Ho ho ho

Green giant!! Love that advert. And the sweetcorn. So how are you guys?!? So much has happened since the last blog. There has been an end of year party (which is the politically correct way of saying a Christmas party that even ethnics can attend), there's been Christmas, and a boxing day. Oh and pancakes!!

So the multicultural party was a hoot! I got BLIND drunk within 2 hours with the help of lethal slash revolting Carlton draft stubbies and at least 10 glasses of free champagne. From around 3pm onwards because the formalities were a mid day function (insane? I know. Australia is weird sometimes), my memory is virtually blank.

Apparently we walked from the function to a pub in the city which would have been a good 20 minute walk... I do not remember this and I am SO sure we took a tram. Apparently we walked into the wrong pub and lost someone in there.. I do not recall this either. I know I was literally clinging on to Jatin and talking to him for a very long time but what about? Who knows. Seriously I was full on blitzed.

I do remember leaving the pub in an emotional very drunk mood. I don't remember getting on the tram home but I do remember a very plump woman running from man to man with her mobile showing them a pictue of her child asking them if they wanted to be his baby daddy. And when I say woman I mean 15 years maybe??? Very young. Very big arse. Very little future.

On the tram I also bought a guitar. Ops. Need to pick that up tomorrow. Or get Kev to. It's currently at st kilda DC much to my displeasure. It's far away and the guitar is heavy and they refused to redeliver. I am thoroughly displeased with Australia post. Grrr. I shall be getting out my pen of rage for sure. Let the letter writing anger begin....

Then there was Christmas eve!! I went over to Rodney's who is a friend from work to meet his wife and his son. And ooooh myyyy days. His son is the most beautiful little boy in the world ever. And it's not just me who thinks so!! The boy has trophies to celebrate his gorgeousness. He also, much to my own jealousy, has a wooden rowing boat in his room. I would LOVE a rowing boat in my room!!!

His wife is also so lovely. An amazing little family they have there for sure. And the pizza we had was well good, the garlic bread practically orgasmic!! And yes Rodney.. Now I have seen him in the flesh I do kind of fancy Michael but shhhhh ;-P

At the end of the evening we went on a little tour of williamstown to see the Christmas lights and where they were married. Very cute and epic lights!!!

Then all of a sudden it was Christmas day. Kev was mainly a twat lol. He refused to wake up until 12.30 then was sat rolling a massive cone until 1.15. He refused to help me clean the flat (I took a bin bag of rubbish out of the front room it was that messy), wouldn't wash up after I made breakfast, and wouldn't do anything but smoke weed all day.

I on the other hand cleaned the whole flat, spent $60 on getting and cooking a huge English breakfast, then went out for 2 hours into what I found out the next day was a massive massive storm that included a tornado!!! I didn't see the tornado but I was sat on my thinking place wall in the worst down pour I had been in since Thailand when I saw hundreds of bolts of lightening hitting the city and crashing all over the ocean. It was an amazing sight. And then it started to hail HUGE hailstones the size of golf balls. It was a very crazy weather day that day, especially as it started out gorgeous and ended with damaged property and a soaking wet me.

Boxing day was the best. I maintained a traditional Aussie boxing day by going to the first test match at the MCG. It was friggin brilliant!!! I got to see Warner and Ponting, two of my favourite cricketers do some excellent batting before being caught out, but the best bit was making a new friend called Ray. He is HILLARIOUS!!

We pretty much spent the entire match just talking and doing Mexican waves. If it wasn't for him I reckon I would have had a well boring day because I went on my own and the cricket commentary was 4 minutes behind the actual game. Life saver he was! And so funny. We were talking about getting my tattoo in Thailand and he mentioned I might get HIV from dirty needles, then as loud as you like in front of kids and a group of Eton college boys, he shoots his hand up an shouts HIGH FIVE TO AIDS!!!! What a legend.

Today is washing day. So I am typing to you from the laundrette with my fingers crossed praying I haven't bleached my clothes.. You see I didn't read the label on the conditioner and I poured quite a lot of concentrated, undiluted fabric softener straight onto my clothes. Apparently you aren't to do that. With big black capital letters. Oopsy.

After that though it's getting my drink on time! I have a Miss Ballard coming over so drink on and bitching on calls.

