What Would I Do Without My Mum?!

In her onesie

Just a couple of wee stories that happened in the last 12 hours that made me laugh so hard I had to dedicate a blog to my mumma.

So last night during an advert break, my mum was eating a Mars bar. There was a break in noise from the TV and all I could hear from the other sofa was a grunting sucking noise. I looked over in disgust but she was completely absorbed in her Mars bar and was doing some sort of weird symmetrical eating plan. I started laughing because she was concentrating on it so much and said "mum.. could you eat that louder?!" and in an Irish accent (bearing in mind she's northern English) just said so matter of factly "well you have to take it apart!!!!".. and then because I distracted her from the melting and went, still Irishly "Ah FECK I've lost some of it under my chins!!" and then foraged for a good 3 minutes!

Being E.T whilst camping

Then this morning, I come down from bed and without even saying good morning, my mum who is dressed in reindeer slippers and a huge dressing gown I bought her for Christmas, which she calls "her suit", threw her laptop to one side and jumped up exclaiming "oh thank God you're here I need to show you something weird!!"

Deathly afraid she was going to open her suit, I stood a little bit closer to the door I had just entered in case I needed to do an immediate u-turn. Then with a face both of concern and childlike glee, she rushed to the window and peeled back the hideous net curtains she insists on having on the large floor to ceiling living room window which, if the hideous nets were taken down, gives you a view of whole garden area.

Laughing hysterically

Beckoning me over with her suit still firmly tied up, thank Christ, I went to see what the weirdness in the garden might be. Shuffling together for a closer inspection out of the tall but relatively narrow for two people standing together by it window, she pointed determinedly and said "LOOK! What does that look like to you?!?".. she had pointed at a spot about 1 inch away from the window where a bit of snow had been meting off. I knew immediately what it was. "that's cat mum".

"No!!" she said excited to tell of her vision of what the snow mystery might be, "that there is a childs footprint!! and that bit there is a giants foot print!".... "a giants footprint, mum seriously! that bit is the cats arse and that childs footprint is where the cat had gone to jump onto the fence and skidded!"

Being scared of Jamie the mini puppy

She hunched over so the window was misting up from her breath coming out her nose which was less than a millimeter away from glass now and declared "ansolutely not. That is a childs foot print and that is giants. I won't hear anymore of it. CLEARLY there are mythical creatures living in our grid end of story."

And with that she sat back down, adjusted her "suit" to be more covering and continued about her day. That was until just this second a bit of snow fell off the roof above and whizzed past the window, making a thump noise just outside it. She shook so violently with shock that her laptop shot off her knee and she yelped "FUCK ME!!!.... SHITTTY DEATH.... GRRRRRR!" she then ran to the window and closed it saying "I better shut this. They might be on the roof!" She then looked down at the mysterious snow and said.. in Irish!! "Oh my God so... it's turned into a Scream Mask now! It's got a laughing face and eyes and everything now!! Just to let you know, if they need a human sacrifice, you're it".

Seriously.. what will I do with out and her mental ways?!

My Mummy with her Mummy

Getting Three Peaks Ready

Twitter me in a signed Jenson Button shirt

G'day darl. Howaya going? I am today, completely splendid and full of energy and beans!

I've come to the conclusion from hashtagging #threepeaks on Twitter (find me @F1_Rowlands) that I seriously, seriously need to up the game to get ready for the challenge. It appears from the many tweets from others about constant gymming and practice mountain hikes that quite simply doing a 45 minute walk up one incline to Tesco once every other week is not going to get me to the physical strength needed to climb three mountains in 24 hours. So my plan has been formulated...

Training at the same gym that Jessica Ennis does, Ponds Forge, I have joined up and will be starting the following classes as of the Monday after pay day...

Look at the size of the slide on the left!!! I am quite excited in case I see olympains

Monday - Boot camp.. I best get me arse in gear and apparently there is no where to hide in Boot Camp
Tuesday - 20/20/20 - this is swimming but being egged on at the same time. A full 2 hours!
Wednesday - break.. think I should let the muscles take a wee break today
Thursday - body pump.. apparently very good for the core which I will need lugging a backpack up hills
Friday - gym - treadmill. Set on flat for running, incline 3 for walking and the highest incline it will go for mock trudging! For a good hour and a half.

I reckon Saturday I will still do my big walk to Tesco but treadmills just aren't life like enough.. you hear many people talking about how they prepared for marathons on the treadmill and nearly died on the pavement. So yes, that is my plan. Unfortunately my plan means a 35 minute walk TO the gym... at 6am... and then a 40 minutes walk TO work!! But it's important. And I must succeed!!!!!

