surfing, it was still absolutely wonderful. The tour guide, Greg, was such a legend that I have every intention of sending a letter to Adventure KI to pass on to him so he has my details. I would marry him big time – I'd potentially make him have a shave down to designer stubble instead of full blown face bush, but I'm sure we can discuss that closer to the wedding. Such a nice man.

He took us to a wool shed where we learnt how to sheer sheep, we went to an emu farm for dinner and a proper good sniff of emu oil (did you know that stuff does everything?!? Like you can clean pans with it, heal cuts with it, remedy colds.. I'm sure there is a cure for cancer in an emu), I sat in a carriage to watch a DVD, an idea that I will definitely be taking home – next time you guys come over and spend some time in my garden, you will be sitting in an old horse carriage with a garden big screen TV. For shiz.

We also saw real life in the wild seal and sealions which was very cute. However.. for some bizarre reason I have developed a real alarming fear of slugs. This fear has come FROM NO WHERE and has been tormenting me for about 5 weeks now. Completely new, completely out of the blue, completely disturbing. I am dreaming about them, I'm looking at and around everything before I sit down for them, and now I am seeing them in things that aren't them.. for example, the sealion. See I just got goosebumps just writing about it!! They look like giant slugs and because they move REALLY quick, this gives sealions an added horror element to the overall looking like a slug dread... so in summary I am now also semi petrified of sealions. Soon I won't be able to enter a zoo.. elephants will look like them.. zebras will be stripy slugs.. I'm even going off hotdogs because the shape resembles them slightly! Stupid irrational brain :(

We saw other animals like koalas and kangaroos which of course were lovely but my favourite thing to watch out of everything there, were the Chinese.

Oh... Oh God how I wish you had been there. On the second day I sat right at the back so I could observe the bus sea of Chinese, and it was the best laugh ever. Next time you are on a tour, have the tour guide say to the Chinese “we will be driving now for around 45 minutes so sit back and relax”, because I can guarantee you by the time he gets up to “min” in minutes, the Chinese have fallen asleep. Those Chinese can sleep for an Olympic gold. Every time they sat down **BOOM** asleep. At park benches to have lunch, because they were sat down their friends were taking it in turns with each other to nudge, half ham slice to mouth awake. But they are SO wonderful at falling asleep that even when they have been slightly tilted to one side by the bus going around a corner, they just don't wake up and continue to fall!!!

There must have been a good 30-40 instances where I was sat at the back of the bus, knees to my chest, hands wrapped around my sides to help ease the pain, with tears rolling down my face because the Chinese were head butting each other. And one Chinese bloke ahead of me had the most giant head ever, and every time he clonked someone elses head it made a really loud wood on wood noise. Oh seriously, it was to the point I had to take HUGE deep breaths to stop being hysterical. And one Chinese lad forgot to put his arm rest up and was sat on an aisle seat – THREE times he fell asleep, let his heavy massive head sway a few times before falling head first into the aisle. Simply the best bus ride yet.

I love him so...

We also went to these rocks called Remarkable Rocks – called so because they are. The Australians like to name as they see which is why I am so surprised their children aren't called things like “bump in road” or “matured foetus”. We had a good play on those – Greg making me pretend I had been trapped under a bolder and for a photo, made it look like he was trying to rescue me... oooh I wish I could be rescued by Greg... swoooon... He is 49 and all manly and gruff. I have a major crush on this bloke. I stayed out with him whilst he was cooking to share a beer and talk about life and philosophy and we shared stories and passions and meaningful glances.... Such a nice man!

And then it was home on the ferry :( to cold Adelaide. I missed Greg immediately and started to fantasise about snuggling up in his beard. Such a nice man.

But not to worry, it was only for one more night before I was off to Alice Springs... further blogage to follow :-P

Final Ouch..

I miss you so much. And I will always miss you. Almost as much as I love you.

See you around. I love you.

Beaches, Kitchen Appliances and Going to Prison

Well aren't I just shit. I didn't post at all in March let alone once a week as is Sunday tradition (said in the Canadian Royal Wedding voice from South Park). I don't know if it was because I am so busy or simply I have become so lazy in sleepy WA - called WA not just for Western Australia but also for Wait Awhile because everything is so backwardsly slow here it's beggars belief... (what does beggars belief mean?? I might Google that later)

In a nut shell it's kind of both; I am busy all weekday's working for Thermomix and by the time the weekend rocks up, I am so lathargic from sitting around doing nothing because there is nothing to do that I have no inspiration to write. Friday I tried to get a little bit tipsy so the energetic hilarity that usually follows from a few would help but no.. I had 4 low carb beers and was actually wankered. I fell asleep at 8.30pm. I figured maybe Saturday is my day then but NO! I sat bored and uninspired thinking about shit I don't want to confront when I get home rather than put finger tips to keyboard for your amusement.

