Blog From The Plane..

Holy fup I'm on tha plane so! It was no touch and go whether I would make it this time. I was right fucking there waiting at 4am to begin check in at 12.30pm, and I was the first at the gate, holding onto the railings whilst staring at the stationary plane, praying the fudgher wouldn't disappear should I blink for too long.. which was a major possiblity given I haven't slept in what seems at least 17 years now.

I am a bit pissed to be honest. I've hardly eaten and I certainly haven't slept but I've had a few gins and tonics to celebrate the fact I manage to catch the flight without taking out my credit card again. The nice Emirates people are due to provide a snack actually.. where is my snack?! I'm peckish.

I'm also slightly delirious I think from the lack of sleep. I've been watching Michael MacIntyre's comedy road show on my own seat telly box, with massive headphones covering my mini ears, with the volume turned to the max because once again, I'm sat next to the twatting engine, giggling to myself like a complete nob. SQD you will know.. you know when we are all sat there nice and quiet listening to our calls, when suddenly, usually listening to one of Alistair's calls, I burst out laughing so loudly people jump?? That is the current scenario on the plane. Australian people are staring at the pissed, huge under eye bagged English girl who smells of yesterday's old clothes.. with come caution. The older ones look a lil afraid..

OMG there is a girl sat next to me though with the smallest feet on earth. She is like foot elf or something. It creeps me out where she fits them into the little storage flap on the chair infront. Shouldn't be allowed. I'm scared.

Oh fuck they just turned off the lights. It can't be bed time though, it's ten to eight and I haven't had my baguette snack dammit!! I'm going to have to go and punch a nicely dressed member of staff that speaks Korean in the face and demand a nicely dressed chicken sandwich and another gin.. brb.

KLIA: Welcome to My Fuck Awful Day

So. I'm not in Australia. I am in KL international airport sulking on a freezing cold floor, blogging through a snotty stuffed up nose from crying because I am a complete and utter absolute useless, fucking dickhead nobscratching twat head.

I missed my flight.. because I am all of the above. I read that the flight takes 7.5 hours.. so somewhere in my head that meant I was leaving at 7.30. Why?? I have no bastard clue. My flight left at 3.30pm and I arrived at the airport a pleasant hour and 15 minutes later. I casually looked at the board, figured my flight wasn't on there yet because I was nice and early. Had a lovely sit down, a bit of a people watch. Then it dawned on me.. how if my flight is at 7.30pm will I arrive at 1.05am in Australia if they are an hour ahead? I tried to do the maths which was really difficult given my retardation, and slowly but surely every muscle tensed and my pupils enlarged. Brain kicks the legs into gear and begins to panic slap my face for me.. “run bear.. run right now to Customer Services. Oh and lie. Tell them there was a traffic jam”.

So I did as my brain told me to. Lied through my teeth. Cried genuine but slightly more dramatic than necessary tears to get them to waive the flight fee. They did not. I paid £400 for a new flight which STA won't cover, which Emirates won't waive and which the shitey pointless insurance company refuse to pay. I was given the option of going home as well for an extra £200. I was in such a state that I actually gasped for air inbetween each word: “can.. you.. tell.. me.. how.. much.. Manchester.. is pleeeeease??” *huge massive gulping sob.*

Now I have 17 hours to kill in the airport. And I'm cold and tired. I am sat at what appears to be the only plug socket in the airport on the cold marble floor which of course means that I will no doubt get a terrible cold from sitting here too long which will lower my immune system and then I will get malaria. I will be taken to hospital via a helicopter which will of course crash in the bush and will then wake up being eaten alive by tarantulas. As is my luck I will survive but with hideous facial scaring and no hands, and live in a nursing home that stinks of wee for the rest of my pointless, handless and, due to face hideousness, sexless life. Ahhhh..... sigh.

