Has thou offended thee?

... Oh Mighty Epilation God. Why must thou centre ones rath upon my white slash slightly tanned skin? What has one done to be punished so??

I'm on holiday on Thursday right, and there might also be the potential for a quick goodbye shag tomorrow so I figured I will epilate in preperation for both. And yet again, I have stopped half way through one leg to update one of the social networking sites I appear to not be able to live without, to complain about how much is TRUCKING hurts!!

Why?! In the age on curing HIV and having 3D TV in your own home is removing hair from ones body either a) excessively, unaccpetably expensive (lasers), b) a pointless waste of time because it grows back in 40 minutes (razors) or c) shaggingly painful??

You would think SOMEWHERE in the Amazon rainforest they would have come across of hairless tribes folk who would point and grunt in the direction of a magic plant, whose extract would kill the hair folicles.. but noooooo instead they find, breed and release giant spiders all over the show!!

So what do I do?? It is 11pm now - the machine to pluck out 15,000 hair a second is loud, I'm tired and I'm not quite sure if I'm full packed?! The answer is fuck it. I can shave the other one and a half of the leg tomorrow. Just have to get up a tad earlier. In which case I should go to sleep. See ya.

"Choose life"..

Awesome song, awesome film! But that is not what this quick Blog is about..

I just really wanted to say thank you to my friends and family. I love you all so much.

Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. I could never do enough to pay you back for making me feel it is worth it. Thank you.. and I love you xxxx

Why must we all have a master plan...?

And when I say "we" I mean just girls. Boys never want to plan anything or make commitments further then "I'll come over yours Friday maybe" on a Thursday night. The plans I want to make are ALWAYS life changing ones. I'm never, ever satisfied to know I am going to work tomorrow and that this will be the same for the rest of my life.

I think maybe it's because I haven't really experienced the big mile stones as such. I haven't got married, bought a house, had a baby. I've been engaged, I've rented a house and I've miscarried... the first 3 are all really positive and the last 3 all ended up pointless and useless.. so I guess I'm not satisfied by those events when they happen, which is why I feel no sense of security in the place I rent now, no feelings of joy that I have a couple of boys all chasing after me.. I'm trying my best to get to some place that I am not even sure I want to be.

I have chosen midwifery as my career because in some warped delusional thinking I have decided that is an easy option for me. I can't be a Doctor because I don't think I am clever enough. I can't be a nurse because I don't want to have to wipe up shit every day and whilst I appreciate that is a part of a midwifes job, at least being a midwife I know I am going to be part of something amazing at the end of it but with a nurses job.. I guess I don't know enough to know different but I see no way a nurse can be truly satisfied with being yelled at by mentally disturbed patients, ungrateful arses and taking orders from incompetent doctors.

I was going to be a teacher but then realised I really don't have the patience for an abusive teenager. But is it TRULY want I want??? What the hell DO I want??? It appears most of my friends are all settled and happy knowing they are going to be in office roles for the rest of their lives and that TRULY scares me. How, at the age of 20-25 are these people HAPPY and decided that being in the same office day in, day out is the career choice for them??? Honestly it baffles me.

Anyway.. I have been looking at houses again and trying to think about what I want. Do I want an investment property or do I want somewhere I can finally, truly and really call my own? To do up and decorate as I wish??? I think it is the latter. That house in Derbyshire is gorgeous butI don't want to live in Derbyshire. I have two more universities that haven't rejected me yet and that is City and Glasgow Cal. I have an interview with City on the 25th and still have no clue what I am going to say in it!! And Glasgow Cal haven't got back to me but have you SEEN how cheap the houses are there????

http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-32305985.html Look at this. LOOK AT IT!! A 2 bed flat for £22k???? I can buy that with a friggin loan!! I wouldn't even need a mortgage!! And I could get a room mate in to pay £350 inclusive of all bills and I am pretty sure that would cover the loan payment. So.. purely for prices of housing I have all my hopes pinned on Glasgow. Well not purely the reason. I do have other reasons but that is another story eh :)

I just want another fresh start. Wipe the slate clean. Be someone new! Change my hair style, change the way I dress.. maybe even change my name!! I want to be so many things and I am petrified there isn't enough time. I'm 25 and have 80 years of experiences to have.. I want to be a beach bum! I want to travel every beach in the world. I want to see every animal on the Earth. I want to go into space! I want to be a mum. I want to write a novel. I want to own a streets worth of houses. I want to raise livestock and sell its produce in a shop next to a tea room I run. I want to run a B&B! I want to be a wife. I want to be enough for someone.. not second best/usable when needed.