To be fair I'm not even feeling inspired right now. Right now I feel painfully full. And yet I am 100% sure I could fit in a tray of TimTams. Ladies, gents and the ball of hair under Tim's bed.. I am gaining weight at the same speed it takes NASA to secretly fire a nuclear weapon at Comet Elenin (we know you did it guys!!! I saw it on YouTube!!) With no gym and seemingly uncontrollable portions of everything, my clothes are getting well tight. Of course it is all in my stomach region and double chin. I've toyed with the idea of good ol' Atkins again but it's too bloody hard when you don't have your own kitchen or infinite space in the freezer. I just don't know what to do! My current eating schedule has turned into this...

5.30am - two pieces of jam on toast with orange juice
8am - a cereal bar and a cup of tea
10am - a bowl of porridge with a banana
11am - a handful of dates
12pm - frozen mixed berries with yoghurt.. a lot of yoghurt..
1pm - a cuppa soup
3pm - a pear and a cup of tea
6pm - a HUGE portion of something like rice and fajitas, or mash and a pie
7pm - most likely something coated in chocolate. Even more likley TimTams which, for people back home, is like eating an entire packet of Penguins.

I'm getting huge!!!! Sigh..... :( tears.

But anyway.. Thermomix. Everyone in the entire world should own one of these and I 100% intend on getting one when I own my own kitchen in an actual own house. It is THE bizniss. It boils, slow cooks, steams, mills, grinds, beats, whips, pounds, slices, dices, cubes... it even makes bath bombs and playdoh!!! Gordon Ramsey has one and I think Jamie Oliver has two. It makes a risotto from scratch in 17 minutes when it should normally take 50 minutes with constant stirring.

I don't get to play with it though.. Instead I get to process credit applications... yaaaay..... The people are brilliant through and I think they like me. I got that impression from Tam almost begging me to stay until the very last day in Perth. It gives me no time to explore WA properly but when it costs $350 to swim with whale sharks and will cost around $400 to get there anyway.. it's probably best I'm not available to be tempted.

I have done some sightseeing though!! I did a massive bike ride down to Fremantle which was absolutely wonderful. The coast partically between Cottesloe and Fremantle port is absolutely stunning with ocean the colours I had only seen on Rottnest - oh and I've been to Rottnest!!! Absolutely amazing it was. GOD it's so gorgeous - I'm going to Cotts again tomorrow (I go once a weekend at least) because it's the only part of the Perth coast that I feel safe to swim in.. where I won't get attacked by a huge shoal of fish or ripped under by a massive massive wave.

That's happened a few times now. The first one though I just don't understand what was wrong with my body. I was stood there waist deep in the ocean when I saw and heard this MASSIVE roaring wave coming towards me. Everything inside me was screaming DIVE UNDER DIVE QUICK NOW NOW DIVE!!! but for some reason I just stood there, very straight suddenly finding excellent posture, lifted my arm out almost Nazi like and verrrryy slowly brought my hand to my face, pinched my nose and took a deep breath.

I of course was smashed full force by an 8 foot wall of water, knocked immediately onto my back like a heavy piece of wood and dragged along the ocean floor (or coral carpet) until I was washed back up onto the shore. The force of the hit dragged my hand away from my face and my thumb nail had sliced a massive gash down from my nose to my lips. I looked like a scabby freak for weeks.. foundation on scabs is not pretty by the way - little makeup tip for you there.

On Rottnest Island I cycled for miles and miles and miles. It took me 5 hours to cycle the entire island and it was definitely worth it. Not for my arse though. No. No that really hurt for a few days and when I had to take the bike back, I actually yelped in pain when my arse cheeks settled onto the seat which would only have been mildly more painful had the seat also been in flames and made from broken glass.

Fremantle I have visited twice - once for ANZAC day (now craving ANZAC biscuits.. what is wrong with me?!) and once to go to Fremantle Prison. The prison was AWESOME!!! I don't like to use that word to often because it is over used and I struggle now to come up with a word to really express my enthusiasm for something so please when I tell you it was AWESOME, I mean it truely was ground breakingly epic.