At least there was one semi funny incident. My taxi driver seemed a bit obsessed with me. He kept asking me questions about my family and family life in England. He was completely bemused by the idea that my biological father is a cock and won't talk to me/bother attempting to get in contact, and can't understand why the lads have difficulty getting jobs in rich Eng-er-landski. After a proper barrage of questions came an awkward silence so I bombarded him with some. “Are you married and have kids?” And like it was oh so very normal, he proudly announces “yes TWO!” “two kids?” I asked. “No, no. 5 kids 2 wife.” I was totally shocked! SO I asked if they knew about each other and lived in the same house, and again, like I was asking a really dumb arse questions he replies “my, no. The wives know of each other but they do not like each other. They quarrel”. Apparently the kids don't even like each other and he can marry another 2 women if he fancies!! Crazy Muslim laws.

Right I'm going to go. I have purchased puzzle books to make the hours go faster and I need something fizzy. I'm not sure I can move my arse though.. being underwearless on a cold floor really creeps under the arse cheeks :-/ So.. HOPEFULLY.. maybe... blog from Aus. Or the bush once the helicopter has crashed. It will take me awhile to type with my nose though once my hands have been mauled off so expect an update in around 7 weeks.

Ta-ra.

Kuala Lumpur: Towers, Sewer Man, Blisters, Knickers Incident

Ok I have missed out Koh Phangan, Siem Reap and Singapore. I will blog about them later on!!

It's my last night in KL before Melbourne. I'm so nervous!! Also, after the mass bloggage update I'm finding it weird writing in the present tense. Actual to the minute expression of emotion! I am loving being able to find half a second to blog though. I have either been too busy talking to people back home or exploring, or just too damn exhausted to write.. and I only like to write when I have something funny to say.

So KL has been interesting. I arrived proper late in the evening and I didn't think they were going to let me check in. As I stepped out of the cab (which stank of bad breath.. Tsion will understand..) I almost stepped on a cockroach.. a fantastic introduction to the city! It didn't get better when the next morning I went for an exploration of my block and walked the wrong way right into the filthiest part of the city away from the city centre. It was horrid. There were thousands of men wearing dirty clothes and no shoes trying to push the white girl into their shops, it stank of excrement everywhere and you could choke on the fumes from the old cars. I went back to the hostel in a complete huff lol and announced via facebook that I would NEVER be coming back. I sat with a lad I was sharing a room with, Michael from Switzerland and had a proper good bitch! He was so interesting bless him and has been everywhere!! I learnt about his family and what he does on festive occasions.. such as did you know for Halloween they don't dress up and have parties, instead they go to the graveyards to pay respect then go and eat shit loads in restaurants?! And in Switzerland they open their presents on the 24^th, not the 25^th December!?? I correctly and sternly warned him this was not correct and he needs to inform his governemnt.

But despite the horrendous morning I figured I am here, I should see the sites so I asked for actual directions in the evening and went to take some photos. And to be fair.. I took some amazing photos!! the Towers are beautiful at night and there are lights dangling from every tree on the lead up to the city which makes the place look so much nicer. I had a great night exploring until it got to be about 10.30pm and I still couldn't find my way home. I wasn't going to use a taxi because I had been warned they can be dangerous and if they don't mug/sell you into the sex slave trade, they will at the very least over charge extortionately so I powered on and trudged through the city. I was about to walk up to a guy and ask for help because he was the only one around when I saw him pick up the drain grating on the pavement, look inside and then climb in. It was then I noticed he wasn't a black man as thought, but actually an Asian covered in dirt. And he lived in the sewer. Horror and fied. I was shizzing myself big time. It was a few moments after that that I finally located the hostel.

