Total and Absolute Baking Disaster

** WARNING. FAIR AMOUNT OF SWEARING IN THIS POST**

The Poster... In no way accurately priced

Ey up. Well I have something to tell you kids. I am NOT the cooking/baking genius I think I am. Today has been an absolute complete mega fuck up and I am both shattered and in a raging strop, which combined has made this weird floppsy sulky mess of a woman who has flour in her hair, butter under her fingernails and mysteriously.. which we will get onto in a moment.. a giant patch of syrup on my left hand side.

The story starts with I am baking cakes to sell at work in order to raise funds for charity (hint: http://www.justgiving.com/bearclimbshills). I have put it off all January because I knew people were skint and it also gave me time to make some cool posters and order a banner to advertise my bake sale. Well posters arrived and they look OK - see opposite. Banner also arrived but was too big to post through the door so they took it away where it currently awaits pick up at the post office. Fuckiing JOOOYYYYY.. like I can be arsed to walk all the way to the twatting post office. Rage.

But I figured regardless of banner, I will make some cakes and bring them in. Well I made something. Cake??? Not so much.

In Dave Kitchen's words "have a group of men cum on your cakes??"

I used the normal method of making fairy cakes - equal amounts of ingredients and spread the contents equally into my Christmas Present silicone case. All was well so far. As they cooked I attempted to make some icing. Blue icing I thought to go with the Marie Curie theme. It took a good 15 minutes to attempt. And I failed. Dramatically. So as not to get angry I thought of my little cakes cooking away and remembered they only take 10 minutes to cook. I opened the oven door sure they were going to have been burnt only to see half risen cakes. Ball sacks I thought.. the stupid cunting oven with no temperature numbers around the dial must only be at like 80 degrees C. Turn it up my head said. Good plan my brain replied.

Back at the icing I came to the conclusion that no matter how much blue I put into this, and how much icing sugar I then put back into the mix to make it thicker, the result was always going to be the same. Perfect blue colour but extremely runny, or grey and slightly thicker. That took another 7 minutes to ponder by that time I realised the cakes should be perfect. Opening the oven - cloud of black bastard fucksticking smoke. Oh hurray.

You would be forgiven for assuming this was made my a mentally handicapped bind child

Not the end of the world... I cut the blackened bits off and figured I would coat it in my grey icing. Did that. But the shagging icing was to frigging runny. So now I just had a mess. Don't panic I said.. you have sprinkles. THAT DIDN'T STICK BECAUSE THE ARSE BENDING ICING HAD FALLEN OFF THE BURNT CAKES!!! Which were SO small I had absolutely NO hope of selling it for 40p. It isn't even worth 10p. And not only that... I had noticed a strange.. feet smell. I sniffed my cakes and was quite sure - yep. My cakes smelt like feet. I look at my now empty pathetic blue coluring and realised I had opened that colour back in 2010 and had successfully NOT kept it refrigerated.

IN ADDITION.... I ordered some cooking chocolate from Asda but because they had run out, they figured 3 bars of dairy milk would be a good swap. NO Asda you mega fucking tards - normal chocolate does not melt!!!! It's aright my head said. Melt it with some butter and syrup and all be well. NOT IT ISN'T YOU AXWOUND!!! I have ended up with the greasiest, thickest THREE chocolate cornflake cakes you will ever have in your life, and it was supposed to have made 12.

I concluded there was no way in hell I could take these "cakes" to work and sell because someone would definitely die if not vomit so began tidying up. Starting with the blender. Which has a sharp blade if you didn't know. A blade sharp enough that if held between thumb and index finger will literally rip through the webbing of your skin. Which you won't notice whilst it is held under ice cold water. You will however notice it when your hand becomes unnumb and you realise there is a trail of red on the white floor where you just were. Much more scrubbing that anticipated with now disabled hand. Further rage.

But the most rage came from finally cleaning up and taking off the apron. Only for a GIANT BLOB of syrup to fall onto my side... FROM NOWHERE... UNANNOUCED!!!! I am now covered in blood.. tired... a little bit sick from trying a death cake... and REALLY FUCKING STICKY!!!!!

 To sum up everyone. Fuck your cakes. Fuck fundraising. And then refuck your cakes. I'm going to bed.