.. in my bedroom. Not my arse! That was just to get you drawn in hehe. But under any circumstance, having worms whether they are earth worms like the one on my bedroom floor or arse worms, it's never a good time. It was horrid. Pure heart pounding, rumble in the very lower part of the intestines scary and petrifying. It all happened when I woke up, stood next to my TV and saw something long, relatively thick so thicker than a thread off some clothing, and unexpected.. I have not seen this length of something on my floor before.. I thought semi aloud in my almost not quite there sleep conscious. So I bend down, hand outstretched to nudge whatever it was until I then shot up so straight I'm pretty sure I strained my spinal nerve tenondeny things and made a .. well .. noise! It wasn't a scream or a gasp because it was an exhale but it was more like a ".. BAAAHHHHHH".. not to be mistaken as a sheeps bleet but like if you were to to go "pleh" with a really lot more emphasis on the "H" and loud enough so you feel you are pulling chest muscles.
So after my BAHHHHHHHHHH, I took a step backwards and realised it was slithering under my TV cabinet. In abject terror, I grabbed my half full mug of cha, just threw it ever so hap-hazendously (i cant spell I know) so I had something to scoop it into and then launched my un eaten jam toast into the nearst plant pot so my worm scooper now had a lid. Once the worm had been scooped in (after much thrashing from the worm I might add... my toes are curling in horror just remembering), I immediately phoned the only person I knew would answer at that time of the morning and understand... Vicky. She gave me intruction son how to get rid and told the whole of Litigation. Thanks :D
But it was the real prompt I needed to make the move. I had been umming and arring for quite some time over whether to move or not and finally decided, slugs in the kitchen and damp on two of my walls aside, you should NEVER have a worm in your bedroom - I'm getting out.
So I saw a house in Aylesbury.. and I cannot explain to your the anger I felt when I left that building. First off, I was met by an estate agent who was absolutely no way any older than 13. She then took me to what used to be a gay pub. Good times I thought! Probably clean and with any hope some abandoned gay porn to peruse. No no. No. It was a fucking sweaty damp shit hold. Now I had asked for a double professional let and the child pretending to be an estate agent took me to what can only be described as a postage stamp with slooping ceilings. Holding her Pokemon toy mascarading as a clipboard and lettings agreement, she swanned around the room (which meant she brushed her nose off one wall onto the other whilst standing still) and said "it's a lovely space isn't it!" to which I replied "err yeah.. theres no hope of getting a wardrobe in here is there". Not a question, just a straight fact. But her question amused me.. "well do you need to bring a wardobe??".. to which I replied, probably a bit too harshly for an eight year old - "well given I own one and thats generally where I hang my clothes.. yes, yes I would need a wardrobe. This won't do I'm sorry".
She then asks me if I want to see the rest of the house. Given it was minus 63 outside and I had an hour to wait for my train, I agreed. And this is the point where anger and bemusement reeeeeeeeally set in. She took me to the kitchen. Again.. "lovely space isn't it!?". I looked her straight in the face in an attempt to make her eyes follow mine.. purely so she could understand I had noticed the 3 out of only 4 cupboard doors that were hanging off and the wallpaper that was so thick with grease was coming off the walls. And I was praying she may have perhaps noticed the 60 year old black woman who was holding a bowl of sweetcorn and staring at the off cooker.. making this sound... "blehmp. bleh bleh blehmp. Blehmp?" .. I'm not being racist or trying to impersonate this womans own language.. because she was English.. she was just quite literally making that sound. And sticking her tongue out to make it.
It was at this point the estate agent whispered to me "oh yes, forgot to mention.. this is now run by the church as a safe house". Fuck. Fucking. You. Professional??? YES MISS ROWLANDS. Double??? YES MISS ROWLANDS. Lying to my face in the hope I am actually a retard like my black lady friend here, who by the way is standing in an S shape?!?... YES MISS ROWLANDS. "I will be on my way."
Things FINALLY looked up for me when I found a girl on spareroom.com. Her flat is oh so pretty! And clean. and worm and black woman free. And next door to work (practially attached). So happy I can't explain to you!!! I have never felt such relief as when Emily, the new housemate, said "I would love you to move in". I could have actually jumped on her and kissed her for the relief. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh goooood FUCKING times!!!! SO happy!!!!
And then 3 happened. You know the mobile broadband people?? Yeah. I heard you go "ooooh" in that low tone of "shit yeah I understand.. bad times". Them. I called and was on hold for 26 minutes because Dalvinder the helpy helpson came on the phone. "Hello Miss Rowlands and how may I help you this lovely gloriuos day?" (I had already pressed the "I want to cancel and leave you" button.. was sensing this chirpy attitude may have something to do with it...) "I'd like to cancel my contract please". "But Miss Rowlands you are premium customer yes! You can have a free laptop! You would like this yes?" "No thank you I would like to cancel my contract". "Oh but Miss Rowlands you can have laptop and half price broadband. You would like this better now eh yes?"... "No.. no thank you. May I just leave?" "But... Miss Rowlands you know last year people didn't have broadband for 2 months because of the snow. You can stay and avoid the snow".. now this bit had Naomi in stiches.. "No. Really. Regardless of the weather I really really would just like to leave". "ooooohhh.. but Miss R-" "I want to leave. Can I please just leave I would really like to just cancel my contract please. I just want to leave."
Dalvinder continued to push. I came back with my own offers like "So how about this. I stay with 3. You send me the laptop. You charge me £1 a month for the next month, and then I cancel?" "errrm no Miss Rowlands you will sign a 49 year contract and pay for the laptop". "Then no Dalvinder.. no I REALLY just want to leave, please can I just leave like now today..." it got to the point where I had no other choice but to ask "Dalvinder.. if I threaten to kill myself what would happen?? Does the threat of suicide hurry you along because I AM going to kill myself if you don't cancel the fucking contract"....
To sum up it's now cancelled :D Gooood times. So I move in on the 20th November. I shall keep you updated more I think.. a lot for you to read just then :) Laters like!!
Sunday, 24 October 2010
Sunday, 10 October 2010
Woops missed a month!
Or eight.. I'm so wanky at updating stuff!!
So mini update - had the lasers.... most fucking horrifying moment of my ENTIRE life!!!! There was major hyperventilating, an almost loss of consciousness due to said hyperventilating and a massive panic attack when the surgeon literally yelled into my face, which was frozen in horror already "I'm struggling I'm struggling!!".. I really wanted to say "errr excuse me??? you have a twattingly large fucking laser gun POINTED AT MY EYE and you are STRUGGLING???" And he kept saying don't move your eyes don't move your eyes but I accidentally twitched to the right just as he finished blasting that eye and I saw a plume of eye smoke.. a ... plume.. of... eye smoke.... at this point there was nearly vomit.
Afterwards came the most weird stingy sensation ever. It felt like I had tiny little pieces of wood splinters under my eyelids so every time I blinked it was like a raw rough sandpaper going over my eyes. I had drops to put in that went down the back of my throat and tasted rather epically disgusting.. so yeah.. laser eye venture was not my best day. I have money off vouchers for anyone considering it btw!!