Yeah mine won't look anything like this

In terms of baking, this is going to go quite well I hope. I'm going to make cupcakes with yellow and blue icing, cornflake cakes and fat free blueberry muffings for those on diets. I have discovered Asda's smart price stuff is fantastically smartly priced and have worked out, if I sell each cornflake cake at 40p, for the cost of £4.00 to buy all ingredients which will make around 50, I only have to sell 10 to make my money back and will in profit for the charity make £16.. not much but if I can sell around 50 cakes a week,that's £64 a month which by the time July rocks up, that's £320 made for charity! Nay bad eh.

Go on! Even if it's just to see if it works...

I have a banner and flyers on their way, both free except for £5.40 P&P complimentary of Vista Print. Thanks guy.

And get this!! You can TEXT ME!! Your donation!! Text BEAR91 £10 to 70070 :D Or if you are a bit skint... you can send £1.00, £2.00, £3.00, £4.00 or £5.00.

Or you can visit the website https://www.justgiving.com/bearclimbshills and donate there. Everyone across the world can do it and in the currency you want which is brilliant for all of the amazing friends I have gathered across the globe :-)

But yes,, I will keep you all updated with how training is going and of course, if I pull in the gym. That would be great. And if there is anyone in Sheffield who wants to be my badminton buddy, I can get us a court for £3.00 on Saturday between 1-3pm.


Wish me luck!! or better yet.. sponsor me. Every £10.00 is an hours wage for a Marie Curie Cancer Care nurse to come and look after someone dying. Thanks dudes.

To Successfully Diet...

... is to not bother dieting at all. I wish to buggery that I was thin and could eat what I want but truth of it is, I frickin' LOVE food!!! Pies, stir frys, chicken dinners with all the trimmings, lamb steak with in season asparagus, pizza with double pepperoni, tomato soup...

Also I have a food blog.. how can I diet successfully when I have to make and update the food blog. And I got a new food processor for Christmas.. how AWFUL would it be to watch it gather dust??

I simply need to get a grip, go and exercise more often and eat less pizza. In stead of having a tuna butty with my soup, just have soup!

That's all I have to say for now.

What a Year 2012 was

Heya! This might not be the best blog in the world because I am totally distracted by the baby snoring and Mary Poppins. She looks so cute asleep... so does the baby....

Well what a completely insane year 2012 was eh. I went to the opening of the F1 in Melbourne and met my ultimate hero Jenson Button, I stood on a boat as two baby whales jumped out and played along side it, I snorkelled on the Great Barrier reef where a giant sea turtle came to swim under my legs, I went to Uluru both at sunset and at sunrise and travelled more than 48 hours on a train to get from Adelaide to Darwin. I saw St Kilda win a match at the MCG on my last day in Australia, I saw Andy Murray play Novak Djokovic in a thrilling 4.5 hour match in the Rod Laver arena, I swam in Lake McKenzie, saw crocodiles jump out the water at us to eat something, swan in the ocean with deadly box jelly fish and survived, surfed with dolphins in Byron Bay, went fishing for the first time and raced a pod of dolphins in the speed boat we took out, attempted to bungee jump, skydived and took a helicopter up to Franz Jospeh glaciar and hiked it for 4 hours where I  weaved in and out of ice caves before taking a thermically heated swim in rock pools. 

I saw the fireworks at the stroke of midnight shoot off the Sydney Harbour bridge and Sydney Opera House, I did a handstand opposite the Taj Mahal, I stood just one foot away from where Ghandi was shot and killed, I got parasites that nearly killed me, I climbed the Himalayas, I had a Fergburger! I played and spectacularly crashed on a luge in Rotarura, I zorbed twice, stood in a waterfall in Milford Sound during a storm, hiked to the top of Kings Canyon at 5am to see sunrise, saw my NZ family, stroked a wild dingo (don't do that, it was a very dangerous idea).. I did LOADS!!!

It was completely and utterly the most amazing year of my life. And this is why 2013 scares me to death. How is it possible to top that??? I'm so scared....

Resolutions. I will have to keep myself busy with them I guess...

Last Years Resolutions taken from last years blog....

1. Must learn to knit - oops...
2. Sky dive. It's been on here too many times so its being done! - DID IT!!!!
3. Go to the F1 - DID IT!!!!
4. Try an oyster... Sickening - No I can't do it, it's just too gross
5. Relearn French - I was too busy. But I have learnt to like Spanish
6. Learn and get a motorbike. This one is important - ah yes. I didn't get time to do this.
7. Be home for Christmas - achieved!!
8. Learn to fish.- done!