The prison has really only recently stopped being a prison and the last person to be hanged there was not that long along. I did a night time tour to make it extra creepy and by joe! (another phrase to Google.. where does that come from?!) it was good and creepy!! It started off in the waiting room for new prisoners where we were told how prisoners were degraded beyond human rights law and how paedophiles and really terrible prisoners were kept in a glass cage I happened to be leaning on. The blokey was telling a really good story that was filled with suspense and everyone was standing silently still holding their breath as he went on to provide this dramatic pause.. when an English girl completely shattered the tension by going "err excuse me....?"

EVERYONE looked to this girl in complete disgust for breaking a truely academy award winning mid story tension, glaring at her very impatiently waiting for an equally outstandingly good explanation for her interuption when she oh so Englishly said "I'm really sorry to interupt but..." and she holds out her little souvenire torch we were all given to find our way around the dark prison, ".. my torch is on fire".

And true enough her torch wasn't just a little bit on fire but it was actually ablaze!! And the poor love had been stood there holding her little ball of flame for a good few minutes waiting for an appropriate time to bring it up! The bloke very nonchallently walked over and took it from saying "oh right yeah, that happens". That was pleasantly alarming.

In the cell block the blokey talked about why there were massive nets seperating each floor so that prisoners who tried to kill themselves or were being murdered could not fall onto the concrete from the top floors.. it was at that point some TWAT on the top floor SCREAMED in horror and threw a bastard dummy prisoner onto the nets.. which was DIRECTLY above my head. I have no shame in confirming I screamed like a girl and shouted "FUCK ME YA BASTARD!!" whilst clutching myself in a one legged self protective ball.. much to everyone elses amusement.

I got my own back on at least one little old lady on the tour though because as we were in solitary confinement block, where the prisoners were held for 23 hours a day (or 2 hours if you were to be executed that day), the man told another good story and left us in some suspenders when this scary as fudge looking goth litereally BURST out of one of the cells and smacked into an old woman. I wish you could of been there so you could really understand how funny this was but the little old lady's feet left the ground, air walked for a few seconds whilst her torso twisted around to her husband and in slow mo, in the highest pitch voice ever she screamed "SHIVERS!!". Of all the words at the exact moment to use, she said shivers. I had to cross my legs and lean against cell number 17 to stop myself weeing.

Next we were taken into the gallows and right there at almost touch distance was the noose and trap door that killed 44 people. You could still see the scuff marks on the trap door.. it was really weird being in that room because it felt full or heavy even though the doors were open and it was cold outside with a good amount of wind blowing. The noose didn't even sway.. everything was just still and compressing.

But the feeling in there was nothing to the feeling in the morgue. I am 100% telling the truth when I say that morgue still stank of dead people. The smell was horrible, suffocating and it really made you feel like when you're have a dream about running away but get stuck in tar. There were no scary pranks pulled in there or the gallows which I feel was a good call - people died there.. it wouldn't have been respectful.. no matter what those people did to deserve being executed.

But yeah! Brilliant tour and I would most certainly do it again! Phil hasn't been yet so I would definitely go do it with him again if he wants to go..Phil if you are reading this!

In addition, I have also booked and paid for nearly everything for the next 3 months! I just have my bungee jump/sky dive to pay for, my Franz Josef glaciar hike and my flight to Cairns to go. It's been a hellishly expensive three months trip to plan but I am sure it will be worth it.

I can't think of anymore news because all I can think about now is my TimTams so I'm going to go get those!! I could do with a few extra pounds..

Happy June everybody!

Just Another Wee Change of Plan..

Ah, That's Better.

I can't even muster the energy to say hello so please accept this still exhausted *wave* as my greeting.

The farming has come to an end and I am whole heartedly over the moon. I didn't make it to 13 weeks, in fact I only made it to 3 weeks but it seemed like an eternity. With every ounce of fist clenching, eye squeezing, chest tightening gesturing I have, I can confirm I well and truly HATED working in those bloody packing sheds. It was making me physically and mentally ill – both of which I escaped England to avoid and make better.