Hmmm what else is new? OOOO I developed a stalker called Ali!! The fucking freak lived with me until the very recent present and started to follow me everywhere. Now, as the name may suggest to some, Ali is indeed a Pakistani name. The reason I am telling you this otherwise none important face is so you have the mental image in your head of a black haired, coffee skinned and brown eyed 27 year old - for those who don't know me you will know this is NOT my type. He knew this as well... and he was so weirdly stalkerish he promised me he would dye his hair blonde and get blue contact lenses........... I politely laughed nervously and trotted with some haste back to my room where there was a lock.
OMEGA I AM DEBT FREEE!!!!! It came at the cost of my health but what the who... I'M DEBT FREE!!!! I did just under 250,000 hours of overtime and got a full extra grand in my wage after tax so couple with the loss of the loan which I have finally paid off, I cleared my 2 credit cards and overdraft :-) GO FUDGING ME!
But now here is the dilemma.... what do I do with debt freeness?? Do I get myself back into debt to go travelling or buy a house? Or a scooter?? OR A BABY?? I've joined an epic site actually called www.thelmaandlouise.co.uk. It's full of girls only who want a travel buddy and so far have met a 31 year old who wants to go to all the same places I do right now around the globe so I might meet up with her on my twavels.
I did nearly put an offer in on a house though but the bloody thing has already been sold. Grr.
Yesterday I saw a bunch of men wearing skirts with daggers in their socks blow on noisy pipes - always what you want on a Saturday! It was actually really really fun though. I got to spend time with Craig, the bagpipey music was really good and RAF Halton won which is ace.
In other news, I am recovering from tonsillitis. I can't sleep or look to the left because my massive swollen glands stop me from swallowing if I do.. quite the bad time! I was quite funny though when I went to the doctors because I walked in, relatively chirpy given I hadn't eaten for over 24 hours due to the throat/swallowing issue and practically yelled at this unsuspecting doctor "HELLO!!!!! I have tonsillitis so may I please have some antibiotics?". He chuckled and went (in his posh doctor voice) "Oh self diagnosed have we! Let's have a look and open wiiiide.." He then gets his little shiny torch, barely gets anywhere near my gawping face and goes "oh wow. Ok yes I see that's.. erm. Yes definitely tonsillitis! Oh dear..." then backed away like I might actually have the plague but he didn't want to offend me with such bad news! He hastily gave me my prescription and pointed to the door in a very "hurry and get out you germ spreading heathen" tone of manner.. bad times for Rowlands.
Well the F1 is again now and given I have falled asleep twice during this race already, I'm going to properly watch it now. Plus I've eaten the rest of the Roses and feeling preeetty vommity right now so I'm going to go and take care of that!
I WILL update you again this year.. probably around my birthday day. Laters like!
So mini update - had the lasers.... most fucking horrifying moment of my ENTIRE life!!!! There was major hyperventilating, an almost loss of consciousness due to said hyperventilating and a massive panic attack when the surgeon literally yelled into my face, which was frozen in horror already "I'm struggling I'm struggling!!".. I really wanted to say "errr excuse me??? you have a twattingly large fucking laser gun POINTED AT MY EYE and you are STRUGGLING???" And he kept saying don't move your eyes don't move your eyes but I accidentally twitched to the right just as he finished blasting that eye and I saw a plume of eye smoke.. a ... plume.. of... eye smoke.... at this point there was nearly vomit.
Afterwards came the most weird stingy sensation ever. It felt like I had tiny little pieces of wood splinters under my eyelids so every time I blinked it was like a raw rough sandpaper going over my eyes. I had drops to put in that went down the back of my throat and tasted rather epically disgusting.. so yeah.. laser eye venture was not my best day. I have money off vouchers for anyone considering it btw!!
Hmmm what else is new? OOOO I developed a stalker called Ali!! The fucking freak lived with me until the very recent present and started to follow me everywhere. Now, as the name may suggest to some, Ali is indeed a Pakistani name. The reason I am telling you this otherwise none important face is so you have the mental image in your head of a black haired, coffee skinned and brown eyed 27 year old - for those who don't know me you will know this is NOT my type. He knew this as well... and he was so weirdly stalkerish he promised me he would dye his hair blonde and get blue contact lenses........... I politely laughed nervously and trotted with some haste back to my room where there was a lock.
OMEGA I AM DEBT FREEE!!!!! It came at the cost of my health but what the who... I'M DEBT FREE!!!! I did just under 250,000 hours of overtime and got a full extra grand in my wage after tax so couple with the loss of the loan which I have finally paid off, I cleared my 2 credit cards and overdraft :-) GO FUDGING ME!
But now here is the dilemma.... what do I do with debt freeness?? Do I get myself back into debt to go travelling or buy a house? Or a scooter?? OR A BABY?? I've joined an epic site actually called www.thelmaandlouise.co.uk. It's full of girls only who want a travel buddy and so far have met a 31 year old who wants to go to all the same places I do right now around the globe so I might meet up with her on my twavels.
I did nearly put an offer in on a house though but the bloody thing has already been sold. Grr.
Yesterday I saw a bunch of men wearing skirts with daggers in their socks blow on noisy pipes - always what you want on a Saturday! It was actually really really fun though. I got to spend time with Craig, the bagpipey music was really good and RAF Halton won which is ace.
In other news, I am recovering from tonsillitis. I can't sleep or look to the left because my massive swollen glands stop me from swallowing if I do.. quite the bad time! I was quite funny though when I went to the doctors because I walked in, relatively chirpy given I hadn't eaten for over 24 hours due to the throat/swallowing issue and practically yelled at this unsuspecting doctor "HELLO!!!!! I have tonsillitis so may I please have some antibiotics?". He chuckled and went (in his posh doctor voice) "Oh self diagnosed have we! Let's have a look and open wiiiide.." He then gets his little shiny torch, barely gets anywhere near my gawping face and goes "oh wow. Ok yes I see that's.. erm. Yes definitely tonsillitis! Oh dear..." then backed away like I might actually have the plague but he didn't want to offend me with such bad news! He hastily gave me my prescription and pointed to the door in a very "hurry and get out you germ spreading heathen" tone of manner.. bad times for Rowlands.
Well the F1 is again now and given I have falled asleep twice during this race already, I'm going to properly watch it now. Plus I've eaten the rest of the Roses and feeling preeetty vommity right now so I'm going to go and take care of that!
I WILL update you again this year.. probably around my birthday day. Laters like!
Sunday, 14 March 2010
The Lasers Are Coming.... PACHOOOOO
Sup ma hommies?! Today is Sunday and I am sick. One has a cold which has resulted in a constant nose trip (attractive) and the inability to swollow (sorry boys). And very very randomly it has also affected my memory!! I went to Morrisons today to get SOLEY spaghetti and dolmio.... I came back with a knife, a Frijj milkshake and 2 mugs.. what the smeg?!?! I then get home and completely forget the Eastenders Omnibus. There were almost rears I swear.