This years Resolutions

1. Learn to knit - it has to be done this year otherwise the world will implode. And mum bought me a starter kit. YAY!
2. Buy a house
3. Go to watch Man U at Old Trafford
4. Learn conversational Spanish
5. Go to Scotland
6. Go to Glasto
7. Doubtful but ambition is go spend 2 weeks in Egypt
8. Compete in the 3 peak challenge 

I think this is a reasonable set do you agree? What are yours?

Things That Are New

Night View From New House

Include the following, in headings because I have been the worldest most wankest regular blogger... soz. Alright, like our favourite ITV XFactor and I'm A Celeb presenters... "In NO particular order.. except some of it so it flows nicely..."

New Job!
FINALLY. After 6 weeks of applications, of applying WAY to much foundation because the light in the upstairs attic bedroom was insufficient and turning up to agencies interviews with patches of extremely orange skin, and of lying down dreaming of my dream house watching back to back episodes of Location Location Location.. I have found a job! I am now a telephone negotiator for for a company in Sheffield and I think it is going to be pretty easy to get on with. I am really looking forward to being quite dominate in the stats and they have recently introduced service quality auditing and don't have a service quality department yet. HELLO RUNNING OWN DEPARTMENT!! That could be useful to set me up if I got that opportunity. I'd love that!

New House!

Morning View From New House

As the job is in Sheffield and my mum lives in Chesterfield, it was going to cost £360 in petrol just to get to work!! So to save a wee bit of money I have decided instead to just live near work and what an absolute IDEAL situation presented itself. On spareroom.com I saw an advert for what looked like a nice house with all bills included 10 minutes away from work, pop up. It was only £320 a month so I popped down to view it and ooooooooh.... NICE doesn't come close. The garden is stunning, it has a pond with actual fish in it, all the rooms are tiled nicely with underfloor heating.. oooooohhhh, and the view from my room.. ooooohhhhhh! The new housemate John is a dream to live with too - he lkes James Herbert!!Just like me! Score.

New Stitches!

Stitches Day One

I have had a biopsy and I have stitches for the very first time! I discovered a very very dark mole on my side and thought responsibly to go and have that checked out. I also discovered ages ago a lump on my head which I had checked out too. Immediately referred to the hospital, the lovely Dr Lady excavated my mole on my back without giving me a second to think about it, and made an emergency appointment the following week to have the lump removed.

Wound care for the back stitches has been pretty crap. The dressing was making me uber mega itchy so I didn't dress it. And where it said "clean with cotton bud and salty warm water", I tookt this to mean "rub soap into it during daily shower vigourously". The end result is a missing stitch, a rash and ample bruising. Whoopsy?

The lump removal though, different story. Iwasbrickingit.Com.Au/didntwantitdone. Mum came with me, this was only yesterday by the way, and rather than do the whole "you'll be ok, don't worry", she did what only mine and possible Russell Howard's mum would do and constantly under her breath sang the Jaws theme tune.. and mentioned that she could hear drills and solicitors talking about medical negligence.. and said I wouldn't be able to wash my hair for weeks and would be a greasy and grotesquely swollen outcast. So when I went into the room, my imagination was on overdrive. I know full well rationally speaking that there was a lovely Dr who wore a visor to keep everywhere sterile, and I know the two nurses were absolutely lovely and were very nice.

But in my head, the Dr was wearning a death mask to keep her eyes clear from the artery she was going to sever. And the nurses were holding massive meat clevers and a chainsaw. And they were circling me, coming closer and wearing thick black hooded robes. And the room wasn't lovely and white and clean, it was black with orange lava free flowing down the walls and onto the floor they were levitating above which meant I had no means of escape unless I wanted to melt my legs off.

Stitches Day Seven

The death Dr opened her robe to swallow me hole and start the process when a beaming, shining, rescuing angel (the treatment spot light they use for closer looks) decended and the Dr gasped. She said "oh, that looks normal today. Hmm, that probably doesn't need to come off. Oh well you're hear now" - and in that instant, I threw off the heavy chains they had shackled me with, used my wrist ice power spray to cool the lava floor, ninja kicked the chainsaw out of nurse Hatchett's hand and said "NO BITCH, IF IT DON'T NEED DOING I AIN'T BEING DONE!! GO BACK TO HELL, EVIL BEAST!!!!" (please note this is an elaboration, I do not have ice power despite being bitten by a white tail spider during a cold night, and I actually said "oh well if you don't think it needs to be done then I don't mind just leaving it if you are happy to do so?")

And I skipped out of the hospital through a sunny field filled with lavendar to a rainbow where my unicorn was waiting!! (please note this is also an elaboration, I do not have a unicorn and actually I ran to my step dads corsa knocking over people with crutches because it was pelting it down with rain).