I took a day off on the Thursday and spent the entire time looking at midwifery forums and all the while the feeling of butterflies got stronger and stronger. My head was wrestling with my heart using a baseball bat, and my poor heart was defending itself with a giant replica womb cushion to symbolise the whole midwifery theme. A summary of the 18 hour conversation went like this:

Head: if you don't do a second year, you will lose out on over £24,000.00 worth of saving you could do. That's a flat and a new kitchen in it, prick stain *smack!*

Heart: Aye but if we stay here another year, it's a whole another year out of university to do a job we detest and from career you and I, Brain, so desperately want. We will be 31 at the earliest when we start our career. Thirty-fucking-one. *dull thump of bat hitting spongy womb cushion, held aloft*

Head: But think of the flat in Glasgow we can buy and build. Think of the income we could make in renting the second bedroom whilst we do the degree. It's just 10 more weeks stop being a twat. *boosh*

Heart: Look mate, you want this.. I want this. I hate fighting with you because our womb cushion is losing that plumpness we both loved when we bought it. If you continue to batter it for the next 10 weeks and you succeed, we will have no more cushion. Think about that philosophically and not physically please. *thump.. and then gentle slow, contemplative slidey noise as the bat lifts off the cushion*

Head: Interesting. *clunk as the bat goes down on the floor*... let me sleep on it. No promises though OK? And stop beating so fast.. you're giving me a headache.

Heart: Ta *ruffle noise as heart re-plumps the cushion and then settles down on it for a sleep*.

Next Morning..

Heart: Hey erm.. It's tomorrow and we have to go to work in a minute. I don't suppose you thought about what to do at all? I don't know about you but I feel proper heavy at the idea of going on. I think I need lifting out of this place.. I'm asking nicely dude.. please?

*Body checks watch and sees it is 5.35am and it's had only 2 hours sleep, checks it can move arms above head and realises it can't because the back is sore*

Head: Yeah fuck it, let's go!

Heart: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!

And so a flight to Perth was booked!!!! And my heart lifted! Which made my whole body immediately feel better and my head, now completely given up and put the bat through a tree-buzzer machine thing, quiet and content.

And then my hard drive miraculously recovered itself enough to remove all my pictures that were otherwise long gone onto a new backup hard drive. And I discovered I like pesto after all. And it's sunny in Perth! Sun!! A concept I had forgotten in 6 degree Shepparton. Sun that wasn't just there as an illusion but as a force that made your skin hot. 29 degree sun my friends! Positive heart, body, mind and soul energy made just EVERYTHING in the world right again.

My hostel is ok too. Initially when I arrived my head and heart had another little battle. My head going “the fuck is this place all about? It's dirty and full of people.. PEOPLE!”, and my heart going “you friggin well brought us here. I'm in a mood now”. But after a sunbathe and watch of the F1 the world was all well once more. I like the hostel, I have located shops, I have a job interview on Wednesday, my mattress is divinely comfortable, the bunk bed doesn't squeek, and my room mates are nice and quiet. If not a little bit too naked.. and little bit too confident with said nakedness actually...

On my first night here, I was sat on the laptop applying for some jobs when a German room mate came in from the shower. Unlike prude little me who changes and moisturises in the bathroom behind a very locked door, Miss Germany launched off her towel in a dramatic swimwear competition style and started to saunter around the room completely bare. I looked up, frowned and jaw dropped before being splendidly English and reclosing my mouth and hunching in embarrassment over my laptop, furiously pretending to be busy but then still looking up when ever she had her back turned like a teenager checking to see if she had the same inny and outty bits as me.

Well I didn't have to be sneaky for long because Miss Naked trotted over to me where her bag was at my feet, lent over me to reach something off the shelf and bent down to put it in her bag. There was absolutely no where else for poor Miss English to look but at Miss Self Confidence's boobs actually wafting a breeze in my face, or Miss Non Bashful's fadge flapping at my knees. Very concerning. Very weird. Very, very uncomfortable.

But more importantly there is a pool baby! Too cold to actually get in, but lovely to put your legs into when the sunbathing has gotten a bit too much. Loving the need to have a pool. LOV...ING.. IT.

So yes, here I am! Starting another new leg of the adventure with a 2 month stay in Perth. I start the proper adventure on 2^nd July still and will still be coming home on 17^th October. The only change is I won't be leaving again. I will go grab a job, re-take my driving test, apply for an access to midwifery course and apply for university. It's all go!

I hope you are all doing well and hope you enjoyed reading the latest update of Bear news. I'll hit you up next Sunday... preferably with a job and a lot less naked foreign in my face.