But today, struggling like a Jew in the desert (was it the Jews in the desert?? And have I spelt that like the sandy place or the strawberry triffle way? Meh..), I had a very productive day! It started at around 8.30. I sprung out of bed like a cat with rabbies, bounded over to the wardrobe and climbed pretty much on top of it.. being 5 foot 1 I couldn't exactly reach the top. I pulled down my little shredder and I got to some serious work. I shredded paper word from 3 credit cards, 2 bank accounts, 2 door step loans and 3 store cards from 2005-2009. 2 bing bags worth of bad times disposed of!
I then hoovered for the paper dust was EVERYWHERE. It looked like a crime scene where they had been dusting for finger prints. I then did 3 loads of washing, played on my guitar, watched the F1, went to Morrisons, made SIX bolognaises (4 of which are safely in the freezer for later this month) and stared at the washing machine for 35 minutes. I was very sleepy by then and really struggling with the cold. Ooo I missed off I had a MAHOOSIVE fried breakfast this morning. Naughty but hellishly good.
I also rang HSBC and asked how much interest I will pay on my credit card now I have bought new laser eyes *pachoo pachoo*, and the blokey said £58 a month.... there was quite the long silence before..."what". £58 Miss Rowlands will that be all?"..... "right erm. Oh error. Ok. erm. Call ya back". PANICKINGLY I call MBNA. All in one word without doing DPA "Hello I need credit now if thats ok I have a card but I need more you see there is lasers, I've paid for lasers and now I have interst and its a lot so I need credit can you get me credit its quite important when will it be?"... The woman bless her was like.. "O...Kaaayyy.. and your name is?". At the end of it after blowing my nose twelve times and giving her ever bit of information about me including shoe size, heart beats per minutes and how large my last shit was, she agreed to submit a request for a limit of £7k, paying £317 for the balance transfer and an interst free period on the balance transfer. If I get it, I will be so happy!! Means I can pay off the debt in 9 months time, which means if I stick at Capstone till September 2011, I will be debt free and have £5k in the bank.. and eyes that I can see out of without the help of the largest perscription glasses known on EARTH. Oh how I love to exaggerate.
Not exaggerating in the slightest however, was the horrific ordeal that was yesterday and the laser eye *pachoo pachoo* consultation. Tim and Gem came with me for support which was really nice of them. Gemma however had scared me senseless when before the consultation she told me that they will flick my eyelid inside out with a cotton bud... I cried actual tears, was shaking, nearly threw up and told them I was cancelling. Called Optical Express and told the surgeon lady what Gemma had said and she proper laughed and said "I'm not touching your eye! It's just drops! Tell your friend she has it wrong".... I made Tim slap her.
But got there and the thought of drops was horrifying. Hhahahahahahhaa one bit though that made me almost crumple to the floor in hysterics, but only didnt for how childish it would have been, she was asking me about my vision and said "any dryness? any itching? any family history?".. all fine until she said this... "have you had any floaters".... hhahahahahahahahahha I dunno love I never look back once I've flushed!! hahahahaha... oooooh good times. Gemma came in with me and she had to leave by the time it came to test the vision because we couldnt stop laughing at each other. When the lady put the drop in my eyes, they were orange dye so when I flinched and nearly twat her, orange went all over my eyes.. I still have some on my face that wont go away!! But not only that.. later on I went to blow my nose and ALL of the orange dye came streaming out. By this time though I had forgotten so I genuinely just stared at the tissue, made a "oooooeerrrgghh!!" panic noise and threw the tissue on the floor. It was only when I went to the mirror to check my nose did I see my eyes and remember.
Other than that nothing is really new. Craig has left his wife for another woman.. and it wasn't me.. twat lol. I am applying for a midwifery degree!! But god knows if I will get through and when. Errmm... yeah thats about it. The lasers is the biggest thing going on and that is on the 25th so providing I havent lost my sight, I will update you then!!
Ciao bella!
But today, struggling like a Jew in the desert (was it the Jews in the desert?? And have I spelt that like the sandy place or the strawberry triffle way? Meh..), I had a very productive day! It started at around 8.30. I sprung out of bed like a cat with rabbies, bounded over to the wardrobe and climbed pretty much on top of it.. being 5 foot 1 I couldn't exactly reach the top. I pulled down my little shredder and I got to some serious work. I shredded paper word from 3 credit cards, 2 bank accounts, 2 door step loans and 3 store cards from 2005-2009. 2 bing bags worth of bad times disposed of!
I then hoovered for the paper dust was EVERYWHERE. It looked like a crime scene where they had been dusting for finger prints. I then did 3 loads of washing, played on my guitar, watched the F1, went to Morrisons, made SIX bolognaises (4 of which are safely in the freezer for later this month) and stared at the washing machine for 35 minutes. I was very sleepy by then and really struggling with the cold. Ooo I missed off I had a MAHOOSIVE fried breakfast this morning. Naughty but hellishly good.
I also rang HSBC and asked how much interest I will pay on my credit card now I have bought new laser eyes *pachoo pachoo*, and the blokey said £58 a month.... there was quite the long silence before..."what". £58 Miss Rowlands will that be all?"..... "right erm. Oh error. Ok. erm. Call ya back". PANICKINGLY I call MBNA. All in one word without doing DPA "Hello I need credit now if thats ok I have a card but I need more you see there is lasers, I've paid for lasers and now I have interst and its a lot so I need credit can you get me credit its quite important when will it be?"... The woman bless her was like.. "O...Kaaayyy.. and your name is?". At the end of it after blowing my nose twelve times and giving her ever bit of information about me including shoe size, heart beats per minutes and how large my last shit was, she agreed to submit a request for a limit of £7k, paying £317 for the balance transfer and an interst free period on the balance transfer. If I get it, I will be so happy!! Means I can pay off the debt in 9 months time, which means if I stick at Capstone till September 2011, I will be debt free and have £5k in the bank.. and eyes that I can see out of without the help of the largest perscription glasses known on EARTH. Oh how I love to exaggerate.
Not exaggerating in the slightest however, was the horrific ordeal that was yesterday and the laser eye *pachoo pachoo* consultation. Tim and Gem came with me for support which was really nice of them. Gemma however had scared me senseless when before the consultation she told me that they will flick my eyelid inside out with a cotton bud... I cried actual tears, was shaking, nearly threw up and told them I was cancelling. Called Optical Express and told the surgeon lady what Gemma had said and she proper laughed and said "I'm not touching your eye! It's just drops! Tell your friend she has it wrong".... I made Tim slap her.
But got there and the thought of drops was horrifying. Hhahahahahahhaa one bit though that made me almost crumple to the floor in hysterics, but only didnt for how childish it would have been, she was asking me about my vision and said "any dryness? any itching? any family history?".. all fine until she said this... "have you had any floaters".... hhahahahahahahahahha I dunno love I never look back once I've flushed!! hahahahaha... oooooh good times. Gemma came in with me and she had to leave by the time it came to test the vision because we couldnt stop laughing at each other. When the lady put the drop in my eyes, they were orange dye so when I flinched and nearly twat her, orange went all over my eyes.. I still have some on my face that wont go away!! But not only that.. later on I went to blow my nose and ALL of the orange dye came streaming out. By this time though I had forgotten so I genuinely just stared at the tissue, made a "oooooeerrrgghh!!" panic noise and threw the tissue on the floor. It was only when I went to the mirror to check my nose did I see my eyes and remember.
