Progression

Well hey there folks - I'm watching a film called "My Dog Skip" purely because Malcolm in the Middle boy is on it when he was all tiny and mega cutesy, and Kevin Bacon who looks so freakin' sexy it's almost unbearable! The film itself it absolutely terrible.And this was a rather long winded explanation of how I wanted you to pronounce in your heads "well hey there folks" - it's southern American based film you see... Anyway...

Things in my life have progressed! Since the last rather sweary update, I have found a setting on the oven that isn't "burn to ash in 4 minutes" and have successful produced cakes and sugar biscuits which I have sold for a rather impressive £18.00 of donations in one week. Go Cake Fighting Cancer!!! (even if it does mean bringing on potential heart failure.. there is an awful amount of butter in my cakes :-/... win some lose some?)

In addition to perfectly cooked cakes, I ladies and gentlemen have only bloody well gone and started learning to drive again! *people reading dive behind sofas and protectively cover the heads of their children* I had my first free assessment lesson today and quite frankly with no exaggeration, I full on crapped myself (I was on the loo thankfully) but it turned out ok! I haven't driven a car for 7 years and I reckon I did alright. MOST DEFINITELY rusty and will need some work but that's what driving lessons are for right! I have figured out that I don't listen when I'm concentrating and I struggle really badly with knowing which is left and right any because of the dyslexia, so couple those things together and you have me slowing down at a roundabout in the wrong lane with the indicator going the right direction but the instructor going "left leeffftttt!" as I'm cruising right and then panicking and driving over the roundabout itself. It happened twice lol.. woops..

But it's something I have to get right and get done if I want to be a midwife. Which brings me onto progression part two... some universities want to see recent study. Well recent study they shall have! I am taking an A Level in Biology online! https://www.stonebridge.uk.com/course/biology-a-level for £385. Yes it's expensive but it gets what I need and makes me really knuckle down. I haven't purchased it yet because I want to explore a couple more options see if I can actually get it cheaper but so far, that's looking like my best bet.

In other news, Qatar Airways should hopefully finally be paying me my £280 back which was the refund for a flight I cancelled in SEPTEMBER!! After getting the CAA involved, they finally replied and have finally accepted that they owe me the money. I have however asked for £500 as compensation for their complete and utter frigging awfulness. So if I get the full refund back then that pays for the course and some driving lessons - yay!

Speaking of money, Kev is paying me back too!!! All £1725 :D :D yaaay!! I have also moved teams in work which means I am more likely to achieve a bonus each month which will be very handy - a couple of extra hundred for the next 3 months will pay for the driving course itself if I do intensive so mega fingers crossed. for that.

What else... nearly reach my target for sponsorship so if you would like to help then please spare a copper or £20 to http://www.justgiving.com/bearclimbshills - every £20 is an hours worth of nursing :) you can also text me if you want; Text BEAR91 £ << and then your donation amount to 70070..and by spare a copper.. if you want to take that literally and send me a uniformed police man, please feel free! Make sure he brings his baton and handcuffs...

And I think that's it! It's all go, I'm feeling quite motivated and I will now embark on making some lemon and chocolate cup cakes :D See you all when I have more news.

Total and Absolute Baking Disaster

** WARNING. FAIR AMOUNT OF SWEARING IN THIS POST**

The Poster... In no way accurately priced

Ey up. Well I have something to tell you kids. I am NOT the cooking/baking genius I think I am. Today has been an absolute complete mega fuck up and I am both shattered and in a raging strop, which combined has made this weird floppsy sulky mess of a woman who has flour in her hair, butter under her fingernails and mysteriously.. which we will get onto in a moment.. a giant patch of syrup on my left hand side.

The story starts with I am baking cakes to sell at work in order to raise funds for charity (hint: http://www.justgiving.com/bearclimbshills). I have put it off all January because I knew people were skint and it also gave me time to make some cool posters and order a banner to advertise my bake sale. Well posters arrived and they look OK - see opposite. Banner also arrived but was too big to post through the door so they took it away where it currently awaits pick up at the post office. Fuckiing JOOOYYYYY.. like I can be arsed to walk all the way to the twatting post office. Rage.

But I figured regardless of banner, I will make some cakes and bring them in. Well I made something. Cake??? Not so much.

In Dave Kitchen's words "have a group of men cum on your cakes??"

I used the normal method of making fairy cakes - equal amounts of ingredients and spread the contents equally into my Christmas Present silicone case. All was well so far. As they cooked I attempted to make some icing. Blue icing I thought to go with the Marie Curie theme. It took a good 15 minutes to attempt. And I failed. Dramatically. So as not to get angry I thought of my little cakes cooking away and remembered they only take 10 minutes to cook. I opened the oven door sure they were going to have been burnt only to see half risen cakes. Ball sacks I thought.. the stupid cunting oven with no temperature numbers around the dial must only be at like 80 degrees C. Turn it up my head said. Good plan my brain replied.

Back at the icing I came to the conclusion that no matter how much blue I put into this, and how much icing sugar I then put back into the mix to make it thicker, the result was always going to be the same. Perfect blue colour but extremely runny, or grey and slightly thicker. That took another 7 minutes to ponder by that time I realised the cakes should be perfect. Opening the oven - cloud of black bastard fucksticking smoke. Oh hurray.