WASHING UPDATE: appears to be fine. Now in tumble dryer.

So. Pancakes. Discovered I really bloody like them after all. Ooh how my pallet has changed. However. I am SHIT at making them. I have made 5 so far with the first two turning out more liquidy then I had anticipated, the 3rs very small, the 4th mainly jut sticky dough and the 5th simply burnt.

I would very much like to achieve massive fluffy ones like I get from 2 doors down. But I'm not sure that's possible. Ho hum.

Back to the gym tomorrow!! I haven't been since last Wednesday and I am feeling ugly and fat. I have also been told by the gym man that the roll of fat I want rid of oh so badly won't shift with exercise. So surgery it is. So much to save up for. Laaaame.

Well I tell you what, I will do some more writing to you on new years day from Bondi beach :-D I might drown a little bit so I can get rescued by former home and away star who played Sam who is now a bondi beach life guard :-P naughty Rowlands.

See you for kids and I hope you had a wonderful Christmas.

WASHING UPDATE: two lads from the Eton college just walked in!! What are the odds!! And all clothes are dry apart from one green top that never ever dries... Why?!?

Stresssssss

Hello! Sorry it's been awhile. I have been mainly fucking busy. I've been going into work early everyday to get ahead (and a bloody good job I am doing at it too). Tomorrow is invoices day so if it is anything like last month, I am to expect 32 phone calls of complaints within 10 minutes... Yay!!

Everyone at work is fantastic. I have made some brilliant friends there and it's so sad I have just three and a half months with them left. Courtney is my midnight phone stalker and banana bread man, Shaun my amazingly accented kiwi, Melissa my girly innocent friend and Mat my lunch/drinking buddy (only person who has matched my efforts here do far.. Good man!) Who knows.. I might marry one of them and then I can stay :-)

The flat is a mess :-( I'm not sure there is enough bleach in the world to get rid if the grim that is boy.

Had a brill night out on Friday. Ended up just being me and Mat after we were abandoned by Melissa and as hard as I have tried, I honestly cannot remember most of what we say talking about and we were talking for like 4 hours!!! Trying to find a taxi home took another 57 hours.. Bloody ridiculous that was. Grrr.

Oooooo I saw a possum!!! It was just sitting in a tree stump looking ready to pounce!! It was proper scary lol I thought they were cute??

Yesterday I mainly died. I was wreckedly hungover. Wish I had gone out Saturday night though.. Hair of the dog and what have you.

There is a 30 day trial at the gym down the road so I'm signing up to that on Monday. Woo. I think I really have to after my weight was incorrectly guessed. Feelingmassive.co.uk

God Boring blog. This was really just a reminder for me that I need to get out a wee bit more. I might try this golfing thing I've been advised is fun.. Just twatting balls as I understand it. I'm good at ball play hehehe.

I want to go in a three day road trip to aryes rock!!! Need to organise that. Sleeping under the stars, dingos, camp fires, some fine absinthe and acid maybe?! Too far? We'll see..

Ok I will be more my hilarious self on the next blog I promise.. As soon as Kev gets a friggin job and stops using me as an overdraft facility I can do more fun stuff to tell you about!!

Peace out.

Thunder - Love Walked In

Remeber that song from the 80's? If not, Google so you can get the tune in your head. Then replace "love" with the word "obesity" and you have my current life theme tune.

Like most folk I imagine, everyone has their own theme tunes when they are pottering around, or perhaps running in the event of danger/excitment. I get those "dum dum dumdumdumdum darrrrrrr moments when I'm running and trying to get some momentum going. "Pretend you are scared and run quicker!!!" dum dum dummmduummdduuuudarrr!!! Then other times you have love songs, depressed songs, summer songs... you all know what I mean.

Some also have commentators. I have a constant commentary as my close folk will know and at the moment, the comments are "seriously your stomach is massive" and "put down the cheese woman, your arse is bigger than ever!" My commentators are cruel. But realistic.

I have GOT to start eating more heathily. It's because I don't have my own kitchen and I refuse to use the hostels one again. Slimey. Grotty. Unwashed pots. Stray crumbs and goon soaked everything.