Other than that nothing is really new. Craig has left his wife for another woman.. and it wasn't me.. twat lol. I am applying for a midwifery degree!! But god knows if I will get through and when. Errmm... yeah thats about it. The lasers is the biggest thing going on and that is on the 25th so providing I havent lost my sight, I will update you then!!
Ciao bella!
Sunday, 7 February 2010
For the Green Tea is Strong in this One
Oooooh Green tea is my life. I love it. I love it's simplicity and then I adore it subtle yet bold twists.. I love the way the tea bag dances around my Splenda, difusing it's leaf amoung the silky warmth that is the kettles recently boiled water.. oooooooooh Green tea.
So hello and welcome to the latest addition of bloggage! MAAANNY things have occurred and I meant to update this a week ago but I was in a rather shitty spiral of depression which thanks to Gem and Vicky, I have escaped from. You see the bloke I adore and would do anything for shat on me from a large distance.. well what I THOUGHT was a large distance if he had in fact been in Scotland but he wasn't.. he was 10minutes up the road praying I would never find out about ANOTHER of his lies... o well! On wards and upwards as they say.. that's right I'm moving up North again!! When, why, who with and what for?.. soon my pretties you shall now all. Soon..
Anywho the furthest back thing I can remember was the dongle. The bloody fucking twatting dongle. And Doug. Bloody fucking twatting Doug. I mention them together because I both loathe and love them. Basically.. there was an incident. Doug has his cage next to the bed because there is no where else for him to live but his cage was SO loud I heard every step on the sawdust, every crunch of a dried banana slice and every FUCKING nibble of the bars.. and he would bite the bars for... lets see.. if he starts at 9pm and finishes at 7am that would be FOREVER HOURS AND A DAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I had NO sleep for the past millions decades and was seriously at the point where it was kill Doug or kill myself. So what happened to the dongle was I put my laptop next to the cage after I finished using it to go to sleep.. Doug was chewing the bars and I figured it's now or never.. I have to give this arse a fright to stop him chewing.. So I reached over and slammed my hand against the bars, sending him hurting across his cage. Feeling retched with guilt I attempted to drag myself up out of bed to see if he was ok, accidentally leaning on the laptop instead and the fucker went to the floor. As the dongle was still attached, when it landed side first, the dongle snapped in half.
Since then I have bought Doug a beautiful now barred cage (he's fine btw, neither dead nor scarred for life) and managed to blag myself a new dongle by lying through my teeth and screaming down the phone at the poor call centre rep "you send my shoddy materials to use and expect ME to replace it?! Put me onto your manager immediately!!!" .. that put the willies up so I am now the owner of a new dongle.. however it is still broken.. disconnecting every 5 minutes so whilst this is only taking you maybe a maximum 10 mins to read.. it's taken me 47 hours to write so.. ENJOY GEMMA LLOYD ENJOY!!!
Ooooh haha not last Friday but the Friday before I went out with the complaints team for a quick meal at the noodle bar and also to have drinks for Andrew's leaving doo.. twas a sad time :-( but also mentally hilarious! I was dared by Andrew to drink of the jalapino sauce bottle.. which I did. It was lumpy. So I dared Andrew to down a shot of vodka with me.. with the jalapino sauce in it.. I can confirm that was also lumpy. veeeery lumpy. Then onto the meal and I was quite frankly fucked out of my face. Me and Caroline were stood at the bar/reception waiting to be seated and we were just filling each others bags with fortune cookies!! I had 27 altogether in my bag and I reckon Caroline had at least 40.. the wrappers were so shiny and it was such fun! Nicky was also fucked out of her face and switched the entire restaurants lighting off which provided ample opportunity to scoop around 20 cookies into the bag before it was turned back on. Gem was blamed and her face was one of petrified terror as 100ish diners span round and stared in anger.. most with food in the hair and shit from the shock of being suddenly plunged into darkness.
The week to be honest has been pretty norm. Done some audits, done some training. This weekend though has been quite brilliant!! Friday I got out of work early which was fan-dabby-bloody-dozy! It gave me time to run home before going out to shave off what was truely begining to be werewolf legs.. seriously platting could have been done. I like sharing :-) And I got to wear my boots out YAY!!! I didn't get drunk which is a first but then again I did only spend £12 and only bought myself out of that two drinks.. South is expensive :-/ What I did get though was MASSIVE GOSSIP from someone.. and no I can't tell you what the gossip is but O MY EGA I nearly fell to the floor when I heard!!! GOLLY GAS MASKS doesn't come close!
Gem was poorly on the night out :-( there was spew. The weirdest bit though was I went to the bar to get her some water and for some completely unknown reason, I put on THE poshest English accent in the whole world to ask for it! Seriously, in your mind think about me saying this like the Queen:
"hello! I don't suppose it would be much bother if I could please have a pint of tap water? My friend is feeling a little sick in the bathroom just upstairs, would you mind?"
So odd! THEN IT WAS SATURDAY!!!!! Saturday came with it an early start, sweat - like lots of it, a BBQ and a FOOK off bonfire. And a rat. Basically what occurred was I had a ten ton of SHIT (and I mean actual rubbish and human excrement) out the back door and it was pissing me off. The housemates had just pilled and pilled it up and broke the waste pipe so I thought that's it, I'm sick of living like this and I don't want rats. So off I went and cleaned the whole bloody thing. I got the last piece of wood which was a stack of laminate flooring and there it was... sandy coloured, huge and moving... no not Susan Boyle a rat. A biiiig dirty flea ridden beast of hell. Paralysed with fear I just stared at the wood I threw in its face. I let out a customary "ahh".. but not a scream just a normal voiced ahh.. then backed away veeeery slowly till I hit the end of the patio.. then ran to the bottom of the garden, phone to ear trying to get through to Vicky. "Get me Jason I need Jason!!!!" I screamed.. they did not come so the landlord did instead.
Shit and he fell over as well on the wet grass!! Horrifyingly hillarious! There is nothing like seeing a middle aged bulky bloke go sliding on his face down a sloped garden honestly.
The bonfire was awesome though!! It was huuuuge!! There was an aerosal in there though which caused a bit of a fuck off explosion.. funny though!! I heard like a mental clink, span around and said "I heard metal we should back off" because we were stoof next to the fire trying to get the mattress to go up, when all of a sudden there was this HUGE bang and sparks went everywhere!!!! It was AWESOME!!!!!!!! However....
We lit the bonfire around 5.30 and by 6.30 we heard me-mars.. some twat had called the firebrigade!! I paniced bad style because Scott had told me I needed permission from the council to have one.. so me and Vicky walked up the drive to great the fire chief and I rather sheepishly put my hands in my pocket, hung my head, kicked a loose stone and said "Hello.. we're having a bonfire".. the bloke was so sweet though! He went "good for you! mind if I have a look?!".. he had to put it out because.. quite correctly, we had built it next to a fence and the grass around it was on fire... but he let us try on his hat for photos and said we can have a smaller one next week YAY!