I was meant to get up at 6am to go and queue for the skybridge between the Petronas Towers but that didn't go well. I woke up at 11.30am and got out of bed at 12pm. I deserved a lie in after yesterdays horrificness! I decided instead to go and have a wander around the KLCC which is a lovely large park surrounding the Towers, and then go and visit the Aquarium. Oh last night also I bought a pair of flip flops which looked way comfy. I can confirm from my walk in the park and my walk back to the hostel afterwards.. they are NOT comfy. I have huge giant blisters on the soles of my feet which have made walking slightly awkward. I look a bit like a penguin that's shit itself.

Anywho.. it was in the park I had my knickers incident mentioned in the title. So.. in a nut shell.. I have run out of clean undercrackers. I have been forced to resort to my last clean bikini bottoms which you tie at the sides into a bow. They are a little like a nappy design I guess rather than good old pull on ones which makes them cute but, as I learnt today... unpractical for a lot of walking around. In summary... the knots at the side came undone. And I was wearing a dress. And I was in the park. There were people... there was knickers on the floor. There was shame. SO much shame. I very hurriedly ran to the Aquarium to put them back on. Double knotted the bastards so they couldn't do it again and I have now successfully cut off the blood flow to my legs. Tomorrow on my flight to Melbourne I am just gonna have to go boh! There is no other option.. I'm all out!

The aquarium was pretty darn cool. They had big sharks and cool turtles. I wanted to go diving in the cage with them but you had to book in advance :( ho hum I can just do it in Australia.

I have met two more people today on my travels. They are both sharing my room and are both amaizng. Mark is from Manchester and a fellow United supporter which is groovy :D I have successfully persuaded him that the Half Moon party is better than the Full Moon and Daniel.. wow. He is from Germany and so fucking generous and he has the most amazing stories!! For example, he was travelling through somewhere I have already forgotten when he came across this girl at his hotel bar. She is 17 and about to finish school and even though she is ranked number 3 brightest in her school, her parents can't afford to send her to university. So Daniel has offered to pay to send her to university for 5 years to become a doctor. Wow. Who else would do that for a stranger?! And when he was in Siem Reap, he was only supposed to stay there for 3 days to do the temples but on the last day he took a bike out and stumbled across an orphanage. He ended up staying 3 weeks playing and teaching the kids, then went over to Vietnam to see his friends and bought 87 pairs of shoes for the kids and went back! He has been back a 4-5 times to see them and his heading back over there tomorrow to say goodbye because his year off in Asia has come to an end. He really is an amazing guy and tells his stories in no order and they just roll off his tongue. He really has had some fantastic experiences. I'm very jealous!

Mark is a right laugh though. He was meeting these guys to go and see the Towers tonight and he went out all casual in a T shirt and shorts, and bounced back into the room 10 minutes later, being as Manchester as you could be and goes “I don't like this, this is awful I have to change! The lads are wearing shirts what's this all about?!” … Imagine Pete Kaye funny and you have Mark. I've only known him a matter of hours and already think he is lege!

Tomorrow my flight is 7.30pm so I need to leave around 5pm. That gives me a bit of time to do something but I'm not sure if there is anything else to do in this place. I stumbled across a Rahmadam festival last night which looked pretty cool – lots of noise coming from the mosque and the smells of food were wonderful. I didn't have any because I was stuffed from tea earlier on but I bet it was gorgeous.

Reet.. I best be off! My fingers have been worn down by so much writing I'm not so sure they have identifiable finger prints on them!! which will be an issue when leaving the country because they finger print you on the way in... hmm... tricky. I'll let you know hopefully not from a police cell.

I'll blog you again from Australia folks!!

Sangklaburi – Water Pipe, Tarantulas, Jimmies, Jungle, Hospital

In that order! I'm so so so far behind with my blogging. Since my last update I have been in 3 different countries!! I'm useless but let me try and remember what has happened.

The water pipe trek was aces! We slept in the village elders gaff in tents, drank a hell of a lot of his whiskey which he didn't charge us for, and danced like twats with their village band I guess it was.. there was one guy there who we called Snake Hips because he was really fucking bendy! You know those little giraffe toys that collapse at the knees when you push the bottom?? That was Snake Hips! He was semi toothless, smelt a lil bit but man could that boy dance.

