15 hours of Saturday

Bonjourno Deano! (Love the Fosters adverts - "you're good at painting!" "thanks mate!") hehe. How do?

I am currently sitting on my mattress on the floor attempting to plan the Australia leg of the travelling. But let me update you on yesterday via a time line:

6am - I woke up in a semi dream state and believed my alarm is actually animal noises coming from a game I was playing at the zoo! It was going off every 5 minutes and in my dream I thought I was pressing a big buzzer to stop the noise and shout out what the noise was from. I eventually woke up properly at 6.35 shouting "RHINO!".

6.45am - I managed to roll into the shower, scratching my head wondering why my alarm would sound even remotely like a rhino.. what does a rhino even sound like?!

7am - Started to dismantle the bed. I figured out half way through that I had packed the alen key. Much rage as I went through every box to find it. Thank crunchie I didn't sellotape the box lids down!

7.35am - Fay the life saver moves the van up to the top for me. I go and wake up a very cold filled Timothy to help move the pieces of bed out.

8.30am - Newton arrives looking very poorly. Me and Tim like a team of super human van packers load the van in less than 5 minutes! GO TEAM!!

9am - and we are off to Reading to pick up a parcel. We of course got lost because the satnav took us through Wycome twice. We finally go to Reading and left around 10.15am. I was beginning to proper panic we might not have the van back in time for 5.30pm :-/ We also discovered at this point that my giant cactus, Flavours, had taken a turn for the worse.. he had fallen down. No arms were snapped off which was a mircale!! But the roots had been pulled up and there was soil everywhere. Upsetting :(

10.15am - Silverstone!! How cool!

11.15am - we went past Silverstone again. HOW?!?!?! How did this happen?!?! We were following the satnav and it took us in ANOTHER major circle. Then satnav died. Hell broke lose. I made an emergency subscription to Orange satnav but my phone was only half charged.

1.30pm - we FINALLY made it to mums! Kev and Stu unloaded the van for us which was pleasant. I like standing around having slaves do things for me. Kev attempted to get into my safe (PLEASE remember mum to just throw it/burn it if I should die) but couldn't mwhahaha. He pleaded with me for the TV and apparently after I left he went through all my boxes. How I love privacy....

2.05pm - we took a slight detour to Aldi where Newton asked if they would accept cards. She had never been in an Aldi before and I'm pretty sure if I hadn't been there to guide her she wouldn't have gone in because she didn't have her passport and some Deutshmarc. We bought pink lemoade, some fruit drops, a packet of licorice allsorts and diet orangeade.. for £2.98!!! FREE!!

2.13pm - my battery goes. Panic sets it. We no longer have access to any road guidance, no way of telling Tim where we are or when to pick us up, no way of telling the van hire company we may be late, and no way of figuring out how to get to the van hire place itself. My advice to Newton was just go south. Keep south and something will show up!!

3.30pm - we see a Only Fools and Horses replica car being towed. Epic!

4.55pm - we hit Thame - yaayy!!! But now ooooh.. where is the van hire place?? Newton asked a man who I immediately fell in love with. He had an odd Irish-Ameican accent, had blue eyes and blonde hair, was wearing a khaki green tshirt and riding a bike. He was all trim and muscley in the right places. I would have been happier if he had directed me to his bedroom as opposed to the garage. I'd of paid the late fees to get on him. Rarrrr.

5.17pm - call to Tim from the petrol station. I filled the van back up whilst Newton showed cleavage in order to make a free phone call to him. Well played, well played.

5.28pm - with SECONDS to spare the van was put back in. We meet another FIT as fuck bloke. Serious consideration is now being put into moving to Thame. Tim picks us up after a prolonged wait and a good bitch about other Thame dwellers - it was about 25 degrees and people were walking around in Ugg boots and black coats and scalfs.. why?!?

8pm - after a shower and sorting out the mattress on the floor, me and Newton went for an indian at Chutneys. We practically snorted lines of popodom such was the need to eat them, mixed with a line of mango chutney. If I had had a syringe I would probably have injected some of mint yoghurt into a vein too.

8.35pm - the meal is served. With a pubic hair on my plate. Unhappy face appears. Pubic hair plate disappears. New non curlys plate arrives. Happy face returns.

9pm - we ordered desert. I asked for chocolate moouse expecting a nice fluffy chocolatey treat. The waiter couldn't say moouse so he confirmed my order to be a chocolate mouse. I said ok.. see what happens.

9.05pm - chocolate ice cream arrives. Whilst I was relived it wasn't a chocolate dipped rodent, it also wasn't what I had ordered so there was a mixture of emotions here.

9.30pm- off home where I collapsed. Long day.