And then so here we are now.. Sunday. I have done nothing but lie down so I can't really feel my arse. I have got my perscriptions from Boots for my eyes and haggelled with ultralase to give me a years deferred payments and 18 months interest free credit!!! Laser eyes here I come *pachoo pachooo* (sound of me shooting lasers from my eyes). And drank green tea! I'm not off to read Nostradamus: The Complete Prophecies for The Future... goooood times!
Have a fabulous week.. I will update sooner this time so I don't miss things and I can embellish more.. didnt want to make this too long. Laters Like!!
So hello and welcome to the latest addition of bloggage! MAAANNY things have occurred and I meant to update this a week ago but I was in a rather shitty spiral of depression which thanks to Gem and Vicky, I have escaped from. You see the bloke I adore and would do anything for shat on me from a large distance.. well what I THOUGHT was a large distance if he had in fact been in Scotland but he wasn't.. he was 10minutes up the road praying I would never find out about ANOTHER of his lies... o well! On wards and upwards as they say.. that's right I'm moving up North again!! When, why, who with and what for?.. soon my pretties you shall now all. Soon..
Anywho the furthest back thing I can remember was the dongle. The bloody fucking twatting dongle. And Doug. Bloody fucking twatting Doug. I mention them together because I both loathe and love them. Basically.. there was an incident. Doug has his cage next to the bed because there is no where else for him to live but his cage was SO loud I heard every step on the sawdust, every crunch of a dried banana slice and every FUCKING nibble of the bars.. and he would bite the bars for... lets see.. if he starts at 9pm and finishes at 7am that would be FOREVER HOURS AND A DAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I had NO sleep for the past millions decades and was seriously at the point where it was kill Doug or kill myself. So what happened to the dongle was I put my laptop next to the cage after I finished using it to go to sleep.. Doug was chewing the bars and I figured it's now or never.. I have to give this arse a fright to stop him chewing.. So I reached over and slammed my hand against the bars, sending him hurting across his cage. Feeling retched with guilt I attempted to drag myself up out of bed to see if he was ok, accidentally leaning on the laptop instead and the fucker went to the floor. As the dongle was still attached, when it landed side first, the dongle snapped in half.
Since then I have bought Doug a beautiful now barred cage (he's fine btw, neither dead nor scarred for life) and managed to blag myself a new dongle by lying through my teeth and screaming down the phone at the poor call centre rep "you send my shoddy materials to use and expect ME to replace it?! Put me onto your manager immediately!!!" .. that put the willies up so I am now the owner of a new dongle.. however it is still broken.. disconnecting every 5 minutes so whilst this is only taking you maybe a maximum 10 mins to read.. it's taken me 47 hours to write so.. ENJOY GEMMA LLOYD ENJOY!!!
Ooooh haha not last Friday but the Friday before I went out with the complaints team for a quick meal at the noodle bar and also to have drinks for Andrew's leaving doo.. twas a sad time :-( but also mentally hilarious! I was dared by Andrew to drink of the jalapino sauce bottle.. which I did. It was lumpy. So I dared Andrew to down a shot of vodka with me.. with the jalapino sauce in it.. I can confirm that was also lumpy. veeeery lumpy. Then onto the meal and I was quite frankly fucked out of my face. Me and Caroline were stood at the bar/reception waiting to be seated and we were just filling each others bags with fortune cookies!! I had 27 altogether in my bag and I reckon Caroline had at least 40.. the wrappers were so shiny and it was such fun! Nicky was also fucked out of her face and switched the entire restaurants lighting off which provided ample opportunity to scoop around 20 cookies into the bag before it was turned back on. Gem was blamed and her face was one of petrified terror as 100ish diners span round and stared in anger.. most with food in the hair and shit from the shock of being suddenly plunged into darkness.
The week to be honest has been pretty norm. Done some audits, done some training. This weekend though has been quite brilliant!! Friday I got out of work early which was fan-dabby-bloody-dozy! It gave me time to run home before going out to shave off what was truely begining to be werewolf legs.. seriously platting could have been done. I like sharing :-) And I got to wear my boots out YAY!!! I didn't get drunk which is a first but then again I did only spend £12 and only bought myself out of that two drinks.. South is expensive :-/ What I did get though was MASSIVE GOSSIP from someone.. and no I can't tell you what the gossip is but O MY EGA I nearly fell to the floor when I heard!!! GOLLY GAS MASKS doesn't come close!
Gem was poorly on the night out :-( there was spew. The weirdest bit though was I went to the bar to get her some water and for some completely unknown reason, I put on THE poshest English accent in the whole world to ask for it! Seriously, in your mind think about me saying this like the Queen:
"hello! I don't suppose it would be much bother if I could please have a pint of tap water? My friend is feeling a little sick in the bathroom just upstairs, would you mind?"
So odd! THEN IT WAS SATURDAY!!!!! Saturday came with it an early start, sweat - like lots of it, a BBQ and a FOOK off bonfire. And a rat. Basically what occurred was I had a ten ton of SHIT (and I mean actual rubbish and human excrement) out the back door and it was pissing me off. The housemates had just pilled and pilled it up and broke the waste pipe so I thought that's it, I'm sick of living like this and I don't want rats. So off I went and cleaned the whole bloody thing. I got the last piece of wood which was a stack of laminate flooring and there it was... sandy coloured, huge and moving... no not Susan Boyle a rat. A biiiig dirty flea ridden beast of hell. Paralysed with fear I just stared at the wood I threw in its face. I let out a customary "ahh".. but not a scream just a normal voiced ahh.. then backed away veeeery slowly till I hit the end of the patio.. then ran to the bottom of the garden, phone to ear trying to get through to Vicky. "Get me Jason I need Jason!!!!" I screamed.. they did not come so the landlord did instead.
Shit and he fell over as well on the wet grass!! Horrifyingly hillarious! There is nothing like seeing a middle aged bulky bloke go sliding on his face down a sloped garden honestly.
The bonfire was awesome though!! It was huuuuge!! There was an aerosal in there though which caused a bit of a fuck off explosion.. funny though!! I heard like a mental clink, span around and said "I heard metal we should back off" because we were stoof next to the fire trying to get the mattress to go up, when all of a sudden there was this HUGE bang and sparks went everywhere!!!! It was AWESOME!!!!!!!! However....
We lit the bonfire around 5.30 and by 6.30 we heard me-mars.. some twat had called the firebrigade!! I paniced bad style because Scott had told me I needed permission from the council to have one.. so me and Vicky walked up the drive to great the fire chief and I rather sheepishly put my hands in my pocket, hung my head, kicked a loose stone and said "Hello.. we're having a bonfire".. the bloke was so sweet though! He went "good for you! mind if I have a look?!".. he had to put it out because.. quite correctly, we had built it next to a fence and the grass around it was on fire... but he let us try on his hat for photos and said we can have a smaller one next week YAY!