But really that isn't an excuse, even if it's the one I tell my commentors. There are bagged salads everywhere and parks to go and do exercise in... but instead I come in from my sitting down job, eat pizza and then lie down. Must. Change. Lloydie has been my inspiration!! It has taken her 8 weeks to get from none RAF fit to RAF fit. SO pround and jealous!! She has had the balls to do what I have wanted to do since I left university, and go on her! She will be fantastic in the RAF.

I am dying of a chesty cold again. I keep waking up hacking up bits of lung, which grosses Kev out but he farts and burps.. smelly boy :-(. The pollen count over here is extreme so also battling itchy eyes and snot. I saw some amazing sun sets over the ocean this week... let me see if I can post a pic on here... let me know if it worked.

I am hellishly tired but that is because I have been working my balls off.. if I had them. I was shitting myself that I wouldn't make target and keep my job becaue they are RUTHLESS with getting rid of people who can't make target..but I did make it! And not just make it, I fucking smashed that bitch to hell!!! Been there less than 5 weeks and I am top of the team :D yaaaay for collecting debt and being wished dead woooo!!!

Slightly very addicted to True Blood now the Dexter marathon has ended. Up to season 3 now. Next shall be band of brothers I think. There are new flavours of TimTams out... investing in some from IGA tomorrow I think. $2 a packet... *commentators bash my skull and say NO the calories dickface!!"* ... they are of course correct.

Ok so.... I genuinly have forgotten why I started to blog... I'm so tired. Going to go brush my teeth now. Byee... *immediately passes out on laptop*

I Can't Stop Thinking About It...

Seriously now my birthday meal with Audrey was sensational. I don't know if it was SO good because I was a little bit tipsy or whether it really was good but lately, I have been enjoying my food so much. Everything just tastes better here you know? Like every morning I will have a honey yoghurt on top of some nuts and fruit and it's amazing. Everyday I have salad sandwich with either tuna or chicken and everytime it's fabulous. And because it is SO cheap to eat out at restaurants here in comparison to both making your own meals and eating out in the UK, I am experiencing so many more things.

I had a mexican chicken parma with Clare the other day and it actually turned me on. SO nice!! And then it was topped off by a chocolate pizza... outrageous you say?! I know I retort!! But fucking me sideways with the longest tent pole you can fine - it was bloody amazing.

I keep finding these new places to eat because there are thousands.. and new drinks to try and I am DESPERATE to share my finds with people. Kev is going to hate me I am sure for forcing him to come and eat out with me every night.. which is why I need other people such as you, Tracy and you, Stephanie! to hurry up and get out here before I have to leave Melbourne!!!

The other night was fantastic actually, let me tell you about that.

It was a charity trivia night with the Aus Post guys. $2 entry, free pizza and $1 beers. I mean if they had just said free pizza I would of been there but when they threw in $1 beers I actually lost my vision for a short period whilst my over dilated pupils readjusted. It wasn't just a boring quiz either there were rounds when you had to stand and either hold your arse (tails) or your head (heads.. given) and stand like that till the quiz master flipped a coin. Only when it wasn't the side you were tolding were you allowed to sit down. Omg also, one team had the BEST team name ever.. Quizzed In My Pants!

There was forehead to mouth cookie eating contest which was hilarious!! Alex did it for our team and his eyebrows are so extraordinarily large that the cookie couldn't get past them. He went crosseyed and was moving his face like those freaky kids from the Cadbury advert to try get the cookie over the bushy ridges - there was some wee on my seat by the time he had finished.

There was a paper aeroplane throwing contest!! I came second with my green F-23 replica. Melissa nearly lost an eye when another team launched their flat ridicul0us version of a plane and another girl on another team was holding back tears when the pointy nose cone of one stabbed in her the back of her head. Jesus that was so funny. Tears were mingling with the urine at that point.

We came 5th out of 9 I think which was good going seen as 2nd 3rd 4th all had the same points.. so techinically we were 3rd but whatever, it was fun regardless of position :D .. something I don't normally say hehehhe.. ahh. Rudeness.

I have had my ears lowered today - woopity. Kev arrives on Thursday - woop woopity. It is Melbourne Cup day on Tuesday but seen as I work a Queensland ledger I have to work, therefore missing out on a public holiday. Not that it matters because I am getting $74 AN HOUR!!! -WOOP WOOPITY WOOP FUDGING WOOP!! AND!!!! My little sister had a baby last night :D Congratulations Mrs :) I can't wait to see her xx

Right - Eastenders catch up time and most definitely I need 2 caramel tim tams to dip in a brew.