The digging of the water pipe was proper hard work. We were given hoes which we can to carry with us and we had to walk into the jungle through rivers and stuff. At one point we finished digging this stretch so we went to dig somewhere further down. In order to do that though, the contractors had to clear a section of the jungle next to the river so down come all these trees.. and along with them came their inhabitants. Enter screaming. Spiders bigger than I had EVER seen were scrambling along the bank, diving and bobbing in the water and climbing up peoples legs. One of the lads, Michael, had the hugest spider ever wrapped around his left leg and was making its way up. Steph bless her had a poisonous one (I think.. correct me if I'm wrong) on her leg which she squashed! And there were crickets that made the loudest noises – at one point we actually stopped and asked where the drilling was coming from because it sounded like one of those huge drills that go deep into the earth... it was a cricket!!! SO loud I wish I could describe it or had taped it.

The elephant trek was amazing. I got to sit on the elephants shoulders so his ears were flapping my feet. It was really nice that actually because it kept my toes warm and bug free :D the spiders though were mahoosive! They were black and yellow ones which according to Mark are bird eating spiders. He has sent me a link to prove it but I am still unsure hehe. They were in the trees above us and because our elephant was so tall, we were having to duck underneath them and skim their cobwebs. Uber scary but the trek was so much fun. At one point Lucy was falling off the elephant but because of her shock that she was actually falling off, she couldn't speak to warn us!!! I turned around just in time to see her balancing on the balls of her arse cheeks, legs and arms all in the air to pull her back into the basket. Uber funny!!! Her face was amazing!!

We also went to D.R.E.A.M house which is an orphanage set up by a woman called Vic and that is funded by Starfish (Facebook https://www.facebook.com/dreamhouseproject?sk=info and website http://www.starfishdreamproject.org/ if you buy a tshirt for a tenner, you feed a kid for a month. The kids were in school when we got there so a few of us went to do some gardening. We got proper muddy but it was a laugh! I found a snail that was bigger than my head!! Fucking freaky shiz doesn't come close! The story we were told about the kids was pretty heart breaking – all are Burmese apart from Vic's own kid and they have seen some horrid sights like parents being killed. Lucy and Mark both told us all that quite literally a man in a white van goes around and picks kids up in the area to sell them for either sex or for their organs. Quite a sobering thought. So the money is worth it really. I got 2 tshirts and sent one home to mum. I want a blue one too so will have to order when I get to Aus.

The jungle trek was IMMENSE!! it was SO funny!! everyone kept falling down, me, Annie and Mark had a mud fight, Steph made up a song which I contributed to, I accidentally ended up floating down the river a bit too far when we stopped for lunch and had to grab onto a branch. It was after I got out of the river the guys pointed out a tarantula was making its way down to my hand!! Shitting a brick actually happened. A whole brick. We ate a river fish with rice for tea, we drank coffee, Milo, gin, Hong Thong and Coke out of our very own Bamboo cups made from an actual bamboo tree! Mark decorated mine for me which was very sweet, thank you! (I've had to throw it away now though because the bamboo was going moldy :-( sad times). And after all that fun, and playing truth or dare, I was eaten alive. By what? Who knows. The Thai chaperone guys were mystified! I literally had lumps all over my body and was the most itchy I have ever been. I went to the hospital where the English was NOT good. I was injected with God knows what because they couldn't tell me! But after a few days the bumps went down. I was still major fucking itchy though!!

OMG when we got back from the jungle there was a huuuuuuuge gheko in our room!!! Tracy bless her said proper calmly.. “Sarah.. just move away from the window for a second”.. which was really good of her after the jungle because everyone was so damn jumpy. If you made a loud noise or a sudden movement, you immediately assumed it was a spider or something. So as I moved away and looked back at the window, I saw two huge multicoloured legs with a huge tail sticking out above the curtain pole. Further brick shitting. We got Baz who is this teeny little lad, only 19 to come and help. He did nothing but make it fall in the bin and scuttle around the room! Then a Thai bloke came in to twatted it with a curtain pole. It ran away up into the roof where it stayed thankfully.