And then so here we are now.. Sunday. I have done nothing but lie down so I can't really feel my arse. I have got my perscriptions from Boots for my eyes and haggelled with ultralase to give me a years deferred payments and 18 months interest free credit!!! Laser eyes here I come *pachoo pachooo* (sound of me shooting lasers from my eyes). And drank green tea! I'm not off to read Nostradamus: The Complete Prophecies for The Future... goooood times!
Have a fabulous week.. I will update sooner this time so I don't miss things and I can embellish more.. didnt want to make this too long. Laters Like!!
Friday, 1 January 2010
Happy New Year!!!
Hia everyone!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 2010.. that's horribly scary isn't it?! Where the shaggery has the last 10 years gone??
This isn't really a blog because I am SO tired from last night that I can't think of anything wittyto make you laugh.. whch is the whole purpose of my blogs :-) Well actually they are mainly for Gemma hehe.
What this is, is a list of the things I want to accomplish this year.. realistic but awesome goals.. so here goes!!..
This isn't really a blog because I am SO tired from last night that I can't think of anything wittyto make you laugh.. whch is the whole purpose of my blogs :-) Well actually they are mainly for Gemma hehe.
What this is, is a list of the things I want to accomplish this year.. realistic but awesome goals.. so here goes!!..
- Volunteer on a regular weekly basis
- Learn to knit a jumper;
- Have a whole day with no washing or ironing to do;
- Do a half marathon;
- Sleep on my own in a tent in the woods;
- Loose a stone and a half;
- Do my CELTA course;
- Sky dive - a must this year;
- Clear the credit card and loan by August;
- Make my own wooden construction.. shelves maybe!;
- Do a surfing lesson;
- Have a professional massage;
- Spend 2010 New Year Eve in another country!!
Have an absolutely fantastic new year everyone and you will hear from me soon xxx
Sunday, 27 December 2009
There was snow and the like!
Bon-jer!! How be? I'm shaggingly fantastic thanks for asking. Since the last update I have been slaughtered twice, there was carnage chaos caused by unexpected snow, a relatively dull and uneventful train journey for which we will just skim past for fear of people slipping into comas, a Christmas day and so much food eating I am awfully afraid that when I get home and get the scales they will at first laugh and then begin to choke and gasp for relief of my 18 stone dead weight feet.
So we had the Christmas Capstone Party.. for which I would like to SINCERELY apologise to those who I lap danced, held the face of whilst I told them how amazing they were and attempted to high five which only ended with either me sitting on them or slapping in said face.. much sorry. It was brilliant fun though! I very much enjoyed being watched by Ken Burke as myself, Carpy and Vicky made repeated.. and very loud.. toasts to the "lack of foreskin" and "toasting for the sake of toasting". I dirty danced (otherwise known as getting on my knees in the middle of the floor shouting WOOO), made the dance floor go from 50 people to 10 when U2 came on and I flung my arms around like I was signalling "ice berg" from the top of the Titanic.. was propositioned by a very hansome young man, and was then dragged almost kicking and screaming to a taxi because I was talking to the Stepstone girl who was working on a visit to Dublin for me!!
My party outfit I was so pleased about because I genuinely thought it wasn't going to fit. The spray tan incident though.. my Allah you probably had to be there but I walked in, all giddy and confident and said to the bloke of foreign persuasion on the desk "mate, I have a cold and I know we aren't supposed to rub any part that has been tanned, so what do I do about blowing my nose?" ... he looked at me, smiled and rather curiously said "I'm ok I don't need my nose blowing but perhaps later I will let you know.".... Well I pretty much just stared at him... turn around and not very tactfully burst out laughing and pushed Vicky towards the desk so she could pay for her turn. I tell you those machines are quite scary!! You go into a room and the bloke tells you because the stuff drips you need to put moistureiser on your feet... so I proper lubed my toesys up and took a step towards the machine on a tiled floor and pretty much just floated on moistueriser to the other side of the room!! Not the comical cartoon slipping at speed type... but the very gradual, picking up pace slide to the other side of the room, arms outstretched and head turning in bemusement and concern whilst the eyes looked confused and hopeful that I will a) stop and b) find something to riqochette off to head back to the machine.
I was disappointed when I left the machine and got home. All I was was sticky, wet and a funny smell.. not really what I had paid for. However, the following morning the first sight that greeted me was my very very brown face... followed closely by a very very white forhead... that's right.. a forehead halo. I have never wanted to crawl up my own as much as I did that morning. I praised GOD that I had a fringe to cover it because moran is an understatement.
Then there was Sunday; the pretend Christmas. My that was a joyeous, busy and eventful day and night. There was secret santa, brussel sprouts that not one person wanted, waff-fur fin miints, a snow ball fight at the bottom of the garden field that ended promptly when I saw animal tracks headed to a whole in the snow... Vicky threw up which was delightful and the Wii was set up YAY!!!!
Then there was the deadly snow!! People were stranded, Bambi fell over carrying my suitcase which was so fantastically wonderfully funny because it wasn't a "thud - I have falled", but it was a very ungraceful slippage of feet in every direction whilst he tried to control himself and not let the suitcase fall. He ripped his trousers crotch bit with the effort he put into not falling down. I will mention a bit of the train here because, if he reads it, I want him to know I'm very sorry... I got on the Virgin train and a little blokey.. who may have been on day release from the special farm.. came up and asked if I fancied a cup of tea. Because I wasn't sure who he was I kind of just looked at him and said "err.. no?", he smiled and then wandered back up the train. Me thinking he was just a weirdo trying to get me to take his drug laced tea, I asked the train conductor which carriage the buffet cart was in.. and to my HORROR I was told he was packing up and had to go RIGHT NOW to see if he was still there.. so with my eyes dead ahead and practically running... for the need for a brew was strong.. I almost ran through the little cart of snacks and quite loudly demanded "CUP OF TEA AND A KITKAT".. with "NOW PLEASE" almost as an after thought... and then there he was.. the little dude, grinning I think with fear. I felt so bad that this polite little man.. a few sandwiches short of a picnic.. had so kindly offered me a cup of tea before he shut up shop and I had pretty much mocked him and shooed him away like a dirty pigeon. So if you are reading this... man who I have now openly mocked and abused.. ever so sorry!!
CHRISTMAS!!!! then happened. I got loads of epic things!! Seasons 4-11 of South Park.. rock that shit on.. and 2 games for the Wii. I also got a joke but real telescope woop! for spying, a 5 year diary because I LOOOOOOOVE to plan and my first family airloom :-) Which I first I appeared to be very ungreatful for which I swear I wasn't and am not I was just very very sleepy!! I didn't go to sleep till 3am and then Kevin and David... like the 5 year olds they are.. woke me at the break of dawn to open presents. It is a glass bauble with a robin inside that's inscribed with "merry christmas always, mum x" ... I will cry at Christmas when she's gone... ooo sobering words there... back to frivolity!!!!
I have eaten so much crap it's really not good.. and I've had so much pop and no water that I'm begining to fizz I'm sure of it. I'm certain the next time I go to the toilet the sound won't be water falling but more the theme tune to the coca cola adverts.. how disturbing would that be?!?! "ahhhhhh much better *distant but very real* -"alwaysss cocccaa coolllaaaa...." .... horror.