I am fit to burst. I want to go and stand on the Rye in the pouring rain in the middle of the night and shout at the trees! I want to thank them for giving me oxygen and for not shouting back!! Then I want to close my eyes, lie down in the grass and feel the rain on my face and listen to the rustle of the leaves.. and just not have to think for a minute. That would be lovely.

I was microwaved today!!

Eh up duck!! How do?? I'm alright thank you. Still tired but feeling healthy for a change lol. Did I tell you I had swine flu? That was hideous bad times. I hate having flu but at least I am better now.

I got my bonus and pay rise from work which, whilst it wasn't as good as last years, it is better than nothing and is going into the savings fund. Currently there is £340 in there but I am owed over £200 and with the overtime I am ploughing through, I am hoping to save about a grand a month. Not too shabby and I still get my Sunday's off!!

One thing I have started doing though is tanning in prep for my holiday in Spain on 3rd Feb! Today though.. blow me!! I was standing in the tanning booth for 9 minutes and nearly died. It was SO hot!!!! The friggin' fan didn't start going until like 8 minutes in so I was sweating like an actual beast. I seriously was expecting at 9 minutes to hear a *ding* and someone who with a fork would come in and poke me, looking behind them yelling "the spuds done!". I am however, looking very brown which I am enjoying.

As of Feb with the bonus pay I am joining the gym-a-roo! It is the Bucks uni one so it isn't up mount Everest (which mascarades as "Marlow Hill".) All the classes are included and everything so it should be pretty gooood. With the overtime though I'm worried I won't be able to attend any.. maybe on a Saturday when I finish at 5pm. I also want to join the cricket team for Wycombe if they will let me. That would be so cool! I need a hobby.

Another thing I need is some bloody voluntary work on a maternity ward... I dunno I just need something other than SQD. I don't want to there forever. I have been rejected from 3 unis so far but have an interview with City uni on 25th Feb.. wonder how that will go. I have a feeling badly lol.

Oh what to do! I best be off.. not a very exciting blog today because I am distracted watching Twister on ITV2! Cheerio xx

Stalking turns to reflection

Today I decided, whilst bored, to have a look over some of my facebook friends friends.. see what my friends are friends with! I have a couple of young friends on my page that I know mainly through my brother and I was having a look at some of the pictures they had taken and realised I really, really missed out on my childhood.

I did nothing but work and worry when I was growing up. I was constantly bullied at school, I had people to look after when I wasn't at school, and from my 16th birthday I was working at the same time as getting my A Levels. I was constantly skint because most of what I earnt I will be honest (and this includes pocket money) I sneaked it into my mum and step dads purses and wallets because I knew how badly they needed the money. I didn't need it for sweets and shit.. it was more important that they had some money to go the shops for tea you know?!

I was talking to Emily my new housemate the other day about childhood and things and I recapped on one of the most devasting moments I can remember. I had saved up £80 of pocket money and other money from doing the ironing evey week (used to get a tenner for doing it), and one day we went to go and live in this one bedroomed flat that was my cousins. The two boys were in the living room and me and mum would sleep in the same bed in the main bedroom. I had left my £80.00 savings on the side of the bed for food shopping because I knew mum was really really tight for money. I came back from school to get it.. and there was only £20.00 left in the jar. Some PRICK (who will remain nameless for peace sake), had stolen £60.00 out of my jar. I had enough to buy the lads chippy chips for tea and other little bits like bread, milk and stuff for school dinners. That day I just stood in the door way staring at the jar before I walked into the room, closed the door behind me and just crumpled to the floor in tears. Think I was 13 then.. and I think it was the sense of hopelessness that really got me. And the betrayal of someone you thought was family. Should of known even at that stage not to trust a fucking junkie.