Oh and there was a spider incident on the jungle trek! When we arrived at the camp there was a masssiiiveeee bird eating spider in a web by the bamboo houses. Baz chucked a dead bug into its web so the spider would eat it, and as it was being wrapped up, the spider fell slightly and was dangling by one leg. Mark had been filming it all on my camera and threw a huge hissy fit! He was petrified!! and ended up lobbing MY camera into the wall!!! I have it all on video, including the bit of him passing it over to a GIRL because he was shaking so much hahaha. Big pansy!!

And then it was Koh Phangan time!!! Which of course will be another blog. Uno momento...

Kanchanaburi: Temples, Temples and More Temples. Oh and a Full Back Tattoo..

.. which HURT. But is pretty impressive. Unfortunately though I don't like it lol. Well I sort of do because everyone else says it's amazing and I like the attention being the egotistical person I am.. but overall.. it isn't what I asked for even one little bit. It is an angry tiger with two butterflies and a cherry blossom tree.. what I asked for was a playful tiger chasing just the one butterfly up my spine with no tree but after he spent so much time free handing it on, I kind of felt obliged to just have it tattooed on anyway :-/

But apparently it is beautiful and whilst the tiger isn't chasing the butterfly and isn't playful, it is still a cool tiger. However.. the second stage of the tattooing was pretty darn horrific. It started at 2pm and ended around 12.30am after I had drank 3 buckets of gin. And the buckets isn't me exaggerating.. you should Google.. they are actual buckets. And due to buckets there was vomit. So much so the tattooing couldn't continue and I had to go back a weekend later :( Poor Ashling, Steph, Vicky and Tracy had to force me to down liters of water purely to throw it back up, and physically carried me to the tuk tuk home. Apparently says Mark, if I hadn't been there to hold the tuk tuk up it would have fallen down hehe.. I vaguely remember holding onto the side of it for dear life whilst still in a stationary position, breathing very deeply with my eyes closed to stem the flow the spew. Quite embarrassing. A lot of apologising the next day...

I am so crap I can hardly remember at all what else happened.. there was a pool incident which I witnessed from the safety of my balcony.. the more bold of the group jumped in after getting slaughtered and de-dressed poor Mark... that was the whitest arse I have seen since my own in Tunisia when it was contrasting starkly against the horrific sunburn.

The temples were pretty impressive but no where near as awesome amazing as the Bridge of the River Kwai and the history! It turns out my great uncle Raph was a Jap POW who was there helping to build it! The stories behind the bridge are so horrific though.. it's like a morbid curiousity I have, like with the Nazis. We took the train over the bridge and the scenary was stunning. I of course took over 200 pictures (no lies) of pretty much just green rice fields but the pictures simply don't do it justice! The place was fantastic.

If anyone else can think of anything that happened, please comment so I can add it to the blog!

Bangkok Baby!

Wassup hommies?! I'm so sorry I haven't been blogging as I go as promised but I genuinely haven't had 5 minutes to stop or 5 minutes on my own. So due to jungle related injuries which I will explain later, and an empty hotel room for 30 minutes, I will blog about days 1-3 of the tour :-)

So getting here was a pain in the bastard arse!! Mum cried as I left which set me off so on the train to Derby my face exploded into a swollen puffer fishes that was red with white blotcy spots.. attractive I know - I was peeling potential suitors off at this point. Then my connecting train was leaving at 10 past the hour on the other platform... I arrived at 6 minutes past the hour and it took me 20 minutes to pull my twattingly large case up the first flight of stairs - so I missed it. I had to pay another £20.00 to get to the airport which isn't so bad but still a fricking ball ache when I planned on spending that last bit of cash money on books and malteasers. Not one person offered to help me with me sack of bricks either the meanies.