You would be forgiven for assuming this was made my a mentally handicapped bind child

Not the end of the world... I cut the blackened bits off and figured I would coat it in my grey icing. Did that. But the shagging icing was to frigging runny. So now I just had a mess. Don't panic I said.. you have sprinkles. THAT DIDN'T STICK BECAUSE THE ARSE BENDING ICING HAD FALLEN OFF THE BURNT CAKES!!! Which were SO small I had absolutely NO hope of selling it for 40p. It isn't even worth 10p. And not only that... I had noticed a strange.. feet smell. I sniffed my cakes and was quite sure - yep. My cakes smelt like feet. I look at my now empty pathetic blue coluring and realised I had opened that colour back in 2010 and had successfully NOT kept it refrigerated.

IN ADDITION.... I ordered some cooking chocolate from Asda but because they had run out, they figured 3 bars of dairy milk would be a good swap. NO Asda you mega fucking tards - normal chocolate does not melt!!!! It's aright my head said. Melt it with some butter and syrup and all be well. NOT IT ISN'T YOU AXWOUND!!! I have ended up with the greasiest, thickest THREE chocolate cornflake cakes you will ever have in your life, and it was supposed to have made 12.

I concluded there was no way in hell I could take these "cakes" to work and sell because someone would definitely die if not vomit so began tidying up. Starting with the blender. Which has a sharp blade if you didn't know. A blade sharp enough that if held between thumb and index finger will literally rip through the webbing of your skin. Which you won't notice whilst it is held under ice cold water. You will however notice it when your hand becomes unnumb and you realise there is a trail of red on the white floor where you just were. Much more scrubbing that anticipated with now disabled hand. Further rage.

But the most rage came from finally cleaning up and taking off the apron. Only for a GIANT BLOB of syrup to fall onto my side... FROM NOWHERE... UNANNOUCED!!!! I am now covered in blood.. tired... a little bit sick from trying a death cake... and REALLY FUCKING STICKY!!!!!

 To sum up everyone. Fuck your cakes. Fuck fundraising. And then refuck your cakes. I'm going to bed.

Saturday Night TV

Supermarket Sweep!!!

I was sat here earlier, in front of the TV where I have to admit I have been for the entire day when my bestest good Gemma called me for a talk. We had the general catch up and moan before the standard round up of “what's on TV tonight anything good?”... and the answer is simply no. No there isn't. Staying true to my upbringing and enforcing my stubbornness for change, I perused the standard 4 analogue stations and became utterly depressed. SPLASH! was on IVT1 (oh the days when it was just called Granada and could be identified without a number).. as if I needed more reason to kill myself? And BBC1 had Flog It! (notice how both of those programs on the main channels have an exclamation mark, presumably to mask their shitness with gestured enthusiasm!).. and that was actually worse than SPLASH!

"Oh Dale. If only you weren't half gay half carrot"

Faced with what seemed like SPLASH! And a sharp knife to my wrist, in a semi desperate bid to stay alive just a wee bit longer, I flicked through and found.... oh sweet lord the goodness.. Challenge TV.. no exclamation mark needed. Good, proper old school real TV with real people playing proper games. And watching them back reeeallly makes me appreciate everything which I know sounds ridiculous but the old school prizes.. MINT. and when I say old school it's only 20 years ago but we seem to have forgotten the simple pleasure of winning a microwave – it's still a prize kids!!!! It doesn't have to be £20k! Anyway...

All hands Mr John

It started with Supermarket Sweep – the hair, the colours of the waistcoats, the fact a hosepipe was an expensive must have item in the trolley, the mega prize of £2000 that had to be won on speed and the ability to match rhyming food items to riddle clues. Just epic. And Dale's skin and matching shoulder padded blazer. Ah man. Just yes.

Then Wheel of Fortune – with the gorgeous, if slightly rapey, John Leslie. Again, physical skill of lugging that wheel around, mental agility of what is essentially hang man, and the prizes! Wow. An exercise bike, a combi fridge freezer... a hamper of makeup!!!! Man those were the days.. and if you lost you actually lost. You might get an “I was on a game show” token prize but essentially you were shit out of luck. No “aww I'm sorry here is £10,000 please don't sue us for emotional damage”.

Penis

And then.. oooh my Saturday childhood favourite.. Big Break. Jim Davidson, what an absolute Cashew Nut.. but John Virgo.. secret childhood crush. And the theme tune!! “I'm famed for my aim so you better believe I'm right! I'm going to be snookering you, snookering you tonight, BIG BREAK!” - goosebumps!! But now THEIR prizes.. absolutely other level of WOW: a CARPET BAG!!!!!, turntable stereo system, gourmet soup cook book and the mystery star prize – a 15 inch colour TV with video player and the choice of FIVE BBC videos of YOUR choice. Core fudging blimey.

Why don't we have these on any more??? Where is The Crystal Maze?? Gladiators?!! The Krypton Factor??? God I miss the TV of my youth.... Sigh.