I also won £230 on bingo!!! But today I have lost £80 of that trying to win more so.. erm.. woopsie!!! Least it's £150 going off the credit card which is much better than a poke in the eye. I am now away to my bed. I left mum downstairs watching Cranford or something equally as Victoriannly gay.. I swear that programme is only about bonetts, girls who talk in riddles running in a field, falling and men arriving on horses!!
Choo choo tomorrow so I better get an early night... or lie down with the 'lecy blanky on watching porn inbetween more bouts of bingo :-D potato potarto hehe. Night kids xx
So we had the Christmas Capstone Party.. for which I would like to SINCERELY apologise to those who I lap danced, held the face of whilst I told them how amazing they were and attempted to high five which only ended with either me sitting on them or slapping in said face.. much sorry. It was brilliant fun though! I very much enjoyed being watched by Ken Burke as myself, Carpy and Vicky made repeated.. and very loud.. toasts to the "lack of foreskin" and "toasting for the sake of toasting". I dirty danced (otherwise known as getting on my knees in the middle of the floor shouting WOOO), made the dance floor go from 50 people to 10 when U2 came on and I flung my arms around like I was signalling "ice berg" from the top of the Titanic.. was propositioned by a very hansome young man, and was then dragged almost kicking and screaming to a taxi because I was talking to the Stepstone girl who was working on a visit to Dublin for me!!
My party outfit I was so pleased about because I genuinely thought it wasn't going to fit. The spray tan incident though.. my Allah you probably had to be there but I walked in, all giddy and confident and said to the bloke of foreign persuasion on the desk "mate, I have a cold and I know we aren't supposed to rub any part that has been tanned, so what do I do about blowing my nose?" ... he looked at me, smiled and rather curiously said "I'm ok I don't need my nose blowing but perhaps later I will let you know.".... Well I pretty much just stared at him... turn around and not very tactfully burst out laughing and pushed Vicky towards the desk so she could pay for her turn. I tell you those machines are quite scary!! You go into a room and the bloke tells you because the stuff drips you need to put moistureiser on your feet... so I proper lubed my toesys up and took a step towards the machine on a tiled floor and pretty much just floated on moistueriser to the other side of the room!! Not the comical cartoon slipping at speed type... but the very gradual, picking up pace slide to the other side of the room, arms outstretched and head turning in bemusement and concern whilst the eyes looked confused and hopeful that I will a) stop and b) find something to riqochette off to head back to the machine.
I was disappointed when I left the machine and got home. All I was was sticky, wet and a funny smell.. not really what I had paid for. However, the following morning the first sight that greeted me was my very very brown face... followed closely by a very very white forhead... that's right.. a forehead halo. I have never wanted to crawl up my own as much as I did that morning. I praised GOD that I had a fringe to cover it because moran is an understatement.
Then there was Sunday; the pretend Christmas. My that was a joyeous, busy and eventful day and night. There was secret santa, brussel sprouts that not one person wanted, waff-fur fin miints, a snow ball fight at the bottom of the garden field that ended promptly when I saw animal tracks headed to a whole in the snow... Vicky threw up which was delightful and the Wii was set up YAY!!!!
Then there was the deadly snow!! People were stranded, Bambi fell over carrying my suitcase which was so fantastically wonderfully funny because it wasn't a "thud - I have falled", but it was a very ungraceful slippage of feet in every direction whilst he tried to control himself and not let the suitcase fall. He ripped his trousers crotch bit with the effort he put into not falling down. I will mention a bit of the train here because, if he reads it, I want him to know I'm very sorry... I got on the Virgin train and a little blokey.. who may have been on day release from the special farm.. came up and asked if I fancied a cup of tea. Because I wasn't sure who he was I kind of just looked at him and said "err.. no?", he smiled and then wandered back up the train. Me thinking he was just a weirdo trying to get me to take his drug laced tea, I asked the train conductor which carriage the buffet cart was in.. and to my HORROR I was told he was packing up and had to go RIGHT NOW to see if he was still there.. so with my eyes dead ahead and practically running... for the need for a brew was strong.. I almost ran through the little cart of snacks and quite loudly demanded "CUP OF TEA AND A KITKAT".. with "NOW PLEASE" almost as an after thought... and then there he was.. the little dude, grinning I think with fear. I felt so bad that this polite little man.. a few sandwiches short of a picnic.. had so kindly offered me a cup of tea before he shut up shop and I had pretty much mocked him and shooed him away like a dirty pigeon. So if you are reading this... man who I have now openly mocked and abused.. ever so sorry!!
CHRISTMAS!!!! then happened. I got loads of epic things!! Seasons 4-11 of South Park.. rock that shit on.. and 2 games for the Wii. I also got a joke but real telescope woop! for spying, a 5 year diary because I LOOOOOOOVE to plan and my first family airloom :-) Which I first I appeared to be very ungreatful for which I swear I wasn't and am not I was just very very sleepy!! I didn't go to sleep till 3am and then Kevin and David... like the 5 year olds they are.. woke me at the break of dawn to open presents. It is a glass bauble with a robin inside that's inscribed with "merry christmas always, mum x" ... I will cry at Christmas when she's gone... ooo sobering words there... back to frivolity!!!!
I have eaten so much crap it's really not good.. and I've had so much pop and no water that I'm begining to fizz I'm sure of it. I'm certain the next time I go to the toilet the sound won't be water falling but more the theme tune to the coca cola adverts.. how disturbing would that be?!?! "ahhhhhh much better *distant but very real* -"alwaysss cocccaa coolllaaaa...." .... horror.
I also won £230 on bingo!!! But today I have lost £80 of that trying to win more so.. erm.. woopsie!!! Least it's £150 going off the credit card which is much better than a poke in the eye. I am now away to my bed. I left mum downstairs watching Cranford or something equally as Victoriannly gay.. I swear that programme is only about bonetts, girls who talk in riddles running in a field, falling and men arriving on horses!!
Choo choo tomorrow so I better get an early night... or lie down with the 'lecy blanky on watching porn inbetween more bouts of bingo :-D potato potarto hehe. Night kids xx
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
On the orders of a Gem Lloyd!
Well it has been a while to be fair so I did need an update!! We have been on many adventures since my last update and things like presents and Christmas trees have appeared!!
Just a quick interjection here.. how fuckin boring is Bette Midler??! She's on the Royal Variety thing right now and I am seriously loosing the will to live.. Anywhooo... I have another reason to update this actually.. to distract me from the searing, harpooning, shocking and sight blurring paid that is epilation.. I mean seriously WHY is wrenching18 tiny hair at the same time from a small patch of skin with a handheld machine so painfull??? And HOW does Carpy manage to do it on her underarms?? I mean really.. She has balls of steel!
Back to adventures, there was an epic adventure with Bambi and Vicky the other day for Kentucky!! That was awesome and the kiddnapping was just brilliant.. I won't elaborate.. that's between us and the wind..... But the best set of adventures so far without doubt is the car rides to the caves! It all started maybe last week when Gem decided we should go for a McFlurry run and end up at the caves.. little did I know the caves consisted of a GIANT morselleum (I really don't think that's spelt right, so we will blame the dyslexia!) and a grave yard with a church...