Honestly though my bag is really fucking heavy. The airport man sent me to another lane to check my bag in because it was so large.. and now I am here buying soveniers and clothes I will never wear again it has gotten heavier! When I got to BKK, the taxi man meeting me didn't speak much English but he did manage to say "ooh heavy yes?" before snapping his spine in 4 places lifting the case into the boot. Haha also, we were driving along and there were all these boards up with smiling faces and numbers next to them. I asked him what they were for and he said "erections" haha - he meant elections but I sat in silence jerking with silent laughter for approximately the rest of the day.

Bangkok though... mint. I arrived at night when Koh San Road was at its livliest and I can't explain to you the varierty of smells, the colours, the amount of people from all over the world.. it was insane! And I loved it. The second I got on that road I knew Thailand was a fantastic choice for the first stop. The hotel was pretty rank to be honest but it had 4 walls, a bed and a shower which I desperately needed.. I was attracting flies and had I not had a shower I think doctors would have assumed I was the walking dead who was decaying on her feet and attempted to bury me or something.

The first morning I went down to breakfast and to check out of the room. I met this lovely woman from Scotland who told me her entire life story by the time I had finished buttering my first slice of toast. By the time I had finished spreading the jam I had found out about an abusive relationship and by the time I had finished eating both of the pieces of toast I felt like I had lived with her for my whole life and that I might marry one of her sons!

Later on I met Tracy, my fellow northern adventure room mate! She is ace - dead funny! We explored Bangkok a little bit and had our first Pad Thai's - yum fucking scrum about sums it up. We got completely drenched in hot rain then went back to the room where I sat drying under freezing air con.... enter cold and chest infection that lasted a week - I still have my cough, though it is less flemmy.. always a good thing! Less to chew... (lol at the people who just went "ewwww")

Whilst it felt like we were in Bangkok for ages, we actually weren't - we left for Kanchanaburi (further bloggage to come) on day 3. Day 2 was spent walking around he Grand Palace, Wat Po, Reclining Buddha, Wat Arun, a river trip and then finally back Koh San Road on a Tuk Tuk! Those things are MENTAL!! They drive at inconcievable for the size speeds and will literally drive over anything and anyone in their way - the near misses and probably now limping dogs were too many to count. All the places we went to were amazing and covered in gold. The reclining Buddha was MASSIVE!!! There you get to throw coins into 120 wishing pots.. so I wished 60 times for my mums health and 60 times for everyone elses :-) (and then a lil wish at the end that I will marry a blonde haired, blue eyed sex beast with a 10 inch cock who wants 4 babies and has a good heart.. might as well wish whilst I can!)

We are back to Bangkok for one day at the end of the tour before I am off to Cambodia so will get to eat some Pad Thai off the street stalls again before I go. Bangkok was truely amazing and so much fun. You guys should come see... Gemma!! Futher blogging will arrive shortly...

Team Wendy do Tunisia

I figured I would start with an explanation of Team Wendy. Our in-flight guardian angel (trolley dolly in charge) was called Wendy and the name stuck. Any time a small issue arose, we called and blamed Wendy but only in a very posh English accent. For example just before we started to taxi out, I saw a massive plume of what I guess was engine dust?? come from the engine. I turned around and went “errr.. WENDY!” in a full on panicked posh English man way. Then later I noticed Krisitina's and mines drop down tray was rickety. This would not do I said so in a posh voice I raged “WEEENNNDDDYYY!!!” From that point on it was everything from “WENDY! I need a sucky sweet!!” to “WENDY! The lights have gone off and I want a cuddle!”

And so Team Wendy was born :-) we have even blamed the sunburn and the extra strong cocktails on bloody Wendy.