Catch you next week avid viewers :D

It's My Birthday You See...

And the first one abroad I think! Living in a different country for your 26th birthday earning £40k a year I think is an achievement. Wonder where I will be and how much I will be on in 10 years time?! (looks up at the sky with hands together and whispers "please have just won the lottery by then.. please").

Today I spent it in work.. joy.. but it was so sweet. The guys didn't know it was my birthday but as soon as I announced it, I turned around for a split second, looked back at my desk and a cake with a candle appeared!!! Folk gathered and sang HB. Embarrasment but I blew out the candle and made a wish :-) Then later, a whole bar of chocolate :D It was very, very sweet. As was the chocolate.. I got a chocolate headache :/ so worth it though.

As work was full on stressful again, I am absolutely shattered. That may also have something to do with the two glasses of champagne I downed as part of my birthday celebrations at 11pm last night and everyones alarms going off at 5am.. damn builders and their alarms!!!

Last nights meal though was spe--len--ded. Scotch fillet wrapped around parma ham, swiss cheese and aspargas, on top of some garlic mash, honey roasted carrots, wilted spinach and a red ju (what ever that was.. I was expecting a suburnt man holding the torah with a top hat and curly sideburns..). Seriously though.. best.. meal.. eeevverrrrrrrrrr. And the champagne was mixed with blueberry vodka. Fucking FINE night out!!!

I have ordered the new iPhone as a birthday present to myself. Happy birthday me. It shall arrive with the Kevin - have I told you guys I have paid for Kev's ticket out here??? PRAYING he gets work asap.. would like that money back hehe.

Going to book us on some tours too when he gets some money going. He needs to see the GOR. Beautiful. And I proper really can't wait for Sydney now. Sky dive over the beach I THINK SO!

Tomorrow I am off for dinner with Miss Conway and can't WAIT to have a good bitch!!! Been wayyyy too long.

I'm going to go to sleep now.. 8.37pm on my birthday and I am in PJs.. and yes.. I have had a jam sandwich to cement the celebrations. Rock and effin Roll.

Peace out.

The Answer!

They say kids are happier when they have a routine. That is 100% correct for me too! I won't generalise and say for adults too because maybe it really is just me, but I have truely found the key to making me feel content... mix the following ingredients:

• Soaps - the discovery of Eastenders on YouTube hasn't stopped there. I am now subscribed to Corrie and Emmerdale too! Hoo-fucking-rah;
• Cleaning - my UK Sunday ritual was do the washing, change the bedsheets and do the hoovering. Here it is a little more long winded because I have to fight with ignorant French people of the dryers and we don't have a hoover.. we do though have a broom;
• F1 - completely and 100% full on essential. Without this in my life my Sundays are spent in a spiral of depression and a face covered in melted chocolate;
• Tea - black, half a teaspoon of sugar;
• Jam - I need jam. On white bread only for a sandwich or multigrain for toast. I love jam. Every single flavour of jam. Jam makes life worth living. Jam and tea. Combined. I need jam on a Sunday.

So today I feel ok. Today is a good day. I have Sundays sorted :) and I have weekdays sorted with work till 4.30pm, then running. I have set a goal to match Peter's time of running around the F1 track in 20 minutes.. So far I have done it twice and my best time is 43 minutes. I have some catching up to do but I will make it!!

Happy bear today. Oh, also - look up "c-word appear on wheel of fortune" on YouTube. Weeing material.

Have a glorious day :)

Hello YouTube.... Hello Homesickness

The most amazing thing has happened. Someone.. most likely Jesus Himself has a YouTube page dedictated to Eastenders. And every night He uploads the latest episode. I can only imagine He does that with His Jesus powers whilst ironing His long white robes, whilst a harpest plays in the bachground.. fairys brushing His long hair....

So for the first time since 18th June, I have watched an episode of Eastenders. It wasn't a particualry upsetting episode but man.. have I had a good skriek over it. The theme tune, the dum dums at the end, and then the BBC lady introducing the next show. It reminded me very much that I was watching it very far away from home.

I miss 7pm after work on my sofa times watching the soaps. Homesickness is proper kicking me in the shins tonight.