New Competition and Bingo Addiction!
Just what every child dreams of having for Christmas! A habit that makes them penniless and sweaty. Seriously I cannot stop. I have just today broken even from being in a profit by £20.00. It's OK though. I shall win back my money in prizes from winning competitions... or as I like to call them.. PRESENTS! I LOVE presents!!! But if any of you would like to be equally as addicted, I have links, a voucher code and I can get you AT LEAST an extra £25 to play with on top of a £10 top up.. you know you want to... come on. Come join me....

New Blog!
I have made a new blog! And I haven't updated it for awhile because I have been so busy doing the above, but it is http://yayteatime.blogspot.com You will find it very informative, sometimes amusing, definitely easy to follow. It is mainly recipes I have stolen from the Internet I won't lie but unless you are a mega chef or a new food item is invented like a crossbred lamb with a mango, how are you supposed to make a new recipe!! But keep your eyes out for it and share it across the world for all to see because I will be putting up some Christmas specific ones next weekend.... also what would that be called? Manglamb? Lamango? Lambang?... 

Latest Picture Of Me, and What I Think A Lamb Crossed With A Mango Would Look Like

Annnnd I think that's about it. I will update you next Sunday I absolutely promise. Be good! And come play binnngoooooo.............

Honey I'm....

.... riddled with parasites! And you thought I was going to say home didn't you :) WELL THAT TOO!!! I'M IN EENNNGGGLLLAAANNNDDD!!!!!! Engerlund nar narrr. Ah Enlgland. God Save the Queen England. Fucked up by Conservative BASTARDS England. Cold and raining England. England home. Home in England. Ahhhh. England.

But yeah parasites. And like a lot of them. Parasites that are currently making 10-20 MILLION cysts A DAY In my small intestines as we speak. Parasites that my friends looks like this...

TELL ME they don't look like very happy balloons with jellyfish legs?? I could not believe it when I googled them. I was full on on my tiptoes on the edge of the sofa, holding my face like it might fall off, eyes the widest they have ever been, mouth open in a not surprised but low moaning horror "baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauurrrghhhhh" noise, willing myself to pass out so I didn't have to digest the fact that those happy jellyfish balloons were in me. Touching my insides. Brushing past me with their tenticles. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuurrghhhhhh.

(interjection: giggle at the bloke who took that picture being called Dick. Hehe. Dick)

And where did they come from I hear you ask? India.

Everyone warned me. They ALL said "don't go Bear you will end up sick." "Don't go there it's horrible and dirty". "You'll come back with parasites" they said. They were correct. All of them. It was insanely dirty, it was incredibly horrible being constantly stared at and touched by creepy men - why is this just accepted as "normal" in that country?? We even got briefed on how normal it was for men to touch and stare. Grrrr.

But most of all, I got sick. On the first night of being sick I spent 13 whole hours throwing up without a break for sleep and sometimes oxygen, drank 15 litres of water and honestly thought I might die. I was in so much pain. I collapsed on the bathroom floor for awhile so I could assess whether it was worth being upright to be sick or whether it would be a sweet release to just choke on it and be done with it all. I have never, ever been so ill in my life as I was that night.

Since then though I haven't been sick too much, just mainly shedding the cysts out my arse! Nice and graphic for you there! I aim to make you laugh whilst gagging. Makes my day go quicker. But due to the shere volume of cycst wastage, I have decided to come home and get medical help - and thank goodness I did because in 2 weeks, I lost a stone in weight and was incredibly dehydrated.

And now I am home some decisions have had to be made. Plan of action is this.. stay and live with my mumbo jumbo for 6 months, hopefully do some volunteering at the hospital after work, learn to drive I guess (boooo) and then make another decision. 6 month decisions seem to work for the best for now.

Oh dear.. need to go. Medicine kicking in. Update again soon!

Goodbye NZ, Hello India

A pavement marking

YO! I learnt yesterday from a fellow traveller that YOLO means "you only live once".. whilst we were on the subject of yo. Anyway - I have left NZ! My Australasia experience has come to a temporary end so I can experience the mentalness of India. And it is mental. But first:

Thank you so much to my Uncle Pete, Aunt Carol and my two gorgeous cousins Carmen and Dean. They were so good to see, were excellent at getting out of bathrooms at speed when there was no stopping the morning after 12 beers vomit, wonderfully regailed me in tails of Africa (which has watered the already planted seed of want to go-ness), and were excellent chefs! I was very well looked after and can't thank them enough for all the effort they went to to make me feel welcome. Cheers guys :) Also, thank you so much for putting the dogs rope toy on the antlers of the goat. That was the most funny thing I have ever seen.