SO there we were.. just us two.. alone.. in a car whose security measures I seriously question.. debating whether to get out the car. After a much needed fag and a bit of shitting of ourselves.. we got out!!! And Gem and me.. the two most afraid of the dark and ghosts people ever.. ventured into the graveyard to walk between the graves.. why???? Well I don't know to be honest!!!! AND THEN!!! When we got alll the way around and went through the most darkest piece of woodland there has ever been in the history of dark folliege.. a beam of light, so bright my corneas shreaked with pain.. bathed us both.. we looked like deers in headlights about to be kidnapped by aliens.. I have absolutely no shame in confirming we grabbed a hold of each other and clinged to the other persons clothing until we reached the gate and realised it wasn't a space shit or a vortex for the dead.. but instead a car of lesbians!!
The cave adventures got a little spacey the next time around.. there may have been some other things involved that perhaps made my mind wander a little bit... or at least by approximately 67 seconds behind the rest of everyone elses!! But I tell you that made walking through the pitch black woods that extra bit weird.. I could NOT tell for the life of me if I was dreaming or awake.. And for one very particular spot I truely belived I was part of the film The Blair Witch because from absolutely no where Vicky (who joined on this most amazing car drive), SCREAMED (I think...) "wheres the path???!!!!!" ... well freaked me the fuck out. Where was thepath??! Am I awake?? Who is with us?? What do we do if we can't get back???!!!
I started to sober up a little bit on the country car ride.. which I don't remember to be honest.. but was awake and very blurry eyed in time for the kebab van man who had THE most hilarious accent.. serkously you had to be there but the way he BARKED "ONNIIOOOOONS???" to this poor unsuspecting kebab wanting individual was the most funny thing I've ever heard.. me and Gem were literally having a wee behind the van and we just left poor Vicky to giggle and continue waiting for the chips.... for which there were MANY. That was the largest box of chips cheese and mayonnaise I have ever seen in my life.. and quite frankly.. because I was starving by that point.. the best meal I have ever experienced.. until the following day when the cheese seemed to want to make a rather rapid exit.......
Ahhhh good times though!! The tree is up wooohooooo and it is beautiful.. so so pretty. Doug is doing well! Vicky said to be the other week that he was proper fat.. I was like no he isn't!! He is just big boned, he's a big lad!!!! I was going to take proper offence until I read his food bag that said "300 days of food" and realised I'd used half of it in two months.. so I was wrong, he's not big boned at all, he is a rate fat bugger!!!! Morbidly obese?? I THINK SO!! I told him today he was going to stay with Aunty Gemma for 8 days.. I took his opened mouth, kaola bear ears and sneezing as confirmation he was excited!
Well my avid fans I must be away to my bed.. I have epilated one half of one leg and have decided it simply isn't worth it!! So I will be spray tanned hairy.. I don't mind!! Anywho folks, the next update will probably be on Monday when I am on my way to my mummys for Christmas WOOOOHHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Have an amazing rest of the week.. see you later aligator x x x
Just a quick interjection here.. how fuckin boring is Bette Midler??! She's on the Royal Variety thing right now and I am seriously loosing the will to live.. Anywhooo... I have another reason to update this actually.. to distract me from the searing, harpooning, shocking and sight blurring paid that is epilation.. I mean seriously WHY is wrenching18 tiny hair at the same time from a small patch of skin with a handheld machine so painfull??? And HOW does Carpy manage to do it on her underarms?? I mean really.. She has balls of steel!
Back to adventures, there was an epic adventure with Bambi and Vicky the other day for Kentucky!! That was awesome and the kiddnapping was just brilliant.. I won't elaborate.. that's between us and the wind..... But the best set of adventures so far without doubt is the car rides to the caves! It all started maybe last week when Gem decided we should go for a McFlurry run and end up at the caves.. little did I know the caves consisted of a GIANT morselleum (I really don't think that's spelt right, so we will blame the dyslexia!) and a grave yard with a church...
SO there we were.. just us two.. alone.. in a car whose security measures I seriously question.. debating whether to get out the car. After a much needed fag and a bit of shitting of ourselves.. we got out!!! And Gem and me.. the two most afraid of the dark and ghosts people ever.. ventured into the graveyard to walk between the graves.. why???? Well I don't know to be honest!!!! AND THEN!!! When we got alll the way around and went through the most darkest piece of woodland there has ever been in the history of dark folliege.. a beam of light, so bright my corneas shreaked with pain.. bathed us both.. we looked like deers in headlights about to be kidnapped by aliens.. I have absolutely no shame in confirming we grabbed a hold of each other and clinged to the other persons clothing until we reached the gate and realised it wasn't a space shit or a vortex for the dead.. but instead a car of lesbians!!
The cave adventures got a little spacey the next time around.. there may have been some other things involved that perhaps made my mind wander a little bit... or at least by approximately 67 seconds behind the rest of everyone elses!! But I tell you that made walking through the pitch black woods that extra bit weird.. I could NOT tell for the life of me if I was dreaming or awake.. And for one very particular spot I truely belived I was part of the film The Blair Witch because from absolutely no where Vicky (who joined on this most amazing car drive), SCREAMED (I think...) "wheres the path???!!!!!" ... well freaked me the fuck out. Where was thepath??! Am I awake?? Who is with us?? What do we do if we can't get back???!!!
I started to sober up a little bit on the country car ride.. which I don't remember to be honest.. but was awake and very blurry eyed in time for the kebab van man who had THE most hilarious accent.. serkously you had to be there but the way he BARKED "ONNIIOOOOONS???" to this poor unsuspecting kebab wanting individual was the most funny thing I've ever heard.. me and Gem were literally having a wee behind the van and we just left poor Vicky to giggle and continue waiting for the chips.... for which there were MANY. That was the largest box of chips cheese and mayonnaise I have ever seen in my life.. and quite frankly.. because I was starving by that point.. the best meal I have ever experienced.. until the following day when the cheese seemed to want to make a rather rapid exit.......
Ahhhh good times though!! The tree is up wooohooooo and it is beautiful.. so so pretty. Doug is doing well! Vicky said to be the other week that he was proper fat.. I was like no he isn't!! He is just big boned, he's a big lad!!!! I was going to take proper offence until I read his food bag that said "300 days of food" and realised I'd used half of it in two months.. so I was wrong, he's not big boned at all, he is a rate fat bugger!!!! Morbidly obese?? I THINK SO!! I told him today he was going to stay with Aunty Gemma for 8 days.. I took his opened mouth, kaola bear ears and sneezing as confirmation he was excited!
Well my avid fans I must be away to my bed.. I have epilated one half of one leg and have decided it simply isn't worth it!! So I will be spray tanned hairy.. I don't mind!! Anywho folks, the next update will probably be on Monday when I am on my way to my mummys for Christmas WOOOOHHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Have an amazing rest of the week.. see you later aligator x x x
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