I was going to do a day by day update but then figured I couldn't be arsed and too much had happened to be bore you so I will attempt a summary.

There was a man who sold smoothies but only knew how to say “Vitamins, YES lovin' it!!” - this man, without a doubt in my mind, was the most annoying man on the planet. Every 5 bastard minutes directly into your ear drum “VITAMIIIINS!” - Google Vitamin man Marhaba beach and you will find him.

I fell in love with a couple of the entertainment guys – Tito and Laska but have been told since we left, Tito was fired for drinking alcohol with the guests. Naughty boy! He was so damn fit though! Tito would come and sit on me and managed to, with the help of Gem, persuade me to learn some Arabic such as Asslema, besslema, ismi and wlad, oh and em shie and shokran. I even got my name in Arabic as a necklace :D I really like the language.

I felt up a boy in the sea called Akram who then stalked me for hours. He wouldn't leave and was staring from the other side of the railings separating the hotels beach and the sea. I didn't see him again though so good times! I tell you what though, if you are even in dire need of a husband or need a confidence boost – go to Tunisia. Every male person was blowing kisses, asking to take you out for coffee, saying “you have beautiful face”, and offering to cook fish and cous cous back at theirs. It was here I wanted to use em shie quite a bit! (means go away)

Gem buried me in the sand which was fun! We also appeared to have pissed Newton off by playing the air trombone during the music man song for the kids. We had a right laugh!! We did lots of swimming in the med, played water piggy in the middle, blew up a lilo, and I personally drank enough gin to kill an adult African elephant. The bar tender poured a normal sized thingy of gin and then put just a drop more in. I went "hoooo hooo hoo!" and at that he smiled and poured in another shot. This then became a very funny running joke between us and within 30 minutes I had downed nearly 12 shots of gin and was sufficiently wanked.. to the point where I was stroking the wall commenting on how lovely and bumbpy it felt against my palm. Gem shouted at me for going in the pool whilst pissed and then made me go and play archery!! Nice float in the pool vs being in control of a deadly pointy weapon..... Gem chose wisely hehehe.

We also went to the zoo, talking of elephants! I paid 1 dinar (50p) for the zoo keeper to go and rag the tail off a cheetah in order to get a decent picture! And we held a baby meetkat :) he was all scrawny and felt a bit like sandpaper wrapped in a hot water bottle but was cute non the less.

I also held a baby kitten! But that was at Port El Kantoi. Me and Newton rode the noddy train which was dead cool. Whilst at the port we saw this lovely big bird perched on a big wooden gate. And literally as I was getting my camera out to take a picture I said to Newton “I best this is a trap” - half of a millisecond later a man literally transformed from being a nice green bush by the side to being a pushy, arrogant Tunsian twat. “Take picture of kestral for 2 dinar 2 dinar 2 dinar!” - take a photo picture of my fist hitting your skull for free free free buddy.

I took many photos but that was of course to be expected! Over 300 were taken but also 60 were deleted because of double chin errors, large stomach failures and accidental pictures of thumbs and TV poles.

We went to see dolphins which was cool but had to pay 20 dinar in order to touch one and have a photo taken. Robbing barstewards. You were only allowed to touch the dolphin for a couple of seconds as well and had we paid to go swimming with them, we would have been left behind because the coach driver wanted to leave the second the dolphin show had finished.

The last day was spent in the sunshine doing some last minute skin cancering. We had to check out by 12pm so all of our stuff was in the baggage room – uncomfortably accessible by anyone at any time..

And because I am writing this almost a week after it all ended, and because right now I am in Bangkok, I can't actually remember anything else that happened!! I just know it was a good holiday, that the orange ice cream was sexually arousing, that given the chance I would have ruined Tito, and that there was sand. A really lot of sand. And it was hot. And there was severe burn.

Good holiday :-) I will re-update hopefully tomorrow when I have a free day all about the magnificence that is Bangkok – honestly the best place ever! Gnight folks.