But anyway.. the reason I am having this mini mental breakdown is because I was looking at these pictures of kids wearing teeny tiny shorts, lovely tops and jewlerry, holding a beer outside their tents with 80 other kids doing the same.. all smiling with perfect white teeth and size zero bodies!! Or in the park with their mates, or doing random things that I wish I could of done.. and just feel really gutted that I never had the chance to do it and now I'm too old.

As I just said to Vicky the things I want to do now.. no one else our age wants to do. Like I want to take a week off work to go and camp in Cornwall and take surfing lessons.. and go to festivals and getting fucked off my face in the park! or jump on a plane on Friday after work to Russia, have a night out in Russia, sleep with a Russian bloke! then go see the sights of Russia and sleep on the plane back... no one else wants to do these things!!

I want to go and drink cocktails in London. I want to see every city and experience everything. I just don't want to be 40 years old with no career, childless and homeless for the sake of doing these things now... So I'm in limbo. And wish I had done it sooner.

A Trial blog today...

Well. I can't cope. Be prepared for a very depressing and potentially harrowing blog entry because I simply can't cope anymore. I lie there in bed, or on the sofa in the day, or in the loos at work and break down. I'm so tired. SO fucking tired I can't get up. I hate waking up, I hate breathing in.. I am forcing myself to do things that I really don't want to do to make myself look like I have a purpose and it isn't to kid myself; it's to kid everyone else.

People look at me and say "that's Bear, she's a laugh, she has a plan, she's got guys chasing her".. but I look at myself and I see ugly waste of space that actually the people she wants to have care about her, actually don't. I am so sorry at how selfish that is because I know so many of you do and I've practically just brushed you to one side and said "yeah ta but I don't want your attention or love, I want theirs... them that treat me like shit for no reason".

In absolute true honesty, the only reason I am alive is because I can't bare the thought of what it would do to my mum, which would then in turn do to my brothers.

I just don't want to feel this tired anymore. I don't want to wake up and put on the facade because that is just more tiring. I'm thinking the most horrible things, selfish things so that I can get what I want... I hate it. And I'm sorry.

I had worms....

.. in my bedroom. Not my arse! That was just to get you drawn in hehe. But under any circumstance, having worms whether they are earth worms like the one on my bedroom floor or arse worms, it's never a good time. It was horrid. Pure heart pounding, rumble in the very lower part of the intestines scary and petrifying. It all happened when I woke up, stood next to my TV and saw something long, relatively thick so thicker than a thread off some clothing, and unexpected.. I have not seen this length of something on my floor before.. I thought semi aloud in my almost not quite there sleep conscious. So I bend down, hand outstretched to nudge whatever it was until I then shot up so straight I'm pretty sure I strained my spinal nerve tenondeny things and made a .. well .. noise! It wasn't a scream or a gasp because it was an exhale but it was more like a ".. BAAAHHHHHH".. not to be mistaken as a sheeps bleet but like if you were to to go "pleh" with a really lot more emphasis on the "H" and loud enough so you feel you are pulling chest muscles.

So after my BAHHHHHHHHHH, I took a step backwards and realised it was slithering under my TV cabinet. In abject terror, I grabbed my half full mug of cha, just threw it ever so hap-hazendously (i cant spell I know) so I had something to scoop it into and then launched my un eaten jam toast into the nearst plant pot so my worm scooper now had a lid. Once the worm had been scooped in (after much thrashing from the worm I might add... my toes are curling in horror just remembering), I immediately phoned the only person I knew would answer at that time of the morning and understand... Vicky. She gave me intruction son how to get rid and told the whole of Litigation. Thanks :D

But it was the real prompt I needed to make the move. I had been umming and arring for quite some time over whether to move or not and finally decided, slugs in the kitchen and damp on two of my walls aside, you should NEVER have a worm in your bedroom - I'm getting out.

