I had worms....

.. in my bedroom. Not my arse! That was just to get you drawn in hehe. But under any circumstance, having worms whether they are earth worms like the one on my bedroom floor or arse worms, it's never a good time. It was horrid. Pure heart pounding, rumble in the very lower part of the intestines scary and petrifying. It all happened when I woke up, stood next to my TV and saw something long, relatively thick so thicker than a thread off some clothing, and unexpected.. I have not seen this length of something on my floor before.. I thought semi aloud in my almost not quite there sleep conscious. So I bend down, hand outstretched to nudge whatever it was until I then shot up so straight I'm pretty sure I strained my spinal nerve tenondeny things and made a .. well .. noise! It wasn't a scream or a gasp because it was an exhale but it was more like a ".. BAAAHHHHHH".. not to be mistaken as a sheeps bleet but like if you were to to go "pleh" with a really lot more emphasis on the "H" and loud enough so you feel you are pulling chest muscles.

So after my BAHHHHHHHHHH, I took a step backwards and realised it was slithering under my TV cabinet. In abject terror, I grabbed my half full mug of cha, just threw it ever so hap-hazendously (i cant spell I know) so I had something to scoop it into and then launched my un eaten jam toast into the nearst plant pot so my worm scooper now had a lid. Once the worm had been scooped in (after much thrashing from the worm I might add... my toes are curling in horror just remembering), I immediately phoned the only person I knew would answer at that time of the morning and understand... Vicky. She gave me intruction son how to get rid and told the whole of Litigation. Thanks :D

But it was the real prompt I needed to make the move. I had been umming and arring for quite some time over whether to move or not and finally decided, slugs in the kitchen and damp on two of my walls aside, you should NEVER have a worm in your bedroom - I'm getting out.

So I saw a house in Aylesbury.. and I cannot explain to your the anger I felt when I left that building. First off, I was met by an estate agent who was absolutely no way any older than 13. She then took me to what used to be a gay pub. Good times I thought! Probably clean and with any hope some abandoned gay porn to peruse. No no. No. It was a fucking sweaty damp shit hold. Now I had asked for a double professional let and the child pretending to be an estate agent took me to what can only be described as a postage stamp with slooping ceilings. Holding her Pokemon toy mascarading as a clipboard and lettings agreement, she swanned around the room (which meant she brushed her nose off one wall onto the other whilst standing still) and said "it's a lovely space isn't it!" to which I replied "err yeah.. theres no hope of getting a wardrobe in here is there". Not a question, just a straight fact. But her question amused me.. "well do you need to bring a wardobe??".. to which I replied, probably a bit too harshly for an eight year old - "well given I own one and thats generally where I hang my clothes.. yes, yes I would need a wardrobe. This won't do I'm sorry".

She then asks me if I want to see the rest of the house. Given it was minus 63 outside and I had an hour to wait for my train, I agreed. And this is the point where anger and bemusement reeeeeeeeally set in. She took me to the kitchen. Again.. "lovely space isn't it!?". I looked her straight in the face in an attempt to make her eyes follow mine.. purely so she could understand I had noticed the 3 out of only 4 cupboard doors that were hanging off and the wallpaper that was so thick with grease was coming off the walls. And I was praying she may have perhaps noticed the 60 year old black woman who was holding a bowl of sweetcorn and staring at the off cooker.. making this sound... "blehmp. bleh bleh blehmp. Blehmp?" .. I'm not being racist or trying to impersonate this womans own language.. because she was English.. she was just quite literally making that sound. And sticking her tongue out to make it.

It was at this point the estate agent whispered to me "oh yes, forgot to mention.. this is now run by the church as a safe house". Fuck. Fucking. You. Professional??? YES MISS ROWLANDS. Double??? YES MISS ROWLANDS. Lying to my face in the hope I am actually a retard like my black lady friend here, who by the way is standing in an S shape?!?... YES MISS ROWLANDS. "I will be on my way."

Things FINALLY looked up for me when I found a girl on spareroom.com. Her flat is oh so pretty! And clean. and worm and black woman free. And next door to work (practially attached). So happy I can't explain to you!!! I have never felt such relief as when Emily, the new housemate, said "I would love you to move in". I could have actually jumped on her and kissed her for the relief. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh goooood FUCKING times!!!! SO happy!!!!

And then 3 happened. You know the mobile broadband people?? Yeah. I heard you go "ooooh" in that low tone of "shit yeah I understand.. bad times". Them. I called and was on hold for 26 minutes because Dalvinder the helpy helpson came on the phone. "Hello Miss Rowlands and how may I help you this lovely gloriuos day?" (I had already pressed the "I want to cancel and leave you" button.. was sensing this chirpy attitude may have something to do with it...) "I'd like to cancel my contract please". "But Miss Rowlands you are premium customer yes! You can have a free laptop! You would like this yes?" "No thank you I would like to cancel my contract". "Oh but Miss Rowlands you can have laptop and half price broadband. You would like this better now eh yes?"... "No.. no thank you. May I just leave?" "But... Miss Rowlands you know last year people didn't have broadband for 2 months because of the snow. You can stay and avoid the snow".. now this bit had Naomi in stiches.. "No. Really. Regardless of the weather I really really would just like to leave". "ooooohhh.. but Miss R-" "I want to leave. Can I please just leave I would really like to just cancel my contract please. I just want to leave."

Dalvinder continued to push. I came back with my own offers like "So how about this. I stay with 3. You send me the laptop. You charge me £1 a month for the next month, and then I cancel?" "errrm no Miss Rowlands you will sign a 49 year contract and pay for the laptop". "Then no Dalvinder.. no I REALLY just want to leave, please can I just leave like now today..." it got to the point where I had no other choice but to ask "Dalvinder.. if I threaten to kill myself what would happen?? Does the threat of suicide hurry you along because I AM going to kill myself if you don't cancel the fucking contract"....

To sum up it's now cancelled :D Gooood times. So I move in on the 20th November. I shall keep you updated more I think.. a lot for you to read just then :) Laters like!!