Carmen and me on a road trip!

From my time in NZ I have learnt I like the calm and serenity of no people, but that I miss the beach. If I could pick anywhere in NZ to live it would be the south island, and probably Wanaka. If I was to pick in the world though Australia still tops the list. Melbourne prodominently. Beautiful beaches, amazing city, sport all the time. I miss it dearly. I'll be back.

This is a very normal photo

But right now it's all about India. Without meaning to cause offence, I now completely understand why all of my Indian friends have abandoned their country. It is a shit hole. I have SO many questions:

• why are there no litter bins?
• why is the country so poor? 
• what does India have to trade?
• if it has nothing to trade, why can't we create an industry for them?
• why don't they enforce traffic rules to make it less chaotic? Paint a fucking lane!  

Day One and Two
Day one was pretty much shopping in a local mall and being stared at by locals. And of course meeting the first half of my new crew who I will be rocking around with for the next 5 weeks! All good.

Spade of rice anyone?!

The second day in New Delhi to be honest, apart from meeting the second half of the crew, was a bit shit. First we went to a Sikh temple which was an interesting experience. Shoe less, bandana on, and camera ready we walked around a HEAVING temple learning nothing. Mr Tour Guide was full on shite and pretty much explanied nothing. He whisked us around the temple before he left us slightly stranded with no idea where he had gone in the kitchen, which was to be fair quite an interesting specticle. The temple feeds 20,000 people A DAY from donations given. Can you imagine how much curry this is??!! Check out the pictures and notice there is a pot with a SPADE in it... to shovel rice!! An actual shovelling rice spade!

Ok we got korma, masala, rogan josh and chicken orange!

Next was the gates of India which was swarming with "hawkers" which are people who refuse to move out of your way in an attemp to sell you tat, then for a drive around the presidents house before going to Ghandi's house. For 3 minutes. This seriously fucked me off. I wanted to spend at least 30 minutes in this place learning about him, looking and thinking at his shooting site and generally just taking some time to understand what happened. But no. Mr Tour Guide who we HAD to tip had other ideas. Carpets. Clearly much more important.

Shuffled into a carpet shop we were taught how carpets and rugs were made before being told how "cheap" they were to buy in India as opposed to home. A 3 foot by 2 foot carpet would only cost £250. And if you thought that was too expensive, they would follow you around the shop begging you until you are rescued by the others. The whole day I think was 3 hours, and an hour of that was spent escaping a bloke running after me with various sizes of carpet. Unhappy.

Day Two

The spot where Ghandi was shot

Today we drove from Delhi to Agra and the scale of poverty was displayed - and apparently we didn't even drive through the bad bits! There were people just lying (dead or alive not assessed) on the streets, there was rubbish everywhere in massive massive piles, there were people and children going to the toilet outside their houses, there were herds of cows just lying down on the motorway, and people begging. It was horrible and it was then I started noting down my questions to ask.

The main part of the day though was the visit to the Taj Mahal - a travelling dream of mine for quite some time. I had always imagined my visit to be really spiritual, insightful and peaceful. I imagined padding quietly through the marble floored rooms, in awe of the vast white marbled space, down to the bottom of the room where I assumed would be a shrine where the Dalai Lama sat to offer me, the wisdomus tourist who had travelled so far, some virteous saying.

A beautiful picture taken by Tyler, one of the funniest people I have met!

Reality.. WRONG! Imagine a BILLION people pushing and shoving each other in white net socks in the tiniest room you could imagine on the hottest day the world has ever experienced and you have the Taj Mahal. Whilst it is undeniably absolutely breath taking to see, the experience of being inside it is not how I expected at all. I was completely taken aback by how busy it was.

Perfectly in the middle!

I got to handstand in front of it though - score! Equally matching Del almost :D just got to get to the GWC and have the balls to do it in the middle of the crossing in Tokoyo! Crazy fit as fudge boy.

The evening was really nice. We all went for a nice dinner before heading back to the hotel to drink sensationally out of date beer and play "never have I ever", which of course I shouldn't play seen as I have my mums genetics. Like she said one day "your my daughter for sure. Kinky to the point of whoredom". Too true. Too true.

Alright so I have wrote loads on this blog and I'm pretty knackered so I will update you on days 3-6 in a couple of days - it includes a photo crazy trip to Amber Fort and Palace, henna application, filming Bollywood dancing and chasing a little boy that turned out to be a girl called Dapussy. Awkward.

See you in a couple of days!

The Gang from L to R: Tasha, Allie, Me, Fran, Tyler, Sarah, Sheena, Andy, Louise, Random Indian Boy