So I saw a house in Aylesbury.. and I cannot explain to your the anger I felt when I left that building. First off, I was met by an estate agent who was absolutely no way any older than 13. She then took me to what used to be a gay pub. Good times I thought! Probably clean and with any hope some abandoned gay porn to peruse. No no. No. It was a fucking sweaty damp shit hold. Now I had asked for a double professional let and the child pretending to be an estate agent took me to what can only be described as a postage stamp with slooping ceilings. Holding her Pokemon toy mascarading as a clipboard and lettings agreement, she swanned around the room (which meant she brushed her nose off one wall onto the other whilst standing still) and said "it's a lovely space isn't it!" to which I replied "err yeah.. theres no hope of getting a wardrobe in here is there". Not a question, just a straight fact. But her question amused me.. "well do you need to bring a wardobe??".. to which I replied, probably a bit too harshly for an eight year old - "well given I own one and thats generally where I hang my clothes.. yes, yes I would need a wardrobe. This won't do I'm sorry".

She then asks me if I want to see the rest of the house. Given it was minus 63 outside and I had an hour to wait for my train, I agreed. And this is the point where anger and bemusement reeeeeeeeally set in. She took me to the kitchen. Again.. "lovely space isn't it!?". I looked her straight in the face in an attempt to make her eyes follow mine.. purely so she could understand I had noticed the 3 out of only 4 cupboard doors that were hanging off and the wallpaper that was so thick with grease was coming off the walls. And I was praying she may have perhaps noticed the 60 year old black woman who was holding a bowl of sweetcorn and staring at the off cooker.. making this sound... "blehmp. bleh bleh blehmp. Blehmp?" .. I'm not being racist or trying to impersonate this womans own language.. because she was English.. she was just quite literally making that sound. And sticking her tongue out to make it.

It was at this point the estate agent whispered to me "oh yes, forgot to mention.. this is now run by the church as a safe house". Fuck. Fucking. You. Professional??? YES MISS ROWLANDS. Double??? YES MISS ROWLANDS. Lying to my face in the hope I am actually a retard like my black lady friend here, who by the way is standing in an S shape?!?... YES MISS ROWLANDS. "I will be on my way."

Things FINALLY looked up for me when I found a girl on spareroom.com. Her flat is oh so pretty! And clean. and worm and black woman free. And next door to work (practially attached). So happy I can't explain to you!!! I have never felt such relief as when Emily, the new housemate, said "I would love you to move in". I could have actually jumped on her and kissed her for the relief. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh goooood FUCKING times!!!! SO happy!!!!

And then 3 happened. You know the mobile broadband people?? Yeah. I heard you go "ooooh" in that low tone of "shit yeah I understand.. bad times". Them. I called and was on hold for 26 minutes because Dalvinder the helpy helpson came on the phone. "Hello Miss Rowlands and how may I help you this lovely gloriuos day?" (I had already pressed the "I want to cancel and leave you" button.. was sensing this chirpy attitude may have something to do with it...) "I'd like to cancel my contract please". "But Miss Rowlands you are premium customer yes! You can have a free laptop! You would like this yes?" "No thank you I would like to cancel my contract". "Oh but Miss Rowlands you can have laptop and half price broadband. You would like this better now eh yes?"... "No.. no thank you. May I just leave?" "But... Miss Rowlands you know last year people didn't have broadband for 2 months because of the snow. You can stay and avoid the snow".. now this bit had Naomi in stiches.. "No. Really. Regardless of the weather I really really would just like to leave". "ooooohhh.. but Miss R-" "I want to leave. Can I please just leave I would really like to just cancel my contract please. I just want to leave."

Dalvinder continued to push. I came back with my own offers like "So how about this. I stay with 3. You send me the laptop. You charge me £1 a month for the next month, and then I cancel?" "errrm no Miss Rowlands you will sign a 49 year contract and pay for the laptop". "Then no Dalvinder.. no I REALLY just want to leave, please can I just leave like now today..." it got to the point where I had no other choice but to ask "Dalvinder.. if I threaten to kill myself what would happen?? Does the threat of suicide hurry you along because I AM going to kill myself if you don't cancel the fucking contract"....

To sum up it's now cancelled :D Gooood times. So I move in on the 20th November. I shall keep you updated more I think.. a lot for you to read just then :) Laters like!!